Work Text:
“There she is,” Arizona chuckled into her hug with Miranda, relaxing at the fact that everything felt the same within the walls of that attendings’ lounge. Outside of there, everything felt different; it didn’t feel like home the way that it used to. She knew Grey Sloan Memorial would never feel the same without Alex being there, but she wasn’t sure she expected the rest of it to feel so different. She was just glad Jo and Miranda were excited to have her back for the day and that she got to spend almost the entire day working with Amelia. They hadn’t spent time at work together like that since Nicole’s surgery, and she forgot how much she missed Amelia being in the OR with her. There was nobody on the planet who knew her as well as Amelia did, especially in the OR. Amelia was so in tune with her, even on a procedure that had never been done before, that she could practically finish Arizona’s sentences. They were both always two steps ahead and on the same page, and Arizona was grateful that hadn’t changed.
Outside of the OR, Amelia felt different. Arizona couldn’t pinpoint why, and it’d been driving her crazy all day. Amelia still had that same sparkle in her eyes whenever she was talking to Arizona; that hadn’t changed in 20 years, but something still felt different. Arizona noticed another woman’s eyes that lingered on them every time they tried to steal a few minutes to catch up; she didn’t know anything about the new surgeon that clearly had her eyes on Amelia. She hadn’t even had the chance to ask Amelia if they were a couple, or anything about her personal life for that matter. She knew from Facebook that Amelia had a baby a couple of years ago, but other than that, she didn’t have a clue about how things had changed in the last six years.
“You flying back tonight?” Miranda’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts as she finally let go of the hug.
“Yeah,” Arizona nodded. “Sofia’s got a soccer game tomorrow afternoon and I promised I’d be back in time for it. I’m taking a red eye.”
“Safe travels,” Miranda said, her tone turning serious. “And send me a message when you land in New York. You know I worry.”
“Oh, I know,” Arizona said sarcastically, but she was deflecting just a little bit. She was grateful Miranda still cared so much and wanted to check in after all these years.
After they’d said their goodbyes, she headed towards the lobby to leave, and she immediately spotted Amelia sitting on one of the waiting room chairs. For half a second, she debated on saying a quick goodbye and walking right out. It’d been years, and they hadn’t stayed in touch; they didn’t need to catch up, but for some reason Arizona felt a pull to go sit down next to Amelia anyway. She had time to kill anyway. It couldn’t hurt, right?
“What are you still doing here?” She asked with a teasing grin.
Amelia looked up from her phone at the sound of Arizona’s voice. Her eyes widened in surprise but they quickly softened into a smile. Arizona loved that Amelia’s smiles always reached her eyes, no matter how small they were. She suspected she had just picked up on it after years of wearing masks in the OR, but she was glad she still remembered and that Amelia was still very happy to see her.
“What are you still doing here?” she teased back. “I thought for sure you’d be halfway back to New York on the Robbins-Herman private jet by now,” she joked.
“God, I wish,” Arizona laughed back. She’d sat down leaving one chair in between them to put her small carry-on and purse in the middle, but she already wished she was sitting closer to Amelia. “I’m flying back tonight, but my flight isn’t until 11.”
“You need a ride?” Amelia asked. “Maybe my nephew will have finally brought me my keys by then.”
“I still can't believe Lucas is old enough to be an intern," she said seriously. "I feel so old." She’d met Amelia’s nieces and nephews a few times when Amelia would bring her home for holidays, but they had all been babies or small children back then. Lucas definitely didn’t remember her, and she was glad about it in a way. Nobody in Seattle really knew their history.
“Me too,” Amelia chuckled. “I’m serious, though. I’ll give you a ride.”
Arizona just stared at her for a long moment before answering, partially trying to decide if Amelia was serious and partially to give her room to back out. “If it’s not an inconvenience to you, and if you let me buy you dinner while we wait. I’m starving.”
“Deal.” Amelia reached for the handle of Arizona’s carry-on and Arizona cracked a smile, knowing better than to try and protest.
They ended up across the street at Joe's, and Arizona ordered a glass of wine for herself, a soda for Amelia, and a plate of fries for them to share before sliding into the booth across from Amelia. "He's bringing the fries out in a few minutes."
Amelia's eyes lit up at that as she reached for her soda. "You know me so well."
"Of course I do," Arizona shrugged. "We might've changed a lot, but you're still you," she teased. "I can't even tell you how glad I am that you were in the OR with me. I don't think I would've pulled it off without you."
Amelia scoffed at that and Arizona smiled at the fact that Amelia never learned how to take compliments from her. "I mean, the interns certainly weren't any help."
"They're babies," Arizona shrugged. "We were that dumb 20 years ago."
"You weren't dumb. You were insane," Amelia said, laughing when Arizona's eyes widened in amusement. "I was dumb, and Lucas is taking after me."
"He's not dumb, he's just-" Arizona tried to think of a better word, but literally nothing would spring to mind. Miranda and Jo had filled her in a little bit about why the interns weren't allowed in the OR, and it definitely seemed like Lucas had accidentally orchestrated the entire mess.
"You can say it. He's stupid."
Arizona just giggled at that and took a sip of her wine. "He'll learn. Hopefully."
Almost like clockwork, Lucas jogged into the bar, keys in his hand and he quickly spotted Arizona waving at him from the booth in the corner. "I'm sorry," he muttered as soon as he saw the disapproving look on Amelia’s face. Arizona had to hold in a giggle at the fact that Amelia was definitely just messing with him.
"I won't be home until later," Amelia said, completely ignoring his apology. "I'm driving Dr. Robbins to the airport, so if you beat me home, there's a key under the mat on the porch."
Lucas finally turned around, almost like he’d forgotten Arizona was even sitting there. "I didn't know you guys were friends."
"We're- yeah," Arizona exhaled a breath. Friends never felt like the right word; they were so much more than that between their history and how much they still cared about each other. It made her way too upset to think about how they hadn't managed to stay in touch and that things felt different between them now. "We were residents at Hopkins together, and then we worked here together for a few years.” She decided to keep it as short and as simple as possible, figuring there was no use in trying to explain the dynamic of their friendship that she didn’t even understand.
“Oh.”
She just smiled endearingly at him for a moment, waiting for Amelia to say something. It was almost like saying that was enough to make Amelia zone out thinking about their history, and selfishly, Arizona loved that Amelia could still get lost in thoughts about her.
“I have to go finish my ER rounds,” Lucas said, pulling Amelia out of her thoughts. “It was good to meet you, Dr. Robbins.”
Joe brought their fries over as soon as he left, and Amelia finally spoke up as she put some onto a plate. “I’m surprised you remember him,” she said softly.
“You loved talking about your nieces and nephews,” Arizona shrugged. “Of course I didn’t forget. I loved listening to you talk about stuff like that.”
Amelia just smiled shyly at that as she took a bite, and Arizona could just tell she was looking for a reason to change the subject. “I didn’t expect Lucas to match to Grey Sloan,” she admitted. “It’s like I’m raising two children now, except one of them is a 27 year old man.”
“Speaking of that,” Arizona said, her entire face practically lighting up at Amelia finally mentioning her child. “I need to hear about your kid. I feel like we know nothing about each other anymore.”
“You would love him,” Amelia said seriously. She pulled out her phone to show Arizona pictures as they ate and they took turns telling each other all about the last six years. Arizona was so proud to hear that she’d come out a few years prior, and she was selfishly relieved to hear that Amelia was single. She hated that she felt like that a little bit; it felt stupid considering it wasn’t fair to expect Amelia to feel anything for her. She even felt so bad about it that she tried to ignore the way that Amelia’s expression just changed slightly—in a good way—when she mentioned that she wasn’t with Callie anymore, or anyone for that matter. It wasn't surprise, more like relief almost? Arizona didn’t question it; however Amelia was feeling about it was probably the same way she felt about it, so it didn’t really matter.
After a long while of catching each other up, Amelia slid out of her side of the booth, grabbing her wallet out of her purse. “I want to go order us some pizza. Do you still like just cheese and peppers?”
“Um, I thought I was buying you dinner,” Arizona teased, knowing there was no point in handing Amelia her card; she wouldn’t use it anyway. Amelia just rolled her eyes in response and Arizona grinned. “I know I won’t win this, so I suppose I’ll settle for saying thank you.”
“Hmm, that’s what I thought,” Amelia replied. “You want another glass?” she asked, gesturing towards Arizona’s mostly empty glass of white wine.
“No, I’m good,” Arizona shrugged. “Maybe just a water.”
“You got it.”
She zoned out for a minute, watching Amelia walk across the bar to go order their food and relaxing at how nice all of this felt. She’d anticipated arriving to the airport hours early and distracting herself in the lounge with work, movies, or anything else to keep her mind occupied. The last thing she expected was to have the chance to catch up with Amelia and getting to hear about all the incredible things she’d accomplished in the last six years, personally and professionally. She couldn’t shake just a hint of remorse; it was like she’d let something go in Seattle that she hadn’t even had in the first place, and she couldn’t help but wonder if things would’ve been different for them if they were both still living in the same city. Of course she wouldn’t trade her experience as a fetal surgeon and the chance to make Sofia happy for anything—and she was sure Amelia felt the same way about Scout—but she wished they’d had the chance to be happy together.
Within what felt like a millisecond, all of her somberness was replaced by white hot jealousy when the woman from earlier walked into the bar by herself. Arizona watched her lock eyes with Amelia, and both of them shared a gentle smile before she walked over to stand by Amelia. Arizona was glad she was too far away to hear what they were saying, but she still felt that familiar lump in the back of her throat like she wanted to cry.
It was stupid. She shouldn’t have been upset that somebody else was talking to Amelia, but she also couldn’t get the idea out of her head that somebody was talking to her Amelia, even if that couldn’t be further from the truth. Amelia hadn’t been her Amelia in at least 20 years, and it felt even worse knowing that she felt like that even if they’d both been in countless other relationships since then.
She distracted herself on her phone for a little while, occasionally looking up to see if it looked like they were going to wrap up their conversation anytime soon.
And if the woman had moved any closer to Amelia.
Or if Amelia seemed any more flirtatious with that woman than she did with her.
Amelia had already ordered about five minutes ago at that point, and the pizza was going to take a while to come out anyway. She just wished Amelia would come back to the table so that Amelia could go back to looking at her like that instead.
Amelia eventually returned, and Arizona wasn’t even surprised when she saw two shadows hovering over the table instead of one. “Arizona, this is Dr. Monica Beltran,” Amelia said. She had just a hint of concern in her eyes, and Arizona hated that she wore her emotions on her face enough for Amelia to notice. “She’s the Chief of Peds.”
Arizona faked a smile—a good one, she thought—and shook the other woman’s hand. “I’m Dr. Robbins, actually former Chief of Peds,” she grinned. “And former Chief of Fetal Surgery, too.”
“Oh, I know,” Monica replied. “Amelia told me all about you. Your work is incredible, by the way.”
“Thank you.” Arizona flashed her another fake smile, avoiding eye contact with Amelia at all costs. She just knew it would make it that much harder to get through the conversation, and she hoped it would end soon enough.
“I’ll let you guys get back to it,” Monica replied. “I just came by to say hi to Amelia. I didn’t realize she had plans.” She couldn’t tell the tone in Monica’s voice either. Was she just being friendly? Was it jealousy? She wasn’t sure, but she was just glad Monica took the hint and didn’t invite herself to sit with them. “It was really good to meet you, Dr. Robbins.”
“You, too.”
Her eyes followed Monica as she walked back over to the bar and took a seat on one of the barstools at the end, and she could practically feel Amelia’s eyes on her as she stared at Monica. “What’s wrong?” Amelia asked knowingly, finally pulling Arizona’s gaze back to her.
“What?” Arizona asked in defense, taking a sip of the glass of water Amelia had brought back to the table for her. “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not,” Amelia said seriously. “Do you know her? Do you not like her?”
“No,” Arizona replied. “I’ve never even heard of her. Isn’t it weird that she’s working at one of the top hospitals in the country and I haven’t even heard her name before?” she wondered. There was just a little hint of malice in her voice, and if it was intentional, she didn’t mean for Amelia to pick up on it as quickly as she did.
“Are you… jealous?” she asked after a moment. “Of a peds surgeon?”
“Hmm?” Arizona decided to play innocent, hoping it would save her from a little bit of embarrassment. She knew Amelia knew her too well for that, but she didn’t expect the softness that sprang to Amelia’s expression instead of the teasing eyes she knew so well. “No. I just thought I’d know of her,” she shrugged.
Amelia nodded, and Arizona watched her glance over at Monica again. “She’s- she’s awesome. I worked with her on a case last week and she’s an incredible doctor. She challenges me to think outside the box and she’s just- she’s awesome to work with.” There seemed to be just a little bit of apprehension in her voice, like there was something else she wasn’t telling Arizona.
“Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ in there?”
“There’s… not?” Amelia said, and Arizona could tell she was trying to find the right words. “She’s just kind of abrasive.” She lowered her voice at that, both of them mindful that Monica was still sitting across the room. “It’s like- I can’t tell if she likes me.”
“Amelia,” Arizona said, a hint of a smile on her face at how oblivious Amelia could be when it came to stuff like this. “She showed up here to see you. You know that, right?” Amelia’s eyes widened in realization at that, and then she shook her head in disbelief. “Why else would she be here alone?” Amelia just stirred the ice in her soda around with her straw for a minute, and Arizona felt bad for bringing it up and embarrassing her. “I’m sorry if I made you feel weird,” she said gently. “She definitely likes you. It’s a good thing.”
“You didn’t make me feel weird,” Amelia said honestly. “I just hate that I made you feel like this.”
“Like what?”
“Jealous.” Arizona’s eyes met Amelia’s, and as much as she wanted to try to play it off again, Amelia was looking at her with so much patience and dignity that it almost didn’t make her feel stupid for feeling this way. “You think I didn’t feel like that when you were with Callie?”
“That was like 15 years ago,” Arizona said, rolling her eyes.
“And Eliza, and Carina,” Amelia admitted. “And if you dated anybody in New York, I’m probably jealous of them too,” she chuckled. “You don’t need to feel bad. I get it."
Arizona couldn't help the grin that sprung to her face at that, but she rolled her eyes after a moment, still feeling a little bit embarrassed that she was so noticeably jealous that Amelia was able to pick up on it so quickly. “It’s…stupid. I feel dumb,” she said matter-of-factly. “Especially because I’m so happy things are going so well for you.”
“Do not feel dumb,” Amelia said seriously. “We’re allowed to be happy for each other and still wonder what might’ve happened if everything in Baltimore had gone differently.”
As much as Arizona felt convinced by what Amelia was saying, it still didn’t make her feel any better. She’d regretted not staying in touch with Amelia ever since she moved to New York, but tonight was a perfect reminder of why. She’d managed to fill their few years in Seattle together with everything she could to distract her from Amelia: Callie, a fetal surgery fellowship, Eliza, and Carina. It worked for the most part. She’d get the occasional twinge of sadness seeing Amelia with Owen, but it was easier somehow back then. It just felt so much different now; being in Seattle with Amelia—everything being easier with Amelia—just reminded her of everything she lost and the fact that there was a universe where everything could’ve felt this easy all the time.
“Hey,” Amelia said softly. “I wouldn’t have been your friend eight years ago, and I wouldn’t have gone out with you tonight if I didn’t think that was true.” Arizona’s eyes finally met hers, both of theirs glassy from just a hint of tears that had sprung to them. “I am so lucky to know you in any capacity.”
Arizona nodded, reaching for another sip of her water and willing the tears in her eyes to go away right as the waiter brought out their pizza. “Me, too.”
She felt lighter after that conversation and the reassurance from Amelia that she didn’t need to feel any guilt over how she felt. She still felt a little bit sad, but it dissipated as soon as as Amelia started asking questions about the women’s health center. She talked Amelia’s ear off about work while they ate and caught her up on every single funny story involving Nicole that she could think of. Aside from Sofia, Nicole was the very best part about living in New York and Arizona was extremely grateful for their friendship.
By the time they were finished eating, it was just about the time for them to start heading over to the airport, and Arizona felt that same familiar dread wash over her at having to say goodbye to Amelia again. They took a slow, lazy walk back to the hospital parking garage, and Arizona was just about to open the trunk of Amelia’s car when the brunette’s hand landed on her wrist. “Are you-”
“You said you’re not not seeing anyone?” She asked, cutting Arizona off and inhaling a sharp breath.
“No.”
“Not even talking to anyone?" she asked.
"No,” Arizona replied, confusion taking over her as she practically watched the nervousness show up on Amelia’s face. “Amelia, what…?”
“Can I kiss you?” she asked hesitantly, eyes growing wide with panic while Arizona stood there speechless for a second. “I know our lives took us different places and everything, but that doesn’t mean I can’t kiss you tonight, right?”
Arizona wanted to say no so badly. She knew this would just make it hurt even more in an hour when she’d have to get out of Amelia’s car and say goodbye to her again. For the third time. But before she even knew it, she was reaching for Amelia’s hand and pulling the shorter woman closer to her. “C’mere,” she grinned, reaching a hand up to brush her thumb over Amelia’s cheek. It stayed there, gently cupping her face when their lips finally met, and it took everything in Arizona’s power to not tear up at the fact that she was kissing Amelia again after all these years
It was short, but somehow still intoxicating, and by the time Amelia pulled away, they both felt a little hazy. Arizona tried to keep that feeling for as long as possible after they put her luggage into the trunk and she climbed into the passenger seat, but the feeling that this was it between them started taking over as soon as Amelia turned onto the freeway. She could tell that Amelia felt it too between her silence and the volume of the radio being so low.
It was a different type of sad this time around. She wasn’t ignoring it; she wasn’t filling her life with as much was she could to distract herself from Amelia. She was just sitting in the sadness and she knew that Amelia was too. Maybe this was better, she decided. She could go back home to New York, keep in touch occasionally, and know that they were done. They weren’t waiting for each other anymore or waiting for the right time. There was no right time, and they could just accept that this lifetime didn’t work out for them. Maybe the next one would.
All she knew was that until she got back into her routine in New York—the mundanity of research, happy hour with Nicole, and Sofia’s soccer games—the next few days were going to hurt like hell.