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Gurathin sat at his desk, his console off, putting the finishing touches on his outfit in the reflection of the dark display surface. SecUnit said it would stop by today to escort him back to his quarters on Preservation Station, like it did every week now. This time it cited a ‘security briefing’, but it said something different every week. This was its idea of being tactful. Really they were all thinly-veiled excuses to continue the no-expectations exploration of its relationship with touch and intimacy, with Gurathin acting as guinea pig. It was insulting, probably. Gurathin didn’t much care. He liked hearing what new ridiculous reason SecUnit came up with. A good exercise in creative thinking for the construct.
He took a few moments to make himself more presentable than usual, even if, as SecUnit always reminded him, it reserved the right not to show up. But it always did. He combed his hair and put on his nicer sweater, the one that SecUnit liked to touch when it thought Gurathin was distraction. But Gurathin noticed.
The few final touches came in the form of piercings. Nothing out of the ordinary, at least on his home planet, except that he hadn’t worn any of his piercings on Preservation. And he did have quite a few: earrings, a nose ring, even spikes in his lips and a stud in the center of his tongue. So, actually completely out of the ordinary.
“Seriously.”
This came from Ratthi, who was sitting at his own console in the lab, staring at Gurathin’s mouth.
“You sound like my old supervisor,” Gurathin said, around the spikes. “Don’t worry, they’re a thing where I come from, if only in certain circles.”
“Well, yeah! You had piercings all this time and you never wore them?”
“No one wears them here, so, no. I’m just surprised the holes didn’t close up.”
“I thought they were acne scars!”
Gurathin huffed. “You don’t get acne scars in the Rim.”
“You’re going to scare SecUnit off, you know.”
Gurathin shrugged as he tried to slide the last of the lip rings into place. “We’re under no expectations.”
“So you’re just trying to screw with it, then?”
“No. I wanted to wear my piercings today. SecUnit can take it or leave it.”
Ratthi let out an annoyed snort, so uncharacteristic that Gurathin turned from the display surface to look at him.
“Don’t tell me you’re jealous.”
“I actually kind of am!” Ratthi sighed, pushing his beautiful hair back with an equally-beautiful hand. Gurathin was suddenly glad for the opportunity to bring out this new unpleasant sensation in his friend, and was unmoved.
“I mean, I’m the one from the multi-way marital capital of the galaxy,” Ratthi continued. “I think I’m pretty well equipped to handle no-strings-attached intimacy!”
“I’m sure you could.”
“If it asked me I would have been more than happy to assist.”
“I know.”
“Seriously, I could teach it a lot!”
“…Just let me have this, Ratthi.”
Ratthi sighed again. “Hey, no problem. Clearly it’s into you, not me.”
“It’s not into me.” Gurathin glanced up at the ceiling as he said it, found himself making eye contact with a camera. SecUnit, like him, was observant, and it was probably monitoring that camera at the very moment. He didn’t look away though. Acne scars or no, Gurathin was well aware that he fell outside of tranditional parameters of beauty. Still, he was very aware of SecUnit’s attention, not eye contact but drone flight patterns and markers of a mysterious feed presence snooping around in his augments told their own story. If SecUnit was going to kiss him just to try something new then Gurathin was going to as well, and refuse to be embarrassed. He’d never been particularly embarrassed around SecUnit, really. It’s why he brought up this little no-expectations arrangement in the first place.
He wondered what SecUnit made of him now: an asshole, an annnoyance, and also the kind of person that wore piercings to insult old supervisors and offend Preservation sensibilities.
Still, he didn’t exactly expect SecUnit to mention his appearance, other than to complain. He was proven right.
“What the fuck is all that stuff on your face?” Such eloquence. SecUnit’s slightly unhinged reactions to him were always fascinating to observe.
“Cosmetic augments,” he said. “Pin-Lee wears earrings.”
“Yeah. Pin-Lee. Not you. Not—is there metal in your tongue?”
“You have methods of obtaining that data yourself.”
It probably didn’t understand Gurathin’s reference, because it just glared. “This is because we’re—” It looked around, glaring, as if it was the universe’s fault for existing when it wanted to talk about something private. It could have messaged Gurathin in the feed except that Gurathin hadn’t switched his feed over from “Do Not Disturb” yet. And SecUnit was allergic to asking for things it wanted.
“You already have vision augments, There’s too much going on with your face.”
Gurathin couldn’t help but crinkled his big brow. “Oh, there was always too much going on with my face, SecUnit.”
“Well?” it demanded. “Are you going to take them off?”
“My vision augments?”
“Oh, now who’s being willfully obtuse? You’re just trying to back out.”
“Not at all.”
“Well, if you think I’m going to kiss you like that, you’re—” it stopped, because Ratthi squeaked. Gurathin glanced at him and turned over his hands.
“Sorry,” Ratthi mumbled. “I guess I didn’t totally believe that you two were actually—uh--” he waved his hands. “Never mind.”
SecUnit pouted at him, then glared at Gurathin’s mouth. “That’s right. Because it’s off. I’m not escorting you anywhere wearing all that.”
“Alright,” Gurathin replied.
“Oh, like, you’re not even upset?” It gave the biggest eyeroll Gurathin had ever seen—a truly incredible feat.
“I had no expectations, SecUnit. As you requested.”
“Most humans like kissing,” SecUnit informed him. “And you’re a loner so you probably don’t get to kiss people very often. You’re missing your chance.”
Alright, that was a little insulting. But he considered for a moment before he said, calmly, “I guess you don’t know everything about humans, yet.”
Then he leaned over, slid is hand around Ratthi’s shoulders, and kissed him. They stayed like that a while, letting SecUnit get a really good look, After all, who knew how many kisses it had seen without fast-forwarding through? Their lips parted with a soft wet sound.
“…I guess that’s a good consolation prize,” Ratthi breathed. He touched the imprint Gurathin’s nose ring left on his cheek and grinned. “Hey, you’re pretty good!”
High praise, Gurathin thought, coming from the multi-way marital capital of the galaxy. He excused himself and headed home. Honestly, he expected the joke to end there. SecUnit’s uncertain moods and inclinations were notoriously hard to pin down—it was part of the reason Gurathin liked it so much. And he liked SecUnit much more than he liked kissing. If SecUnit preferred to end the experiment there, so be it. Seeing SecUnit’s outraged response to his jewelry was reward enough.
It was why he was stunned into silence when SecUnit was there standing in his room when he arrived home.
“Fine,” it hissed. Gurathin genuinely didn’t know what it was talking about until it added, “So long as we’re never speaking of it again.”
“Not speaking of the piercings?” Gurathin managed. “Because Ratthi already knows that we kissed.”
“You told him?”
“You said no expectations. I assumed that went both ways.”
SecUnit made a very robotic and yet very human sound: a sort of Errrrrr. Perhaps he experienced some minor system failure. “You are such an asshole.”
“Experimental results are more predictable with controlled variables.” Maybe it would take that bit of advice to whoever it planned to kiss next.
Then it said, “I want to know what its like. Kissing with—all that stuff on. I mean it’ll probably be like kissing motherboard or some barbed wire. But still.”
Gurathin touched the spike in his lip. “I see. Let me think.”
“You want to. That’s why you’re wearing it, you’re trying to—” it waved its arms with sudden energy, “—attract me.”
It must have gotten that terminology from ART, given the confidence in its tone. And Gurathin had no plans to dispute it. He just tilted his head.
“You could be trying to make me jealous again,” it said. “Joke’s on you, Ratthi will kiss anyone so it’s impossible to be jealous.”
“Mm.”
“You just love messing with me, don’t you? You’re trying to confuse me. Or actually date me. Or kill me.”
“…I think your desire to kiss me is impairing your judgment, SecUnit.” Well, if that didn’t chase it off, nothing would.
“Yeah, well, I’m not that fucking smart to begin with.” It immediately proved itself wrong by executing a complicated maneuver to unlock the nearby closet, hack it, shove them both inside and lock the door behind them, all in one smooth motion. Gurathin let himself be trapped among the hung-up coats, years of experience being shoved around by this particular SecUnit turning his body into a rag doll.
“Really?” he asked. He was already taking off his glasses.
“I may or may not have surveillance in your quarters,” SecUnit said. “Which can be hacked. This is safer.”
“For who?” Gurathin pressed himself forward into SecUnit’s space. He half expected to run into armor under that bulky jacket but SecUnit was rather plush at the moment. Almost huggable. He stopped with his metal-studded mouth an inch from SecUnit’s.
“I don’t suppose you’d be satisfied with a peck on the cheek?” He offered. “I don’t want to cause any abrasions.”
“I’m used to being abraided. If that’s a word—don’t fucking correct me.” It pouted again. “I just want to see what it’s like. I mean. It’s going to—feel different.”
“It might even taste different.”
SecUnit licked its own lips: unadorned, a little chapped. “Can I kiss you?”
“…Sure.” It was hell trying to end this ridiculous conversation on the appropriate mouth-shape, but with that he just managed it. SecUnit wasted no time pressing its mouth up against Gurathin’s. Metal clicked against teeth. His studded tongue swept over SecUnit's. SecUnit startled back for a second.
“You okay?” Gurathin managed, though everything was rather fuzzy for himself as well.
“Fine.” It started kissing him again. Fireworks went off somewhere, probably, at some point—it was a big galaxy after all.
Eventually they stepped out of the closet, Gurathin fixing his hair, SecUnit adjusting its jacket.
“Are you trying to attract me? Into a…ugh…relationship?” It gestured vaguely. “I’m getting all the—you know, the signs.”
Drones, that had been waiting dutifully outside the closet, immediately surrounded Gurathin like reporters at a press conference. He told them, “Wouldn’t that be a fun experiment.”
“ART does experiments, not me.”
Gurathin thought it best not to argue the point. He just shrugged, then went to open the door for SecUnit.
It waited until it was in the doorway before it said, “We’ll have to consult ART about proper methodology. I’m sure charts will be involved.” It rolled its eyes. “Controlled variables.”
Gurathin didn’t dare move, his hand gripping the doorknob. “Fine.”
“You can’t just say ‘fine,’” it snapped. It stepped out. “Get back to me with your parameters in forty-eight hours and I’ll send them to ART for analysis. Then we’ll confirm details.”
“We both reserve the right to some mystery,” he said, and waited, since surely that would make the SecUnit run.
Instead it said, “Well—I guess I do kind of like screwing with you.” It beamed at him over its shoulder, then sprinted away. It was probably telling ART all about it. Gurathin almost smiled, and sent a message to Ratthi.