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Conor is pale, his face bruised and eyes dark with a bloody gash running along his hairline. His blonde hair is stained with blood, dirt, and grease even as she tries to wipe some of it away with a damp cloth. She hadn’t thought anything could ever beat the dead look in his eyes when the Wyrm had finally taken over his mind but somehow watching him come back to himself, too exhausted to even stay on his feet for another second was worse. He’d swayed and collapsed to his knees, looking so haunted she didn’t think she’d ever get the sight of horrified green eyes out of her mind.
He’d been so weak, quiet and small in a way she’d never seen him before. He still is, the trauma and fever have taken an incredible toll on him and she can barely get him to say two words. Neither she or Briggan is willing to leave his side, the wolf staying curled up with him on the cot, head resting on Conor’s stomach as he sleeps fitfully, shivering even under the load of blankets.
Briggan whines in distress when Conor mumbles something under his breath and she releases Jhi from her dormant form, the panda ambling over to rest her head against Conor as well, sending him calming energy until his tumultuous sleep seems to deepen, finally laying still under the covers, pressed against Briggan. “Thank you Jhi” she says softly, leaning into her spirit animal’s side as Jhi harrumphs slowly, nudging her.
Jhi must be exhausted as well, not only had she been tending to Conor for weeks, trying to give him the strength to resist the Wyrm, but she still hasn’t had a break- between Takoda’s injuries and Conor’s she’s barely been able to rest. Now she eases herself out of her chair and onto the floor. Leaning against Jhi as calm washes through her and her eyes droop against her will. Jhi nudges her when she tries to get back up and finally she gives up, curling into Jhi as her eyes close.
When she wakes up she hears Conor murmuring gently to Briggan and just the relief at hearing his voice has her burying her head in Jhi’s side blinking back tears as he continues whispering to the wolf softly, she can hear Briggan shifting on the bed to lick his face as she sits up. He looks better than the last couple days at least, Jhi has healed the cut on his forehead and sleeping for the last two days seems to have helped at least a little bit, he’s more coherent than he's been in weeks.
“Xanthe and Takoda are alright” she says as she raises herself off the floor as gracefully as she can, moving to sit on the edge of the bed and trying not to wince, he still looks pretty awful. “You should take a bath today, I know you’re tired but you’ll feel better if you get cleaned up” Conor shrugs and stares at his lap “I guess” reaching out she sets a hand on Conor’s knee “Get clean and look pretty for your boyfriend, we should be in Eura in a couple days alright and they’re meeting us then.”
He gives her a weak smile but he just looks sad and defeated, she remembers feeling so angry and betrayed after Gerathorn but despite the similarities this was different. Even if she’d felt that dark presence curled in the back of her mind she’d been able to fight back and the control hadn’t been constant, not to mention she’d been present the whole time she just wasn’t in control. For Conor- he’d had his mind corrupted not just controlled, he hadn’t just watched from inside his body as the Wyrm made him do things he’d never do, he’d been made to think and feel things that weren’t true about everyone he loved.
“Is he- do you know if he um-” Conor trails off as Briggan whines at his distress “He asked Kovo about you, through Mulop, yelled at him more like- he was pretty worried” Conor looks at least mildly relieved at that but she still just feels awful. All she’s done for weeks is watch Conor suffering without being able to do anything about it and she’s done with that, there’s nothing she hates more than being helpless.
“None of us are mad at you” she insists as Conor looks up at her like a kicked puppy, big sad green eyes and his busted up lip pulled between his lower teeth, fidgeting with the edge of one of his blankets. “You should be” he mutters and she has to take a deep breath not to let her anger about everything else out on him “Were you mad at me after Gerathorn?” she asks and Conor’s mouth actually falls open, he looks more alive than he has in a long time.
“Of course not it wasn’t your-” he stops mid sentence when he realizes where she’s going and his cheeks turn pink, it makes emotion well up in her chest at seeing him look even slightly like his old self. He doesn’t say anything else and she knows it’ll take much more than that to really get through to him but she’s not missing her chance now that she’s got him to say more than a couple words.
Suddenly she can’t contain herself anymore, she doesn’t want to admit it but for weeks it had felt certain that she would lose him no matter what she did but he’s still here. Springing forward she wraps her arms around Conor’s shoulders tightly, burying her face in his neck. Under the sweat and dirt he still smells like Conor and tears prick at her eyes.
“Oh!” Conor says clearly startled but he wraps his arms around her and holds on tightly, after a few moments she can hear him sniffling into her hair. He’s so tall now and he’d gained a lot of muscle before this though he lost some of that weight throughout their ordeal, she reminds herself to make sure he eats as much as possible even as she holds onto him as tight as she can. She’s ashamed of it but she really had thought she’d never get to hug Conor again, that if she made it out she’d have to be the one to tell Rollan what happened.
She just presses her nose into his shoulder and squeezes her eyes shut not to cry, she is not a crier. But Conor is and she can hear him sniffling as he curls up against her and this time she takes a deep breath and pulls away just enough to rearrange them so she’s holding Conor and not the other way around. He tenses up for a second before letting out a quiet sob as she pulls him into her chest. He’s shivering and crying quietly and it’s all she can do to blink back her own tears as she strokes Conor’s dirty blonde hair, smoothing her hand down his trembling shoulders and whispering reassurances to him.
Anything she can think of that she’d wanted to hear when she was in the same situation but she just finds herself wishing Abeke was here, she’s better at being reassuring and comforting. Even more she wishes Rollan was here, Conor might not pine out loud but she won’t forget the look on his face when they parted ways or the way he’d whisper Rollan’s name in the throes of fever.
In comparison she’s never been as close to Conor, having wasted time being angry over leaving Zhong and then being angry over the lost talisman and then butting heads with him over Abeke when she’d been so convinced it was the other girl who was spilling secrets. With everything going on they just haven’t spent time just the two of them until this mission and she couldn’t help but feel that she would be the first of them who failed to protect her friend and bring him back in one piece.
But he’s here, different, but here, crying against her as Briggan curls around them protectively. It takes a long time for him to quiet and even then she knows this is barely the start of all the emotions that must be brewing in him. She can’t quite say he’s lost his innocence because truly any of that childish naivety died with Tarik but even as he grew into a stronger leader he’d always still been Conor, sweet golden Conor who you could always count on for a smile.
He looks like a ghost of the person he was before and she can only hope with time and Rollan’s help they can coax him out again, helping him put those pieces back together. “I’m sorry” Conor whispers against her and she figures he’s at least a bit embarrassed like she would be “Nope we’re not doing that, you haven’t done anything to apologize for just- get up and take a bath and eat.”
Conor nods weakly as he pulls back, wiping at his cheeks, before she can think better of it she presses a kiss to his forehead, at least the cut along his hairline has faded to a small red line with Jhi’s attention. He doesn’t quite make eye contact but she squeezes his knee “Jhi and I are going to check on Takoda but I’m serious about the bath, I’ll send someone in with hot water okay?” Conor nods and she slips out, taking a deep breath before finding someone to help with heating up the water.
She checks on Takoda and Xanthe and unfortunately Kovo who all seem alright. As much as she still dislikes and distrusts the gorilla, he’s been diligent in his protection of Takoda since he got hurt. It’s bizarre because he’d been willing to destroy the entire world if he could take the Wyrm down as well, not caring how many people were hurt, but in the end he’d risked everything to save Takoda. She will never forgive him for what he did but she finally trusts Takoda when he insists that if nothing else Kovo is on his side and he’s on theirs.
She’s relieved to see that all his wounds are healing nicely and Xanthe seems to be a bit more adjusted now to the light and food above ground, at first it had upset her stomach but she’s happily eating the beef stew, laughing with Takoda as Kovo huffs heavily in the corner. She leaves once she’s checked up on him and fetches more stew and bread from the galley for Conor, determined to make him eat.
She doesn’t think he’s lying or anything but she’s not leaving anything up to chance, she wants him to reunite with Rollan as looked after as possible, she owes her friend that at least even if she couldn’t protect him.
She did her best, now isn’t the time to dwell on what happened. If she’s honest with herself it had happened before she’d even come back from Zhong but that doesn’t stop her from feeling like she should’ve done more to delay the inevitable.
She’s making up for it with soup.
Knocking on Conor’s door she waits, truly the last thing she wants is to see him in the bath but he calls for her to come in quietly so she pushes the door open. Someone clearly brought him fresh clothes because he’s wearing clean brown trousers and a loose linen shirt, his hair is clean for the first time in months and she almost forgot how blonde it is when it’s not weighed down by weeks of grease, sweat, dirt, and blood. Maybe it’s wishful thinking but she could swear he looks better than he did before and she hopes that maybe the bath really did help.
“I brought you food, didn’t want the kitchen to run out” it’s a ridiculous excuse and they both know it but it gets a small smile from Conor as she joins him and Briggan on the bed, watching him carefully to make sure he eats and eats enough. She’s satisfied when the bowl is empty and he’s split the bread with Briggan.
“I ate are you going to stop staring now” Conor murmurs a little suspiciously and she almost feels bad “I’m just worried, I’d like to return you to Rollan in the best possible condition.” For a second Conor just stares blankly, green eyes shadowed in a way they never were before the Evertree. “I’m different now,” he admits quietly “even if it’s gone I thought things- did things-“ he gulps but doesn’t seem able to get the rest of the words out.
“He’ll be different too, war changes everyone” Conor shakes his head but still doesn’t say anything, that hollow haunted look returning as Briggan watches him intently “Nothing could change how he feels about you, how any of us feel about you. We’ll be there in a couple days and you’ll see for yourself.” Conor nods a little but leans back against the headboard and curls up against Briggan, eyes closed.
He doesn’t say anything else and her heart sinks, any progress she thought she’d made seems to have vanished as quickly as it appeared but there’s not much to do besides accepting it and moving on. She can’t change how Conor is feeling anymore than she could in those caves; she can only be there for him. So she settles in across from him and Briggan and opens her book, trusting that the wolf will have better insight into what Connor needs than she does anyway.
Unfortunately the rest of the trip continues in a similar manner, there are good moments and bad ones but the underlying issue never changes.
Conor is struggling- a lot.
His nightmares have somehow gotten worse than after the first war, he’s endlessly stuck in a loop of negative emotions, and some days he still seems physically sick. Throughout it she tells herself if she can just get him to Rollan things will be better.
And it’s finally going to happen, the journey from Southern Nilo to Eura has gone as well as they could’ve hoped and they will finally be reunited again, they can finally go home and maybe this time they’ll be able to rest.
But Conor has been a stress case all morning, pacing and chewing his bottom lip and looking on the verge of tears before finally showing up on the deck wearing new boots and a quilted navy gambeson with buckles up one side and of course his freshly washed cloak. He looks handsome and every inch the leader she knows he is with Briggan sitting proudly at his side, head nearly reaching Conor’s chest
They've all grown up so much but she knows him well enough to notice the way his hands shake and his green eyes flit around nervously, hanging back slightly as they lower the gangplank, she can see Abeke and Rollan. She’s smiling but there’s something different about it and her braids are pulled back from her face, Uraza must be in passive state.
Rollan on the other hand isn’t smiling, in fact he looks more stressed than she’s ever seen him, he was the only one out of them who watched Tarik die and she can’t imagine any reassurance will truly convince him that he hasn’t lost another of the most important people in his life after that experience. She can see the moment he sees Conor because the tension disappears from his shoulders, relief written in every line of his body.
There are so many people gathered around but that’s never stopped him before, he never cared about appearances. He runs and Conor meets him halfway, leaping into his arms as Rollan catches him. He’s holding him so tightly, whispering to him as Conor squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his boyfriend's chest.
Their reunion might not be quite as emotional but she still feels incredible relief when Abeke hugs her tightly for a moment before they both pull apart to check on Conor, they’ve all been so worried about him and she can hardly imagine being on the other side of the world while actively knowing he was in danger, seeing the effects of the Wyrm but not knowing if he was okay.
Abeke drapes herself over his back and when she’s close enough Rollan unceremoniously pulls her into them by her clothes, wrapping one arm around her too, kissing her cheek and whispering “Thank you” softly before returning his full attention to Conor. Kissing his hair a couple times and his forehead while blinking back tears. She can see Conor clinging to him too, face buried in Rollan’s chest, tears rolling down his cheeks.
Eventually they pull apart and she can’t hear what Rollan whispers to Conor but he’s straightening his mussed hair and pulling him away into the nearby inn, for what she doesn’t want to know. Abeke glances at her and suddenly they’re both laughing. It feels better than anything has in a long time.
But the boys don’t stay away long which is a relief with how anxious being away from Conor still makes her, in fact they only stay inside for half an hour before they’re returning with Rollan’s things, for now she ignores the red rimmed green eyes.
No one had wanted to be away from Greenhaven any longer than necessary, even Conor hadn’t mentioned trying to stop by his family's home- despite it being only a few days travel from where they are now. But it almost hurts more that he hasn’t asked because she knows before this happened that he would have. Rollan looks like he knows it too but he bites his lip and pulls Conor closer instead of saying something, still he’s watching her and there's a questioning look in his eyes she doesn't want to be the one to tell him what’s been going on.
Instead she keeps a bit of distance between them staying near Abeke who seems off the more she watches her as they board the ship, it feels like now that they’ve all confirmed the others are okay the last of the adrenaline has vanished and left them all exhausted and subdued.
The first time they’d saved the world everyone had been relieved and a bit elated, they all came through it and their spirit animals were okay- this time seems different, like they’ve lost more somehow and everyone’s spirits are down. She doesn’t know what is going on with the others yet but it’s obvious Rollan is trying to distract Abeke with the least competitive game of cards any of them has ever played. Conor is sprawled on the bed while Rollan and Abeke play quietly and Rollan is leaning back against the wood, tilting his head back for a scalp massage as Conor fidgets with his messy hair.
Fancy outer layers of clothes are scattered around the cabin floor as they lounge around in undershirts and trousers, Briggan is sprawled across the bed with Conor, snout resting in his paws, but the other animals are all in dormant state.
She closes her eyes and lets herself drift for a bit, only reopening them when the card game ends and Rollan joins Conor on the bed, rubbing his shoulders as Abeke pulls her away to get food. She honestly can’t remember what they eat just that she finishes first and heads back to the room they’ve all crammed into. The door is cracked open and she really doesn’t mean to eavesdrop but she stops automatically in the doorway when she hears their quiet voices.
Through the crack she can just barely see them, Conor resting his cheek on Rollan’s chest as he tangles his fingers in mussed blonde hair. “Are you going to tell me what happened now?” He asks quietly. Conor shrugs “You already know” he says and she knows she shouldn’t be listening but she can’t tear herself away. “Con I know you” Rollan says quietly and she can’t believe this kind of seriousness is coming from him.
“It made me believe things - do things-” Conor doesn’t finish his sentence but she understands better than the rest of them ever will how that feels and even then she still can’t know what he went through, not really, not when it had been so different to Gerathorn. “I knew what was going to happen to me but there wasn’t anything I could do.”
The silence after the words is oppressive and she tries to ignore the memories, Conor yelling at them in a way he’d never do usually before dissolving into confusion and guilt, Conor with dead eyes leading The Many toward the bell tower. In those moments there hadn’t been any of him left, as horrible as that sounds it’s the truth. She knows Conor is strong and he fought it longer than anyone else but in the end it didn’t matter.
“I should’ve been there” Rollan says quietly and when she glances at them his hands are in Conor’s hair, cradling his cheek as he squeezes his eyes shut and turns his nose into Rollan’s chest. “You don’t need to tell me about it if it’s too hard I just want to know how you’re doing now and how I can help you” the words hang in the air and Connor just clutches desperately at Rollan’s shirt.
It hits her again how different they all are, how much these wars have changed them. She never would’ve imagined Rollan was capable of this level of seriousness or sincerity when they’d met but he’s had to mature just like the rest of them. They’ve all grown up, some more painfully than others.
“I can still feel it” he whispers and her heart drops even though she knows it’s impossible “I know it’s in my head but it feels real, I have nightmares and fevers- Briggan is scared and I am too- I don’t know what will help, I’m not sure it can be helped.” With each word Conor’s voice weakens until it’s shaky and barely audible. Even as the shy young shepherd he’d been when they met he never sounded like this.
Rollan has an unreadable expression on his face as he curls around Conor’s shaking body, squeezing him tightly and whispering something to him, promising him something over and over again as a horrible sob tears free from Conor’s throat. Her stomach sinks at the obvious pain and distress in his noise and she watches, heart cracking, as Rollan struggles to soothe Conor’s pain, brown skin a stark contrast against Conor’s pale freckled cheek as he sobs quietly in the dark of the bunk.
Rollan looks painfully helpless, tears shimmering on his cheeks in the dim light as he tries to hold Conor together even as he falls to pieces in his boyfriend's arms. He looks more heartbroken than she’s ever seen him, more than when Conor has been injured in the past and even more than after he lost Suka’s talisman and his mom had tried to kill him. She knows that the boys love each other but it’s something different to see it so clearly without any of the masks they wear in front of others, she feels almost guilty for watching what she knows is an incredibly private moment but she doesn’t know how to leave.
“Conor” Rollan whispers “I’m right here and I don’t care about anything you think you did. I love you alright? I love you.” He whispers fiercely as Conor sniffles wetly and presses his face into Rollan’s broad chest as he curls around him protectively, long fingers stroking the blonde strands away from Conor’s sticky cheeks “Nothing has changed for me alright? I have your back always, doesn’t matter what we’re facing.”
It’s a beautiful sentiment and one she knows applies to the rest of them as well and the words seem to ease something in Conor at least slightly as Rollan’s fingers move to the spiral scar at the center of his forehead. “It hurts all the time” he admits quietly and she tenses, he hadn’t told her that even though it’s been weeks since the Wyrms demise “I don’t know why it’s just me.” She doesn’t know what to say to that and whatever Rollan replies with is too quiet to hear.
Finally she manages to pull herself away from the door, slumping back against the wall for several minutes before Abeke returns, having finished eating. “Something wrong?” she asks and honestly what can she say “Conor’s just having a hard time I think” she responds and Abeke’s face falls, sometimes she forgets how close they are, she’d been so convinced Abeke had been helping the Devourer but Conor had stood by her since the beginning.
“It was really bad wasn’t it?” Abeke asks quietly and she just nods as Abeke walks past her and pushes through the door. Conor is curled up on one of the beds with Rollan pressed against his back, it’s obvious they’ve both been crying but Conor’s pale skin is red and splotchy, his green eyes blinking sluggishly at them as Abeke kneels in front of the bed. Her fingers stroking his blonde hair before leaning forward and pressing her lips to the white scar coiled on his forehead.
Not wanting to stay back anymore she moves to sit beside Abeke, leaning her shoulder against the wooden bedframe while her head rests against Conor’s hip and Rollan’s thigh. It’s hard not to imagine how different things could’ve been but at least the four of them are here together after everything. Abeke smoothing Conor’s hair back as Rollan’s hand rests on her shoulder. “It’s alright” Abeke finally says though she doesn’t sound like she believes it and when she glances over at her she sees that her shirt has shifted, her forearm below the crook of her elbow is visible but Uraza’s tattoo is missing.
Clearly there is so much they still need to talk about but for now she lets Abeke lie, let’s them all pretend they believe it. Even if it’s not true yet it will be, they’ll figure out a way to put things back together like they always do.