Chapter Text
It didn't hurt.
That's what I tried to tell myself as the wind whipped around me, tugging at my clothes and hair painfully, while I fell through hundreds of feet of open sky. Watching Spider-Man, or rather Peter Parker, swing off to save MJ who'd been thrown off the opposite side of the roof didn't hurt.
It didn't matter that I was his best friend, that I had been there for him when no one else had, that we'd known each other since we were old enough to walk. MJ was more important and I . . . I was okay with that, or so I told myself.
I was there for Peter when the spider bit him. I stayed by his side for all the days he was sick, didn't even consider leaving once. May finally had to threaten me with getting banned from their home for me to go home long enough to take a nap.
I had been there for him when Ben had died, when he'd blamed himself for letting it happen. I'd been the one to hold him and assure him that it wasn't his fault, there was nothing he could have done to save him.
It was me who had been with him during some of his darkest hours. I was the one who pulled him through the moments of doubt and depression. It had always been me.
And yet, he still chose her every time.
MJ, who'd dated him only to get closer to Spider-Man so she could get the promotion at work she'd been waiting on.
MJ, who's rejected him so many times I've lost count.
MJ, who's been the reason he's shown up at my window unannounced with tears in his eyes.
MJ, who'd been the reason he didn't get any sleep the night before as he paced around my home, a frown etched onto his face as he vented about everything and begged me to help him make sense of it all.
Somehow, she always came first.
It didn't hurt.
I was beginning to doubt the lies I fed myself.
Spidey scooped MJ up into his arms and I waited for him to turn around, even just to cast a glance at me, but it never happened. He swung off toward another building where he set MJ down and then grabbed her hands, clearly asking if she was alright.
It didn't hurt.
It didn't hurt to know he'd chosen to save her over me, but him not even bothering to check on me, not even trying to save me. That cut deeper than I'd ever felt pain before, and it hurt.
I hadn't even realized I was crying until the wind around me had torn the droplets off my skin. Inhaling slowly, I closed my eyes to have a single second of peace and that's when I noticed I was numb.
I wondered if the feeling had always been there. If everything had just always been so inconsequential to me, life happened, and I went with it. Even as death approached rapidly, I didn't seem to care.
Regardless, I had a job to do.
The web shooters around my wrists burned as I shot a web at the building closest to me and swung up towards the roof I'd been thrown off of. The necklace I always wore hit my collarbone as I landed and my suit, stored within the charm, wrapped tightly around my body.
I hardly paid attention to the fight, quickly disarming and webbing the villain. Police arrived and took them into custody, thanking me for taking care of them. All I could do was nod back at them; grateful my mask hid my lifeless expression as I watched them drag Screwball away.
Glancing over to the roof where MJ and Peter stood, I could see MJ's shocked expression as she realized who I was and what had just happened. Even with the mask on, I knew what emotions would be displayed on Pete's face and I quickly shoved those thoughts away.
MJ waved at me, smiling weakly in relief, motioning for me to join them. My heart twisted at the thought, and I fought down a grimace. I couldn't go over there, not right now at least. MJ looked worried and I hated to make her worry more, but I couldn't talk to either of them right now. I needed to get away from them both before the numbness wore off and I broke down.
I turned around and swung away, not bothering to spare a glance behind me.