Chapter Text
Buck sits on Eddie’s couch, nursing his beer and watching Eddie rummage around in the kitchen. He’s doing his best to pretend he’s fine, that he’s totally okay with the fact that Tommy just broke up with him. But after everything Tommy said about Buck breaking his heart and still figuring himself out... well, it stings. More than he thought it would.
Eddie’s moving around in the kitchen, muttering to himself about where he put the last jar of salsa. Buck’s grateful for the distraction, because his mind keeps drifting to thoughts he knows he shouldn’t be having. Am I that hard to love? He wonders. Am I that much of a mess that even Tommy couldn’t stick around? Am I too much of a risk to be loved?
Part of him wants to laugh at himself—of course he’d manage to screw up his first real relationship with a guy. But mostly, he feels empty. Like something’s been pulled out of him, leaving a hollow space he doesn’t know how to fill.
He’s spent so long wanting someone, anyone, to look at him like he’s worth staying for. To feel like he could finally settle down and maybe, just maybe, be enough for someone. But then Tommy just… left, saying Buck wasn’t ready, saying he was Buck’s “first but not his last,” as if Buck’s feelings were some temporary experiment he’d outgrow.
Eddie finally emerges from the kitchen with a new beer in hand, looking fresh-faced and relaxed, like he’s just come back from vacation instead of the whole Risky Business dance routine he’d apparently been performing in his living room. He’s still wearing an old T-shirt and a pair of boxer briefs, like it’s the most natural thing in the world, and Buck tries not to let his gaze linger too long on the way the shirt hangs on Eddie’s frame, or how his legs look in that soft, dim light of the living room.
Buck clears his throat, pushing down the flicker of… something that’s rising up in him. He’s your best friend, he reminds himself. Don’t be weird.
Eddie sits down across from him, looking at him with a kind of soft intensity that makes Buck’s heart do a funny little skip. There’s something in Eddie’s eyes, something Buck can’t quite name but feels all the way down to his bones. Eddie’s always had that way of looking at him—steady, patient, like he doesn’t need Buck to be anything more than he already is. It’s comforting and maddening all at once.
“So, you gonna talk about it?” Eddie asks, cracking open his beer.
Buck shrugs, staring at the label on his own. “Not much to say. Tommy said that I still needed to figure things out.” He gives a forced laugh, but it sounds hollow. “Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just… I don’t know, doing all of this wrong.”
Eddie’s silent for a moment, studying Buck like he’s trying to piece him together. “You know,” he starts, almost as if he’s thinking out loud, “I think I finally figured some things out.”
Buck glances at him, expecting some kind of life advice. Maybe Eddie’s gonna tell him he does need to be single, to work on himself or whatever. He’s bracing himself for a lecture, for Eddie to go all dad-like, but he just looks back at him, calm and steady as ever.
“Yeah?” Buck asks, half-expecting Eddie to go into dad mode.
Eddie meets his gaze, his expression soft but serious. There’s a warmth in his eyes, something Buck can’t quite name, and it makes his breath hitch for a second.
“I’m gay,” Eddie says, just like that. Calm. Casual. Almost like he’s commenting on the weather.
The words hang in the air, and Buck’s brain screeches to a halt. He stares at Eddie, the meaning sinking in bit by bit, like his mind needs time to catch up. Eddie is… The thought doesn’t fully compute, and then— Eddie is gay.
Buck blinks. The words don’t quite register at first, like they got stuck somewhere between his ears and his brain. “You’re…?” He stops, his eyes widening. “Wait— you’re gay ?”
Eddie nods, looking almost amused at Buck’s reaction. “Yeah.”
“Like… you’re gay?” Buck repeats, his voice an octave higher. It’s taking his brain a second to catch up with his mouth, and meanwhile, his heart is doing a weird, erratic thump-thump-thump that he doesn’t really want to think about.
He’s aware that he sounds ridiculous, repeating it like it’s the most shocking revelation of his life, but it’s Eddie. His best friend. The guy he’s spent so many late nights with, just like this. And now he’s seeing him through a whole new lens he didn’t even know was there.
“Yes, Buck,” Eddie says with a slight laugh. “I’m gay.”
“Oh my god.” Buck can’t help it—he starts grinning, this wide, ridiculous smile stretching across his face. “That’s… that’s great! Eddie, that’s awesome !”
The relief and excitement bubble up before he can even think about what he’s saying. His heart feels like it’s about to burst, and he has no idea why he’s reacting so strongly. He claps Eddie on the shoulder, maybe a little too hard, and his mind immediately jumps to action. “You know what we need to do?”
Eddie raises an eyebrow, looking at Buck like he’s already regretting telling him anything. “I’m almost afraid to ask.”
“We gotta get you out there, man!” Buck exclaims, feeling like he’s on the edge of something big, his own nervous energy fueling his words. “Like, on dates. You should make a profile on one of those apps.” He pulls his phone out, already swiping through his contacts, his mind buzzing with ideas. There’s gotta be someone who would be perfect for Eddie. He’s smart, steady, handsome as hell—
Wait. Buck swallows, suddenly aware of how loudly his heart is pounding. Handsome. Handsome ? He glances at Eddie, who’s watching him with a small, bemused smile, and his stomach does a flip.
“You, uh… you know a lot about these apps?” Eddie asks, his voice low, his tone casual but his gaze intent. There’s a softness in his eyes, almost like he’s… like he’s amused, but there’s something else, too. Something that makes Buck’s chest tighten.
“W-well, I mean, no, I just—” Buck stammers, feeling his face go hot. “I don’t know, I just thought… you know, you should… get out there. Explore! Meet people. You know?”
Eddie leans back, his gaze still fixed on Buck, and there’s a hint of a smile tugging at his lips. “Right. I should ‘get out there.’” He doesn’t sound entirely convinced, but he’s humoring Buck, like he always does.
“Exactly!” Buck says, trying to rally. His voice is too loud, too enthusiastic, as if he can drown out the weird, fluttery feeling building in his chest. “I mean, you’re—you’re a catch, Eddie. Seriously. Anyone would be lucky to… to, you know…” His voice trails off as he realizes he’s staring at Eddie’s face, at those warm brown eyes and that easy smile, and something inside him shifts.
Oh, he thinks, with a sinking feeling that’s somehow both terrifying and exhilarating. Oh, no.
He’s not thinking about Tommy anymore. Not at all. He’s thinking about Eddie—Eddie, who’s right here , looking at him with that calm, steady gaze that’s seen him through every breakdown and every screw-up, the friend who’s always been there. Eddie, who just told him he’s gay, like it was a secret he’s been holding on to, and now it’s out, and—
And Buck wants him .
The realization hits him like a punch to the gut, and his heart skips a beat, then speeds up, his face heating up again. No. No way. This is Eddie. His best friend. The one person he’s never wanted to screw things up with. And besides, he’s still figuring things out. He’s only just had his first boyfriend; he can’t just… jump to Eddie. That would be selfish, unfair, probably even stupid.
But the feeling doesn’t go away. If anything, it’s getting stronger, this gnawing ache in his chest that he doesn’t know how to handle. All he knows is that he’s looking at Eddie, and he feels like he’s on the edge of something terrifying and wonderful, and he has no idea what to do with it.
“So,” Buck says, forcing himself to break eye contact, his tone a little too bright. “Any of the neighbors? I mean, come on, there’s gotta be someone that is… you know.” He gestures vaguely, hoping to divert his own attention. “Single. Gay, or bi. Like, uh, Travis from 33. Isn’t he…?”
“Buck,” Eddie interrupts, and there’s something gentle in his voice, something that makes Buck’s heart skip again. Eddie’s eyes soften, a small smile playing on his lips as he watches Buck with a look that feels too close , like Eddie’s seeing right through him. “I didn’t tell you so you could set me up with half the city.”
Buck laughs nervously, glancing away. “Right. Of course. I just… you know, I’m here for you, whatever you need.”
Eddie’s quiet for a second, then he says, softly, “Maybe I don’t need anything. Not right now.”
Buck glances back at him, feeling a strange mix of relief and disappointment. Eddie’s still watching him, that same calm, steady look in his eyes, and for a second, Buck thinks— maybe . But the fear hits him again, hard and cold. He doesn’t want to be Eddie’s first, but not his last. He doesn’t want to be a mistake Eddie regrets. He doesn’t want to be Eddie’s Tommy.
So he forces himself to smile, to laugh it off, to keep things light. “Well, whenever you’re ready to dive in, you let me know, alright?”
Eddie just shakes his head, smiling softly. “You’re something else, Buck.”
And for a moment, they just sit there, the silence stretching between them, filled with all the things Buck wants to say but can’t bring himself to. He wants Eddie—wants him so badly it scares him—but he doesn’t trust himself. Not yet.
The silence between them is comfortable, but Buck can feel his heart pounding. Eddie’s sitting so close, watching him with that familiar, easy smile, and Buck can’t stop thinking about it. The way Eddie had looked at him just now, so calm and… expectant, almost like he was waiting for Buck to say something. To do something.
A quiet warmth settles over them, and it’s making Buck feel like he’s out of his depth, like he’s swimming in waters he doesn’t know how to navigate. He clears his throat, desperate to shake off the feeling. He picks up his beer, takes a long swig, and hopes it’ll settle the jittery energy building up inside him.
But Eddie just keeps watching him, that small smile never quite leaving his face. There’s something different about the way he’s looking at Buck tonight, something warm and intense, like Eddie’s finally let down a wall that’s always been there between them. And the longer Buck sits here, the more it feels like he’s teetering on the edge of something big and irreversible.
“Thanks,” Eddie says quietly, his voice gentle, like he’s reaching out in a way that’s not entirely about words. “For being here. I knew… I knew you’d understand.”
The words make Buck’s chest ache. He does understand. He’s been through the confusing, tangled mess of figuring out who you are and what you want. He remembers how he’d felt telling people, the mix of terror and exhilaration, of wanting someone to see him and say, “It’s okay. You’re okay.” And knowing that Eddie wanted him to be the one who heard this—the first one to hear it—… it makes something inside him twist painfully.
But there’s something else in Eddie’s voice too, something that makes Buck’s heart stutter in his chest. The way he’d said it… almost like he was asking for more than just a shoulder to lean on. Almost like he was offering something, waiting to see if Buck would accept it.
No, Buck thinks, fighting against the dizzying realization that’s starting to creep in. No, he can’t mean that. I’m just… I’m reading too much into this.
But as he looks at Eddie— really looks at him—he sees it. The way Eddie’s gaze lingers just a little too long, the way his fingers tap restlessly against his beer bottle like he’s holding himself back. And then Buck feels it, a slow, dawning certainty that maybe, just maybe , Eddie wants him. Really wants him, the same way Buck’s starting to realize he wants Eddie.
The thought hits him like a tidal wave, washing over him in a rush of hope and terror. He’s barely processed the fact that he wants Eddie; the idea that Eddie might actually feel the same way is too much, too big. And underneath the excitement, there’s a shadow, a voice whispering in the back of his mind, a memory he doesn’t want to acknowledge, but can’t ignore.
“I’m not your last, I’m your first”
Tommy’s words echo in his mind, sharp and unyielding, and he feels a cold knot of fear settle in his stomach. First, but not last. That’s what Tommy had said, right before breaking up with him. Buck doesn’t want to be someone’s first, but not last. He doesn’t want to be Eddie’s mistake or some phase he’ll look back on and regret. What if Eddie’s just excited to be out and figuring things out, just like Buck had been with Tommy? What if he’s reading too much into this?
Buck clears his throat, forcing a laugh that comes out far too loud. “Well, yeah, of course. I mean, of course I understand. I’ve… been there. You know?” He’s babbling, trying to cover the panic rising in his chest. “I, uh—I remember what it was like. All the… you know, confusing feelings, and figuring things out. And, uh, trying new things.”
Eddie’s smile fades just a little, and he gives Buck a long, unreadable look. “Is that what you think I’m doing?” he asks quietly, a hint of hurt in his voice. “Trying things out?”
Buck’s stomach twists. He didn’t mean it like that— or did he? Part of him wants to believe this could be real, that Eddie could actually want him . But the fear is right there, whispering that he’ll only mess this up, that Eddie deserves better than someone like him, someone who’s barely figured himself out.
“No, I—I didn’t mean it like that,” Buck says quickly, stumbling over his words. He forces another laugh, but it sounds hollow even to his own ears. “I mean, I’m sure you… you know what you want. Obviously.”
“Obviously,” Eddie echoes, his gaze steady, but there’s a glint of something in his eyes—hurt, maybe, or disappointment. Buck can’t tell, and it’s making him feel like he’s missing something crucial, like he’s one second away from saying the wrong thing and ruining everything.
Desperate to shake off the tension, Buck forces himself to lighten the mood. “I just mean, you know, there are a lot of options out there.” His voice is too bright, his smile too wide. “I mean, we’re in L.A.! Tons of single guys! You could… you could have anyone you want, Eddie.”
Eddie’s gaze sharpens slightly, and he raises an eyebrow. “Anyone, huh?”
Buck nods, his heart pounding. “Yeah! Like… you could meet some great guy, someone who’s, you know… really good for you.”
Eddie’s face softens, and he looks at Buck with that steady, intense gaze again, the one that makes Buck’s chest feel too tight. “You know, I think you underestimate yourself, Buck.”
The words are soft, almost a whisper, and they feel like a punch straight to Buck’s gut. Underestimate himself? What does Eddie mean by that? Buck’s heart is racing, his mind spinning. He can feel himself spiraling, caught between wanting to believe Eddie and the crushing fear that he’ll only end up hurting them both.
Eddie leans a little closer, his gaze searching, like he’s waiting for Buck to finally understand something he’s been trying to say for a long time. For a slight second, Eddies gaze turns to Buck’s mouth, and suddenly, Buck can’t breathe.
He can feel the tension, the charged silence between them, and it’s terrifying because part of him wants this. Wants Eddie. Wants to reach out and close the distance between them, to let himself believe that maybe, just maybe, he could be Eddie’s first and last.
But Tommy’s voice echoes in his mind, reminding him of all the reasons why he can’t. And what if that’s true? What if Eddie’s not ready, or worse, what if he’s not ready, and he ruins this? What if he ends up hurting Eddie, like Tommy thought he would do to him, because he doesn’t know how to keep someone? Because he's still figuring himself out?
Buck swallows hard, feeling the weight of all his fears pressing down on him. He can’t let himself ruin this, not with Eddie. He doesn’t trust himself not to mess it up. Not when Eddie deserves someone steady, someone who knows what they want and can give him everything he needs. Someone who is not… well, him .
Buck pulls back, forcing another too-bright smile. “Well, you know, if you ever change your mind… about getting out there, dating, or whatever, I’ll be right here. You know, as your, uh… wingman.” He tries to laugh, but it comes out strained, and he can’t bring himself to look at Eddie’s face.
There’s a flicker of something in Eddie’s eyes—hurt, maybe, or disappointment—but it’s gone almost as quickly as it came. Eddie leans back, nodding slowly, a quiet acceptance settling over him. “Right. Wingman.” His voice is calm, but there’s a slight edge to it that makes Buck’s chest ache.
They sit in silence, the tension thick between them. Buck’s heart is pounding, his mind racing with everything he’s not saying, everything he wants but is too afraid to reach for. He knows Eddie’s waiting, that he could reach out, close the distance, let himself believe in the possibility of something real.
But the fear is too strong, holding him back, and he doesn’t know how to move past it. So he sits there, holding his beer and pretending that this is enough, even though every inch of him is screaming that it isn’t.
Eddie sighs quietly, almost like he’s resigning himself to something. “Alright,” he says, giving Buck a small, sad smile. “Good to know I’ve got you as my… wingman.”
And that’s when it hits Buck, sharp and painful, that Eddie wanted him. Really wanted him, and he’s just let that slip away.
But he doesn’t trust himself to reach out. Not yet. He cannot be Eddie’s first, it was too risky, too unsafe. If he wanted to be with Eddie, he had to make sure that he was not his first .