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"Well," Steve sighed, barely audible above the screaming sirens as he watched the sprinkler system put out the fire that had once been their living room, "what do we do now?"
"I know just the place," Tony's grin was probably meant to be reassuring but, in the end, was anything but, and Steve dropped his head into his hands and waited for the nightmare to end.
And so it was that, complete with overloaded suitcases, the Avengers were dropped off outside what had to be the world's fanciest hotel. The whole team, minus Tony who was by now completely at home with the grandeur, gaped.
"Good afternoon, master Tony," one of the men in impeccable suits uttered as soon as they walked through the door, "we have the rooms all prepared. However, there has been a slight hitch. A 'Mr Fury' called, demanding that you be put in the pairs as he said, and he can be," here at least he had the good grace to look abashed, "quite persuasive."
Steve jumped in before Tony could blow up in the poor man's face, nodding and shaking his hand as he assured them, "That will be fine."
"That is," the man looked down at a notepad, "Thor with Natasha, Steve with Peter, Tony with Clint, Vision with Cassie, Sam with Scott, Pietro with Wanda and Bruce with Bucky."
Steve struggled to keep the perfect smile from slipping from his face, grip tightening as he continued to say, "That will be fine."
"I'll go sign us in," Bruce announced, slipping away from the group, giving Steve the chance to turn to Tony and hiss,
"What is this? How expensive is it? This is way too fancy and you know it, Tony!"
"What do you mean?" Pietro popped up, "This is perfect! Isn't it, Vision?" Vision made a vague grumbling noise in the back of his throat. "Okaaaay then, isn't it, Wanda?"
"Is there a pool?"
"There's a pool, a games room, everything!" Bucky responded.
"Then yes, this is perfect."
"See?" Pietro grinned, and Steve accepted defeat, choosing instead to join Scott in chasing a giggling Cassie around the lobby.
The doors opened, and the chattering that arose from outside heralded another gaggle of guests. Before the group could get into any form of order, Thor had strode up to them, talking over the man greeting them to yell, "Welcome to my humble abode!" and fling his arms out to gesture about himself.
"Sorry, sorry," Bruce huffed, running over to deal with the drama, "he doesn't quite get hotels." The group nodded nervously and edged back. "Natasha," he called over his shoulder, "you're staying with Thor, can you watch him?"
"I'm a bit busy," she called back from where she was attempting to prevent Clint from stealing anything.
Peter and Sam, sat down inconspicuously on a sofa to avoid Thor-watching duty, nodded at each other from where they were using a drinks menu to hide their faces.
"My friends at uni are gonna be so jealous," Peter smirked, and Sam agreed, although his mind seemed to be elsewhere.
"Do you think this place would be good for a romantic getaway?" he asked, but Peter's response was covered by Tony pulling down the menu and grinning,
"Come on you two lovebirds," they jumped away from each other, faces red, "we're going to the pool."
As soon as Cassie had her little armbands on, the group took over the pool. Scott was trying to teach Cassie to swim, worrying at every point, but at least he could look around and see the others, 12 superheroes all willing to save his daughter should anything happen.
Pietro was attempting to learn to dive, with Wanda watching and laughing every time he bellyflopped, but then she would give him tips on how to not do that again.
Tony had made straight for the pool bar, although he was being dragged away, kicking and screaming, by Steve. "Okay, fine," he flipped around onto his front, glancing cheekily up at Steve, "race you to the other side!"
Even with Tony's headstart, Steve won by a mile, splashing over to the other side where Vision was deep in conversation with the lifeguard, which was probably for the best as it prevented him from noticing Thor splashing everyone within a five metre vicinity with ripples like tidal waves. Thankfully Bruce, floating nearby on his lilo, wasn't too upset when he inevitably was unseated by Thor's disturbance, and instead went to join Bucky in the hot tub.
Peter found a beachball, and cajoled Sam, Natasha and Clint into playing piggy in the middle, which eventually resulted in the entire team playing until the pool had to close.
"It's okay, Thor," Tony cheered the upset demigod, "it's time to eat now!"
Soon the hotel learned just how much of a bad idea it was to have an all-you-can-eat buffet when the Avengers were around. Steve politely took a little bit of everything, and Tony took a mound of rice and about seven cups of coffee and proceeded to work on something on his phone while ploughing through it.
And then there were the others. Pietro and Thor had enough food that they both nearly broke the plate, and Peter went straight for the greasiest pizza and kebabs and chips like the true student he was. Wanda completely covered her plate with hot hot sauce, and ate the entire thing without flinching. Sam was doing his best to stay in shape, so jumped on the health wagon with Bruce and his vegetables. Vision also joined in, nibbling on a slice of melon and questioning Natasha about the Russian food that literally no-one had heard of but her, which both Scott and Bucky tried as they were scrounging off other people's plates. Clint took Cassie straight to the dessert aisle.
When everyone, even Thor and Pietro, had cleared their plates, it was time to go to their rooms.
Natasha's ire increased with every passing second, snatching the keycard out of Thor's hand on his fifth try (and his fifth failure) to open the door and opening it herself. Immediately upen entering the room, she noticed a massive problem.
One, king-sized problem.
"We shall have to share a bed!" Thor cheered, and Natasha groaned in desperation, ignoring his cries of, "What are these tiny conditioner bottles? They are so tiny!"
It turned out to be worse than she had ever imagined possible. Thor was, apparently, a very loud and very clingy sleeper, hugging onto her like a sloth and falling asleep half on top of her, snoring loudly. She spent the entire night stock still, not moving for fear of waking Thor up and causing him to move into an even more uncomfortable position.
At least she had a better night than Sam and Scott, however. The second that the two of them set foot in the elevator, it moved up a foot and then stopped, leaving the two of them trapped in it for the foreseeable future.
"Do you think Cassie will be okay?" Scott asked, over and over again.
Cassie, on the other hand, was having the time of her life. Having got over the initial disappointment of not being able to do Steve's hair and make-up, she was using the sugar high of only having ice-cream for dinner to attempt to convince Vision that unicorns were, in fact, real, and ignoring all of his attempts at logic.
For once in his life, Clint was not the drunk one being looked after. As soon as they got to the room, Tony had raided the minibar for all of the small bottles, and got absolutely shitfaced on them. Soon enough he was slurring at Clint about how beautiful Steve's face was, and his butt oh god had he seen Steve's butt, while Clint looked longingly at the increasingly large pile of empty bottles and wished that he could have one.
At first, everything went okay for Wanda and Pietro. Being siblings, they were used to sharing a bed so that they each got enough space without disturbing the other. It wasn't until about three o'clock in the morning that any trouble began.
Pietro was woken rather rudely by Wanda kicking him repeatedly. Blearily, he opened his eyes and raised his head to check the time, dropping it back onto the pillow with a grunt when it became clear to him that it wasn't time to get up. He was drifting back off to sleep again when something woke him up once more. This time, instead of kicking, Wanda was making small hurt noises under her breath. Immediately, Pietro was fully awake and by her side, shaking her out of her slumber.
With a light gasp, Wanda woke up, blinking her eyes open and hugging Pietro tightly the moment that she saw him. "You're not dead," she whispered, her shaking voice making it sound more of a question than a statement, and Pietro hugged back.
"Of course I'm not dead," he replied, confused, "why would I be dead?"
"Ultron," Wanda shuddered, and Pietro shook his head, letting his sister bury hers in his shoulder.
"Hey, it didn't work. You can't get rid of me that easily!" he chuckled softly, "I'm never going to leave. I promise."
Wanda sniffled. "Good, because I want you to stay."
"I won't leave you," Pietro repeated, stroking her hair until she fell asleep.
At the exact same time, this peaceful scene was offset by the drama of Steve and Peter's room. Peter, claiming accident but almost definitely on purpose, had called some male strippers to their room, and Steve was desperately trying to get them to leave without shoving money in their pants, an attempt that was going horribly wrong. In the end, face burning red, he passed the money on to Peter, who seemed completely at home paying them and then showing them out, smacking most of them on the arse as they went.
The next morning, the group reconvened in the lobby. Thor looked well-slept, but was keeping his distance from a murderous Natasha. Cassie was on Vision's shoulders, Scott and Sam looked rumpled and were still in the same clothes as before, and Steve was still blushing every time he looked at a smirking Peter. Pietro and Wanda were chatting excitedly, and both Tony and Clint looked desperately hungover, despite the fact that Clint hadn't touched a drop.
Bruce and Bucky strolled calmly up to the group, both awake and cheerful.
"Didn't you have a nice sleep?" Bruce winked, hi-fiving Bucky and leaving the other's wondering where it had all gone wrong.