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A warrior knows fear intimately, it is what ignites their instinct to continue fighting when all hope is lost. Fear is not supposed to paralyze a warrior, yet as Thrawn strides down the sterile corridors of the EDF medical facility, Thrawn can feel his fingers and toes going numb. Six months ago, Eli’s position was overrun and his ship was lost. Most of the crew, including himself, was captured but what had sparked a rescue mission had been the capture of the Navigator. According to reports, she had been given instruction to abandon ship with her caretaker but had jumped out the hatch at the last possible second, leaving the caregiver to eject alone and the young girl to be captured.
It was six months of agony. Thrawn was less merciful towards his enemies than usual, but he could do nothing. Then, three months ago they were found and rescued by the Steadfast and her crew as Supreme Admiral, Ar’alani has more flexibility and was able to launch a campaign to rescue them. Since then, Thrawn has not received further updates.
Eli has a saying that no news is good news. In this case, Thrawn disagrees. There has been no update towards Eli’s condition, no news from the man himself, nor a general status of his crew. The Steadfast has been docked at Naporar as well, which again does not bode well for his condition.
“Thrawn,” Ar’alani intercepts him en route to Eli’s room and he nearly shoves her away to continue his warpath. “Eli was tortured by the Grysks.”
His ears start to ring. “You are telling me this now?”
“When else would be the best to tell you?” she bites. “You had your duty to the Ascendency. Eli could have recovered. He has not.”
The medical corridor is empty, yet Thrawn feels like he can hear the lights above them humming, the nurses talking quietly four rooms down. His uniform collar is too tight, he would fix it, but his fingers are numb. “Let me see him.”
Ar’alani steps in his path again. “Eli has amnesia. You must accept him for how he is, not what he was.”
This time, Thrawn does push her aside and stride into the room.
Eli is sitting up in bed, staring out the window. His frame is thin even after months in recovery, which means it has been a long and arduous fight for his health. His hair is just as messy as usual, though longer than Thrawn remembers.
He glances in Thrawn’s direction and it is his eyes that nearly folds Thrawn. Where there is usually a flicker of recognition and affection, there is nothing.
“Hi,” Eli says in Basic.
“Good afternoon,” Thrawn replies in the same tongue.
Eli’s eyebrows shoot up. “You know my language?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
Thrawn wants to hunt down every Grysk and murder them slowly, painfully, and agonizingly just so they know a fragment of his pain. “I spent many years studying.”
“Well, they should have sent you in earlier, spared a bunch of people a whole lot of grief.”
“Do you not know Cheunh?”
“No. Starting to pick up on a few things like stay still ,” he says the command in perfect Cheunh. “Or, what is your name?”
“Do you remember your name?”
Eli huffs and it is such a familiar motion. Despite the amnesia, his fuse is as short as ever. “Of course I do.”
“Do you remember my name?”
“Are you also suffering from amnesia?”
“Not currently.”
“Then you’ll have no problem introducing yourself.”
Thrawn smirks and comes further into the room. “My name is Mitth'raw'nuruodo.”
Eli nods. “And I suppose we know each other.”
“Perhaps.”
“Well you’re clearly not a medical officer.”
“What makes you think that?”
Eli gestures to his service uniform. “You don’t have on a coat, and if you were a basic-speaking medical assistant you would have been here day one.”
“Very astute.”
“Thanks. So what do you do?”
“I command a warship.”
“And you’re here?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Because I love you. Thrawn looks out the window. “We are friends.”
“Oh.” Silence stretches for a moment. “I’m sorry—I—”
“It is not your fault.”
“Do you want to sit? Stay a while?” Eli gestures to the chair. “Honestly, it’s been kind of quiet around here. There is a young girl—Un’hee who speaks Basic, but…”
“A child is a different form of company than that of your peers.”
“Yeah.”
Thrawn sits in the chair beside his bed. “Your recovery has been well?”
Eli shrugs and it lances through Thrawn again. He wants to reach out and touch him. “Well as it can be I suppose. I… I don’t remember anything.”
“I see.”
“How do we know each other?”
“We served together.”
“Not on your ship.”
“Once, yes. But no, we no longer serve aboard the same vessel.”
Eli’s lips flatten. “Is that how we became friends?”
“Yes.”
Eli hums and lays back in bed. “I’m sorry, I’m getting tired.”
“Sleep. I will stay.”
When Eli drifts asleep, Thrawn goes out into the hall, where Ar’alani waits with Vah’nya. “I’m so sorry,” she says, tears welling in her wide eyes. She was one of the captured as well, but has not suffered the same consequences as Eli. “I have tried to help him. Sacher says that we can reconnect minds, but I— I failed you.”
“It is not me, you have failed,” Thrawn grinds out.
“Thrawn!” Ar’alani chastises.
Vah’nya shoves between the two of them and hustles down the hallway, wiping at her eyes.
“You are out of line,” Ar’alani growls.
“You should have sent for me,” Thrawn counters. “He has no memory of Cheunh, of his time here. He—” He has been alone, exiled into the fragments of his own mind.
“He is alive,” Ar’alani snaps. “You must temper your unrealistic expectations of him.”
Thrawn crosses his arms across his chest. “Permission to take leave.”
“Granted,” she sighs. “Submit your time off requests sooner than later.”
~
The next day, Thrawn returns in civilian clothes. He spent the night in their shared apartment, looking at remnants of Eli and trying to reconcile the man he knew and the man who is.
“Good morning,” Thrawn says and sets a cup of caf, brewed at home, on the side table for Eli. “How do you feel today?”
“Ready to get out of this damn bed,” Eli sighs. “Do you know of any parks or anything around?”
“There is a nature reserve outside of the city.”
“We should go.”
“You are still on mandatory bed rest.”
“They’re just doing that because they think I’m a threat to society.”
“Are you?”
Eli smirks. “What’s the worst that can happen? I’m sure you’ll prevent me from doing anything too egregious.”
On a good day, Thrawn could never deprive Eli. When he is bedridden and itching for freedom, even less so. Thrawn scrounges up a blank uniform for Eli and hands it to him while Eli pulls out his IV and heart monitors.
“We have about five minutes,” Eli says. “Once the monitors start going off they come in and check.”
“Have you tried to escape before?” Thrawn asks, handing him piece after piece so that he knows how to assemble the uniform. His hands don’t falter at the sealing strips, which are different than that of the Empire.
“I wouldn’t call it an escape ,” he says, “it’s just embarrassing having to call someone every time you have to take a leak.”
“Understandable.”
Eli shoves his socked feet into the boots and then looks up at Thrawn. “How do you know my size?”
“We do not have time to delay.”
“Right.” Eli laces his boots up quickly and gestures for Thrawn to lead the way.
They move swiftly down the corridor, confidently bypassing the receptionist, and into the fresh air of day. Eli heaves a breath. “It’s colder than I was expecting.”
“Do you need a coat?” Thrawn asks, preparing to remove his own.
“No, it feels good. Alright, lead the way.”
Thrawn leads him over to their speeder—a deep green thing that Eli was quite proud of procuring when he first arrived. Thrawn, ever the critic, had immediately pointed out that the gear shift sticks in second gear and Eli had waved his hand, saying that it only added to its character.
Thrawn takes the driver’s seat and Eli slides into the passenger’s seat. “This is nice.”
“Yes,” Thrawn says, suppressing a smirk. “Though the gear shift sticks.”
Eli waves a hand. “It just makes it unique. Adds to its character.”
Thrawn looks over at him, where he is currently running his hand along the wood panel dash.
“What?” Eli asks, after noticing that Thrawn is staring.
“Nothing.” Thrawn puts the speeder in drive and takes them out of town. The nature reserve had been one of Eli’s favorites before he lost his memory. The hike is moderate, one that can easily be completed in a few hours, with a beautiful viewpoint. Various birds nest in the trees, which Thrawn had always enjoyed noting and watching, where Eli was more keen to appreciate the fresh air and open expanse of land.
“If you grow too tired,” Thrawn says when they begin their hike, “please inform me.”
Eli hums his acknowledgement and stops at the mouth of the trail. Deep blue-green trees droop over the path, creating a sort of arch. It is a mathematical fascination, he had said previously.
“What is it?” Thrawn asks.
“Nothing,” Eli says slowly. “Just cool that the strongest architectural structures can be seen in nature.”
“Indeed.”
“Thrawn.”
“Yes?”
“This place feels familiar. Have I been before?”
“Yes.”
Eli hums. “Maybe it’s coming back.”
“Perhaps.”
~
At the top of the trail, the trees part into a wide clearing overlooking the reserve. A crystalline blue lake glitters with the early autumn frost and dead leaves carpet the mossy earth. It is one of Thrawn’s favorite spots, if not for the beauty than for the memory of Eli’s proposal and Thrawn’s subsequent vow to honor him until death parts them.
Eli plops on the weathered stone and struggles to catch his breath. “I don’t remember much,” he wheezes. “But I remember physical activity being a lot easier than this.”
“Give yourself time,” Thrawn says, easing down beside him. “You have spent three months in bed.”
“And a good while being tortured before that, I guess.”
“You do not remember your time with the Grysks?”
Eli shrugs. The mid morning light illuminates the various shades of brown and caramel in his hair. “For better or worse, no.”
“That is good.”
Eli turns to face him. “Even if I can’t remember you?”
“Yes.”
Eli hums and looks back out over the horizon. “How long have we been friends?”
“Around two decades.”
Eli whistles. “I feel like that deserves some sort of celebration.”
“I did break you out of the hospital.”
He laughs and then shivers against the cool breeze. “Alright, what’s today’s date?”
Thrawn tells him as he shuffles out of his coat.
“Then this can be… I don’t know, what do people celebrate?”
“Variations of being alive, usually.” Thrawn drapes his jacket over Eli and he pulls it closer.
“Thanks,” Eli says, “Yeah, how about we celebrate making it another day?”
“Very well.”
Eli gives him a smile and Thrawn turns to look over the horizon to avoid leaning in to kiss him.
~
“What do you mean, you took him out ?” Doctor Lakyla growls.
“He asked to exercise and we went for a walk.”
Ar’alani pinches the bridge of her nose. “You cannot kidnap an amnesia patient. He could have had a mental break.”
“He survived three months of isolation due to the lack of consideration for his language barrier. Hiking has always brought him solace, it was statistically unlikely—”
“Now you sound like Ivant.”
Thrawn glowers, but stops his protest.
“Doctor Lakyla,” Ar’alani begins, “Does the patient have any true medical need to continue monitoring?”
“Medically, he is healthy, but there is still the uncertainty as to what caused his amnesia or if his memory will return. It would be best for him to remain in a controlled environment.”
“What if he went home?” Ar’alani asks.
“Excuse me?” Lakyla snaps.
“Thrawn and Ivant have always had a very… mundane homelife. I don’t see why he cannot return with Thrawn to their apartment.”
“Seeing pieces of his life could be triggering—”
“Perhaps that is exactly what he needs,” Ar’alani says. “Let us not forget Ivant is vital to the EDF fleet. This is a risk we must take.”
Lakyla glances between the two of them. “Clearly I am being overruled. Do what you want, but if he has an aneurysm, it is his blood on your hands.”
“Duly noted,” Ar’alani sneers. Thrawn does not miss the glimmer in her eye as she nods for him to go break the news to Eli.
~
“So, we live together?” Eli asks on the ride back to their apartment. It took three days to receive all the proper medical clearances to release Eli into his care, but now that they are en route, Thrawn is filled with a nauseating combination of anticipation and concern. The apartment has felt cold and empty without the presence of his partner, yet the looming probability of a massive mental break has him frequently looking Eli over for any physical symptoms.
“Yes,” Thrawn answers and turns into the parking garage.
“For how long?”
“Whenever we are together.”
“So about two decades.”
“Perhaps.”
Eli hums, taps his index finger against his knee. This is something Eli has always done when bested by a particularly complicated data matrix. Pattern recognition is his specialty, when he struggles to find the connection or the missing piece, he defaults into tapping and thinking.
“We live on the fifth floor,” Thrawn says. “Usually the elevator is broken, but maintenance fixed it two days ago.”
“Well that’s convenient.”
Eli doesn’t have a duffle. He wears the uniform that Thrawn had stolen for him when they went on their little adventure and follows Thrawn’s lead into the complex. Thrawn opens the door to their apartment and holds the it for Eli to enter first.
It’s a two bedroom apartment—though only one is an actual bedroom. Prior to Eli’s arrival, Thrawn bought a second bed and shuffled stuff from their office to his bedroom so that Eli does not feel pressured to share a bed with him.
Eli notes the pair of uniform boots at the door and bends down to unlace his and set them beside Thrawn’s. “This place is really nice.”
“Thank you.”
“Do you do most of the decorating?” Eli asks upon straightening and seeing a mural on the exposed brick wall.
“Yes.”
“I don’t have much of an eye for art.”
“No, but you never complained about my selections.”
Eli smirks, but it slowly drops as he takes in more of the apartment—the deep green towels hanging over the handle of the oven, the two questises plugged in on either side of the brown leather couch. “It must be weird.”
“How so?”
“To see me, but… for me to not remember any of this.”
“Perhaps. However, your good health is more important.”
Eli nods. “So… what do we do?”
“What would you like to do?”
They end up getting food. Thrawn orders from their favorite restaurant and has it delivered—the usually chatty hostess would probably cause the mental break everyone is so scared of. Eli has always cared about the people around him, he stops to help old women cross the street and befriends nearly every service worker they come across—it would break him to realize his life is so much more expansive than the military and that he remembers none of it.
“This is really good,” Eli says, slurping up some of the noodles.
“It is local to our home; we frequent it often.”
“And you know my order?”
Thrawn glances at their different bowls. He hadn’t given it much thought, they almost always order the same thing when getting take-out. “Yes.”
Eli sits back and wipes his mouth on a napkin, taps his finger on the table. He is trying to parse out why Thrawn knows so much about him. “You are finished?” Thrawn asks, motioning to his mostly empty plate.
“Yeah, thanks.”
Thrawn rises and takes the containers to the trash. Eli remains seated at the small dining room table, watching as Thrawn moves easily through their shared space.
“Would you mind giving me a tour of the place?” Eli asks, finger stilling from where it had been tapping previously.
“Of course, my apologies for not offering one.”
Eli follows Thrawn through the doorway to the master bedroom and attached bath. “This my room,” Thrawn says. The left side of the room has a large picture window overlooking the city. Underneath is a credenza with trinkets and music albums resting atop—most of which belong to Eli. The desk, which Thrawn moved from their office, looks awkward here. The bed on the opposite wall is spacious, with a nightstand on each side. Thrawn shows him the bathroom, where all evidence of Eli has been erased. One of the dual sinks is empty, where Thrawn’s side is slightly cluttered from his rushed exit to go retrieve Eli.
“Did you have a partner?”
“What makes you think I do not have one currently?” Thrawn asks.
Eli shrugs. “Your room is clearly set up for two people.”
“Allow me to show you your space.”
Thrawn walks him back across the living room where their office—now Eli’s bedroom—and the guest bathroom reside.
“I see I drew the short straw,” Eli says and looks around the austere provisions of a haphazardly arranged sleeping space. The bed is half the size of what is in their bedroom, and the nightstand is cheap assemble-yourself furniture. The desk looks more natural here, but the divots from the previous desk are still in the carpet—no amount of vacuuming fixed the problem, Thrawn had tried. “I really don’t decorate, do I?” Eli asks, eyes lingering on the empty walls.
It had been their honor walls. All of their pictures, and news articles are now stored in a box under Thrawn’s bed. “Your passions are elsewhere.”
“Like what?” Eli asks turning to face him. “I’ve been told that I’m some mathematical savant, but what do I do?”
“I have known you for many years,” Thrawn begins slowly. “And that is why you have my utmost confidence in your ability to deduce such things on your own.”
Eli sighs dramatically, fingers twitching at his side. “Can you at least throw me a bone?”
“Most recently you wrote a strongly worded letter to a local university that his mathematical considerations for space flight were wholly incorrect. You provided your own proof of such.”
He grimaces. “I’m a nerd?”
“Unfortunately, we both fall into that classification if consulting the opinions of our peers.”
For the first time since Thrawn has seen Eli, post injury, he laughs. It feels like a warm cup of tea on a cold morning and Thrawn settles completely. “Well at least I have you.”
“Indeed, you do.”
~
It is sometime later that night after Thrawn and Eli had parted for their respective night time routines, that Eli shouts his name.
“What is wrong?” Thrawn asks. He stands at the opening of Eli’s room, poised to launch upon him in case of a medical episode.
Eli is standing in the center of the room, staring at him with wide eyes. “You bastard .”
Thrawn blinks.
“Y’know if the roles were reversed, I would have given you the nicer bed.”
“Do you want my room?”
Eli closes the distance between them and runs a hand up Thrawn’s cheek. “I want us to go to bed together .”
“Eli,” Thrawn takes Eli’s hand and returns it to his chest. “You don’t have to.”
“I remember,” Eli murmurs, pulling Thrawn’s hand up to his lips. “I’ve been putting together the pieces and then I found the journal.”
“I put it in the box.”
“Yeah, the box I found when you were getting ready for bed.”
“You went through my room?”
“Our room.” Eli kisses the tips of each of his fingers. “And I am never going to forget that you gave me a shitty bed in the office.”
“I did not want you to be uncomfortable.”
They have gravitated closer together, noses brushing and when Eli speaks, Thrawn can taste each syllable. “I could use a little comfort now, if that’s alright with you.”
“Indeed,” Thrawn says.