Chapter Text
"Good afternoon, I'm Katie Killjoy." A newscaster smiled into the camera, twitching slightly as her head contorted to the side.
"And I'm Tom Trench!" Her co-host introduced himself. "Chaos out at Pentagram City today as a turf war is raging on the west side!" An image of a black anthropomorphic snake is flashed onto the screen, along with an additional image of a pink, one-eyed woman flipping the bird.
Tom continued the broadcast. "Between notable kingpin, Sir Pentious, and self-proclaimed spunky powerhouse, Cherri Bomb!"
"That's right, Tom! After the recent Extermination, many areas are now up for grabs! Demons all over Hell are already duking it out to gain new territory!" A live clip of Cherri and Sir Pentious's fight shows on screen as Tom and Katie talk over it.
"Those two seem to be really going at it, huh?"
"Looks like they're fighting tooth and nail," Katie reported, pulling out a tooth and a nail respectively from her mug of coffee, "for that hot spot!" She then swallowed said tooth and nail.
Tom looked over at the live broadcast, focusing on Cherri. "And I'd sure like to nail her hot spot! Hoohoo!"
Katie laughed. "Haha, you are a limp-dick jackass, Tom! Or should I say..." She trailed off as she poured scalding hot coffee onto his crotch. "...no dick?"
Tom cringed and curled over in pain. "Ugh...not again!" He whimpered in pain in the background as Katie continued the broadcast, no longer acknowledging the other reporter.
The screen showed a picture of a tall blonde woman, smiling at the screen. Her red eyes sparkled with enthusiasm.
"Coming up next, we have an exclusive interview with Charlotte Morningstar, the daughter of Hell's own head honcho, who's here to discuss her brand new passion project! All that and more, after the break!" Katie crushed her mug in her hand before turning to Tom, who was still very obviously in pain. "Suck it up, you little-"
The newscast cut off and went on a commercial break.
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"Okay, you remember what to say?" A slim gray woman, most likely in her 20s, was fixing the bow-tie of another woman, the one pictured on the broadcast, who was clearly trying to contain her excitement.
The second woman inhaled. "Yes! Let's do this!"
The first woman narrowed her eyes and put her hands on the other's shoulders. "Just look at me, and I'll mouth it to you."
"Come on, Vaggie! I know what to say! I just feel like we need to...I don't know, make things sound more exciting!" The blonde suddenly gasped. "Oooh! What if I-"
Vaggie cut her off. "Sing a song about it?"
"You knew I was gonna say that!" The blonde booped Vaggie on the nose, causing the latter to smile slightly before regaining her serious demeanor.
"Because I know you, Charlie. Just, please, don't sing...this is serious!" She shook Charlie slightly.
Charlie huffed. "Well, you know, I'm better at expressing myself and my goals through song!" She climbed up onto a nearby table, standing up proudly as her two bodyguard demons, Razzle and Dazzle, watched in curiosity from the sidelines.
"But life isn't a musical hon," Vaggie said, putting her hands on her hips.
"Fine...but I have these other ideas of what to say!" Charlie bounced a bit in place before shoving a piece of paper into her partner's hands. "The highlighted bits are the best part!"
"Ugh, it's all highlighted. Is this a drawing..?"
"Yes! That's the happy ending, see? Everyone smiling and happy in Heaven!"
Vaggie pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. "I don't think it's that simple. Look, please just...follow the talking points we went over. And do not sing!" She grabbed Charlie's face, looking her in the eyes.
"Okay, fine..." Charlie grinned and kissed Vaggie quickly on the nose. "I'll just have to resort to my impeccable improv skills." She saluted Vaggie before hurrying to the other room.
Charlie approached Katie Killjoy, trying not to show her nervousness. She held out her hand to the other woman. "Hi! I'm Charlie."
Katie blew out the smoke of her cigarette. "Katie Killjoy. I'd say it's a pleasure to meet you, but that would be a lie." She threw away her cigarette and pushed away Charlie's hand hesitantly, as if touching it would set her on fire. "And you can put that away. I don't touch the gays, I have standards.
Charlie's eyes narrowed. "Yeah? How's uh...how's that working out for ya?"
"Look, my time is money, so I'll keep this short. You're not here because we wanted you here. You're here because Jeffrey couldn't make it for his cannibal cooking segment." Katie spoke coldy. She fluffed up her hair before pointing a finger into Charlie's face. "You might be some royal big shot, but that doesn't mean shit to me. I'm too rich and too influential to give a flying fuck about what some fancy demon 'princess' wants to advertise."
Charlie attempted to interject, but Katie wasn't keen on stopping her tangent. She poked Charlie's chest a couple times, leaning closer to her. "So, don't get cute with me, honey, or I will fucking bury you!"
A voice from behind the camera suddenly announced, "And we're live!"
Katie quickly rushed back to her desk, holding up papers. She cracked her neck and she stared down the camera lens. "Welcome back! So, Charlotte!"
"It's...Charlie." Charlie smiled nervously as a spotlight suddenly flashed her way.
"Whatever. Tell us about this new passion project you've been insistently pestering our news station about!" Katie gripped her pen tightly, clenching it hard in an attempt to hold in an outburst.
Charlie looked to Vaggie, who motioned her to keep going. She cleared her throat and began to speak. "Well, as most of you know, I was born here in Hell, and growing up, I always tried to see the good in everyone around me. Hell is my home and you are my people. We...we just went through another Extermination."
Vaggie gave Charlie two thumbs up, though Katie was clearly starting to lose any interest she may have had. Still, Charlie continued. "We have lost so many souls, and it breaks my heart to see my people being slaughtered every year." She slammed her fist on the table, waking Katie up. "No one is even given a chance! I can't stand idly by while the place I live is subjected to such violence! So, I've been thinking: Isn't there a more humane way to hinder overpopulation here in Hell? Perhaps we can create an alternative way to change souls through...redemption? Well, I think yes! So, that's what this project aims to achieve! Ladies and gentlemen, I'm opening the first of its kind! A hotel that rehabilitates sinners!"
The room went quiet. Katie looked amused, and some of the news staff were heard snickering from behind the cameras. One cameraman muttered something under his breath, prompting Vaggie to punch him.
Charlie looked around the room sadly. "Look, every single one of you has something good, deep down inside. I know you do! Maybe...I'm not getting through to you..." Razzle and Dazzle suddenly appeared, clearly prepared to sing back-up for Charlie.
Vaggie facepalmed and groaned as Charlie burst into song.
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After Charlie had finally finished her song, she fell back down into her chair in the newsroom, clearly exhausted. Everyone in the news station looked around at each other, clearly in disbelief. Then, a demon suddenly spoke up. "Wow...that was shit!"
The news room suddenly broke into heavy laughter, and Charlie, looking devastated, slumped back, eyes focused down.
Katie's face broke out into a grin as she turned to Charlie, trying not to burst into laughter again. "What in the Seven Rings makes you think a single denizen of Hell would give two shits about becoming a better person? You have no proof that this little experiment even works! You want people to be good...just because?" She started laughing yet again.
"Well, we have a patron already, who believes in our cause and he's shown incredible progress!"
"Oh? And who might that be?" Katie pulls out a mug of coffee from seemingly nowhere, starting to take a sip.
Charlie's expression turned more smug. "Oh, just someone named...Angel Dust!"
Katie let out a spray of coffee, looking bewildered. Tom, who had finally returned to the desk, widened his eyes. "The porn star?"
Katie glared at him. "You fucking would, Tom!" She turned back to Charlie. "In any case, that's not even an accomplishment. I'm sure you could get that hooker to do anything with enough booger sugar and lube."
"Oh, I beg to differ! He's been behaved, clean, and out of trouble for two weeks now!"
A staff member suddenly announced offscreen, "Breaking news!"
Katie shoved Charlie off the desk. "We are receiving word that a new player has entered the ongoing turf war! Let's go to the live feed." The live feed suddenly appeared on screen, showing the aforementioned Angel Dust, a spider-like androgynous man, laughing as he threw a grenade at Sir Pentious.
"Oh...shit..." Charlie muttered as Angel Dust could be heard in the background.
"'Oh shit' indeed! It looks like the one who just joined the battle is none other than porn actor, Angel Dust! What a juicy coincidence! You must feel really stupid right now," Katie's grin widened.
"Don't look at this!" Charlie said, attempting to block the live feed.
Katie laughed, looming over Charlie. "Well, it sure looks like your little project is dead on arrival. Tell us, how does it feel to be a total failure?"
Charlie, in an attempt to come up with a clever comeback, grabbed Katie's pen. "Yeah, well, how does it feel that I got your pen, huh? Bitch!"
Everyone stopped laughing and Katie gave her a death stare. Tom quickly ran off set as Katie revealed her full demonic form and lunged toward Charlie, who let out a small, "Oops," before being attacked by the news reporter.