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The front door opened and Tony and Carmela were met by the smoke of 2 cigarettes. She tried not to cough.
“Oh, isn’t she so pretty…” Livia had a mocking tone.
“Li, what I fuckin’ tell ya?!” Johnny immediately lost his patience.
“What?” Livia shrugged all innocently. “I can’t pay the girl a compliment?”
“Just go get the food out on the table!” He gestured for her to leave and she listened because he was the husband. He rubbed his forehead and took a deep breath out. “It’s nice to meet you, sweetheart.”
“It’s nice to meet you too.” Carmela smiled bashfully.
“I’m Johnny. Anthony’s told me a lot about y–”
“Johnny!”
“What?!” he yelled at the top of his lungs.
Carmela flinched. Her family were Italian, but not this kind of Italian.
Livia yelled back but Johnny just ignored her because she was complaining like usual.
“Just come inside, both of youse.” Johnny looked at Tony. “Your sister just got home.”
“…What one?” Tony came inside and Carmela did too.
“You want me to take my shoes off?” She looked between them.
Johnny laughed as he closed the door. “In this house? You’d step on broken glass the way his mother throws shit around.”
“What sister, dad?”
Johnny looked at Tony with a face of pure frustration, answering the question for him.
“Oh, come on!” Tony threw his head back. “I thought she said she was running off with that Jewish guy?!”
“He ain’t Jewish, he’s a Baptist.” Johnny walked them towards the dining room.
“Then why did ma tell me he was Jewish?”
“If you’re not Catholic, you’re not Christian,” Livia sounded sanctimonious as she put plates on the table.
“You all believe in the same God, ma,” Janice regretted coming home.
“You not even gonna say hello to your brother’s new girlfriend?!” Johnny took any excuse to yell at her after she’d ran off with some guy.
“She’s two grades below me, I’ve seen her plenty.”
Johnny gave her a look that implied she might get smacked.
Janice rolled her eyes. “Hi, Carmela.” Her smile couldn’t look more forced. “It’s so nice to have you here.”
“Thanks…” Carmela had always been a little scared of her.
“Here’s my other daughter Barbara.” Johnny gestured at her. “She don’t talk much. We got the other one to make up for it.” He gave Janice a dirty look.
“Hi, Barbara.” Carmela smiled.
“Hi…” Barbara sighed, longing for earplugs.
“And you met my wife Livia.” He gestured at her putting the plates out. She walked back into the kitchen.
“Surprised she didn’t run off already,” Janice scoffed, feeling sorry for Carmela.
“Janice!” Johnny pointed at her aggressively. “Don’t make me get the fuckin’ belt!”
Carmela tried to not look horrified.
“I don’t like that talk!” Livia yelled from the kitchen.
“…Siddown.” Tony pulled a chair out for Carmela, embarrassed by this whole thing. He sat down next to her.
“…Can we eat yet?” Barbara asked timidly.
“Just wait for your mother.” Johnny sat at the head of the table and put his cigarette out. “Anthony tells me you’re Dickie’s cousin?”
Carmela nodded. Livia came in and sat down across from Carmela, making her feel incredibly nervous.
“Dickie Moltisanti?” Janice laughed. She hadn’t known that. “You… his cousin?” She looked at how prim and proper she was.
“He was a good man, Janice,” Livia said coldly as they all started eating. “Watch what you’re implying there.”
Janice rolled her eyes again and picked at her food with her fork.
“So what happened to that guy you were supposed to be running off with?” Tony smirked, enjoying embarrassing her.
“I never said I was running off with him…” Janice looked away from him sheepishly.
“You practically put out a town crier.” Tony chuckled.
“This isn’t dinner talk.” Livia didn’t like Carmela hearing this stuff. “Be quiet about that, it’s shameful.”
Everyone went silent because the only thing they had to talk about lately was Janice’s shenanigans.
“What’s your father’s name?” Johnny asked.
“Hugh.”
“Hugh what?”
“De Angelis.”
Everyone but Tony paused eating for a second and looked at her. She felt nervous.
“You hear that?” Johnny chuckled. “She don’t got a vowel at the end of her name!”
“She’s still Italian.” Tony glanced at Carmela awkwardly, feeling bad for her. “A vowel don’t mean nothing.”
“How come I never heard of him, this Hugh De Angelis?” Johnny seemed confused. “What line of business he in?”
“Construction.”
“Shouldn’t I know him then?”
“No, dad.” Tony looked him in the eye. “Construction. Like… actual construction. Building houses.”
Johnny looked surprised. “Jesus Christ, you’re punching so far above your weight with this girl you’re gonna wind up with a concussion!”
“Daddy, you’re embarrassing him,” Barbara said quietly.
“What?” Johnny laughed. “Her father, he builds fuckin’ houses! I can’t believe this shit.”
“Stop cursing at the table.” Livia glared at him.
“You know, my father, he was a master stonemason.” He was enthusiastic about this now. “You know about any of that? Stonemasonry?”
“Why the hell would she know about stonemasonry?” Janice looked embarrassed by him too.
The doorbell rang.
“Go let your brother in,” Livia told Johnny.
“Why do I gotta let him in? I’m the man of the house.”
They had this argument constantly.
“He’s your brother, so you better let him in.”
“You don’t tell me what to do, Livia!”
“I’ll let him in.” Janice stood up to save them all from listening to this. “Fuckin’ hate this place…” she said under her breath.
“You have an uncle coming?” Carmela whispered. “Why didn’t you tell me that?”
“You don’t gotta worry, he’s a good guy, my uncle Jun,” Tony whispered back. “…Polite.”
“You’re already eating?!” Junior raised his voice as soon as he came inside. “Why didn’t nobody tell me that? Six, you said!”
“Uncle Jun, it’s 6:30,” Tony told him.
He looked down at his watch to see if Tony was right, he was, but Junior still didn’t look happy with him. “Little fuckin’ know it all.” He sat opposite Johnny.
“Junior.” Livia shot him a scolding look.
“Sorry, sweetheart.” He had no intention to stop cursing. “Pass me the green beans.” He gestured at Barbara.
She handed them to him and everyone watched him silently. He put food on his plate and started eating like this was just any other Sunday dinner.
“Uncle Jun.” Tony looked offended but slightly amused by just how rude he was. “I got a girl here sitting next to me, a girl you never seen before - you not even gonna ask who she is, introduce yourself?”
“You just introduced myself for me, didn’t you?” He shrugged, then looked at Carmela. “Who are you?”
“Corrado, you rude fuck!” Johnny threw a piece of bread at his head.
Everyone except Livia laughed.
“Ay!” She yelled. “I got enough kids to look after without having to worry about you two.”
“Sorry, sweetheart,” Junior said to Carmela, ignoring Livia entirely now. “My manners, they musta escaped me. It’s nice to meet you, what’s your name?”
“Carmela.”
“Her father builds houses,” Johnny told him.
“Oh yeah? What’s his name?”
“Uncle Jun, he builds houses.” Tony looked him in the eye. “Like… construction. Real construction.”
“What you doing with him then?” Junior asked her in earnest.
“Junior!”
“She’s Dickie’s cousin,” Janice told him.
“Who, Moltisanti?”
Janice nodded.
Junior had just the same reaction that she’d had.
“Will youse stop laughing at her?” Tony got defensive.
“I’m not laughing at her! I’m laughing at Dickie, if anything. God rest his soul.” Junior crossed himself. “I mean, look at her! I bet you read the bible every night, don’t you, sweetheart?”
She nodded.
Junior tried not to laugh again because he didn’t want to embarrass her further. “You’re punching so far above your weight here, Anthony–”
“I’d get a concussion, I know.”
They went quiet for a moment while they ate. Carmela and Barbara were relieved.
“Wait, wait, wait.” Janice pointed at Carmela with her fork. “…You’re Dickie’s cousin?”
“You got Alzheimer’s?” Junior asked.
Tony gestured for Carmela to ignore Junior and just answer.
“Yeah, he was my cousin.”
Janice narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. “So your cousin was little Chrissy’s father… so Chrissy’s your cousin too?”
“Yeah.” Carmela nodded. “Why, do you know him well?”
Everyone started chuckling besides Tony and Carmela. She looked at Tony to know what was going on.
“He’s…” Tony sighed. He’d been avoiding bringing this up. “He’s kinda my cousin too…”
“What?!”
“From his mother, not Dickie! We’re not related, Carm, you gotta believe me here.”
“That’s just what you wanna hear when you’re courting somebodys,” Junior said sarcastically. “This family tree’s gonna be a fuckin’ wreath…”
Several people yelled at him this time.
He didn’t care and chuckled as he cut his food, then another thought came to him. “What you doing here anyway?” He looked at Janice. “What happened to that Jew you were running off with?”
“He’s a Baptist!” Janice slammed her cutlery down. “Ma, why’d you have to tell everyone he was Jewish?!”
“Why are you so embarrassed about that, Janice?” Livia twisted her words. “You got a problem with the Jews?”
“We live in Jersey, ma! You think I don’t got Jewish friends?”
“So long as you don’t marry one,” Johnny wanted that to be clear.
That reminded Livia of something. She looked at Carmela. “Your mother Italian?”
“Ma, I told you that already half a dozen times!” Tony got involved with the yelling.
“Well, is she?”
“She’s Italian, through and through!” Tony pinched his fingers together. “Neapolitan, just like us!”
“The two of youse could be more related than we think then…”
More people yelled at Junior every time he said these things.
“When you got a kid with 12 fingers don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Johnny couldn’t stop himself from laughing. He was met by a terrifying scowl from Livia, so he abruptly stopped laughing and cleared his throat.
“I bet your Sunday dinners are nothing like this,” Livia sounded like she resented Carmela for that.
Carmela glanced between everyone, not wanting them to think she was a snob. “They’re just like this.” She smiled demurely.
They went back to quiet eating.
“Jun, get this,” Johnny said to him. “Guess what letter her last name ends in.”
Tony rolled his eyes.
“Uh, I dunno.” He shrugged. “I?”
“No.”
“O?”
Johnny shook his head with a smirk.
Junior squinted thoughtfully. “…A?”
“You gonna run through all the vowels? You’re not even doing it in the right order!” Tony stopped this from continuing. “It ends in an S, Uncle Jun. De Angelis.”
“Anthony, why’d you tell him that for?!” Johnny’s fun had been ruined. “I wanted to see how long it woulda took him!”
“Your name don’t end in a vowel?” Junior looked taken aback.
“Why do you people care so much about the fuckin’ vowel?!” Janice yelled. “She’s Italian either way!”
“Janice, what I say about the belt?!”
Little Barbara subtly put her fingers in her ears, sharing a stressed look with Carmela. At least she got to go home after this, Barbara had nowhere she could hide… “Don’t marry him,” she mouthed to her.