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There was something about Kestrelflight’s dreams that always brought a sense of peace to Jayfeather.
As soon as he stepped foot into the WindClan medicine cat’s dreamscape, no matter what the scene Kestrelflight’s mind had created was – light purple skies of white clouds, bottomless black oceans cut through with the path of the moon, endless fields of blue and green carnations – Jayfeather’s mind calmed, and a sense of ease washed over him as his eyes fell on the tom who joyously ran towards him, all warm green eyes and dappled fur and quiet affirmations of ‘I love you’.
Tonight, Kestrelflight’s dreamscape was drastically different.
Cold, howling winds surrounded Jayfeather, the whirl of noise surrounding him, enclosing him in cold. He turned away from the precipice, sharp rocks and rough waves standing clearly at the bottom.
“Kestrelflight.” Jayfeather sighed, pushing his growing irritation deep down into his gut. The spotted tom sat quietly, a few feet in front of him, back towards his lover. Tendrils of fear and anger spiraled off of him, like claws tightly wrapped around a wounded bird.
“Kestrelflight, this is stupid.” Jayfeather took a step forward, his tail lashing behind him. “There’s no need to be upset.”
“Oh, sure.” The tom snapped, whirling around. “There’s also no need for you to be able to see in dreams, but here we are.”
Jayfeather stood still, a slight twitch of his ear the only thing giving away the turmoil of frustration and worry inside of him. “You’re being unreasonable. There is most definitely a need for me to possess the ability to see in dreams.”
Kestrelflight glanced down at his paws, a sour wave of emotion emitting from the tom. “I don’t even know why you came here.” He looked up again, a pointed expression on his face. “Don’t you want to say goodbye to her?”
Jayfeather held Kestrelflight’s harsh, green gaze. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t play coy with me, Jayfeather. I may not be as connected to StarClan as you, but I’m not stupid.”
Was this really happening? Jayfeather was so tired. All he wanted was a nice relaxing evening with the cat he loved more than the stars themselves, not to be confronted about the fresh wounds dug into his heart.
“Calm down,” Jayfeather said, reaching a paw out to the tom. StarClan, why couldn’t anything just go smoothly for once. “You’re overreacting.”
“I know you talked to her!” He burst out, cringing away from Jayfeather’s touch, the wind surrounding the two medicine cats growing louder. “I know you loved her. Jayfeather, it felt like you were gone. It felt like you had been gone for an eternity.” A small sob escaped Kestrelflight’s mouth. “You’re – you’re practically a part of StarClan themself, if you really want to be her mate so badly why don’t you bring her back from the dead?” He looked up at Jayfeather, the anger gone from his gaze, his fear and pain laid bare in front of the ThunderClan cat. “Why do you keep coming back to me, if you’re just going to leave?”
Jayfeather felt like he had been hit by a monster. Was this what Kestrelflight had been feeling? Did he really believe that Jayfeather would leave him, for a she-cat, no less? Did he really not understand the sacrifices he had to make on a daily basis, how his own actions and words felt like gashes in his gut even the strongest herbs couldn’t heal?
“You think it’s easy, what I have to do? By StarClan, Kestrelflight, my whole life I have been told that if I don’t do what I’m asked, everyone I know and care about will die.” The words were tumbling out of his mouth like a landslide, each word finally being able to crash down the slope, to be more than just the thoughts that constantly circled in Jayfeather’s head. “I’m not a part of StarClan, or even remotely close. I’m just as much of a pawn for them as Barkface is, as Firestar is, as you are. I never wanted to meet Half Moon. I never wanted to travel back to that time, to step into a body too close to mine for comfort, to be reminded that I am nothing but a tool to bring the Clan’s destiny. But I did it anyway, because I had to for the fate of the Clans.”
Kestrelflight looked up at him with those sad green eyes, his mouth opening and closing, the claws of anger and hurt surrounding him fading into something sadder, softer. The spotted tom rested gently rested his head on Jayfeather’s shoulder, an action of forgiveness and comfort.
“Kestrelflight, I am not, and I was never in love with Half Moon,” Jayfeather said, gently licking the top of the tom’s head. “And you’re a mousebrain for even considering otherwise.”
Kestrelflight let out a snort, relaxing against the gray tabby. “No, you’re the mousebrain,” he mumbled, gently hitting Jayfeather’s leg with his own. “I had no idea you were going through all that.”
“Turns out being a part of a prophecy is more work than it looks.”
“Jayjay,” Kestrelflight said, lifting his head up from the tom’s shoulder, “What did you have to do?”
Jayfeather felt the tear down his heart rip a little deeper, the rift between the path set out for him and the life he so desperately wanted growing wider. “I can’t tell you,” he said, guilt overwhelming him as he gazed down at the dismayed expression on Kestrelflight’s face.
“...Alright.” The tom gently headbutted Jayfeather, before gently snuggling into the fur on his chest. “I trust you.”
They sat like that for some time, Kestrelflight curled up against Jayfeather, the wind slowly dying down around them. Jayfeather wrapped his tail around Kestrelflight, relaxing as the clouds above them parted, the warm sun shining down on the two toms.
“Before you saw me in my dreams,” Kestrelflight eventually said, his voice soft, “what did you think I looked like?”
“I didn’t care,” Jayfeather said, quickly adding on when he noticed the way Kestrelflight seemed to shrink, “Looks are such a frivolous thing, the core of one’s character is what matters, not the pattern of their pelt or the color of their fur.”
“When you visit me in dreams, your eyes are different,” Kestrelflight mumbled.
Jayfeather cocked his head. “What do you mean?”
“In the waking world, your eyes are gray, dulled, cloudy.” He shifted against Jayfeather, an air of embarrassment radiating off of him. “But in dreams, your eyes are the brightest blue I have ever known.”
Jayfeather fell silent, processing this information. His eyes looked different in his dreams, and Kestrelflight had the care to notice?
He nuzzled closer to Kestrelflight, cherishing the warmth radiating from the cat who effortlessly held his everything.