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Neither Moiraine nor Lan could really tell how long they stayed in front of each other, foreheads and noses touching. Even if the onslaught of feelings the bond slammed into their souls needed time to get used to, finding each other again in the ocean of their personal nightmares was a relief, like coming home after being stranded in a storm. Slowly, their breathing got even, their hearts beating in perfect accord again, and they managed to open their eyes to stare at each other like they could see each other for the first time after ages. Lan was the first one to step back, squeezing her hands one last time before he could let them go.
"We need to move. We are too exposed." His voice was a soft rumble against the crashing of the waves. He assessed at the cliffs, but turned back to stare quizzically at Moiraine when she grabbed one of his hands with both of hers.
"I'm so sorry."
Lan was almost startled by Moiraine trembling voice. He brought his free hand to cup her cheek, comprehension and forgiveness seeping through the bond in gentle reassurance, but she shook resolutely her head.
"No, I owe you words. You don't deserve any more silence, you endured enough of it. - she insisted, a renewed pang of guilt shooting through the bond - I'm sorry, Lan. I really am. I feel so deeply and utterly miserable for what I put you through." She exhaled slowly, forcing herself to keep her eyes on his.
"I found out I can survive without the One Power. I won't, if I can help it, since I'm more effective if I can channel. But I can survive. - she shrugged, holding back the tears pooling in her eyes - I can torch anything and pass on anybody for my mission." She flinched, and Lan felt a sting of pain that could only mean she was thinking to Siuan, lying at ground while the portal closed behind them.
"I can and I will do what I need to do without a flicker of hesitation to save the world. But... I... It turns out that... I can't stand the idea of you dying because of me. I can't. Tried to, but..."
Lan smiled softly, a lump in his throat, finding out that, as much as he didn't need to hear her apologizing... to see her doing her best to explain herself and struggling for words was a balm he didn't realize he needed.
"It's ok if we die for Rand, but... not if you die for me. Not you. You... You're... all I known for certain to have. And I do hope you know it, even now. Even after... all I did." She whispered, horrified by her rambling, shame crashing in the bond . Lan was quick to nod, earning a tiny, relieved smile from her that was quick to fade. Moiraine took a deep breath, taking a moment before forcing herself to continue.
"I knew I had to send you away, I couldn't have you risk your life to protect the wretched excuse of an Aes Sedai I had become. But... I couldn't. I didn't want to be alone as much as I didn't want you risking your life for me.... So I kept trying to force you to make the choice for me." She muttered, squeezing his hand. Lan was about to answer, but stayed silent, sensing she wasn't done yet.
"The night you threw yourself between me and the Fades was a nightmare coming true: you, dying in front of me because I couldn't give you anything. No strenght, no protection, no healing. I was so ashamed I couldn't even look at you. You, my always brave and faithful Lan, ready to die for me... And me, not being able to die, to die just a little, in my soul and send you to safety." She sighed.
"That's when I knew I had to square my damn shoulders. I needed to hit you so hard you wouldn't bounce back. That's... that's when I got desperate enough to drag you to Alanna - she paused - That... That was vile, even for me. But I hope somehow you'll forgive me."
Lan pulled her to him, enveloping her in his arms without hesitation, relieved to feel her melting against his body and press herself as close as possible to him.
"There's nothing to forgive. Not even what you did with Alanna... - He murmured after a minute. - I've nothing to forgive, because...it's us. Nobody usually understands, but we do. Me and you against all odds to save the world. I should have known better what you were doing, cut the brooding and force you to reason. It's my fault as well if you spiralled that out of reach. But we learn every time we fall, don't we? Someone told me once... your losses are mine..." she could feel his half smile even with her eyes closed, even without the bond. Lan was gently coaxing her out of self-deprecation, and Moiraine felt all of sudden how enormously she had missed him, and couldn't believe she thought she could soldier on without him. She felt a smile crack on her lips as well.
"And mine yours." She whispered back.
"I'm with you. To the end of this world and over, in this turning of the Wheel and in all the next. You can't let me go, because I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. So, no more nonsense." He murmured before pressing a kiss on her forehead and taking a step back.
Moiraine felt like she could breath again after months.
Light, she had missed him so much.
They stared at each other, the bond exploding with love and belonging, and she had to bite her lips to suppress the smile Lan felt anyway right in the back of his soul, before turning to look at the city of Falme in the distance.
"So... Should we go? Looks like we can try to reach Rand by night." She said.
"Tomorrow." Lan observed.
"Come on, we covered more miles in an afternoon before." She scoffed, shielding her eyes with one hand to study the landscape.
"We need to leave the beach, the tide is rising and, as I was saying before...I don't like how exposed we are. Any archer could ambush us..."
"I just got my Warder back. I pity whoever comes with the intention of harming me." She smiled, turning to look fondly at him. Lan couldn't help but feel his chest puff a little, even if he tried to glare back to her.
"You need to eat and rest before we find Rand." he tried to reason.
"I can sleep once in Falme."
"No you won't. You'll stop to heal every single bloody person on your way to Rand, then proceed to assist him in the next part of the journey without slowing down, until you'll collapse from exhaustion."
"I could do without the sun, but I'm fine." She huffed, straightening her back while unbuttoning her blue jacket. Lan scoffed, and they glared at each other for some minutes, back at fighting through the bond.
"If I promise to sleep a little... will you stop fussing and agree to make it by the end of the day?" Moiraine tried to bargain, hands on her hips.
Lan sighed.
"I don't fuss. I just don't think you can manage the pace we need to reach the city, and-" He winced the moment the words left his lips. She felt Moiraine stiffening, offended.
"You do fuss without reason. Come on, Rand needs us!" Moiraine bristled, wrestling out of her jacket, picking up her skirt to march on the shore in the direction of the city. Lan shook his head, picking up his pace to follow her.
Perfect. Just perfect. Now she would make a point to arrive at Falme without pausing just to prove him wrong. She was practically running on that beach. He couldn't help it but smile.
Light, he had missed her so much.