Work Text:
Ajax doesn't understand.
It has been a full week since the last time he saw Ayato. He is so mad MAD at Ayato for not making time for him. Ajax misses him like a madman, for fuck’s sake. His mind can't stop thinking about him, his heart can't stop longing for his presence. He will not ask too much —even a brief time for a light talk will suffice.
But, look what Ayato is doing to him right now. He didn't even reply to his messages, let alone a call. It's only on the seventh day that he receives a message saying that they should meet up. Ajax shouldn't have agreed to it easily to save his dignity, but— oh boy, who is he to pass this long-awaited opportunity.
Nonetheless, Ajax is sure he will be SO MAD the moment he sees that man again. So he goes to the appointed place in time, just enough time to make him wait a bit for Ayato to show up —it will give him a right to be smug even for a moment, as well as a reason for him to blow up.
So, why does he not?
Or, to be more precise, why can he not?
The moment Ayato gets off the train, the rain has just stopped falling, leaving a light shower that only falls slightly by the autumn breeze. His black turtleneck looks so comfortable with his brown long coat. His color looks so fitting with all the falling leaves despite the color of his hair that looks out of place.
But, the most important thing is: his soft smile. That soft smile looks even more gentle under the sunshine after the rain. The damn soft smile that always takes his breath away, it really blooms only when Ayato’s gaze lands on him amidst the crowd.
So, how can one expect to get mad on that pretty face?
“Have you waited for long?”
Ajax should have nodded. He should have taken out his rage and made a long speech on how Ayato shouldn't leave him without a word —or maybe even slap him if it will make Ajax feel any better. But, instead, he shakes his head. His lips form a small smile as his heart beats faster —totally not as he desires. “No.”
Ayato smiles. Ajax swears it is even softer than before. Sometimes he wonders how Ayato can manage to make a smile that soft.
“Let's go then,” Ayato says as he offers him a hand to hold.
So Ajax reaches his hand, intertwining their fingers that fit perfectly. They walk in silence despite the essay that Ajax has prepared in his heart waiting to be said out loud. It is just like any other times —Ayato always succeeds to make him feel calm, so serene, as if the rage he felt earlier evaporates like the remaining rain that showers so lightly.
It doesn't take long before they can see the sea. The waves move calmly despite the slow drop of its temperature. It is the middle of autumn, and it's getting dark —even the sun is about to set, so it's not surprising if the beach is almost empty.
“You look lovely today,” Ayato says just when they reach the beach. “Are you sure you want to hang out here? The sands will make your clothes dirty.”
“It's okay,” Ajax says with a hoarse voice —maybe he has been silent for a little too long. So he clears his throat before he says, “I always love to see you under the setting sun.”
And then Ayato smiles, so beautifully just like how it has always been. And just how it has always been, his heart skipped a beat all the same. It makes Ajax think that maybe a beach is not a right place for them to hang out. Maybe they should just go to the nearby diner, so he can see Ayato drink his stupid milk tea instead of making him almost get a heart attack with that damn pretty smile.
“You make me want to kiss you right now,” Ayato says as he gives his hand a soft squeeze. “So, how is your week?”
And so Ajax starts to babble about his week —about his annoying works, about his annoying clients, about his stupid projects that sometimes meet a dead end. Ayato chuckles sometimes, leaving a light comment here and there to validate his feelings. Sometimes, he leaves a suggestion too to help with his problem.
“Let’s stop talking about me. What is this? A therapy?” Ajax says as he makes a light step to avoid the wave that comes closer. “I missed you, you know.”
Ayato makes a little laugh as he holds his hand firmly, stopping him from falling to the cold water. “I know,” he says shortly. “That's why I ask for a meet up.”
Ajax lets out a grunt noise. He needs to let Ayato know that he sulks, for sure.
“At least tell me that you missed me too, damn it.”
Ayato chuckles even louder, then he talks about his week to even out. He talks about everything —even the smallest thing, like how Taroumaru dislikes his new brand of dry food.
Ajax chuckles sometimes. His lips can't stop smiling despite what he feels the entire week. His mind gets lighter the longer Ayato talks, making his heart feel so at ease like he no longer has a problem to think of.
“It's getting dark,” Ayato says as he watches the sun set slowly into the sea. “Should we get dinner?”
“Sure,” Ajax says lightly. “What do you want to eat?”
“You,” Ayato answers shortly as he turns his head to face him. His lips form a tiny smile that looks so alluring with the soft shade of the sunset. “I want to eat you.”
Ajax chuckles. “Should have said it earlier instead of whatever things you talked about.”
Ayato makes a light laugh before he leans in, eliminating the space between their faces. Ayato kisses his lips softly before he decides to suck his lips, kissing him messy. His heart beats faster as Ayato pulls his waist to kiss him deeper, as if Ayato wants him any closer. So he wraps his arms around Ayato’s neck, sometimes pushing his nape to deepen their kiss.
“Let's get a room,” Ajax whispers in between their kisses.
Ayato pays no mind to his word, he keeps sucking his lips like his life depends on it. Ajax whimpers as Ayato bites his lips. He pulls himself away before Ayato makes a deeper kiss in an open space.
“So you do miss me too,” Ajax says with a smirk.
“I’ve always been,” Ayato says before he drags him back to the main road, walking fast to the small house they rent. He holds his hand the entire journey, occasionally kissing his knuckles like he tries so hard not to kiss him on the lips.
Ajax chuckles. It has always been like this. No matter how many weeks have passed, the flame in Ayato's eyes always looks the same whenever his gaze lands on him. It always makes Ajax’s heart flutter. Sometimes his stomach churns after all the butterflies flying around inside.
It doesn't take long before he finds himself lying on the bed with Ayato on top of him. Ayato kisses his lips, his necks, his chest, his belly —he kisses any spot his eyes can lay on.
Ajax moans, especially when Ayato sucks his skin, leaving a faint shade of red all over his body. His eyes flutter slowly with every move Ayato’s lips make. His hands squeeze Ayato’s hair messy.
The room is filled with light laughs, with light moans, with soft whispers they made when they call each other’s name. It happens for minutes, for hours, for a whole night —until dinner time has long passed, until the moon rises so high in the night sky.
Ajax looks far to the big window in their room, looking at the faint light of the fireflies. He holds Ayato’s hand that rests on his waist, hugging him firmly on the bed. He can feel the warmth of Ayato's breath on his nape, tickling the back of his neck that somehow always makes him long for it whenever he is not around.
“Ayato.”
“Hm?”
“My heart hurts.”
Ayato doesn't say anything, but Ajax can feel he tightens his hug. He can feel Ayato's soft lips kiss his nape before he hears him reluctantly ask, “Should we stop then?”
Ajax bites his lips. He can feel his eyes burn —they always burn whenever they talk about the topic. He knows that he shouldn't have brought it up, it will hurt him more. But he can't, he needs to let out the pain in his heart so he can keep going.
“No,” Ajax says, his voice sounds so cracked he doesn't like it. “I don't want to lose you again. You don't look happy either.”
Ayato falls back silent. The kiss on his nape feels so much softer before Ayato whispers, “Indeed.”
It's Ajax's turn to fall silent. He blinks fast, chasing away any hot tears that start to well up.
“If it hurts too much,” Ayato whispers. “I will let you go, Ajax.”
Ajax remains silent, he squeezes Ayato’s hand gently as he tries not to cry. He can feel Ayato's warm breath on his nape as he whispers, making him long for his touch even more.
“I can't let myself be happy if it costs your heart.”
“It's okay,” Ajax whispers back. He closes his eyes, trying to block any light to his burning eyes. “It hurts sometimes. But it's okay, I can manage. As long as I can see you happy, I can endure it all.”
“You don't have to.”
“I have to,” Ajax says, ignoring the choke that makes his throat hurt. “And when you can finally find happiness in your marriage, I promise I too will let you go.”
“It's never, then,” Ayato says almost immediately. His lips find their way back to Ajax’s nape, leaving one more soft kiss that Ajax feels like he can't get enough of.
Ajax doesn't say a word. His mind rushes thinking whether or not whatever they are currently doing is wrong.
It feels wrong, it sounds wrong. But his heart can't let Ayato go, not with all the beautiful memories Ajax always holds onto, not with that facade Ayato always wears to please his grandfather.
It's okay.
It's not a matter.
As long as he can see the genuine smile that only blooms when Ayato's gaze lands on him, everything is worth the sin.
So Ajax lets his lips form a tiny smile. A soft chuckle escapes before he says, “Yeah.”
Ayato laughs along as he tightens his hug, touching his neck with countless soft kisses he can make. It tickles, so Ajax laughs aloud, almost forgetting the pain that fills his heart.
“I love you, Ajax.”
Ajax smiles. No matter how many times he has heard those words, his heart races all the same. So he turns around, facing the man who gets all the love in his heart, staring at the orbs that always look at him with a gaze full of devotion.
“I love you too, my love.”
─────────🧋🐋─────────
When the morning comes, they spend a little more time on the bed, relishing every minute in each other’s arms before they have to part at the end of the day.
They wash each other’s hair, they clip each other’s nails, they kiss each other’s lips whenever a moment suffices.
They explore the small town, they dine, they shop. They walk around drinking the stupid milktea that Ayato always loves. They laugh a lot as if they don't have a problem in the world, as if they go back to the good old days —when everything was so much simpler, when they had to worry about nothing at all.
Ajax always enjoys this time around. It makes him realize that there are remnants of his life when everything feels okay. It makes him realize that he is just the same boy he used to be before everything becomes a mess. For one full day he can be himself, forgetting everything that he must face in his life.
“I want to be with you forever.”
Ayato smiles. He squeezes Ajax's hand in his hold gently. “We will.”
Ajax smiles back. Maybe in another life they will.
─────────🧋🐋─────────
“Why don't we get on the same train?”
Ajax sighs. His brows furrow, he doesn't understand the way Ayato thinks sometimes. “We have talked about this before.”
“I know, but it's not like we get off in the same station.” Ayato insists. “I don't care if anyone finds out. I just want to spend more time with you.”
Ajax falls silent. His gaze lands on the train that's just arrived on the railway. The sun is about to set again, meaning it has been a full 24 hours they've been together. It was short indeed. But they need to go back, or else the risk of getting found out will become higher.
But Ayato always says that. He always acts like he can drop everything he has just for whatever thing they are having. He always acts like everything means nothing as long as they are together.
But Ajax can't. Or, to be more precise, he shouldn't. He still has his siblings to protect. He shouldn't be selfish and let them get hurt if people find out that he has an affair with a married blue blood.
“You just don't care about me, do you?”
“It's not like that,” Ayato says as he wraps his palm around his hand. “I'm sorry.”
“Call me, then.”
“We have talked about this.”
“But you said you're sorry,” Ajax says, almost a pitch higher. He turns his face to find Ayato looking at him with guilt. It makes his heart clenched. It makes his eyes burn with all the pain he feels. “Text me back at the very least.”
“I will try,” Ayato says before he pulls him to his embrace. His lips don't stop whispering apology. Ayato hugs him for a long while, so Ajax closes his eyes, relishing every second that might not come again in the near future.
“It's time for my train to depart,” Ajax says quietly before he pulls away. His eyes find their way to stare back at the man before him. “See you next week?”
Ayato makes a faint smile. His thumb touches the corner of Ajax’s eyes, softly wiping a wild tear before he leans in to kiss his forehead. “We will see.”
“Yeah,” Ajax murmurs with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. “I will miss you.”
“I will miss you so much more,” Ayato says with a face full of sorrow, like he doesn't want to let go, like he doesn't want to part once more.
So Ajax quickly waves his hand goodbye before he walks fast to his train, fighting hard the urge to stay. The tail of his eyes can catch how Ayato walks closer to the window of his seat, smiling softly as he knocks on it.
“Text me when you get home,” Ayato says with the motion of his lips.
Ajax nods before the departure announcement can be heard. So Ajax waves his hand once again, which then Ayato returns with a soft smile on his lips. He can see Ayato keeps waving his hand until he is out of his sight.
Ah, it hurts.
No matter how many times they have gone through this parting, his heart still aches all the same. Maybe it's impossible to get used to this pain.
It hasn't even been 5 minutes, for fuck’s sake, and his heart has longed for Ayato all over again.
Ah, what a sinner he is.
After all, he is not the one Ayato has an oath with.
After all, he is just a high school sweetheart that loses him to a political marriage.
‘30 missed calls, 49 unread messages’
After all, he still has to pay back the love he gets from the heart of another man.
“Diluc, I'm sorry,” Ajax says just after the line connects. “My phone was out of battery.”
Lies. He turned it off the moment he held Ayato's hand.
Ajax can hear a faint sigh from the other line. Diluc doesn't say anything for a moment before he says, “I was worried.”
“I'm sorry,” Ajax says, either for ignoring his calls or for the lie he just said.
“It's okay,” Diluc says, almost sounding helpless, like he doesn't know what to do with him anymore. “Where are you now?”
It's always like this.
Diluc always forgives him like it's nothing. It makes the guilt in his heart unbearable sometimes. It makes him think that maybe he should tell Diluc the truth —even when it seems Diluc has known it all along, especially with all the love marks Ayato left every time they meet.
Diluc definitely deserves someone better, someone who treasures him dearly like how he deserves.
“The train,” Ajax answers shortly. “I was doing fieldwork and now I'm going back.”
“I see,” Diluc says. Ajax can hear the pattering rain on the other line. “I will pick you up from the station.”
“No, it's okay, Dee. I brought my umbrella.”
“No, let me pick you up,” Diluc says firmly. “Please.”
And that's how it's always going.
No matter how many times Ajax pushes Diluc away, he always finds his way back to get closer. It makes it hard for Ajax to refuse somehow, let alone to tell him not to meet him anymore.
“Okay,” Ajax answers quietly. “Thank you.”
“Alright, see you soon,” Diluc says. Somehow, Ajax can see a smile within his words.
The line is cut off almost immediately, leaving Ajax alone again with his thoughts. So he closes his eyes, putting his head on the window. He wants to sleep the entire journey off so the guilt has no time to consume his heart.
It doesn't take long before he drifts off, giving in to the dream world as he waits for the train to stop.
And then he dreams.
Ayato is all he can see. He smiles, he laughs, he stares at him with so much love. It plays like a broken record in his head. It makes him want to go back and hug him tight.
He hopes it won't be too long before he can see Ayato again.
─────────🦉🐋─────────
The moment he wakes up, he is one station away from his destination.
Diluc calls again, saying that he has arrived, waiting for him near the exit gate. Ajax hums shortly with a thick trail of sleep in his voice. He can hear Diluc chuckles before the line is cut off.
Ajax walks to the exit gate immediately after he gets off. There, he can see Diluc waits for him patiently, his red hair looks so radiant with his black outfit. Ajax can see a soft smile blooming on his pretty face the moment his gaze lands on him.
Ah, why does it remind him of a certain someone.
“Have you waited for long?”
“No,” Diluc says almost immediately. He extends his hand forward as he says, “Let's go home?”
Ajax nods, reaching his hand to hold. He walks silently, staring at Diluc's back that looks firm before him. He looks warm, he feels warm. He always makes him feel warm when he feels all miserable.
And that's when the guilt comes back.
It has been so many years since the first time he held Diluc's hand, yet he still hasn't had the heart to reciprocate his feelings. It is as if he doesn't have anything left in his heart the moment he meets Ayato. It is as if Ayato takes his whole heart and never returns it back after all this time.
“I'm sorry.”
Diluc stops just before they step out into the rain that falls so loudly. He turns his head to face him, staring at him confused. “Did you say something?”
“No,” Ajax says shortly as he opens his umbrella. “Let's go home quick. I'm still half asleep.”
Diluc chuckles. His laugh sounds delightful amidst the loud patter of rain. His smile feels warm like the sunset, warming his heart amidst the cold winds.
So Ajax smiles back, returning the beautiful smile Diluc wears solely for him. It's the least he can do when he can't return his love. He knows it won't make up for the sin he has made, but at least he (hopefully) can pay back the warmth he always receives.