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While sitting in the grass of the little meadow that surrounded their vacation house, Kaz marvelled at how easily he seemed to forget the beauty of the outside world. To anyone else it would’ve been just another spring day, pretty, but nothing too out of the ordinary. But to Kaz, who spent most of his time in the Barrel, where even the nicest days still meant being followed by the smell of rot coming from the canal, it was beautiful. The buzz of insects all around him, the smell of fresh air, the feeling of sun on his skin and the gentle breeze rustling the colourful flowers surrounding him almost made him feel as if he were living in a fairytale. But most amazing of all was the boy sitting beside him, his son, making the same dandelion flower crowns Kaz had used to make as a kid.
Johannus came out of nowhere and turned Kaz’s life on its head in the best way possible. At first Kaz had been horrified to find out he was pregnant, not only because he hadn’t expected to be a father, but also because his body wasn’t supposed to be able to produce a child. The Grisha who had tailored him to look like a boy when he’d been younger had told him that he was as good as infertile, which is why Kaz had never been careful with Wylan. And for years it had been fine, but then one day his Heartrender had informed him there was a second heartbeat growing inside him. In that way, Johannus was a miracle. Kaz was endlessly grateful for it, because that one in a million odd, a seemingly impossible twist of fate, was the only way he would have ever agreed to have a child.
After finding out he was pregnant, Kaz had been torn between the decision whether to keep the baby or not for weeks. It felt unjust to bring a child into the world when he knew he could never be the father they deserved. His inherent brokenness, his trouble with touch, one of the many reasons for this hesitation was simply the nature of his and Wylan’s relationship. By the time he had gotten pregnant, they had been together for seven years, but their relationship had remained a secret all the while. Wylan was a councilman and Kaz was a Barrel boss, their relationship had to stay hidden if they wanted to keep each other and their careers safe. Kaz knew that if he had a child they would also need to be kept secret from his associates and enemies, but maintaining that kind of distance and secrecy, not only felt unjust towards the kid, he knew that it would tear at his own heart too.
In the end, that was the route they ended up taking as parents. Johannus lived with Wylan who was, as far as everyone knew, a single father, raising Johannus with Jesper’s help. So while Kaz couldn’t be there to parent alongside Wylan, he visited as often as he could to spend time with his son. It had been easier when Johannus had been a toddler, Kaz visited most mornings, taking care of Johannus and playing with him while Wylan was working and there was no business to tend to in the Barrel. But after Johannus had begun school, their schedules clashed and Kaz could only afford a short evening visit. Whether they just talked, played or did Johannus’ school-work together, their time spent together always felt too short. It tore at Kaz, but he knew that this was the best way to keep Johannus safe.
There was some solace to be had. Every few months the three of them went on vacation to a little cottage near a small town in central Kerch where nobody knew them and where they were free to exist as a family. It was the only time Kaz could hold his son’s hand or kiss his lover’s cheek in public without fearing the blatant weakness he was displaying. They were here again now after what had felt like forever. And, just like always, it felt like a dream that Kaz didn’t want to wake up from.
“I think I messed it up,” Johannus’ voice broke the quiet.
“Show me?” Kaz prompted and Johannus handed him the row of dandelions he’d been weaving together for the past ten minutes or so. “Ah, I see,” Kaz said as soon as he saw the place where the dandelion’s stem had broken, disrupting the chain. “If that happens you just dismantle it until you remove the part you don’t like. Like this.” He demonstrated by untangling just the first flower and then handing the weave back to Johannus. Kaz watched him focus on his craft, his deft fingers quickly picking up the movement. Although his hands were similar to Kaz’s, thin with long, slender fingers, it seemed like he had taken after both of his parents when it came to dexterous skills. Like Kaz he was quick and meticulous, able to pick up precision-focused skills like this one with ease. And, like Wylan, he had a gift and passion for drawing. Kaz remembered the two of them drawing together yesterday, passing the pencil from one another and giggling as they created a silly story about a politician dog through their doodles. It was a memory that Kaz would forever treasure.
“Let me see,” Kaz said when he noticed that Johannus had untangled all the unusable flowers. He paused and Kaz gently took the woven chain from his hands. “I think it might actually be long enough to fit on your head now.” He wrapped it around his temples and found that the two ends met perfectly at the back of his head. “Yeah, that’s perfect. Let me show you how to tie it-”
“But this isn’t for me, this is for Dad.”
“Oh, well in that case,” Kaz looked down at his own row of flowers, a bit longer than Johannus’. He tied the ends together and ceremoniously lifted it up high.
“I, Kaz Brekker, guided by Ghezen’s hand, with the blessing of the Merchant Council and the our nation’s Courts, hereby pronounce Johannus Van Eck the First as the newfound king of Kerch,” he spoke witn put-on deep, royal-like voice that made Johannus giggle with delight. “May he rule our land with fortune and grace.”
“Am I a rich king, Pa?”
“So rich that you use Kruge bills instead of toilet paper.”
Johannus had to temporarily stop what he was doing from the giggles that overtook him. He was at that wonderful age where he found potty humour to be the funniest thing. At least that meant that it was very easy to entertain him.
“And you’re so rich,” Kaz continued, “that you eat pastries plated in gold for breakfast.”
“I’m so rich,” Johannus tried, “that my pillows are stuffed with money.”
“Yeah, that’s a good one.”
Johannus smiled and then fell back into silence as he continued to weave the dandelions together. Kaz found himself staring at him. He tried not to, but even after all these years, he was still struck with awe at the thought of having a child. He had assumed that the feeling would’ve faded the older Johannus got, but the more and more he grew into his own person, the more astonishing it was to think that this was his kid, that somehow Kaz had brought this incredible soul into the world. Really though, if there was anyone to thank for the wonderful person Johannus was growing into, it was Wylan. Even though Kaz tried being there as much as he could for his son, Wylan was the one who did most of the parenting and who had seen Johannus through most of his struggles. And while Kaz could see parts of himself in Johannus’ mannerisms, snarky nature and endless curiosity, he knew that his kindness, his open-mindedness and his surprisingly wise way with words were all Wylan’s doing.
“Pa, I have a question,” Johannus spoke after a while, his gaze still fixed on the weave of dandelions in his hands.
“Yes?”
“You do horrible things as Dirtyhands right?”
Kaz swallowed. He certainly hadn’t been expecting Johannus to break the lovely moment they’d been having with such a question.
Earlier this year he and Wylan had decided to tell Johannus the truth about Kaz’s identity and finally reveal the fact that his father was the infamous Dirtyhands. Kaz had expected such questions and disbelief back then, but Johannus had seemed to have taken the revelation pretty well. He had mostly been confused, a little bit in disbelief, but his opinion on his father hadn’t seemed to have changed.
And now Kaz didn’t know how to answer. Terrible truths or kind lies? He didn’t want to lie to his son but he also didn’t want him to see this side of him.
“Why are you asking?”
“Just curious.”
He didn’t have any time to think this through and decide what the best way to answer such a question would be. Ultimately he decided to tell Johannus the truth from the nicest angle he could.
“Not as much as I used to.”
“But you still do,” Johannus pushed.
“To bad people. Or people who are dangerous to me. I try not to hurt others anymore though.” That much was true at least. For years now he’d been focusing on running his businesses and keeping the Dregs in check. He was still regularly involved with crime, it was impossible not to be, given the nature of his work. But it was mostly small offences such as scamming tourists or sometimes stealing the goods from newly arrived shipments, an occasional gang scuffle at worst. But ambitious heists, picking fights with big bosses who had more resources than him, doing unspeakable horrors for the sake of having leverage on his marks and employers, anything that could harbour him new enemies was a thing of the past. All of it just to protect Wylan and Johannus.
“But in the past you hurt good people too, right?”
There was a pause. There was no use denying it. It seemed that Johannus already suspected the truth and that all he needed was confirmation.
“Yes.”
Now Johannus was the one that went quiet, continuing to work on his flower crown in stern and silent focus. Kaz tried to study his expression, as much as he could given that he was facing down, but Johannus didn’t seem sad, angry or hurt. If anything, it seemed like he was just thinking about what Kaz had said.
“I just don’t understand,” Johannus said at last, “you’re always so nice and kind to me and Dad, how could you do these horrible things at the same time?”
Kaz looked down at the weave of flowers resting across his thighs and began to fiddle with the stems, unsure how to answer. The chirping of insects seemed somehow louder in the silence that had fallen over them. Usually Johannus was, like all kids, impatient when he had to wait and annoyed when he didn’t get answered. But now he quietly waited for Kaz to find the right words.
“Because I love you two.”
He told Johannus he loved him all the time. He had told the same to Wylan countless times. But this particular confession somehow felt much more frightening and personal.
“I know, but that’s not what I’m asking,” Johannus insisted. There was an unmistakable strain of hurt to his voice now. “I just don’t understand how you can be both at the same time. I don’t know what’s real.”
“Hey,” Kaz said softly, reaching out his hand to touch Johannus’s shoulder. The boy looked up, a look of frustration and sadness in his eyes. “I’m real. This is real.”
“But then why do you hurt others? You’re nice to me… But what if you’re actually mean and I just don’t know it?”
“Some people would consider me mean,” Kaz tried to joke and immediately regretted the words when he saw the flash of shocked hurt pass through Johannus’ expression. “But I… This, how I am with you and Dad, this is me, really.”
“But you’re mean to a lot of people,” Johannus grumbled as he dropped the flowers to lean on his knees. “You must be, otherwise more people would’ve spoken nicely of you. But all I hear is how scary and horrible you are. So what does it matter if you’re nice to just me and Dad?”
Kaz’s instinct reaction was to name everyone he was nice to, but he knew it wouldn’t make much of a difference. Johannus was right. The whole city thought he was a monster and rightfully so. He had worked hard to build such a reputation to protect himself and to survive. But how to make Johannus understand that?
Tell him how it all began, Jordie’s voice, which had laid dormant for so long now, spoke from somewhere deep within him.
He hesitated. Despite the fact Johannus was almost as old now as Kaz had been when he’d moved to Ketterdam and lost everything, it still felt like he was too young for such a story. The parental instinct in him insisted that he was protecting him by shielding him from such atrocities, but his rationale kicked in to remind him that not knowing about the horrors Ketterdam had to offer didn’t make him any safer. Quite the opposite actually, if Johannus didn’t know what tricks the monsters of this city had to offer, how could he ever know to avoid them?
Kaz often liked to think that being the son of the city’s most successful businessmen and one of the Barrel’s scariest bosses meant Johannus was as safe as he could be. But really he was in more danger than most kids his age. Even though Kaz kept his family secret from the public eye, even though Wylan had his house guarded with the best security there was, all it would take was some rotten luck and a moment of weakness for Johannus to be snatched up and killed by one of Kaz’s many enemies. And although Kaz’s blood ran cold at the thought, that kind of risk was exactly why he needed to teach Johannus that Ketterdam was anything but a kind, safe city.
It was a heavy story and a difficult admission, however. Would he understand? Well, that much Kaz knew he would. In his eight years of being a parent he had learnt that kids were much smarter than given credit for, as long as you took the time to listen and talk to them. But would he be able to handle it? Would he be able to look at his father the same, or would he forever see a monster, a man broken at his very core? Kaz wished he had Wylan to consult with, to ask if he was doing the right thing by telling this to their son. But if he left Johannus alone now to go ask Wylan for his opinion, the moment would be gone and Johannus would continue to dwell in confusion and uncertainty. Kaz was alone in this with nothing else to do but to follow his gut feeling.
“I wasn’t born in Ketterdam. I grew up on a farm south of here, near a town called Lij. It was a small farm, our house not much bigger than the one we have here,” he said with a nod to the small wooden cottage where they stayed during their vacations. “I had two dads, just like you. But one of them passed away from illness when I was still very young, so I never really got to meet him. I also had a brother. The three of us loved each other very much,” he paused to swallow. The last time he had told this story to anyone had been before Johannus had been even born. When he had told Nina he’d hoped he would’ve never had to share it again.
“When I was nine, our father died in a ploughing accident so me and my brother moved to Ketterdam. He thought we had better chances of making it in the big city than we did at the farm without our father. Every day I waited at the boarding house we stayed at, bored out of my mind, while my brother, who had been thirteen at the time, would be out looking for a job. He didn’t have much luck though, and he often came home frustrated and disappointed. We would often go out in the evenings and one time we met a boy selling little mechanical toy dogs. I played while my brother struck up a conversation with him. It turned out he knew a merchant looking to hire boys like my brother, so the next day he went to meet up with him and got a job as a runner. After that, we lived a good life for a while. I spent my days in the merchant’s coffeehouse while my brother was out working. In the evenings the merchant would often invite us to his house where we would eat dinner with his wife and his daughter. We were the happiest we’d been since our father’s passing.”
He paused. Johannus was staring at him with big eyes, leaning forward on his hands as if he were listening to the story with his whole body.
“The merchant dealt with investing in the stock market and he let my brother participate too, in small amounts, of course. But when a particularly good opportunity came along, he wanted to go in big and make us rich. The merchant was initially hesitant, but he eventually gave in, agreeing to help. My brother transferred the money he had from selling our family’s farm, the money we lived on, to the merchant so that he could make the investment in his name, given that he was still too young to participate himself. The merchant treated us like we were his own sons. We thought it was gonna be okay, that even if it went wrong, he would find a way to help us. We…” Kaz felt his throat going tight, his vision going blurry around the edges. He paused and took a slightly shaky breath to reground himself, reminding himself that those days were far gone.
“It turned out to be a scam,” he went on. “Not just the stock opportunity, all of it. The merchant, his family, the coffeehouse, the boy with the wind-up dogs, everything was just an elaborate play to scam boys like us out of their money.”
He looked at Johannus. He had never seen such a sorrowful expression painted across his face.
“So just like that we were left without everything. We had no money, no roof to sleep under, no job.. So we wandered the streets, looking to survive... Have you learnt about the Queen Lady’s plague in school yet?” Johannus shook his head. “It was a plague that swept through Ketterdam decades ago and killed many people. Your dad was from a merchant family so he was able to flee to the countryside where he was safe. But me and my brother… We couldn’t, we had nowhere to run, we were trapped in the city. We got sick. My brother died, I thought I was gonna die too… But I survived, somehow.” There was no longer any pain or anger in his voice. Just a crushing feeling of loss. “I was all alone and… I had to get revenge, for my brother, for myself, it was the only thing I saw worth living for. I began my life in the Barrel then and I quickly learnt that the way to survive was to be cruel, to act without conscience. And so I did.”
Johannus was still quiet, but now his eyes were wide with shock and his face still glum with sadness. Kaz felt the urge to comfort him, to tell him that it wasn’t that bad and that everything was okay now. But if Johannus wanted to know why Kaz had lived as Dirtyhands for as long as he had, why he still kept up the reputation, he had to see and understand at least a fragment of the horrors that had made him what he was today. But still, he was his son, and it was difficult to see him like this. So Kaz reached out his hand and brushed a strand of hair out of his face, then gently cupped the side of his head. Johannus didn’t flinch or move away, at least that meant that he wasn’t angry or hurt with Kaz.
“I couldn’t bear to live as the boy who had lost everything. So I didn’t. I became someone new, someone so ruthless and horrible that he couldn’t be hurt again. And another reason I did that was to save my sanity. Doing horrible things and hurting others was much easier when I stripped all that was good about me. But somewhere along the way I realised I had forgotten who I used to be.” He moved his hand down, finding Johannus’s palm and giving him a reassuring squeeze. “That’s why I continued to do horrible things for as long as I did. It took me a long time to find the real me again, the one who’s kind to you, the one that you see now. But before that, the cruelties and atrocities were all I knew. And they protected me too, you know. That’s why I’m still mean and why I still make sure that the people of Ketterdam are afraid of me. Because if they fear me, it means that they leave me alone and that you and Dad are safe. Do you understand?”
“You had to do cruel things to survive and you didn’t know how to stop. And you forgot who you used to be.”
“Something like that,” Kaz confirmed. “And I lived that way for such a long time, longer than you’ve been alive for,” he saw Johannus’ eyes go big with surprise, “that I’d built a new life for myself in the Barrel. It’s hard to let go of that, it’s why I still live as Dirtyhands, even now.”
They sat in silence, Kaz still holding Johannus’ hand and gently stroking the back of it with his thumb as he waited for the next words to come to him.
“But I assure you that the me you see now, Johannus, that’s the real me, everything else is just business.”
Finally Johannus’ lips twitched into a shy, amused smile.
“Your job is to be mean to people?”
Kaz grinned. “Something like that.”
Johannus nodded and gently pulled his hand from Kaz’s hold to pick up a new flower and weave it in with the rest. Children were so fascinating with how they initiated a difficult conversation out of nowhere and then carried on like it was nothing. But it wasn’t over for Kaz, not quite yet at least. There was one last thing he needed to know from Johannus.
“Do you feel better now?”
Johannus gave a firm nod and Kaz felt a heavy weight lifted off his shoulders. But even so, he could see the distant look in his eyes, the slow, almost distracted movement of his hands, as if there was still more on his mind. Kaz didn’t push him and simply waited for Johannus to speak up when he was ready.
“They say you wear gloves because your hands are stained with blood and because you have claws. But you almost never wear gloves around me and your hands look fine.”
He had deliberately decided to leave out the part about how he had been presumed dead, loaded onto a sickboat where he’d been buried in corpses and how had to use his brother’s body to swim himself to the shore. It was one thing to tell Johannus about the scam and the plague, but he was certain that even just hearing about the Reaper’s Barge would’ve given him nightmares for weeks to come.
Kaz looked down at his hands and the stringy yellow petals caught between his fingers. The sight of his own bare hands was no longer as strange to him as it once had been, but the ability to touch the people he loved was still an on-going battle. Even now, when he dared himself believe that he could kiss and hug the man he loved with ease, he was reminded of the harsh reality when the tide waters unexpectedly took him under in the middle of the night and he would jolt awake, shoving Wylan away from himself in a fit of primal fear. But he had never had such a panic attack with Johannus. Sure, there were moments when he had to pull away because the closeness got too much, but Johannus barely seemed to notice them. It seemed that carrying him, giving birth to him and nursing him had forced his body and mind to accept his son’s body and touch as safe. It was probably why Johannus wasn’t aware of his touch aversion, at least not of the extent it went to.
“I’ll tell you why I wear gloves when you’re older.”
Johannus nodded and didn’t push further. Perhaps on another day he would’ve thrown a fuss over being denied information for being too young, Kaz had used to do the same when he’d been his age after all, but right now he seemed content with how much he had already learnt about his father.
“So you were close with your brother?”
“Very.”
“Is that why you got so angry when I said I wanted a brother?”
Last year Johannus had decided he wanted a sibling. What began with curious prodding slowly turned into insistent nagging that could go on for hours. Hearing him talk over and over again about how much he wanted a brother or sister filled Kaz with anxiety that he couldn’t explain. All he knew was that anytime Johannus lamented about how badly he wanted a brother, Kaz saw himself and Jordie playing in the fields one moment, and his brother’s lifeless body in his arms the next.
He had tried being gentle about it at first. No matter how much the topic upset him, he tried either letting Johannus down easy or changing the subject. But one day it got too much and Kaz snapped at Johannus, told him that he would never ever get a brother and to stop asking for one. It was the only time he had yelled at his child and he regretted it more than anything in his life. He had apologised several times afterwards, but it seemed that the damage could not be undone, as Johannus never brought up the topic of having a sibling again.
“It’s more complicated than that,” Kaz explained. “But yes, partially. If you had a brother, or a sister, I couldn’t bear the possibility of the same thing that happened to me and my brother to happen to you two.”
“What was his name?”
“Jordie,” Kaz said, and then, after a moment of consideration added, “Jordan Johannus Rietveld.”
“Johannus?” he perked up. “Like me?”
Kaz couldn’t restrain a smile. “Yes. Like you.”
“Do you…” Johannus hesitated, an unexpected hint of unease in his voice now, “want me to be like him?”
“No, heavens, Johannus, not at all.” Kaz moved closer, stretching his arm out to pull Johannus into a sideway hug. “You’re your own person and you always will be. I decided to name you after him to honour him. Because he would be honoured that you carry his name.” Johannus leaned his head to his side, fingers playing with the flowers he was holding as Kaz continued to gently stroke his shoulder. “Nobody remembers Jordie but me and someday his memory will die with me. I decided to name you after him so that a small part of him continues to live on with you. But you’re you and I would never expect you to be anything like him.”
“What was he like?” Johannus asked, lifting his head up.
Kaz paused, thinking. Even after all these years he still found the question difficult to answer.
“He was… ambitious.”
“Ambitious?”
“He wanted to succeed and he was very committed to it. He was also very hard-working, and optimistic, he found the good in even the most miserable situations.” He was never sure how to talk about Jordie. But once he began, the words just seemed to flow out of him. “He was a bit reckless, too confident in himself to keep an eye out for danger. He was foolish but… In his own way, he did everything he could to give me a good life.”
“He sounds nice.”
Kaz smiled. “He really was.”
They sat together in silence for a while longer, letting the memory of Jordie sink in. Johannus was the first to shift in Kaz’s embrace, turning around to show him his weave of dandelions.
“Can you show me how to tie it?”
“Sure thing.” He leaned down, his hands joining his son’s where he was holding the flowers. “You just loop the last stem around the first flower, kind of like this,” he demonstrated the move before handing the weave back to his son. “You think you got it?”
“Mhm,” Johannus nodded as he copied Kaz’s movement. When he was done he proudly lifted up his flower crown. “Ta-dah!”
“It’s beautiful,” Kaz smiled. “Let’s go give it to Dad. I’m sure he’ll love it.”
“I lied. This one is for you.”
“Oh?” Kaz said, surprised, but Johannus was already reaching out his arms so he ducked enough for his son to be able to put the crown on his head. Kaz helped him fix it in place and then lifted up his head to look at Johannus. “How do I look?”
Johannus pondered his answer. “Not like a king because I’m the king.”
“Maybe a prince then?”
“You can’t be a prince if you’re my dad!”
“Why not? We can twist the rules a little bit if we’re in charge.”
“No,” Johannus decided, “it’s too weird.”
Kaz chuckled as he picked up his cane, pushing it to the ground and leaning on it to help himself stand up. Johannus practically leapt from where he was sitting. Sometimes Kaz envied his youthful knees. He reached out his hand and Johannus took it like it was second nature.
“Come on,” he said, “let’s go make Dad a crown as well so that he won’t be sad.”
They moved to the nearest batch of dandelions where it took them just a few minutes to make another flower crown. Then they headed back to the house where they found Wylan in the kitchen, cooking lunch. Johannus gave him the flower crown and Wylan accepted the gift, beaming with pride and delight, like he did for all of Johannus’ creations.
After lunch, Kaz and Wylan both went for a nap, feeling lazy from the meal. Their rest wasn’t long though, since pretty soon Johannus woke them up, pointing at the beaming sun outside and begging to go swimming. The lake behind their house was his favourite place to be, and in the summer he could easily spend all day there. He usually didn’t go swimming in spring, given that the weather was usually still too cold, so it was no surprise that he was this excited about today’s surprising heat.
As soon as they got outside, Johannus ran to the shore while Kaz and Wylan settled down beneath the shade of some pines nearby. Johannus invited them to join him, but the water was too cold for Wylan and Kaz didn’t like swimming at all. So, instead, Johannus asked them to act as judges, rating his dives and giving their critical opinion as jumped from the large boulder that loomed over the surface, perfect for plunging into the water.
They spent hours by the lake, Johannus only occasionally coming out to dry off a little and have a quick snack before eagerly returning to the water. Even when the sun began to set and the temperature dropped, Johannus still didn’t want to leave and Wylan had to use his strict parent voice, which Kaz hadn’t mastered yet, to get him to finally come out and dry off one last time.
They ate leftovers for dinner and then Johannus took a nice, long, warm bath. By the time he was done it was already fully dark outside, the only light coming from the town-lamps on the other side of the lake. Given how tired Johannus must’ve been from swimming, it was no surprise that he fell asleep within minutes of laying down on the couch where he slept every night. But Kaz and Wylan weren’t quite ready for sleep yet so they stayed up, tidying up the place and doing the dishes. The cottage they stayed at was small, the kitchen, dining and living area all being one space, so they had to be quiet so as to not wake up the boy sleeping on the other side of the room. By the time they were done they were ready to head to bed as well. Ten years ago or so they would have stayed up late into the night, but since having a child they had learnt that sleep was sacred and took whatever rest they could get.
They brushed their teeth together in pleasant silence. Wylan finished first and left to get changed. He never needed a long time in the bathroom in the evenings, unlike Kaz who liked to thoroughly wash up twice, even thrice a day. By the time he returned to the bedroom he found Wylan already in bed, waiting for him. Kaz turned down the last lamp and got under the covers as well. Feeling safe and comfortable with Wylan’s touch tonight, he pulled him into an embrace, slotting his front against his lover’s back. Wylan sighed comfortably, one of his hands finding Kaz’s to knot their fingers together. Kaz pressed a soft kiss to his neck, enjoying his scent, his presence and the peace it brought him.
“I told Johannus about my past today,” he spoke up after a while, “some of it, at least. I didn’t tell him about the Reaper’s Barge but I told him the gist of everything else. Just thought you should know.”
“How come?”
“He didn’t know how the Kaz he hears about in the streets and the Kaz he knows can be so different. I didn’t know how else to make him understand.”
“I see,” Wylan muttered thoughtfully. “And how did he take it?”
“You know Johannus,” Kaz said amused, “better than he took being told it’s time to get out of water.”
Wylan gave a warm chuckle and Kaz felt his thumb lovingly caressing the skin of his hand. “And how are you feeling?” he asked after a while.
“I wasn’t expecting him to bring it up today.” He paused and took a moment to consider how he was actually feeling. He was much better at talking about his emotions than he was when he and Wylan had started dating. But even now it was still a conscious effort and not something that came to him easily. “It wasn’t as difficult as I thought I’d be... But at the same time, I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“Can’t stop thinking about what?”
“How much everything has changed,” he clarified. “That boy who crawled out of the Harbour… I don’t feel like him anymore. It feels like it happened in a past lifetime.”
“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?”
“I suppose,” Kaz shrugged, “it’s strange.”
“Getting old,” Wylan said with an amused tone, almost as if he were telling a joke, “I never thought I’d get to live to see it either.”
But it wasn’t just about growing old, getting to see the years he never thought he would and living the experiences he wouldn’t have imagined even in his wildest dreams. When he’d crawled out of the Harbour as a creature made of pain and rage, he thought himself unstoppable. He had been broken down, a fragment of the boy he’d been, but he had a fire burning in his soul that drove him forward. The promise of revenge was the only thing he lived for, the only thing he ever wanted. But there was another desire, deep inside him, too fragile to name. He hadn’t been aware of it at the time, but he remembered the odd night that felt lonelier and colder than the rest, when he longed to be hugged by his father again, when he ached for his brother to tell him everything would be alright. But all he had was himself and the immense pain that followed him everywhere.
It was only after he had gotten the revenge he had always longed for that he slowly became aware of his deep ache to be loved. It had taken him even longer to take off his armour and let someone in. Bit by bit, year by year, he rebuilt his life into one that was defined not by suffering but by love. And he had a family now, a lover who he couldn’t be seen with in public, a son he could only visit once a day and friends who lived on the other side of the ocean. Perhaps it was not the family he had imagined himself having, but they were his family nonetheless and Kaz wouldn’t have traded them for anything in the world.
“I love you,” Kaz told Wylan and felt him squeeze his hand in return.
“I love you too.”