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It was summer vacation so Livia was even more unhinged than usual because it meant she had to actually be with her kids all day. Tony had recently came back from Uncle Pat’s and she wished he’d stayed.
Now she had Christopher over all the time too because his mother had gone downhill and the other two Anthonys kept inviting themselves over. She was close to murder-suicide. Even Barbara was driving her crazy and she was angelic.
Johnny nearly tripped when he came downstairs because Christopher ran into his legs. He grabbed the back of his shirt. “You got nothing to say after running into your uncle?”
“I didn’t do–”
Johnny picked him up like a sack of potatoes, getting cigarette smoke right in his face. He walked over to Janice, who was sat on the couch. “Did I not tell you to keep an eye on this kid?”
“Why me?!”
“Maternal instincts,” he said sarcastically. “I told you already, your mother said she’ll smother him if she’s gotta deal with his shit! You want your little cousin to be smothered?”
“What’s smothered?” Christopher asked.
“What’ll happen if you don’t shut up.” He put him down next to Janice and went out front to call Tony in. “Anthony!”
“Yeah?” three yelled back.
“Soprano! Dinner’s almost ready!”
Tony jogged home. “Can Tony come for dinner?”
“Uncle Philly or Uncle Al?”
“Uncle Al.”
“All right. But don’t tell your mother I said yes!”
“Hi, Uncle Jun.”
“Anthony.” Junior arrived as Tony left. “How many kids left standing?” he asked Johnny as he took his hat off.
“All of them for now.” He kept the door open for the Tonys. He stopped Tony B when they came in. “Don’t shake Chrissy again, you’re gonna make the kid retarded.”
“I think that ship sailed…” Junior watched him wrestling Janice to escape.
“I never shook him! I just held him upside down for a while.” He could see that everyone was judging him. “He liked it!”
“You like Anthony holding you upside down, Chrissy?” Johnny asked.
“No!”
Johnny smacked the back of Tony B’s neck. “If your Aunt Liv asks, I didn’t say you could come. All right?”
Janice was close to punching Christopher because he was so hyperactive. “When’s his mother getting him?!”
“Your guess is as good as mine.”
“You wanna know what smothering is?” Janice whispered to Christopher. “It’s when–”
“Jesus Christ, Janice!” Tony took him away from her right as she was about to demonstrate.
“No wonder he’s screaming…” Junior went into the kitchen to irritate Livia. “How’s my beautiful sister-in-law this fine evening?” He tried to dance with her but she smacked him away with the kitchen towel.
Johnny came through too. “How’s dinner looking?”
“Good.” Livia didn’t turn to him. “I don’t know if you’ll eat any though since you’ll have had your fill with your red-headed whore.”
“How many times I gotta tell ya? I was at work! Ask Jun!”
Junior raised his eyebrows. “Don’t look at me, I’m just a bystander here.”
“Daddy, what’s a whore?” Barbara asked from where she’d been helping Livia stir things.
Junior stifled laughter.
“Who your father’s with when he’s not with us.”
“Jesus Christ, Livia! You’re gonna scar the kid for life!”
“You’re the one with the whore!” She threw a wooden spoon at him.
“Oh! You got fuckin’ gravy on my shirt!” He picked it up to hit her with it.
Junior scooped Barbara up. “Come on, let’s go watch cartoons.” He walked into the living room and the Tonys and Janice gestured for him to get out. “What?”
“Can’t be round Chrissy,” Tony B told him through a mouthful of crumb cake. “Scares the shit outta her.”
“Trust me, kid, it’s better than in there.” He sat on the couch with Barbara on his lap. “Turn the cartoons on, will ya?” he asked Tony.
Tony put them on and they all enjoyed watching them, even Junior. That was until Christopher broke free from Tony and sprinted off. Barbara flinched as he went past.
“Wish they’d put that kid in an orphanage already, driving me crazy…” Junior muttered.
“Uncle Jun!” Tony told him off before he went upstairs to catch Christopher.
“How come you guys never have to look after him?” Janice glared at Tony B. “You’re more related to him than we are.”
“We do! He was over ours a couple days ago. He don’t like it though, he just cries all the time for some reason.”
“Oughta hire a sleuth to work that one out.” Junior had seen him bullying him on multiple occasions. “How’s Pat holding up?” he asked him.
“He’s growing tomatoes.”
“Good for him. He’s growing tomatoes while the rest of us shadrools are stuck here working for a living.”
“The hiccups ain’t his fault.”
“Retiring for hiccups… Who ever heard of a thing like that?”
Tony carried Christopher downstairs, struggling to wrangle him. “Knock it off!”
Junior shook his head. “Something wrong with that kid.”
“He’s 4, Uncle Jun.” Tony put him down and immediately had to grab him again. “Leave him alone.”
“4 years too old to be acting like that.”
“You think babies are up running around?”
“Don’t back talk me, Anthony. I’ll send you in there with your mother, see how you like that.”
Janice knocked Tony B’s hand away because he kept messing with the back of her hair. “You’re so annoying!”
“What? I was stretching.” He waited for a minute for her to relax and then did it again.
Janice shot up from her seat. “Ma!” She went into the kitchen. “Tony B invited himself over for dinner again and ate the last of your Entenmann's!”
“You ate the last of her Entenmann's?” Junior looked at him like a dead man walking.
“I didn’t know it was hers!”
“Out. Out while you still can.”