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Louis can’t breathe. There was just too many people and… And… He couldn’t do this. “H-Haz…” he croaks out, reaching for his hand in the crowd.
Harry turns around and sees his boyfriend in distress. “You alright, baby?” he asks, grabbing his head and smiling gently at him.
Louis shakes his head and nearly passes out as the crowd just pulls in tighter. They had to get out of here. Why were they even here? “H-Harry… I can’t… I can’t breathe,” he gasps, tugging at his hand so they can leave.
Harry just steps closer, causing the people around them to bump into Louis. No, no, they have to leave. “Come on. We need to get to our plane or-“
“Harry! I can’t breathe!” he sobs, whole body shaking with fear. Oh god, he needs air. Just some fucking air!
“Louis… What’s going on?”
Louis doesn’t even answer before pulling Harry with him, shoving people away so he can just fucking breathe!
Once he’s in open air, he collapses onto the ground, tears rapidly spilling down his cheeks. “H-Harry…” he stutters, reaching for his boyfriend who is standing above him.
Harry kneels next to him and pulls him into his arms. “Baby, what’s wrong?” he asks, softly stroking his back. Louis can’t answer. His whole body is weak and he still can’t breathe. “Hey, hey, Lou. Deep breaths. Can you look at me,” he says.
Louis looks up and sees Harry smiling at him, taking his hand and resting it on his chest. “Breathe in when my chest rises. Can you do that for me, baby?” Slowly, Louis nods, taking in a large shaky breaths. Harry pulls him into his arms, gently kissing his cheeks. “It’s alright, baby. Just breath nice and easy. It’s you and I right here,”
Louis sobs, clinging to his boyfriend. “T-Too much,” he stutters. “Too many… P-People…”
“It’s OK, Lou. We’re alone. Just us. You don’t have to be worried about anything,” he coaxes, rubbing his hand along his back. Louis looks up at him and smiles, wiping his tears away. Harry smiles at him and kisses his nose. “Feel better, love?” he asks.
Louis nods. “S-Sorry,” he says shamefully. “We… We’re gonna to m-miss our flight,”
Harry just shakes his head and gives him a reassuring smile. “It’s fine, Lou. We’ll get on another one. I care about you more than catching that plane,” he says. “Why don’t we get you home so you can rest. You still don’t look too good.”
Louis wants to protest, saying he’s fine, but then he sees the crowd of people and he nods, grabbing his boyfriends hand and squeezing it. “I-I love you,” he says as he pulls him up, wrapping an arm around his waist.
“I love you too, baby.”
With that, the two walk out of the airport, not really caring about how their luggage is going halfway across the country without them.
x
The next panic attack is a few days later when they’re at home.
Louis is sitting alone on the couch, heart racing a million times a minute. He can’t breath and Harry isn’t home. “H-Harry,” he whispers pathetically, knowing its useless. He’s trying so hard to calm himself down, but he’s all alone, and he can’t breathe.
“Louis? I’m ho-“ he stops mid sentence me he sees his boyfriend collapsed on the couch, sobbing his eyes out, clearly struggling for breath. “Hey, hey, baby, whats wrong?” he asks, running over to him. He sits next to him and scoops him onto his lap, running his hand through his hair.
Louis was used to the panic attacks. He had them ever since he was a teenager. But he had tried to hide them for Harry for as long possible, but now they were coming back at full force. He panicked about everything. Crowds. Singing on stage. Meeting new people. Even just being alone sent him into a wave of panic and anxiety. He didn’t know why this was happening.
“Sh, sh, Louis. No crying. I’m right here,” he comforts, kissing his cheeks.
But Louis is too far gone, whole body seizing in panic. “Oh god, Haz… I can’t… I can’t breath… P-Please…”
Harry wraps his arms around him tightly and wipes away his rapidly falling tears. “You gotta calm down, baby. You’re hurting yourself.”
“I can’t!” he cries. “D-Don’t you understand, I can’t just… Just fucking calm down! I can’t fucking… Fucking…” Louis sobs, curling into his grip. “I’m so so s-scared,” he whispers.
Harry just holds him closer, hoping that he can fix this. Hoping he can make Louis feel safe.
x
Louis feels his heart racing minutes before they walk on stage. Harry notices his slightly panicked look and grabs his hand, kissing his cheek and telling him that everything would be OK.
But Louis couldn’t believe him.
Which is why when they’re on stage and it’s Louis turn to sing, nothing comes out. People, so many people, are screaming at them and the boys turn to look at him when he doesn’t sing. “Lou?” Harry whispers. “It’s your turn,”
Louis looks over at him and that’s when he realizes the music had stopped and the room was almost silent, just a few staggered screams from the crowd. His body starts to shake and he goes to run off the stage, but Harry grabs his wrist, giving him a worried look.
Suddenly, Louis can’t breathe.
“H-Haz…” he gasps.
Harry notices and gives Liam and Niall a worried look, before rushing off stage with his panicking boyfriend.
Immediately, people start asking questions and telling them to get back onstage, but Harry ignores then, more worried about his boyfriend than anything else. Louis is softly crying behind him, trying to pull himself away. “N-No…” he mumbles as they walk into the dressing room, Harry closing it and locking the door.
He brings Louis into his arms, shushing him as he starts to sob, clinging to his strong body. “Oh, Lou,” he says, pulling away slightly so he can look at his face.
It’s covered in tears and slightly red from the strain of not being able to breathe. “Baby, what happened out there? You’ve been so good lately,”
Louis sniffles and feels his shoulders shudder. Why is he like this? “I don’t… I don’t know…” is all he says, falling back into Harry’s arms.
Harry gently shushes him and whispers that everything will be alright. But Louis doesn’t believe him.
Everything was just falling apart.
x
“Louis?”
Louis’ head shoots up and he notices Liam staring at him. Why was he staring at him? “You alright, Lou? You look a little…” he trails off when he notices Louis isn’t breathing. “Lou, mate, what’s wrong?” he asks, stepping over to him hotel bed and sitting next to him.
Louis starts to panic even more, scooting away from him. “I’m um… I’m f-fine,” he says.
But Liam doesn’t believe him. He wraps an arm around him and Louis flinches, standing up and making a mad dash for the bathroom. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t panic in front of him too.
“Harry’s in there!” Liam calls as Louis goes to open it.
But Louis doesn’t care. He tears the door open and ignores Harry’s small squeal. “Hey, hey, occupied here,” he says before he realizes it Louis.
Louis slides down the door and sobs into his knees, waiting for Harry to walk over to him and coax him. “Lou, baby?” he says, stepping towards him. He sits next to his sobbing boyfriend and wraps an arm around him. “What is it this time, baby?”
Louis cries, rapidly shaking his head. “I don’t… I don’t…” Louis chokes on a sob and clings to Harry, relishing in his soft touch. “L-Liam saw and I… and I don’t want h-him to-to m-make fun of m-me…” he cries.
“Oh, Louis, sweetie,” he says, running a hand through his fringe. “Liam wouldn’t ever make fun of you. You’ve got nothing to worry about. Just breathe nice and easy like we talked about, baby. Can you do that for me, love?”
Louis takes in a big, shaky breath and nods, his body shaking turning to subtle shivering. “I-I’m so s-scared… All the-the time…” he manages, breath hitching. “I want… Want it to go a-away.”
Harry pulls him closer, lifting him onto his lap and stroking the nape of his neck. “It’s alright, love. It’s not going to be like this forever. We’ll make it through this.”
Louis almost screams he’s so scared and thrashes in his lap. “I can’t do this anymore!” He’s sobbing into Harry’s neck, begging for this to end, and all Harry can do it hold him, whispering that everything will be OK. Even if he’s not sure.
x
Harry is gone. Just… Gone.
He stormed out a few hours ago, saying he was sick and tired of taking care of him, that it had been long enough where night after night he coaxed him from a nightmare or surprise panic attack, and he just couldn’t anymore.
Now Louis was alone. Laying in their bed. Crying.
He’s actually sobbing, while desperately trying to calm himself down. If Harry wasn’t going to be here anymore, then he needed to learn how to take care of himself. Slowly and cautiously gets out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom.
Where the sharp things are.
He goes to the box and opens it, quickly grabbing one of the small metal razor. He sobs and tosses it to the ground. It’s not good enough. He grabs another, a bigger one, slamming the box shut and sitting down against the now closed bathroom door. He waits a few seconds before dragging the razor across one of his hipbones.
Once he’s hips are dripping with blood, he goes to his arms, then his ankles, and suddenly he’s bleeding everywhere and sobbing into the fresh cuts, whole body numb with immense pain.
He didn’t mean for this to happen.
“Louis?”
Louis jumps as he hears Harry’s voice and the door opens and close. He scrambles to get into the bathtub so he can clean off his body, but he trips, crying out in pain as his cuts open.
“Louis!?”
Harry opens the bathroom door as soon as he hears his cry and sees his boyfriend lying, covered in his own blood, sobbing. “Oh my god, Lou, what did you do!?” he says worriedly, scooping him up into his arms and running to the bathtub. Without really thinking, he turns the shower on and watches as the blood cleans off him, revealing the deep gashes all over his arms, hips, and legs.
“H-How could… How could you d-do this to yourself, Lou? Why did… Why did you…”
Harry’s words taper off into hiccuped sobs and he sits down, a semi limp Louis in his arms, letting the warm water cascade over them. “I never, ever meant for this to happen, Lou. I was just… I was just so tired… And I-I never should've have t-taken it-it out on y-you…”
Louis is sobbing, whole body aching with pain and desperation to just disappear. “H-Harry…” he sobs. “It-It hurts… S-So bad,”
“Shh, baby, let’s get you to the hospital, alright? You’ll-“
“No!” he shouts. “No, I don’t want to go back there! Please don’t make me go!” Harry holds him tighter and grabs a washcloth, rubbing gently over the scars on his arms. Louis whimpers and tugs his arm away. “H-Hurts…” he mumbles.
“You have to let me do this, baby. Or we go to the hospital.”
Louis’ lower lip trembles and he unwraps himself from Harry. “C-Can we, uh, take a-a bath?” he asks nervously.
Harry nods and lifts him out of the bath, carefully slipping him out of his sopping wet clothes. Once he's naked, Harry gasps, eyes welling with tears at the sight of his scarred body. "I'm so sorry, baby," he whispers, pulling him back into the tub. Louis tugs at his clothes but Harry just shakes his head, turning the bath water on.
He lays the naked, sobbing man between his legs and shushes him as the bath fills with warm water. "Oh, love, please stop crying. I'm right here. Everything's going to be OK. I promise."
Louis sniffles and looks up at him. "You won't... You won't leave again?" he asks, body tense from the sting of the water in his cuts. Harry smiles and kisses his nose, pressing their foreheads together.
"I'm never leaving you. I love you."
Louis smiles and takes in a breath, finally feeling like he can breathe again. "I love you too,"