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Tadashi opens his eyes to a confusing blur of sensations. An aching throat, a pounding head and a sweatshirt that's far too hot to be wearing in bed. He pushes the duvet out of his face and it rattles the cough in his chest.
“Hey, stop that.”
Tadashi frowns as a familiar pale hand tucks the quilt back into place. Quite adamantly, too.
“Mm…” Tadashi mumbles. “M’ too hot.”
“He says he's too hot, what should I do?”
Tadashi tries to pull his thoughts into some kind of lucid train. Something he can follow and make sense of.
Tsukki's talking on the phone.
“Hm… Let me check.”
An arm clad in a green hoodie reaches over Tadashi's face to the bedside table, and returns with a plastic gun-like thing.
“What's that?” Tadashi flinches.
“Thermometer. Hold still.”
Tadashi blinks as Tsukki aims the gun at his forehead. Should he be frightened? Probably not.
The gun beeps when Tsukki pulls the trigger. Then it beeps again, angrily.
“Oh… Still a hundred degrees.”
Tadashi tries to wriggle out of the quilt but something is weighing it down. Something big and heavy and long-legged.
“He’s restless, too. I said stop it.”
Tadashi huffs uncomfortably as he settles back under the duvet. A cool hand meets his forehead. The drift of Tsukki's thumb distracts him from the ache in his head.
“Yeah, he feels clammy. Should I get a wet cloth?”
Tadashi looks down to see Tsukki sitting on his bed. That's what the weight is.
It’s nice.
“I don't know… He's been like this for twelve hours now. Are you sure I shouldn't take him to the hospital?”
Hospital. There's a word Tadashi doesn't want to hear.
“Tsukki… No…”
He closes his eyes as Tsukki's fingers push his fringe back. His nails drag against his scalp, just a little bit.
“Yeah, well… Hopefully it's just Freshers’ Flu. Okay… Thanks, Mom.”
Tadashi's eyes feel hot as he opens them. Tsukki pulls his hand away slowly.
“What kind of sophomore gets Freshers’ Flu, huh?”
Tadashi feels the mattress lift as Tsukki gets up. His shadow moves across the room. The room that is Tadashi's in their two-bedroom apartment. His footsteps fade until Tadashi can't hear them. He frowns unhappily.
“Tsu–”
The name catches on the scratch in his throat. Every time he coughs, the ache in his head throbs.
Why does he keep leaving?
“Stop trying to get out of bed.”
Firm hands tuck the quilt around Tadashi's shoulders. Tadashi blinks hazily. When did Tsukki come back in the room?
“I mean, I'd get it if we were still living in the dorms, but an apartment off-campus?” he mutters. “Your immune system needs to toughen up.”
Tadashi's head hurts. He hates feeling this hot. Tsukki sits down on the bed again and it makes the room wobble. Tadashi moans uncomfortably.
“Here, let me just…”
A warm cloth meets his forehead. Tsukki wipes his face gently, down his jaw, his neck, his collarbone.
“Tsukki…” The words feel thick in his mouth. “I don't want to leave.”
He keeps wiping Tadashi’s face. “Why would you do that?”
“You said hospital.”
“Oh. No, we're not going. I was just asking my mom.”
Tadashi's throat aches as he reaches for Tsukki's hoodie with his fingers. “Don't leave.”
“We won't.”
“You.” Tadashi's eyes fill with tears. “Don't leave again.”
The room spins behind the blur of his tears. He feels Tsukki lean forward, cool hand on his forehead again.
“I won't.” He talks softly. “Don't worry.”
Hot tears spill down Tadashi's face. College is hard. Being away from home is hard. Doing all your own laundry and cooking all your own food and trying not to get sick. It's all really hard.
It would be unbearable if Tsukki wasn't here.
“You're so nice to me, Tsukki,” he weeps.
Tsukki sighs as he wipes the tears away with his thumb. “I'm not that nice.”
“You are.” Tadashi's head pounds. “You always were, and I always did.”
“Did what?”
“Love you.”
Tadashi can't remember anything. It feels impossible with his head so full of fog. It just feels like the right thing to say.
He feels Tsukki's fingers on the neck of his sweatshirt. “Yeah, I… I know.”
“No, you don't.” He struggles. “You don't know, Tsukki. I wish you did.”
The cough in his chest decides that now is not the time to confess his life-long love for his best friend. He turns onto his side, coughing into the sleeve of his sweatshirt. Tsukki hates being ill. He wouldn't want to catch this.
“Don't get sick,” Tadashi mumbles. “Don't sit by me.”
“But you don't want me to leave.”
“No, but–"
“Just– Stop worrying about it.” He feels a hand smooth over his hair. “Try to sleep. Your fever has to break soon.”
Tadashi feels his mouth turn down as more tears come. He just wants to feel better.
“I do love you, Tsukki.”
Cool fingers thread through his hair. He closes his eyes, soothed by the way it feels.
“I know you do.”
~
Tadashi opens his eyes slowly. Daylight brightens the room enough to rouse him from sleep. He looks around at the familiarity of the walls. The paint colour, the photos, the corkboard of post-it note messages. It's all exactly how he left it. It all makes sense to look at.
He stretches out his arms, feeling the ache in his shoulders. How long did he sleep? Before he can add up the hours, his stretched out hand meets denim on the bed. He looks over to see Tsukki sitting beside him, leant back against the headboard, eyes down on his study notes. He doesn't look like he's reading though. Tadashi can tell. He always looks calm when he reads but right now, he's frowning.
“Tsukki?”
The frown lifts as he looks down at him. “Oh. I thought you were just turning over.”
Tadashi blinks up at him. “How long have you been sitting there?”
He almost looks wistful as he gazes down at Tadashi. “Doesn't matter.”
The feeling comes back. The home-like, evergreen feeling of being next to Kei. Tadashi reaches for his hand without thinking. He holds it with both of his own, feeling the shape of his fingers and the lines of his palm. Kei closes his fingers around Tadashi's, and they fit like a dream.
“I…” Kei swallows. “I think you forgot.”
Tadashi blinks at him, confused. “Forgot what?”
Kei looks down at his lap. This time, he looks sad.
“You were… pretty out of it with that fever.” He swallows. “You didn't make a lot of sense when you talked. But it seemed like… You forgot. About us.”
Tadashi sits up in alarm. A little too quickly, and it makes his head hurt.
“Mm.” He rubs his eyes blearily. “What do you mean? What did I say?”
Kei looks at him, and for a moment he smiles like it's funny. “You were saying how you loved me. And how you wished I knew. It was like you'd never told me before.”
Tadashi blinks as he tries to think back over the last 24 hours. It feels like trying to pull ingredients out of soup.
“I… I don't remember.” His brows draw together. “I remember I didn't want you to go. And… you were on the phone.”
Kei's eyes look glassy. Tadashi's heart breaks at the sight of them.
“Tsukki…”
The study notes spill from Kei's lap as he leans forward, wrapping his arms around Tadashi and holding him tight. Tadashi leans into him, sinking his fingers into the warmth of his hoodie.
“Tsukki?”
“You were so sad…” Kei talks into his shoulder. “You thought I didn't know. It was like… that’s how you must have felt before.”
Tadashi feels his eyes welling up. “Oh.” He sniffs. “That's embarrassing.”
Kei half laughs. Tadashi feels it against his chest. “It wasn't. I’m just… I'm sorry.”
“What for?” Tadashi pulls back to look at him. “You didn't do anything wrong!”
“No, I mean…” He looks down. “I'm sorry you had to be sad like that. I'm sorry you couldn't tell me as soon as you wanted to. I'm sorry… you had to wait.”
Tadashi smiles as he lifts his hands to Kei's face. His beautiful, grown-up face. He's so different from the boy that he used to be.
“I didn't mind waiting.” He smooths his thumb over his cheek. “I just didn't know if you wanted to hear it, back then.”
Kei drops his head onto Tadashi's shoulders. “How could you not know?”
Tadashi draws his fingers through soft, blond hair. It seems so simple now. Like this is what they always were, what they always would become. Back then, it felt impossible. So far away, to think of holding Kei like this.
“Wait.” Tadashi looks around for a clock. “It's eleven. What day is it? Don't you have classes?”
Kei doesn't lift his head. He just winds his arms tighter around Tadashi's waist.
“Snow day.”
Tadashi peers over at the window. The sky is its usual November grey, but there's no sign of snow. He laughs, and it makes his cough return. He tries his best to cover his mouth with his sleeve.
“You’ll get sick being so close to me!” Tadashi pushes him back. “You hate getting sick!”
“Tadashi, shut u–”
A sneeze cuts him off quite suddenly. He blinks in surprise, before pushing his glasses up his nose, sternly.
“That was unrelated.”
“It was not!” Tadashi laughs, the cough seizing every chance it gets to make its presence known.
“Well, I'm not leaving you by yourself.” Kei frowns, scooping up his notes and tossing them on the bedside table. “Not after how bad you were last night.”
“I'm feeling better, though!” Tadashi covers his mouth with his arm to hide another cough. “Honest!”
Kei leans in and presses a kiss to Tadashi's forehead as he gets off the bed. “I’ll make you something to eat.”
“Kei–”
He stops so Tadashi can catch him, arms around his waist, chin on his chest.
“Can I be your snow day too?”
Kei smiles, holding him with that perennial calm in his eyes.
“You always are.”