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I wake up in Natsuki’s bedroll. I’ve been doing a lot of that these days.
It’s funny how much this little studio apartment feels like my home now, almost more so than the big, loving house I grew up in.
The more involved I get with the club, the more alone I feel when I spend days in my room playing video games or watching anime.
I had never felt like I needed to move out, and my parents had never put any pressure on me to do so. I’m grateful for that.
But when I think about the huge promise I’d made to Yuri last night, I realize that it sort of feels… right to think about moving out.
I have a job. I have people in my life who mean so much to me now. And for the first time since high school, they’re not in my immediate family.
Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.
For our breakthrough with Yuri last night, I decide to get up a little early and cook us a celebratory breakfast of eggs and hash browns.
Not long after I start cooking, and the sound and smell of frying potatoes fills the tiny studio, I hear a low mumble from Natsuki.
Natsuki: “Save some for me?”
Mochi: “We’ll both get a portion.”
Natsuki: “Mmm…”
She turns on her side and dozes off again.
I can’t wait to do this every day.
…
As Natsuki and I polish off our breakfast, we get a text in the group chat.
Monika: hi all! :D yuri is getting settled in today.
Monika: we didn’t get the chance to get any of her clothes or other essentials, so we need to go shopping and get some new stuff.
Monika: i wanted to ask if you guys would want to make a day out of it! hang out at the mall and pick up things for her and stuff!
Monika: plus, i think she kinda deserves to have a makeover, right?
Natsuki squeals out loud.
Natsuki: “Yesss!!!”
Then, she types into her phone:
Natsuki: YESSSSSSSSSSS
Natsuki: 💖✨🎉💗✨🎆🎇💖❣️
Natsuki: yuri we r gna make u SOOOO hot 🥵
Natsuki: omg i have so much makeup i wanna try on u
Natsuki: i wanna goth u up sooooo baaaade 🖤🖤🖤
Yuri, who rejoined the group last night, types slowly.
Yuri: Thank you very much for your enthusiasm, Natsuki! I am excited to indulge this side of me once more.
Yuri: Once Monika and I have eaten, we will come by and pick you two up. Does that sound good?
Natsuki: yesss 🖤
Mochi: Awesome! Super down!
Natsuki, in real life, pushes my shoulder and jeers gently.
Natsuki: “God, you write like an AI. Cyber-girlfriend.”
I grin.
Mochi: “You don’t know for sure that I’m not.”
Natsuki: “Aw, crap, am I failing the Turing test?”
I speak with a robotic monotone.
Mochi: “You are in love with! A ro-bot!”
She laughs.
Mochi: “Oh no! I am experiencing hu-man fee-lings!”
Mochi: “Natsuki… Is this… ‘love????’”
She baps me on the shoulder.
Natsuki: “Jesus, you’re so stupid.”
She kisses me on the cheek. I return the favor.
…
Natsuki and I hop into the back seat of Monika’s car. Yuri is sitting shotgun. We both notice something immediately.
Natsuki: “Hey, is that Monika’s dress?”
Yuri is wearing that pretty black dress with the purple floral pattern that Monika had worn at her art show.
Yuri blushes.
Yuri: “Um, well… I needed something to wear, and this really stood out to me.”
Monika: “It fits her style way better than it fits mine, so I told her she can keep it!”
Mochi: “You look amazing in it.”
Natsuki: “Yeah, wow, you look more like yourself already!”
Yuri looks bashfully out the window, playing with her hair.
Somehow, the dress looks more “gothic” on Yuri than it ever did on Monika.
I guess it’s amplified a bit by the shimmering, silvery tone of her hair. It makes sense why she went for that color.
Natsuki drums on the back of Monika’s seat.
Natsuki: “Okay, we’ve gotta get you, like, a TON of new clothes—and that’s even if you HAD taken your stuff when you left. Those pastel dresses were SO not you.”
Natsuki: “We should prioritize stuff that’s, like, comfy and really loose, so you can wear it as you get bigger—”
Natsuki: “How far along are you? By the way?”
Yuri: “Um—about five and a half months.”
Natsuki: “Damn. Okay, yeah. Hey, unrelated, but Monika?”
Monika: “What?”
Natsuki: “I know you’re, like, ethically against meat production and stuff, but you should grab some chicken and some steak the next time you go grocery shopping.”
Natsuki: “And pizza, and—really, just, anything savory and high-calorie that you don’t usually get.”
Natsuki: “Y’know, since Yuri’s eating for two.”
Monika: “That’s good to note, Kiki. Yeah, my fridge isn’t exactly stocked for a pregnant woman.”
Yuri: “May I also request olives and sardines?”
Natsuki: “Wow, gross! You heard the lady!”
Monika: “Okay, okay, I hear you! I’m going to bring Yuri with me when I go grocery shopping tomorrow, and I’ll let her do a lot of the picking.”
Natsuki: “Oh, yeah, and make sure you get some prenatal vitamins, too!”
Yuri giggles.
Yuri: “You certainly know a lot about this, Natsuki. I very much appreciate your enthusiasm.”
Natsuki waves it off.
Natsuki: “Yeah, well, it comes with being a girl!”
Mochi: “It does? I must have missed that memo.”
Natsuki: “Well… whatever!”
Now, despite her prior enthusiasm, Natsuki suddenly sounds very eager to change the subject.
Natsuki: “Anyway, maybe we should all get matching outfits! Wouldn’t that be so cute? It could be something super simple, like a sweater and pajama pants or something.”
Monika: “Oh! I love matching outfits!”
Monika: “I’ll be on the lookout for something cute!”
The conversation continues on, but I keep thinking about Natsuki’s sudden deflection and change of the subject.
It sounded like how she used to refuse compliments outright in high school. It didn’t sound much like the more confident and self-assured girl I love so much.
Is something on her mind…?
…
Yuri: “Oh, look…”
We’re in a clothing store poring through everything we can find in a women’s extra-large.
Or, at least, I’m pretty sure that’s what a size 22 is? Yuri is the tallest girl I’ve ever met, and she needs room for her bump, so I assume that’s what we’re looking for.
Yuri’s found a big, beige sweater with an ostentatiously-thick turtleneck. It’s wide enough around that I can tell it’ll be really loose.
Yuri: “I had a sweater like this in high school… it was a favorite of mine when I wanted to look cute and presentable.”
Yuri: “I know it is still summer, but I feel as though I must have this one. Can we afford it?”
Monika: “Oh, yeah! Again, don’t worry about affording it. I already talked to my parents, and our budget is pretty expansive.”
Yuri drops the sweater into our basket, then giggles, shaking her hands happily.
Yuri: “Ahh, my own fashion sense…”
The basket is full of black, purple, and neutral-colored garments she’s picked out.
Suddenly, Natsuki nudges my arm.
I turn towards her, and she presents a white sundress with tiny pink-and-green flowers printed onto it. She holds it up to me with a big grin.
Natsuki: “Hey, I think you’d look really pretty in this!”
Natsuki: “Wanna try it on?”
I look around nervously.
Mochi: “I… I don’t know. I mean, it’s not like I’d buy it.”
She frowns.
Natsuki: “But why not? It goes with that bucket hat you like!”
Mochi: “I mean, yeah, but it’s… I dunno.”
Mochi: “When would I even wear it?”
Natsuki: “What do you mean? It’s just a dress. You can wear it whenever you wanna look cute.”
Natsuki: “Every girl needs a dress or two.”
I don’t feel like it’s really my style, but I suppose it couldn’t hurt to give it a try.
Mochi: “Uh, sure, I can try it on.”
I take the dress, staring anxiously at it.
I feel a strange sense of dread at the thought of trying it on. What if I just look terrible in it?
A gasp from Natsuki diverts my attention.
Natsuki: “Yuri, look!”
All of us look and see that she’s found the section for baby clothes.
Natsuki: “Oh my gooood!”
Natsuki: “Oh my god, Yuri, do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”
Yuri giggles.
Yuri: “I feel as though I need some ostentatious, environmentally-destructive demonstration to deliver that information…”
Yuri: “But, since I don’t have that, I suppose I will settle for telling you directly:”
Yuri: “The baby is female.”
A high-pitched scream rips out of Natsuki’s throat and reverberates through the store as she jumps up and down excitedly.
I watch Natsuki buzz as she catalogs through all the silly little onesies and tiny dresses. Then, I look down at the sun dress she’s handed me.
I mean, I’ve worn dresses before… but not in at least ten years.
Back when Sayori and I were little and we fit into each other’s clothes, we’d try on stuff from each other’s closets when we slept over.
I always gravitated to her dresses because they made me laugh when I saw myself in the mirror. For years, I’d assumed it was amusement, not happiness.
We had to stop, unfortunately, as Sayori got chubbier and I got taller, and I stopped feeling comfortable seeing myself in her clothes or makeup.
I sigh. I should try it on. I owe it to myself.
…
For some reason, I’m terrified to even enter a fitting room. I guess I’m worried the woman standing out front will clock me, but she lets me in along with Yuri and Monika.
I try not to look at the mirror as I undress. Time to… try on the sundress.
Why do I feel so sick all of a sudden?
It feels like concrete has been poured into my stomach as I pull it over my head like a shirt. It hugs and stretches around my gut, and bares my broad, meaty shoulders.
I take a look at myself and everything in my belly jumbles together. I’m appalled.
I look awful. I’m not pulling it off at all. I look like the punchline of a poorly-aged scene from a 90’s comedy movie.
Natsuki wanted me to send a selfie, but I can’t show her myself looking like this. I’d be more comfortable just naked in front of her.
(Then again, there’s at least some precedent for that…)
I hastily pull the dress back off of me, wondering if I need to start suppressing the urge to vomit or if this nasty feeling will go away on its own.
After retreating into the safety of a nondescript T-shirt and jeans, I head out of the fitting room with my head lowered in humiliated defeat. Outside, Natsuki awaits.
Natsuki: “How’d it go? Hey, you okay?”
I dump the dress into the basket so someone can re-hang it.
Mochi: “I’m…”
I stop myself from saying “I’m fine.” I told Natsuki I would be more open with what hurts me, so I should honor that.
Mochi: “I just don’t look good in that sort of thing.”
Natsuki frowns.
Natsuki: “Sure you do.”
Mochi: “Yeah, well, I know what I saw.”
Natsuki: “Hey. It’s… all of us feel like that the first time. Really.”
Natsuki: “I mean, even when I was a freshman in high school, the first time I saw myself in a dress, I actually got so upset I threw up.”
Natsuki: “I still have days like that, honestly. Hoodie days. You know?”
I nod.
Mochi: “I get what you mean…”
Mochi: “Still, I bet it’s a lot different when you’re as pretty as you are.”
Natsuki rolls her eyes.
Natsuki: “Don’t be saying that like you’re not pretty too. Or like I take it for granted that I’m hot.”
Natsuki: “We’ve both got the disease that tells us our natural body is just totally wrong and messed-up, remember?”
Natsuki: “All the stuff you’re telling yourself right now is stuff I told myself a lot when I was starting out, and stuff I still have to iron out when I catch myself saying it.”
Natsuki: “So, like, don’t listen to what your brain is saying about how you look. Listen to me. I’m always right.”
Natsuki: “And I think you better pick that sundress back up and buy it for yourself.”
Natsuki: “There’ll be a day eventually where you’ll be so thankful you decided to keep it.”
I look back at the clump of patterned white at the top of the bin.
Mochi: “Are you sure?”
She nods assertively.
Natsuki: “Having a dress is better than not having a dress, I promise!”
Mochi: “Alright, I’m trusting you on this one.”
I pick the dress back up, roll it up in my hands, and press it against my chest.
We step back away from the fitting room area and wait for Yuri.
(And Monika, who’s apparently… helping her? We think?)
We hear the sound of them giggling before we see them. Both of their faces are flushed.
Suspicious…
Monika drops the couple of garments she was holding in the return bin, while Yuri holds onto the rest.
Natsuki: “You, uh, have fun?”
Yuri blushes clear up to her ears. Monika giggles.
Monika: “I’d say so!”
As we continue our tour of the mall and look through different stores, our suspicions are confirmed: Yuri and Monika are definitely flirting.
Monika seems to be the one making the most aggressive moves, but Yuri seems to be enjoying the positive attention. After the way that guy treated her, I don’t blame her.
As Monika talks Yuri into a lingerie shop, Natsuki and I just kind of watch in disbelief.
Mochi: “Man. She is really putting the moves on her.”
Natsuki: “Yeah. I guess Monika’s just kind of a slut?”
Mochi: “I mean, hey, they live together and sleep in the same room.”
Mochi: “You know Monika’s been looking for someone to hold onto at night. Maybe that’s what’s going on.”
Mochi: “Remember how forward she was with that guy at the entertainment center?”
Natsuki: “God, yeah.”
Natsuki: “Wait, but I thought I was the girl she held onto at night…”
Natsuki looks wounded. I pat her shoulder, then bend down to kiss her on the cheek.
Mochi: “Yeah, but you’re too busy being the girl I hold onto at night. And it’s not like we can share.”
Natsuki: “Ghkk—!”
Natsuki’s so stunned by my response that she falls into a flustered silence. She crosses her arms and gives me a cold shoulder. I pat myself on the back for that one.
I peek over to check on Monika and Yuri. Monika has procured a measuring tape and is wrapping it around Yuri’s chest, saying something that makes Yuri hide her face and wiggle her body.
Mochi: “I think they’re gonna be in there for a while. D’you wanna go in and find some stuff for you?”
Natsuki’s response is soft. She sounds like she’s still embarrassed.
Natsuki: “Nahhh…”
Mochi: “Well, then…”
I look around for stuff to do in the meantime.
But Natsuki beats me to the punch.
Natsuki: “Oh! Oh, oh, oh, look!”
She points out what looks like just… a shoe store, to me. I’m not sure what’s interesting about it to her.
Natsuki: “PLEASE let me go look. I don’t even think I’ll buy anything, I just wanna look.”
This particular drive of Natsuki’s has always confused me, but I have no reason to say no.
Mochi: “Alright, sure.”
She practically drags me over there, and I just kind of idle around and watch her burst with joy at the cute sneakers and boots she finds.
Natsuki: “Awww, oh my god!”
She zips over to the kids’ section, picking out some display shoes to show to me.
They’re disconcertingly small to me. They fit in the palm of Natsuki’s hand—and her hands are pretty little.
Natsuki: “Isn’t it so cute? Oh my gosh, I could die!”
Mochi: “Man. How do kids walk on feet that little?”
Natsuki holds them close to her chest.
Natsuki: “D’you think we should buy these for Yuri?”
That strikes me strangely.
Mochi: “Um, I feel like we should let her decide that… and also, it kinda just sounds like you want them for yourself, for some reason?”
Her entire demeanor changes as I observe that. She instantly becomes snappy and defensive.
Natsuki: “Well, no! It’s for her! It’s not like I’m having a baby or anything!”
The words come across like a joke, but her tone sounds a lot like when she’s intently denying attraction to someone. Usually this tone means the opposite of what she says is true.
But that’s really weird, because Natsuki definitively cannot have a baby unless we adopt. It totally messes up my ability to read her.
Mochi: “Um… is there something I should know about?”
She huffs indignantly.
Natsuki: “I just wish I could have a baby, okay? That’s it.”
Mochi: “Wha—but you can! I mean, we’re going to have a baby in a couple months, right?”
Natsuki: “That’s not what I mean, Mochi. It’s different.”
Natsuki: “I just wish I was the one who was pregnant. Especially since I know how hard it is for her.”
Natsuki: “It’s… some dumb thing I’ve wanted since I was a teen. Like, from the moment I knew I was a girl.”
Natsuki: “I love kids…”
She crosses her arms defensively and lowers her head, sad and embarrassed to admit that to me.
Natsuki: “Like…”
Natsuki: “When I was around that age, Mama got pregnant again…”
Natsuki: “And I was just so happy at the thought of having a baby sibling. I imagined it’d be a little sister, and I could braid her hair and stuff.”
Mochi: “What happened…?”
She swallows, and speaks in a low mumble.
Natsuki: “I lost my Mama instead.”
She takes a long, deep breath in, then exhales. I simply sit with the weight of that admission, unsure how to respond.
Mochi: “Uh…”
Mochi: “I’m really sorry, Nats. That’s… I’m really sorry.”
Mochi: “Do you want the baby shoes?”
Natsuki looks down at them, then shakes her head and puts them back.
Natsuki: “Not really.”
I feel like I haven’t done enough to cheer her up.
Mochi: “Well… I guess, the good news is, you’re getting a daughter, kinda.”
Mochi: “Even if you didn’t carry her yourself, you’ll still get to play with her and braid her hair.”
Mochi: “And, I mean, she’d probably even call you her mama.”
That seems to light up her eyes.
Natsuki: “You think so?”
Mochi: “Yeah! We’d all kinda be her moms, right?”
Mochi: “You’ll probably be her favorite.”
Natsuki: “Her favorite…”
She grins uncontrollably at the thought of it. She hugs me.
Natsuki: “You really know how to make a girl smile, Moch.”
I hug her back.
Mochi: “I learned from the best.”
…
After Natsuki puts the shoes back where she found them, we decide to go out and explore the mall.
I used to go here all the time with Sayori, so I’m on the lookout for any fun stuff that hasn’t gone bankrupt and gotten replaced in the 5 years since we’d last done that.
Suddenly, something jumps out at me.
Mochi: “Oh, yo, the sweets shop’s still here!”
Natsuki perks up and follows my gaze. Her jaw drops.
Natsuki: “Holy crap, we’ve GOTTA check that out.”
The sweets shop is primarily a place for buying candy in bulk. Various candies sit unpackaged in lidded bowls, and you’re supposed to scoop them up with a little ladle and pour them in a bag.
But when I used to go here with Sayori, we would have the most fun snooping through their big fridges for the craziest novelty sodas we could find.
So, while Natsuki immediately grabs a big bag and eagerly begins shoveling jawbreakers into it, I beeline for those fridges and gaze through the big glass panes for something weird.
I don’t really find anything I’ve not tried before.
I suppose flavors like “chocolate,” “peanut butter and jelly,” or “bacon” get the most laughs on a shelf, but I’ve already tried all of them and I know they’re disgusting.
What’s the novelty here if I already know that?
I sigh, stroking my chin. The place looks the same. The feeling is much the same, too. But there’s something different now about how it affects me.
I would be excited for gross-sounding flavors like “grass” before, but it just repulses me now.
Maybe it’s because when we tried these as kids, I’d only give them a little taste, and then Sayori would drink them down like a champ. It didn’t feel like a waste of money.
So… I guess I didn’t just do this because I liked funny soda. I did it because I liked Sayori.
I look over my shoulder. Natsuki is cursing quietly as she tries to scoop some oversized gummy peach rings out of their little cup.
I laugh to myself.
Why am I concerned with the past at all right now?
I’ve got wonderful friends—and an awesome girlfriend—right here in the present.
I don’t need to chase old laughs. I can make new ones.
Mochi: “Need a hand, there?”
I head over towards Natsuki.