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Weeks after Barok’s trial, Kazuma was still unsure how to feel about his mentor. He had once loved that man, and had once hated him just as much. Now, he could no longer tell how he felt—all he knew was that, for better or for worse, there was no one in that world who understood him as well as Barok did.
Looking at his mentor was like looking at a mirror: years of sorrow and resentment had changed them into something they hated, leaving nothing but regret among the ashes.
It was hard to know who he was, sometimes… Had Susato’s loving brother and Ryunosuke’s best friend been just an act? Part of him knew that wasn’t true, but still… There were days when he wasn’t sure of anything. He couldn’t differentiate between the Kazuma he pretended to be and that ugly thing that grew like a sickness inside him—somehow, he was both of them and neither at the same time.
That was why, sometimes, it was easier for Kazuma to see himself in Barok than in his own reflection. Or at least it had been at first, when all he could see in that man were the things he hated the most about himself. But Barok was more than that—so much more. And, as much as he tried to deny it, Kazuma still cared about him.
For long weeks, Kazuma tried to keep all those conflicting feelings inside himself, but the more he waited for them to fade away, the harder it became to ignore them. It came to the point where he couldn’t sleep at night, plagued by doubts, fears, and possibilities of what could have been. With things as they were, he could either face those thoughts properly or succumb to his guilt; and, as exhausted as he could be, he wasn’t willing to give up after coming so far.
He made his way to the van Zieks mansion, and in a minute Barok opened the door, widening his eyes upon seeing him.
“Asogi…”
Immediately, Kazuma’s fears became louder. “Is this a bad time?”
“No. Please, come in.”
Barok gestured inside the house, and Kazuma did as he said. One glance at the table made it clear his mentor had been drinking—a habit Kazuma thought he was slowly trying to overcome, though that had been before the trial. Noticing his gaze, Barok spoke.
“Would you like a glass of wine?”
Kazuma almost refused, but stopped himself. He didn’t usually drink much, but ended up accepting the offer—God knew he needed all the courage he could get to touch that subject.
They sat on the couch and Barok filled their glasses. The wine was good, but Kazuma could barely appreciate the flavor.
“Is there something you need of me?” asked Barok.
“I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Is something the matter?”
“I’m not sure.” Kazuma sighed, frustrated at himself. “I’m sorry… I thought about many things I wanted to say on my way here, but now I can’t think of any of them.”
“Take your time. I will listen to what you have to say when you feel ready.”
His understanding words and soft voice didn’t make things easier. Since the truth was revealed, Barok treated him that way, as if dealing with something that could shatter at any moment. He had always been kind to Kazuma, but not like that… What once had been a source of comfort and reassurance when he had no memories of his own, was now one of the reasons why he could barely stand being close to that man.
“You don’t need to be so careful with me,” said Kazuma.
“My apologies. It was not my intention to make you uncomfortable.”
And there he was, doing it again without even realizing it. Kazuma could be guilty of many things, but Barok continued to act as if he was an innocent victim who had been wronged by him, or worse: his pathway to redemption after sentencing an innocent man to death. It made Kazuma wonder if things could even be different between them, now that they knew the truth of ten years before.
“Lord van Zieks,” he said. “Are you sure you are fine with having me as your apprentice?”
Barok stared at him, seeming surprised by the question. “Of course I am. Have I done anything to make you believe otherwise?”
Kazuma took a long sip of his wine. “Then, allow me to rephrase it.” He met Barok’s gaze. “Would things be easier for you if I wasn’t here?”
Barok stayed silent for a long while, then finally let out a small sigh. “I’m afraid I cannot answer.”
“Why not? If you’re worried about hurting me, don’t be.”
“This is not what I meant.” Barok reached for the bottle of wine, refilling their glasses. “But it is a difficult thing to explain.”
“Can you try?”
Again, the answer didn’t come immediately. Barok drank from his glass as he thought. Kazuma did the same, more to quell his anxiety than anything else.
“I am glad you chose to stay as my apprentice,” said Barok, finally. “However, I cannot stop thinking about everything that happened, and all the ways in which I have caused you pain.”
“It’s the same for me,” Kazuma admitted.
“I thought so.” Barok lowered his voice. “Looking at you reminds me of the worst parts of myself.”
His words stung in Kazuma’s chest. “I see.”
“Please, do not misunderstand my words,” Barok continued. “I am not accusing you of anything. I, however, must still face my past mistakes, and all the pain I have caused others. For the longest time, I have hated the wrong people while believing it was my right to do so. Now, I must fight the urge to keep doing it every day… As much as I wish to change, it is not easy.”
Kazuma observed him for a moment. It was rare for his mentor to be so open… Maybe it was the wine’s influence, but it didn’t really matter: it was much better than him pushing Kazuma away with those careful words of his.
“I understand what you mean,” said Kazuma. “I have hurt those close to me as well, and… While I was stopped from condemning an innocent man, I almost killed someone with my own hands.”
“You did not succumb to your desire for vengeance.”
“Nor did you. You just did what you thought was right at the time. And my father…” Talking about that was still painful, but he continued. “He did the same. He probably thought lying to you was the right thing to do. All so he could come home again.”
That line of thought always made Kazuma wonder if things would have been different if he hadn’t been born, or if his father didn’t love him as much. Nothing good came from allowing those thoughts to grow in his mind, so he did his best to push them away again.
“I wish he had trusted me,” Barok muttered after a while. “No… I wish I had not been so blind to it all. I had so many chances to stop him, or my brother… To put an end to that horrible madness.” He let out a long, exhausted sigh. “Every day, I wish I could undo it all.”
“But we can’t. All we can do is live with the consequences of what we did.” Kazuma hesitated for a moment. “That’s why you care so much about me, isn’t it? You feel like you owe him this much.”
Barok lowered his eyes. “I do.”
Kazuma already expected that answer, but it was still difficult to hear.
“My father wouldn’t have blamed you,” he said. “So… neither will I. I don’t know if I can ever forgive you, but I don’t blame you for what happened.” He paused. “I understand why you did it, at least.”
“This is more than I could ever ask of you.”
“But,” Kazuma continued, “I don’t want you to feel like you’re responsible for me. I didn’t stay because I wanted this from you… I never even thought things would turn out like this.”
He tried to find a way to explain it, but no matter how hard he tried, the words simply didn’t come. Kazuma gritted his teeth, then emptied his glass before speaking in a lower voice.
“Would things be better if I left?”
Barok shook his head. “I’m glad you have chosen to stay.” He paused, slightly hesitant. “If you had left, I would never find peace again.”
Kazuma smiled bitterly. “So, this way you can compensate for what you did?”
The answer didn’t come for a long while. Barok thought about it, and Kazuma didn’t try to force an answer out of him, as nervous as the silence made him; instead, he refilled his glass, aware that he was drinking more than he was used to.
“I cannot change the past, as much as I wish I could,” said Barok, finally. “I cannot return to you what I have taken away. I can, however, help you move toward the future you have chosen for yourself.”
Kazuma looked at him. “And will this bring you peace?”
“Not as long as you are still burdened by this guilt you carry,” said Barok. “If I could ask a single thing from you, it would be that you stop believing what happened was your fault, somehow.”
His words weighed in Kazuma’s chest. “You can’t ask something like this from me…”
“Can you tell me why?”
Because it had been his fault, at least in part. Even if he never meant to go through with that assassination plan, he still lied to and used the people he loved, taking advantage of how much they cared about him. He had been unbelievably close to taking a man’s life. And, worst of all: he had believed the man who actually took his father from him, and almost condemned an innocent man in his place. Maybe his hands weren’t stained with blood, but he was far from innocent.
But, no matter how many times he said it, Barok simply didn’t seem to understand.
“I want to become a better man than this,” he said, finally. “Someone my father would be proud of.”
“He would be proud of you.”
Kazuma shook his head. “I don’t need you to comfort me, Lord van Zieks. I know I’m still far from who I want to be.”
“I see.” Barok thought for a moment. “In that case, I suppose I have a goal similar to yours.”
Kazuma offered him a slight smile. “Well, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone.”
He glanced inside his glass, empty again. Barok offered him more, and Kazuma accepted it. For a while, they simply drank in silence.
“You’re a good man, Lord van Zieks,” said Kazuma. “You were good to me when we first met. And I cared about you.” Probably more than I should, he didn’t say. “Even now, I don’t want to resent you. I have spent too much of my life hating a faceless ghost… I don’t want to be like this anymore.”
“I understand,” said Barok. “I know how much a feeling like hatred can consume you, and I do not wish such a thing upon anyone, much less you.” He paused, taking a sip of wine. “I would be fine with you not forgiving me, as long as you can still move on. For that reason, I am willing to better myself so I can be a good mentor to you. I just wish it was clearer what steps I should take for this.”
“I think you’re doing well,” said Kazuma. “You are a good mentor.”
“Do you really think so?”
Kazuma shrugged, forcing a slight smile. “Few people would be fine with an apprentice who almost got them killed.”
“I did not make things easier for you. I could have explained my side of the story, but once I heard your real name, I…”
He stopped talking. Kazuma simply looked at him as he struggled to find the words.
“When we first met,” Barok continued, “I decided I would try to leave my hatred for your people behind. And, the more time we spent together, the surer I was I could, with time, let go of these irrational beliefs. I have faltered when I learned your name, but I am still willing to do it… For your sake and your father’s memory.”
“For yourself as well, I hope.”
Barok offered him a faint smile. “Indeed.”
That rare expression made Kazuma’s heart tighten. He truly was a good man, and his words made it clear how much everything that happened was tormenting him. Without thinking, Kazuma reached in his direction, firmly holding his hand. Barok looked at him, surprised.
“Asogi?”
“I will not betray you again,” said Kazuma in a serious voice. “This, I promise you.”
Barok observed him for a moment, then his expression softened a little. “In that case, I will do everything in my power to not disappoint you.”
Hearing those words from Barok made Kazuma feel warm inside. “I’m sure you won’t.”
It was good to know he wasn’t the only one who wanted it all to work, somehow. Strange… Everything seemed so easy when they talked so openly, so different from their usual distant, careful words. How ironic that, only when they stopped trying to avoid causing each other pain, had they finally managed to properly reach each other’s heart.
It felt good… It made him so unbelievably happy.
Without letting go of his hand, Kazuma moved a little closer to Barok. “Back when we first met, you meant the world to me. I cared so much about you…” He paused, but for some reason, the words easily left his lips. “Even now, I still do.”
Barok stayed silent for a moment, then responded in a low voice. “It is the same for me. You may believe what I seek is redemption, but… All I truly want is for you to find happiness.”
“Is it fine for a man like me to be happy, then?”
“Of course it is.”
“Then, I will say the same to you.” Without thinking, Kazuma brought Barok’s hand to his lips, giving it a light kiss. “I wholeheartedly wish for your happiness, my lord.”
“Kazuma…”
That was the first time Barok called him by his first name. Kazuma raised his eyes, meeting Barok’s gaze. His face was so close… He really was a beautiful man. Kazuma raised his hand, touching his cheek, and Barok didn’t move away from that touch. Kazuma’s body seemed to move on its own as he leaned in his direction, closing his eyes as their lips touched.
The feeling of his lips was bittersweet, and yet, he didn’t want to end that kiss. Kazuma had imagined himself doing that so many times before, when he had no memories or even a name. He knew he would regret it later, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered… He just wanted to enjoy that feeling, even if for a single moment.
Just for tonight… We can pretend nothing happened tomorrow.
When Kazuma woke up next to Barok, his memories of the previous night were slightly blurry, but still in place. After that kiss, they lay together in Barok’s bed, sharing a close embrace until they both fell asleep. Thankfully, nothing else happened… As much as he had longed for that kiss, it was bad enough that it had happened while they were both drunk, and after such a serious conversation.
Before the guilt and anxiety could fill Kazuma’s mind, however, he noticed Barok shift slightly next to him.
“Are you awake?” asked Kazuma.
The low answer came after a long silence. “Yes.”
Oh, God… That wouldn’t be an easy conversation.
“I… I’m sorry for yesterday,” said Kazuma, quickly. “I shouldn’t have done something like that.”
“I should be the one apologizing. As your mentor, I—”
“Don’t say it.” Kazuma interrupted him. “Please, just… Whatever you are about to say, just don’t.”
Another long pause. “Very well.”
Silence filled the bedroom. Free from the influence of the alcohol, it was much harder to find the proper words.
“Lord van Zieks,” he said in a low voice. “I might have been drunk at the end of last night, but… I still meant every word I said to you.” He hesitated. “And, more than anything else, I’m tired of this.”
His words made Barok look at him. “What do you mean?”
“Of feeling nothing but regret all the time,” said Kazuma. “Of hating myself… and trying to hate you. No matter how much I try to, I simply can’t do it.”
“I would not blame you for hating me. But I must admit I am glad to hear those words.”
Kazuma met his gaze. “And you? Do you hate me?”
“Of course not. I never truly did.”
“Then, can we… move on from this?”
“Do you believe it is possible?”
“I am willing to try if you are.”
To his surprise, Barok leaned forward, placing a kiss on his forehead. “Very well… We shall both try, then.”
The gesture made Kazuma smile. He moved closer to Barok, hugging him, pressing his face against his chest.
“Is this fine?” he asked.
Barok brought a hand to his head, holding him close. “It is.”
That was all that mattered. As long as he had that much, he could face the rest, no matter how long it took for him to overcome his guilt—even if it took an entire lifetime, as long as he was not alone.