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“Oh!” Johnny knocked Tony Uncle Philly’s hand away when he tried to take food from a plate Livia was putting out. “Aht!” He smacked Tony B too.
“Johnny,” Livia’s tone told him to get rid of some of the children before she killed him or them.
“All right, one of youse have gotta go home.”
All three Anthonys whined.
Johnny started doing Eeny, meeny, miny, moe with the three of them.
“Dad-uh,” Janice scolded him for singing the N word.
“Janice, quit making me lose place!” He started again. “Eeny–”
“Why you counting him?” Tony B noticed a flaw. “He lives here.”
“Fuck. Get outta here.” Johnny shoved Tony Soprano out the way.
“Johnny,” Livia sounded more murderous.
“All right. You.” He made a swift decision and grabbed Tony B by the shoulder. “Out.”
“Me?!” Tony B pointed at himself incredulously.
Janice laughed because he was always so cocky about being the favorite cousin.
“Out!” Johnny opened the front door then sighed because Christopher’s mother, Joanne, was there to drop him off for dinner. “Jesus Christ.” Too many kids. He separated her hand from holding Christopher’s and made him hold Tony B’s hand instead. “You take him with you.”
Tony B let go straight away, like he was going to catch something. “Why do I gotta take him?!”
“Anthony, take him home before I smack you ‘cross the street!”
Joanne quickly took Christopher’s hand back and gave Johnny a dirty look. “He’s my kid, Johnny. Youse said you were having him for dinner, so you’re having him.” She walked past Johnny to take him inside.
“What’s wrong with Ally’s house?” Johnny yelled over his shoulder to her.
He sighed when he got no response and gave Tony B an expression that said You might as well just fucking stay, kid.
He regretfully closed the front door and they went back to the dining room. He still gave Tony B a smack in the back of the head for mouthing off at him.
“Ow!”
Johnny walked through the kids to pull out his chair. “All of youse siddown!”
“Not me, I’m going to work.” Joanne kissed Christopher’s head and he resented the smell of alcohol. “I’ll pick you up later, sweetie.”
She gave Johnny another dirty look as she left.
“Move-uh!” Janice yelled at a Tony.
“Oh, she thinks of herself as something, doesn’t she? Having a job,” Livia sounded sardonic.
Johnny made an exasperated noise because Christopher was sat right there. “Will you just say grace so we can eat already? I’m feeling fuckin’ Irish the way I’m famined.”
They all put their heads down while Livia said grace. Johnny looked up to smack Tony Uncle Philly’s hand because he was going for the food again.
“Fuckin’ tapeworm, this kid’s got,” Johnny muttered.
Livia glared at him from the corner of her eye as she finished grace. “Amen.”
Everyone rushed to put food out.
“Ma, Tony’s hogging the potatoes!”
Tony B was bitter about Tony Uncle Philly being picked to stay so he wouldn’t let him get any potatoes, which was blocking everyone else from them too.
“Will youse knock it off?!” Johnny took the serving spoon off Tony B. His heart was beating a bit too quick and his breath was a little shallow - a feeling Tony would grow to know well. “Two potatoes each.”
He handed the spoon to Livia for her to serve them since she was the woman. He went back to cutting his food aggressively, a trait Tony would pick up.
“Thanks, ma.”
Johnny took a deep breath because some order was being restored. Then he noticed Barbara had been too timid to fight anyone for food. “Ah, Jesus! Give Barb some fuckin’ food, somebody!”
“You know I don’t like that talk, Johnny.”
He blinked several times because he was starting to see stars, and lit a cigarette to catch his breath.
“Are you okay, daddy?”
“Fine.” He had to mentally prepare himself to look at Christopher when he made a noise, since something else must’ve gone wrong. “You all right there, Chrissy?”
“I’m–”
“Tony’s kicking him under the table,” Janice ratted instantly. She didn’t even have to say which Tony. B, obviously.
“No, I’m not!”
“Stop kicking your cousin,” Livia did as much parenting as she was capable of. Barely any. “I don’t want him going back to that mother of his with bruises.”
“I’m not kicking him!”
“He wasn’t kicking him, dad,” Tony defended him. “Honest.”
Johnny had sweat building on his brow. “Anthony, shut your mouth!”
“Which?”
“All three of youse!”
“What did I do?” Tony Uncle Philly asked.
“You didn’t go home, that’s what!”
“You picked Tony Uncle Ally!”
Somehow, Christopher still preferred this to being home with his mother.
“Dad, he’s kicking him again!” Janice lied this time, just for fun.
Tony B spluttered with exasperation. “No, I’m not!” He nudged Christopher. “Tell Uncle Johnny I ain’t kicking you.”
“Now he’s hitting him!” Janice was loving this.
“Will you shut up already?” Tony B was kind of loving it too. “You’re making me wanna kick you!”
The yelling continued to grow but it all tuned out into one ringing noise in Johnny’s ears as he started to subtly hyperventilate.
Everyone exclaimed when Johnny’s head hit the table. He didn’t know how much time had passed but he came back round, very embarrassed and with a sore forehead.
“You all right, dad?”
He was still dazed. “I’d be better off with Ercele…”
“Who?”