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Tonight was it. Their final night together as a group. Graduation had come and gone. The summer went by like the speed of light. Now they are about to enter fall as well as a new chapter in their lives without the other members.
Ni-Ki was returning to Japan to finish his last year of high school, without a clear time of coming back. Jungwon and Sunoo were both going to school on the west coast, but each on opposite ends. Jake and Sunghoon were staying for only a week more before Jake returned to Australia, leaving Sunghoon to travel back to his hometown. Jay was moving back to his own hometown in America to go to community college while he helped his parents with the family business.
And then there was Heeseung, who forced all thoughts of the future to evacuate his head until now, when it was too late to apply to schools or find a place to work or stay. And he didn’t know what to do.
The thought plagued his mind as the seven of them shared stories around the campfire, reminiscing on their time together. A wave of laughter jerked Heeseung back to the moment as he looked at each of the members.
“I still can’t believe you said that with Ms. Jeon right behind you,” Jungwon said through giggles. Sunoo, the one he was referring to, jumped up and dashed at the younger. “I told you never to bring that up again!” he yelled with no venom behind it, only mild embarrassment.
Jungwon bolted down the shallow hill, his smile never leaving his face.
“Get him, Sunoo!” Jake hollered, cupping his hands around his mouth to make his words louder.
“Lets go help him, hyung,” the youngest of the group suggested, grabbing his hyung’s arm and pulling him, both now chasing the two around.
In an attempt to level the playing field, Jungwon screamed over his shoulder, still running from the blond boy. “Sunghoon hyung, help me!”
Playfully rolling his eyes, Sunghoon let out a sigh before pushing himself off of his chair and jogged after the others, obviously in no rush to save the boy being chased. “Okay, okay. I’m coming.”
Heeseung watched the youngest five chase each other around, the pursuit of Jungwon turning into a full on game of tag. He smiled, making a silent wish to himself that this time they spent together would never end.
“I can’t believe they still have so much energy,” Jay commented, moving his seat to sit by his side.
The oldest chuckled. “I know right? You’d think after a full day of hiking and swimming, they would be exhausted.” He noticed Jay lean back to get comfortable and he joined in, resting his back on his own chair.
They sat in silence for a while, watching and listening to their friends frolicking in the small field below. However, after a couple minutes, Jay spoke up.
“What’s your plan, hyung?”
The question caught Heeseung off guard and he turned to look at Jay, who was already looking at him, with a shocked expression.
“What?” he questioned.
“You know what I mean. After this.” He gestured to the boys below.
The taller boy shrugged, sinking further into his seat in an attempt to hide. “I don’t know,” he mumbled.
“Hyung,” the younger of the two asserted, not in a tone of him being mad but more of one telling Heeseung to look at him again, and he complied. “I’m not asking if you have your life planned out but,” he took a breath, “you really need to have something .”
The concern in Jay’s voice made Heeseung wince. The last thing he would ever want is for Jay to worry about him, he just hated it.
“I just don’t know,” he offered, hoping it would make the other drop it all together.
Jay took another breath and cocked his head ever so slightly. “How long have we known each other?”
Heeseung knew the answer. Jay said it whenever he felt the need to share just how well he knew the other.
“‘Since the dawn of time’,” he recited. And it was true. The two had been inseparable since Jay moved to Korea with his grandparents. They met on the first day of kindergarten. The younger one had noticed Heeseung in the far corner, reading a picture book by himself. Heeseung remembers the little boy blocking his light source, stating that since neither of them had friends, they needed to be each other's friend. The rest was history.
“Exactly,” Jay spoke up, breaking Heeseung from his thoughts. “So you should know that I’m asking this because I want you to be okay.” He reached out and placed a hand on Heeseung’s shoulder who shrugged it off.
“I said I don’t know,” he snapped, causing Jay to pull back in surprise. Realizing what he had done, he whipped his head in the younger’s direction and began apologizing.
“Jay, I'm sorry. I’m… I’ve just been so worked up about everything. And I still don’t know what I’m gonna do. And everyone’s going their separate ways. And…” he faltered, lowering his voice to just above a whisper, “I’m not going to see you for a long time.”
Giving him a sympathetic smile, Jay understandingly patted him on the back before rising from his seat. “Let’s go inside and get you some water.” He then turned around and made his way to the back door, and Heeseung followed behind like a sad puppy.
Once they were both inside, Heeseung slid the door closed as Jay grabbed a glass from the cabinet, he asked, “No ice right?” The taller boy just nodded as he pulled a stool out from the counter and dropped into it. Even though they had yet to flip a light on, it was still light enough outside that it illuminated the kitchen in a soft glow.
Now carrying a full glass, Jay pivoted to the side, reached across the counter, and placed the water in front of his friend. He then straightened up and leaned onto it before speaking again.
“Heeseung.” He only ever called him by his name when it was just the two of them. “Do you really have no idea what you are going to do when this is over?” once again referring to dismemberment of their friend group.
Never taking his eye off of the glass, he responded, trying not to sound like he was holding back tears, “I don’t know. I just don’t want to lose you.” He then felt a single tear drop slide down his face. Before he could wipe it away himself, Jay reached across the counter and brushed it off with his thumb and Heeseung suddenly felt at ease. He slowly let his eyelids fall closed and, ever so slightly, leaned into the touch.
Jay began pulling away, but in an attempt to keep the warmth there longer, the now crying boy snatched his hand and sandwiched it between his own and his face.
“Hyung,” the boy in front of him said. It was so quiet, Heeseung wasn’t sure if he said anything at all.
“Please,” he pleaded, “please just stay like this for a moment.”
And he did. Jay stood in place, letting the older boy quietly sob in front of him. They remained in place for about 30 seconds, but to Heeseung, it felt like the blink of an eye. It was Jay who finally broke the silence.
“Go down stairs and get ready for bed,” he suggested caringly, finally retracting his hand. “I’ll get everyone else and tell them to come in too before it gets too late.” And with that, he stepped back outside and called for the rest of their friends to join them inside.
As Jay gathered the group, Heeseung sluggishly made his way down to the basement where his and Jay’s room was. Feet shuffled across the carpet of the stairs, then the den, before stopping before the bedroom. Once he entered, he dropped onto the queen sized bed he and Jay shared and lay there in the dark. Now that the sun had fully set, there was only a slim stream of moon light coming through an equally slim window near the ceiling.
He laid like that for a while, listening to the muffled voices of the people upstairs. The sounds of their footsteps above him made his heart hurt, knowing that tomorrow, they would be saying their final goodbyes. After some time, the noise died down and Jay eventually cracked the door open and slipped through the opening.
“You still awake?” and asked quietly, tossing his sweatshirt across to a chair in the corner.
Heeseung hummed a response, never taking his eyes off the others' silhouette.
The boy, now choosing out a t-shirt and pajama pants, nodded. “You should change before falling asleep, hyung,” he commented, walking into the bathroom and switching the lights on.
Groaning at the light assaulting his eyes, the older boy rolled out of bed and plucked his own pjs from their place on the ground. He padded into the bathroom to see Jay’s bareback facing him.
Heeseung’s eyes trailed from the base of his neck down to the waistband of his pants, which he already changed into, and back up. Jay was now maneuvering his top to locate the correct holes to then slip it on. Before Jay could turn around to notice his friend’s now flushed pink face, Heeseung whirled around so that their backs were facing each other and hastily replaced the clothes on his back with the ones in his hands.
Both too tired to complete their full nightly routine, the two returned to the bedroom and fell onto the mattress and they laid in a comfortable silence for a little while. Looking over to watch Jay, Heeseung finally spoke.
“Jay?” he tried and was met with a hum from the younger, acknowledging he heard his name.
“Can I hug you?”
It wasn’t an unusual thing to ask. The two had been physically intimate before, maybe even more than normal best friends. So the question didn’t catch the other off guard. Without a word, Jay turned to his side and reached towards Heeseung.
Taking no time to think, Heeseung enveloped Jay in his arms, running his hands along his sides and back until he was sure Jay was secure in his embrace. His cheek was pressed against his chest and listening to his heartbeat brought a wave of comfort over him, a comfort that he was scared he would never experience again.
That thought broke the dam at last and Heeseung waled into his best friend’s chest, clutching him impossible tighter. Noticing his state, Jay brought one arm to reciprocate the hug with a similar amount of strength while his other was brought up to pet his head.
“I know, Heeseung.” He curled in a little to whisper the words into said boy’s hair. His voice cut off at the end, as though he was holding himself back from crying.
“I-” Heeseung started, trying to keep the sobs in his chest. “I don’t want to say goodbye.” He squeezed tighter. “It’s safer when I’m by your side.”
The two laid there in the darkness, which Heeseung was grateful for since it added an additional layer of comfort, for some time. Jay continued to run his fingers through his hair as Heeseung continued to sob into his chest.
After a while, the taller boy felt the pets slow to a halt and the breaths on his head grew deeper and longer. He peered up at the boy in his grasp and could barely make out that his eyes were shut. Carefully pulling himself away just enough to lay face to face with the other without causing him to stir, Heeseung admired him once again.
The dim, pale light delicately highlighted the sharp features of his face as well as the single tear that had refused to fall, nestled into the outer corner of Jay’s eye. Hesitating for a brief moment, Heeseung dabbed the tear away before caressing his face. He rubbed his thumb over the warm, slightly dry skin.
Suddenly, he felt Jay begin to adjust his position, moving ever so slightly closer to the other before slowly opening his eyes, the same eyes Heeseung loved gazing at whenever Jay didn’t notice
And Heeseung was once again gazing at his eyes but this time, Jay was gazing back. His eyes flickered down to the boy’s lips and he noticed them slightly agape.
“Heeseung…” His name was almost inaudible coming from Jay’s lips and before his brain could scream at him not to, Heeseung leaned in and kissed them.
He watched Jay squeeze his eyes shut before also letting his own close, savoring the moment. Feeling the boy squeeze his upper arm, Heeseung carefully brushed his thumb back and forth on his cheek, attempting to calm his friend’s nerves. He wasn’t able to listen for Jay’s heartbeat due to his own pounding loudly in his ears.
Despite his growing nerves, Heeseung was sure to keep the kiss soft and loving, afraid that anything more would cause the younger to leave earlier than planned. However, he was still there. Still laying beside him, keeping his lips connected with Heeseungs.
Letting his heart get the best of him, again, he tried to push further, but stopped when Jay violently jerked his head to the side, forcing the kiss to break.
Neither of them said anything for a long time, or for what felt like a long time to Heeseung. Uncomfortable with the silence, he tried to call to the other.
“Jay?” he carefully said, making an effort to guide Jay’s eyes back to his. After a moment of hesitation, he turned back, not locking eyes again but rather looking down.
“Jay, I’m so sorry.” Heeseung was becoming increasingly worried. “I didn’t mean to. You just looked so beautiful and my emotions just got-”
He was stopped by a palm firming covering his mouth. Following the arm up to look back at Jay, he noticed another tear had formed in his eye.
“Just be quiet, will you?” Jay snapped, still keeping his voice low. Desperate to make it up, Heeseung swiftly nodded and Jay pulled back his hand. Once again, the two laid in silence. He was horrified to even breathe.
He glanced back down at Jay, who was frozen in his arms and he couldn’t quite figure out whether or not it was a good thing the other had yet to move.
Suddenly, the boy between his arms spoke up, sounding very timid as he did so. “How long have you been wanting to do that?” He still refused to look up at the older.
Heeseung whispered back, “Basically the whole night.”
Jay jerked his head up to look back at the other. “No, not tonight. I meant…” He hesitated for a moment, resuming a bit quieter, “I meant, in the time we’ve known each other, how long have you wanted to do that?”
Even Heeseung himself didn’t know. He has always been fond of Jay. He’s had a small crush on him since the beginning of highschool, but it wasn’t until senior year, until he knew he was gonna lose him soon, that his feelings morphed into love.
“Since the start of senior year,” he replied truthfully, never taking his eyes off of Jay, who just nodded at his response.
There was another drawn out moment of silence before Jay spoke up again. “Heeseung?”
“Hmm?” Heeseung hummed.
“Come to America with me.” Jay wasn’t asking Heesueng to join him back to his home country, he stated it, almost sounding like a demand.
The older’s eyes widened, mouth opening and closing, unable to form a response. “What?” was all he was able to get out.
Jay smiled, softly shoving him. “I know you understood me. Don’t act dumb.” Turning to lay on his back, he continued. “I can understand if you wouldn’t want to-”
Heesueng shot up, resting his weight on one forearm while his other hand grabbed Jay’s arm. “I’ll go.” He almost yelled it.
Jay turned to look back up at his friend, his slight smile still on his face. “Good. After all, I feel safer by your side, too.”
Lovingly gazing at the boy he fell for all those years ago, Heeseung moved his hand from Jay’s arm to brush away the few strands of hair that fell in front of his face. After revealing his sharp eyes, the older boy cupped his cheek and brought his head down to rest his forehead against Jay’s, letting his eyes fall shut in the process.
“I want to stay by your side,” he whispered, not wanting to break the tender moment.
Heeseung felt Jay’s hands cup his own cheeks, pulling Heeseung down a little firmer, “Me too.”
— — —
Heeseung had never left his hometown, let alone his home country. The bussiling sounds of the airport caused his heart to race and the non stop movement of people made his head spin.
“Hyung,” Jay called, bringing Heeseung back to the moment. He looked forward and a few yards ahead of him stood his love, turned slightly towards him and extending a hand in his direction. “C’mon, we don’t want to miss our flight.”
A smile formed in the taller boy’s face as he caught up and grasped Jay’s hand. “Lead the way,” he said, letting the shorter guide him to the “International Flights” gates and to a future he was still unclear on. But it didn’t matter, because he had his lifeline by his side.