Work Text:
Maomao, carrying dinner from Jinshi's Palace, headed to the dormitory kitchen. A mix of emotions swirled within her. She tried not to dwell on what had happened. At least, until she could quench her thirst and satiate her hunger. She had skipped meals for an entire day. Yet, it was difficult to ignore the thoughts that invaded her mind.
Maomao prepared herself, planning everything she would need. Recently, Jinshi had summoned her to his palace. She decided this might be the perfect opportunity. For a long time, she had resolved to take this step between them. If he were not ready to assert himself and did not want to pressure her out of kindness and consideration, then it was up to her to take the initiative.
Yet, his behavior was frustrating. She had urged him to stop hesitating and use her. After all, medicine doesn't work if it's not used properly.
Despite her understanding of his reasons, feelings of annoyance and disappointment emerged. She does not want him to adopt such an approach in dealing with her or in his life overall. As a prince, his life was filled with responsibilities and duties that required him to be firm. He needed to know what was his and what was expected of him. He also needed to know what he could claim by right, and what he could refuse if it did not serve his best interests.
After warming the dinner, Maomao went to her room. The night chill enveloped her, despite it being spring.
She sat down to enjoy her late meal. With the first bite, the warmth of the food spread through her body, a testament to Suiren’s culinary skills.
Meals prepared by others always tasted delightful. But her hunger made the flavors feel even more exquisite. She finished devouring her food, but the thoughts continued to flow.
As Maomao turned to her bed in an attempt to sleep, a wave of fatigue washed over her. Though not drunk, a strange lethargy settled in, perhaps due to the sake she had consumed earlier.
Maomao couldn’t understand where she had erred in her actions; her decision had been based on her own conviction. After deep reflection, she concluded that her choice had indeed been the right one.
The reality of what awaited did not intimidate her, especially since Jinshi was the other party involved.
Previously, while considering what she should do and say exactly and what she should bring with her to his palace, Maomao felt a sense of certainty and comfort.
She had come to know and understand Jinshi well; he had changed so much from who he once was. He would not harm her or force her into anything if she wanted to back out—a thought she would not consider at all. For when Maomao set her mind to something, she would not hold back or retreat; she would see it through to the end.
Though she felt nervous, she did not let that deter her. As long as what would happen was between her and Jinshi, it would be fine. Mysteriously, she felt reassured about the whole situation.
What prompted Maomao to do this was an idea that had begun to occupy her mind for some time, particularly after her kidnapping in the western capital and a visit to his office, where a strange turn of events left her embracing him on the floor.
She found herself reflecting on the contrast between the intensity of their feelings and their social standings. His willingness to give up his position, title, and claim to the throne for her confused her.
Who would relinquish such things for someone like her?
On the other hand, Maomao felt troubled because she had nothing of value to offer him. His passionate feelings for her seemed wasted. She had little to give in return—perhaps only lukewarm feelings. She had never believed she possessed the capacity for love or to express affection.
How could she devote her emotions to someone else when she did not even understand them? Deep down, she knew she had a limited ability to feel, and that had always been her state. Although she did experience human emotions, they were far less vivid than those of others.
Therefore, Maomao thought that, at the very least, she could offer him something he desired.
The fact that he had always avoided directly demanding what he wanted, adopting a patient approach so as not to drive her away, waiting for her to willingly agree—even though he could easily express his desires—led her to simply choose to go to him and present herself to him of her own accord.
Jinshi was of marriageable age and had been for years. Maomao found it astonishing that he could restrain himself. Yet she couldn’t help but see the futility of it. Why not just step forward and take what he wanted?
Her slender frame and fragile bones may not please him. She might fail to satisfy him. But her education at the Veridrgis House had given her the skills to succeed, or at least to fulfill her duties. It is well known that men value this relationship. The better a woman is at it, the deeper their connection to her becomes.
Jinshi would not shy away from her if she failed. This eased her tension and comforted her. It made her more determined to engage in this matter.
Ultimately, if she were to become beneficial to him in this regard, so be it...
Yet he rejected her nonetheless, leaving her with the lingering question: Why?
Despite her efforts to postpone this line of thought, the ideas relentlessly pursue her.
She believes that the reason lies in the fact that, after all they have been through, he has matured and learned to control himself; he no longer pressures her or insists that she reciprocate his feelings, and he has begun to respect her boundaries. Maomao understands some of his motives. But his indecisiveness disappoints her. How many times must she urge him to take a stand?
It is true that she wishes to avoid the complications with Empress Gyoukyou; having a child with Jinshi would not benefit either party. It might bind him to the throne more than he desires.
Discovering the branding on the Prince’s body—bearing the Empress's emblem—would lead to countless problems; consequently, Jinshi could marry no one but her.
So, why continue to delay taking that step? Would not they end up there eventually? It would be wiser to act now rather than wait.
She had even prepared ways to do it safely and had planned ahead to take the necessary steps to avoid any potential consequences from mistakes.
Maomao felt a strange twinge in her chest. "I've followed all the proper steps, as is customary in the Veridrgis House. It's true I couldn’t perform the ritual as it should be done, but still…"
The question now is how she will face him. How can she interact with him comfortably, as if nothing had happened? Ultimately, Maomao decided to put off thinking about it. "Forget about it for now; after all, we won’t meet for a while! Until then, I'll figure something out." Yet, no matter how hard she tried, she could not forget. Jinshi's gaze and the tone of his voice lingered with her. His apology, in particular, unsettled her; he would spend the rest of the night feeling regretful and blaming himself. It could lead to insomnia, which she knew he did not need. He was already exhausting himself by staying up late, and a lack of sleep would only worsen his health.
"I should prepare something to ease his mind and help him relax. Ideally, something that makes him feel drowsy so he can sleep."
To avoid the awkwardness of meeting him, Maomao decides to send the medicine through someone else. Perhaps Gaoshun or Chue, though she preferred to avoid the latter, as she would inevitably be curious and ask why she wasn’t delivering it herself—something she wanted to sidestep. Still, the news might reach her regardless.
Maomao let out a deep sigh that felt as if it came from the depths of her heart, "Ugh, I told him we could avoid the risks. I could have handled it. There were so many alternatives. If only he had listened to me."
She tossed and turned in her bed for a while before settling on her back, her head sinking into the pillow. Drowsiness washed over her, but just before she drifted off to sleep, a thought crossed her mind: "If only I could see the frog. Then I could accurately gauge and bring the appropriate size of protection the next time.”