Work Text:
For some reason, Chris had a tendency to downplay injuries and brush off whenever he felt sick.
Chris did it since they were kids. Matt could remember clearly whenever they got hurt, he and Nick would go crying to their parents, a kid‘s instinct taking over to rush to their mom and dad to make it better. But Chris didn’t always do that. There were many times in which one of them hit Chris with more force than what they intended, or threw something at him way too hard, and Chris would freeze and try to absorb the pain without making a sound.
It was strange, the kid always did that. Once Nick accidentally made Chris fall and snap a finger, and Chris stayed with his eyes clutched, holding his hand, almost not breathing; it went for minutes. His brother didn’t cry out, didn’t wail for their parents. He just stayed like that until Matt ran to his mom and told her Chris got hurt. On other occasions Chris would scrapple his knee really badly, enough to bleed through his pants and the kid didn’t bring it up until someone saw the blood.
There was even one instance in which Justin accidentally hit Chris’ head so hard that Chris ended up with a concussion. But when it happened, Chris stayed with his head low, holding it, but without bawling, and without calling for their parents. His brother literally had such a horrible concussion he ended up throwing up and not tolerating light for two days, yet the first minutes you couldn’t tell it was going to be that bad.
It was honestly impressive. Matt remembered being a kid and thinking that Chris was just so cool. His brother was one of the coolest kids ever, in Matt’s mind. And being able to handle pain like that was something that Matt found impressive.
This habit of Chris made it through his teenage years and to actual times. It was something Chris never stopped doing. In fact, it kept getting worse because since he was older, Chris could mask pain way more easily than when he was a kid.
While playing hockey, Chris once sustained a hit on the ribs that ended up in bruised ribs, something they only learnt after the match. Chris was moving stiffly and they insisted on Chris lifting his clothes to see the spot, and it was only after that they saw a nasty, purple bruise on Chris’ side.
“Just sore.” His brother had said, while moving on two bruised ribs.
There’s one video of them on the internet that encapsulates how Chris always managed pain. It’s one of their early vlogs, in which Nick threw an egg to Chris’ back hard enough to knock the wind out of him. Chris then went to the corner, giving them his back and holding the spot that was clearly hurting a lot without making a sound. Matt asked Chris to see the spot, and Chris said no and once he sucked in the pain, he just went on like usual. Despite having a bruise already forming on his back.
There were many other videos online in which Chris was not feeling well, and you could barely tell he was off as a viewer. There was a video in which Chris was starting to get a fever, and he didn’t tell Matt or Nick, and filmed anyway. Another one Chris was coughing so much, but filmed anyways, then a few days later his brother had to take antibiotics because he had a respiratory infection. And no one would have guessed it was that serious until Chris was coughing so much he was almost spitting a lung.
The kid was a pro in pretending he was fine, and Matt started to not find it as cool as before. It started to get a little concerning. Especially because Chris’ lungs weren’t the strongest.
His brother had pneumonia when they were 16, and Chris’ lungs were not the same ever since. You wouldn’t be able to tell from videos if you didn’t know, but if you paid close attention, Chris coughed a lot, or took bigger gasps of air than Matt or Nick did. Sometimes his breath came out in wheeze, and Chris often rubbed his chest whenever he felt it tight.
Now, Chris always carried an inhaler with him. His allergies mixed up a lot with his lung issues, and Chris often needed to use the inhaler to be able to breathe properly. But it wasn’t something that held Chris back at all. His brother was actually the most active, intense, chaotic one of the three. He had a tenacity to push himself that not many people had.
It wasn’t unusual for them to play hockey together, or mess around playing a sport, and Chris would keep up with people with healthy lungs, until he couldn’t.
Many times, Matt would not pay attention to Chris since they were enjoying themselves way too much. Then the next thing he saw was his brother doubled over, breathing coming in fast, sallow gasp. Everytime it happened it was like a bucket of ice, because Matt had seen Chris not being able to breathe and having to be taken to the ER, which wasn’t a fun experience. It was actually quite terrifying. He knew many people dealt with asthma or lung issues on a daily basis, so it’s normalized, but seeing someone not be able to breathe is a scary experience. Especially when that someone is your sibling.
He would never forget that first time he saw Chris not be able to draw a breath at sixteen. His brother’s eyes were impossibly wide, the gasps for air were haunting, the way Chris’ lips were turning darker. Matt thought Chris was about to die right there in front of him, and his life was about to become a nightmare.
That was why he couldn’t tolerate Chris pushing himself so much to the point of getting dangerously breathless.
“Chris–Chris, you okay?” Matt was by Chris’ side in an instant, stopping the hockey game. His hand hovered close to Chris’ back, ready to steady his brother.
Chris nodded, and forced a tight smile.
“Why didn’t you stop sooner? You should have told us.” Matt said, guiding Chris outside.
“I’m fine.” Chris was still struggling to catch his breath, and Matt felt his own chest get tighter from anxiety. “You don’t always have to push yourself so hard.” Matt said, feeling deja vu.
He had said that phrase many times.
“Just wanted to keep up.”
Matt’s concern kept growing, because Chris refused to let them know his lungs were acting up until he was gasping for air.
They once filmed a Youtube collab that almost ended badly. Matt had the feeling something was off with Chris. His brother was his usual animated, chatty self, but Matt could hear a little strain in Chris’ voice. It wasn’t unusual though, they were used to Chris waking up with a cough and that was as far as it got. But this time it was different, Matt noticed his brother’s breath hitch more than once while filming, which was something that turned all Matt’s alarms on when it came to Chris.
“You good?” Matt asked quietly while filming. In return, Chris flashed him a smile. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”
Matt wasn’t convinced, and he noticed how Chris’ breath was a little shallower.
While filming, Matt saw some faint wince on Chris’ face after laughing too hard, and then he started to turn away to cough.
Matt connected eyes with Nick, sharing a worried glance and raised eyebrows. That was when Matt knew Chris was hiding it, and both he and Nick could tell.
During a break, Matt pulled Chris aside. “Are you sure you are okay?” He made sure not to ask in front of the other content creator, or Chris would get pissed.
“Dude, yes. Stop it. You worry too much. I’ll be fine,” Chris tried to reassure him, but his words came out a bit shaky.
Matt felt his jaw tick with frustration, he didn’t want to cause a scene in another youtuber’s house, but he wished Chris at least would be honest with him.
During one instance, Matt saw Chris lean slightly against the wall, catching his breath, then continue with a smile on his face. But Matt saw it was strained.
After they wrapped out the video, Matt saw Chris visibly paler, and his breaths were coming in shorter gasps.
“Chris, are you–” Nick couldn’t even finish the question before Chris turned away, coughing so hard it echoed around the house. The youtuber glanced at them with a concerned expression.
“Alright, that’s it.” Matt sprinted to the car and got the spare inhaler that he always carried around. Just in case.
He was quickly back inside, and handed the inhaler to his brother. “Use it.”
Matt watched Chris take three pumps at once, leaving him with shaky hands.
“Sorry,” Chris offered the youtuber they were collabing with a smile.
“Stop, don’t worry about it. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just…didn’t want to ruin the video. I’m fine. I swear. Just need a sec.”
Matt put a and on Chris’ shoulder, not feeling at ease until Chris’ breath got less labored.
“Why do you always do this, Chris? You don’t have to push yourself so hard,” Nick said once they were in the car, showing the same concern as Matt.
Chris continued to push himself every single time, and Matt was getting too anxious about it. It frustrated him that Chris didn’t take care of himself, and that he pushed himself in ways that were not necessary.
He remembered one time they filmed an intense vlog. Matt had been focussed on the vlog, so much that he didn’t see Chris was starting to struggle. Then when he turned, he saw Chris coughing onto his elbow so intensely that he was wheezing, then gasping for air.
They had told Chris to slow down; to take it easy. Yet Chris didn’t listen to them. Matt felt frustration boiling over as he looked at his brother yet again hunched over, struggling to breathe.
“Why do you keep doing this?” Matt snapped, words leaving his mouth in a much harsher tone than what he intended. “You knew it was too much, you always know, but you keep going. You need to learn when to stop. Look what happens when you don’t!”
Matt heard the frustration in his own voice, loud and sharp. But he couldn’t stop himself. “Do you think we want to see you like this?!”
That was it. That was why Matt snapped without meaning it. He hated seeing his brother like that.
Chris didn’t answer, he couldn’t. His brother was too focussed on breathing, his hands shaking as he was trying to grip his inhaler. Matt barely noticed Nick’s presence until he felt his brother’s hand grab his shoulder, then pull him back forcefully. Nick’s expression was an angry one, and it surprised Matt.
“Hey. Why don’t you yell at him once he can fucking breathe?”
Nick’s words and voice were cutting. Matt saw anger in his brother’s eyes and he froze. He was stunned. He glanced at Chris and things were put into perspective.
His brother was literally bent over, pale, his entire body tense. Chris had a hand gripping his chest, and was struggling just to stay steady on his feet. And Matt thought it would be good to just yell at his brother while Chris would barely breathe.
Nick got on Chris’ side, a hand on his back, guiding their brother to a seat. His face was full of worry and he murmured to Chris. “Hey, you are alright. Focus on breathing.”
Nick’s voice was so soft; it was a sharp contrast to the frustration Matt had just directed at his little brother. He felt guilt washing over him.
After using his inhaler, Chris’ breath got better, but he was visibly exhausted and trembling for the effort. His brother looked up, his gaze briefly meeting Matt’s.
“Sorry,” Chris murmured in a shaky voice, and Matt hated it. He had yelled at Chris while his brother was at his most vulnerable, when Chris couldn’t respond, yet Chris was saying sorry.
“No, no. I’m the one sorry, Chris.”
He didn't mean to talk to Chris that way during that moment. But seeing his brother struggle to breathe was something that brought up an anxiety Matt didn’t know how to handle. It was as if his body believed that Chris could drop dead at any minute, and that he would have to live in a world without a part of himself.
That night, Chris slept on Matt’s bed. He grabbed Chris’ hand trying to find the words. “I just—about today…I’m just scared for you, Chris, that’s all.” He tried to find the right words, but it was hard to express himself when it came to things that made him anxious.
Chris held his hand back, and offered a tired smile. “It’s okay. I get it. I don’t make it easy for you, I know.”
Matt ran his thumb over Chris’ hand. “Don’t say that.”
That was not the only time Matt felt terribly guilty for something related to Chris’ lungs acting up. It was a total accident, but Matt still felt terrible when it happened.
Matt had been focussed on searching for content for them to react, he had been absorbed into that task, wanting to really contribute in their next video. He didn’t pay much attention to Nick or Chris that day, so he didn’t realize Chris had been feeling sick since the morning.
He did hear coughing more than once, but it was sadly a common occurrence in their house, and Chris was a pro at hiding his true discomfort. But other than that, Matt didn’t imagine Chris was feeling as bad.
That night, Chris had been a lot on the sofa, just laying there, and Matt thought Chris was having a chill, calm night. Sometimes Chris wasn’t in the mood to be energetic, and that was okay.
Matt was absorbed in his laptop, when he felt Chris move slowly, easing himself over Matt’s side. Chris laid his head on Matt’s shoulder, and he shifted in surprise and shoved his brother off without a second thought. It was an automatic, sibling reaction. He simply didn’t expect Chris to lean on him, and he just shoved Chris away like they sometimes did to each other.
“Quit it, Chris,” he mumbled, barely looking as he pushed his brother away.
But as soon as he did, Chris turned away, coughing into his elbow. Chris was sent into a sharp coughing fit, his breaths turning shallow, and wheezy. His brother clutched at his chest, and squeezed his eyes shut.
Matt’s eyes widened. He saw Chris doubled over, stuck in a coughing fit while struggling to breathe. His brother opened his eyes, with an expression of hurt, rejection and exhaustion, his eyes glassy for the effort the coughing was causing.
Matt’s heart felt squeezed inside his chest.
“Oh, God, Chris–” Matt immediately realized what he had done. He immediately reached out, pulling on arm around Chris, and helping his brother sit up straighter to breathe better. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” Matt held Chris, pulling his brother into a hug once the coughing was less intense. He wrapped his arms around Chris gently.
Chris didn’t say anything, he was still wheezing, but Matt felt Chris relax in his arms, accepting the comfort. Matt rubbed Chris’ back in circles, trying to somehow help his brother breathe better. He felt eaten by guilt for shoving Chris off when his brother was just seeking affection because he was sick.
“Why didn't you just say something?” Matt whispered, holding Chris tighter. He rested his cheek on top of Chris’ head, closing his eyes.
Chris just gave him a faint shake of his head.
“I’m sorry, buddy.”
Matt stayed there with Chris, holding his brother until his breath got better. The laptop was forgotten and Matt made sure to linger by Chris’ side. He really wished Chris would tell when he was not feeling good.