Chapter Text
Wanderer finds himself standing in front of the Shouki no Kami bot once again. He has lost count of how many times it terrified his thoughts; the deepest parts of his mind that he didn’t want anyone to know about.
He is healed. He is past this, why is it showing up now?
Nahida and the Traveler stand on either side of him, facing the great mech that was, well, himself. The Balladeer can be seen in the head of the robot, laughing as he once used to.
His hands ball into fists as a sense of unease washes over him. Fight. It’s what he was made to do, after all. Wanderer starts forward, summoning his catalyst in his right hand. He weaves back and forth, avoiding the giant hands of the Shouki no Kami as they try to swat him out of the air. Scaramouche is still laughing away, as if it was a game to pluck him out of the air like a cat catching a bird.
Narrowly avoiding a blow, he strikes several times with his wind blades. It is just as nerve-wracking as the first time. But he can do this, it’s himself that he is fighting after all—
Wanderer isn’t prepared to be snatched midair by the robot hand. Immediately he thrashes and tries to fight the pressure on his lungs, squeezing the life out of him as he is held up to the Scaramouche controlling the robot. He can feel the sweat on the back of his neck as he is brought face to face with his Fatui counterpart.
It’s ironic, really, that his greatest enemy is himself. But mostly pathetic. He can’t even win against himself. Wanderer thrashes yet again. Panic sets in his chest; he can’t lose this fight. Nahida and the Traveler are still below, unable to interfere as they watch their friend and companion be picked up like the puppet he is.
“So it seems I’m worthless when I’m reincarnated,” Scaramouche says mockingly. “Pathetic.”
Wanderer just glares. “Put me down.”
“You? Why does the inferior version of me even deserve to live?”
He refuses to answer, only continuing to fight against the hold on him.
Scaramouche draws him closer to his place in the mech, letting the robot head open up to reveal himself. The Balladeer looks unamused at this point, clearly done with trying to put on an act. “What happened to you, giving up on all your ambitions? I’m disgusted at what you’ve — I’ve — become.”
“I’m- no. I’m not doing this manipulation game,” he spits, though his heart is already racing with borderline fear.
“Heh. If you’re saying that my efforts are futile, then we can move on with the show.” The hand of Shouki no Kami tightens around Wanderer, driving the breath from his lungs. The other hand reaches for him as well.
The boy’s eyes widen slightly, despite him trying to not show his fear. He is dead. As the hand reaches for him, all the light leaves his vision before he is painfully smothered to death.
///
Wanderer sits up in bed, drawing in such a violent breath that he is immediately dragged into a coughing fit. He runs a hand through his hair to push away his bangs sticking to his head with sweat. Archons… it was another dream about that cursed day. Just because he won doesn’t mean that the fight had left his mind; in fact, he was still routinely plagued by visions of Scaramouche.
He’s sorry for what he did, he really is. Why can’t it just leave his mind? He and Nahida have worked through the problem a thousand times. He even tries to help out in society. Sometimes.
He sinks back his bed, trying to at least calm his breathing and get a bit more sleep. The clock on the wall reads almost four am. He’ll be getting up to go to the Akademiya in two hours, so he figures he should try and get a little bit more sleep.
A soft pattering on the floor outside his room alerts him of Nahida’s presence, soon followed by her sticking her head into his room.
Wanderer hasn’t quite wiped the worried look off his face, so it is pretty obvious what he’s feeling. And yet he denies. “What,” he deadpans.
“Is something the matter?” Her voice is soft as she looks at him with those wide green eyes.
“Nothing. Nothing’s the matter.”
Ignoring his words, she goes over and sits on the edge of his bed like a concerned parent. That’s basically what she is to him anyway…
“Don’t even think about reading my thoughts,” he says harshly. He didn’t mean to, but he also didn’t want her to worry so much.
“I don’t have to. They’re written all over your face.” Nahida tilts her head as she speaks. Some of her white hair falls over her shoulder, as it isn’t tied up into its usual ponytail at this hour of the day.
Wanderer huffs silently, stubbornly staring at his sheets.
“Another nightmare, I’m guessing,” she says quietly. “You know you’re more than the Balladeer. You’re better than Scaramouche or any other alias you’ve been through. Just having the guilt about it shows that you’ve improved. These things wouldn’t have bothered you when you were Scaramouche.”
“No one here would be thrilled to know that I almost wiped out the whole nation of Sumeru. It’s not like I’m making a bigger deal out of it than what it is.”
Nahida looks at him seriously. “You’ve restarted since then. You’re working to be a better person. And I’ll be there for you during that whole process. Healing isn’t immediately noticeable until you look back on yourself.”
Nahida and her dumb words that make me feel better, he grumbles to himself. Of course the Goddess of Wisdom would know what to say.
“At least try and talk to more people in the Akademiya.” She stands up, but not before setting a comforting hand on his. “I worry for you. Not so much your previously murderous nature, but how you get along with other students.”
He scoffs and lies down again. “Not worth my time.”
“Think about it. And get some sleep.”
Wanderer remains on his side, not looking up as the girl leaves the room. What’s even more annoying than her giving… effective inspirational talks is when she tries to tell him to get a social life. He refuses to believe that, as a puppet, he needs companions or whatever.
He closes his eyes. The tension from the nightmare has all but disappeared, leaving him even more exhausted. He yanks the blanket up to his face so that all but his eyes and soft indigo hair are visible.
Two more hours of sleep before school sounds good though. Maybe she does know some things.