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It’s not like they were doing anything different from usual. Eimi describes what she wants it to look like, Bell tries to make it coherent. Eimi tells her to change it, Bell complains but does it anyway. Eimi talks nonsense, Bell has no choice but to listen. Back and forth.
That’s how it usually is. Their usual routine.
“Don’t take this the wrong way but… you’re being kinda weird.”
“Coming from someone like you… does that mean I’m normal?”
“Rude! At least be more specific than ‘someone like you,’ like, what do you mean by that?”
Bell’s fingers tapped away at the keyboard. Eimi was right, she was being weird. There was a tension in her shoulders no amount of stretching could get rid of. It was making her words more sparse, terse when they came out. No conversation was taking off, any exchange slowly petered out. She was conscious of it. She was all too aware of it. All too aware of the other person in the room with her. Enough to be a hindrance on her work. More than usual. It clouded her judgment.
“Well, if you need to take a break just say so, alright?”
“Are you sure you’re not the one trying to get out of this?”
“Not even!” Eimi put a hand to her chin. “It’s weird but, having a goal really pumps you up, you know? I’m ready to go all night!”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure Shii-chan will appreciate it.” Bell couldn’t stop the sigh trailing behind her words.
“It’s not just Shika.” A smirk spread over Eimi’s expression, bravado like she had the world in the palm of her hand.
Her eyes bore into Bell. Against all odds, she felt something inside her skip a beat. A vague hope, unfounded, took hold of her for a moment.
“As our fearless leader, it’s up to me to set an example for everyone. We’ll pave the road to hell with our own strength!”
And just as easily, it vanished. “Right.”
“Kind of a lackluster reaction. Why do you sound so disappointed?”
Same reason as always. She didn’t get it. Why her words resonated so much with Shika. Even when she thought she was close to getting it, it never felt “right.” Even when she could feel herself start to feel the same way.
“It’s impressive how you can make yourself sound so capable when you want to, have you thought about doing that around the clock?”
“All your compliments only ever sound backhanded. How is that fair?”
“Never thought I’d hear you talk about fairness. Guess, there’s hope for the rest of us still.”
“Just like that!”
“Mhm.” There was an edge to her words she couldn’t quite pass off. It’d be better to stop talking. She swiveled around in her chair to face the monitor. “We should get back to work.”
“Actually… maybe we should call it for the night.” Something in Eimi’s voice sounded off. Was she serious? Gonna quit now?
“What’s with that all of the sudden? You’re the one that keeps insisting on pulling all-nighters.” She had to get it together.
“Well, it’s just…” Eimi hesitated. “For a second there, you looked like you were about to cry.”
Bell’s hands stopped moving. “My eyes sting from looking at a screen for so many hours, that’s all. You get it.” She was too tired. It was too late. Thoughts and feelings were starting to leak out. The bright glow of the monitor seemed to pierce her vision, hazing it over until she could hardly make anything out.
“Yeah… I get it… but still.” Bell felt a hand on her shoulder. “That’s all the more reason why you should get some rest.”
Bell turned her body around to face her. She took her glasses off, putting a hand to her temple. Didn’t she know to let sleeping dogs lie? Unbearable. Infuriating. She didn’t get it. This was the girl she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about recently? Why her? She already had someone else. That’s how it was supposed to be. So what was it about her that made her so…
“Hng?!”
Before Bell could even process what in her head had propelled her forward, their lips were locked. Eimi’s eyes went wide. So did Bell’s. Now she’d done it. It didn’t make sense. Her actions, her thoughts. She was next in line.
After five seconds too long, she finally regained control of her reason and pulled back. She didn’t know what to say. There was an extended pause between them, before...
“Ahaha… Wow.” Eimi scratched her cheek, trying to avoid eye contact. “Bell… Bell, Bell, Bell, Bell. Bell.”
‘Stop saying it!” Bell’s face grew red.
“My bad, I’m not sure how to react. I had no idea you felt that way about me, seriously. If I had known all it took to get you to like me was worrying about your health…” Eimi cleared her throat. “So, am I special to you? Do I make your heart race? Make you feel a certain way?” Despite the obnoxious posing accompanying her statements, Bell could still make out a light pink on her cheeks.
“Ughhh, I hate this.” Bell scrambled onto the far corner of the bed, grabbing a nearby pillow and burying her face into it.
“What’s with that reaction? Haven’t you and Shiika ever done anything?” Those careless words tumbled out of Eimi’s mouth.
“What do you think?!” That was the last thing she wanted to hear from her. She said it like it was an obvious conclusion. Like it was a given, expected. It should’ve been, shouldn’t it? It was supposed to have been. And yet it wasn’t. The truth had enough bite on its own. She didn’t want to hear it from her.
“Ehh… now you’re making me feel bad. That was my first kiss too, you know. And I thought it was pretty good…”
“Terrible.” It was terrible. Everything about the situation was.
For a minute they both stayed quiet. Bell had no idea what kind of look Eimi had on her face, but she was afraid to show her own. She felt like she was about to cry. How was she gonna get out of this? Maybe she couldn’t. She was stuck. Nothing new.
.
.
.
“Wanna hear me bark?”
…Huh? Did she hear that right? No, no, no. No way. But if it was Eimi that said it… Her thoughts had kept her occupied a second too long.
“W-Why would I?” Mortified at the staggered reply that came out of her mouth, she felt her face grow redder.
“Aww. Okay.” Eimi didn’t sound like she particularly cared. Wasn’t she gonna push? Was she just gonna back down that easy?
Bell sneaked a glance towards Eimi to see her expression. She was sitting at the edge of the bed, looking down listlessly as she swung her legs back and forth. Bell buried her face back into her pillow.
Was she bored or something? Was it all a game to her? She never took anything seriously. That’s what Bell was so hung up on. That was the real issue. It wasn’t that she expected more out of her. She didn’t. She wasn’t disappointed at all.
“Uhm… Bell?”
She felt movement on top of the bed, a shifting weight heading towards her. She lifted her eyes to see Eimi in front of her, a downcast look on her face. Their eyes met for only a second before she yanked them away. “D-Did it really bother you that much? Sorry…”
For a moment, Bell wasn’t sure how to respond. Their one-on-one interactions never got far enough–never dug deep enough–for them to get to this point. Why was she so off today?
“No…” She lifted her head. “You don’t have to apologize. I mean, in the first place, I was the one who…” Bell’s eyes grew wide. She felt like an idiot. Seeing the pained expression on Eimi’s face–the kind of look she makes when Doggo has a fight, the kind that makes it look like she was beating herself up in her head, saying things to herself that she would never say out loud–it made her feel like she hadn’t learned anything. She wasn’t the only one in the room. She was only thinking of her own feelings. Her heart started beating faster. She was the one who made a move. She kissed Eimi. She liked her. Even when she tried not to, she couldn’t help liking her. But Eimi’s thoughts… Whatever was happening inside her head… She didn’t know. Thumping grew louder in her ears. She didn’t understand. Even back then. She didn’t understand. She thought she did. Had she really tried? Thoughts. Feelings. Courage. Always out of her grasp. Out of reach. Stationary. A shelter and a prison. Where did you draw the line and where was she standing now? What had she built? She couldn’t move. She didn’t move. What was the reason? Why had she been standing there this entire time? There was none. Nothing to be done. It wasn’t needed after all. It was all–
“Woof, woof!”
Like a sharp stab, air rushed into Bell, violently filling her lungs until it hurt her body to do so. Senses she didn’t notice had disappeared slowly faded back into her consciousness. Breaking into coughs, she was left panting for air. Ringing in her ears. She felt a grip tighten on her shoulders. Steady. Vision settled, colors regaining shape. shapes regaining depth. She stared at the one in front of her for as long as it took for her to make it out. Arms, shoulders, neck, head, hair, face, eyes, mouth. Concern. Focus clear, she let out the first thing that came to her mind.
“...Did you just bark?”
Eimi’s voice came out without a hint of her usual spirit. “I didn’t know what else to do! You weren’t responding, and I got scared…”
“Pfft. What… What’s with that? Hahaha!” Who comes up with something like that? Did she really think that’s what she was so down about?
Eimi’s face only showed confusion. “W-Why are you laughing? Did you lose it?”
Bell didn’t know. That’s… That’s why she had to…
“Say…” She cleared her throat. “Don’t tell me you think I’m the type to cry over something so silly. That’s not it, right?”
“Huh? Do you think I’m an idiot? W-Wait, don’t answer that.” She put a hand on her arm. “Well… It’s just…” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When her eyes opened they locked in on Bell’s. “It really hurt to see you like that. And I don’t mean that in a sympathetic way–well, not just that, I mean. It’s that, with the way you are, it was like… like you thought it was disgusting. It felt like… Do you really hate the idea of ‘liking’ me that much?”
That’s wrong.
That’s wrong.
Bell wanted to say those words. Her reflex should’ve shouted them out. Instead it stopped them. She couldn’t say such careless words. She couldn’t let herself lie so easily. She didn’t want to take on that burden ever again. So then what could she do? What could she say?
“These feelings I have here.” Bell gripped her chest. “Whatever’s going on on the inside, I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask for them. I don’t want to want them. And yet…” Bell paused, opening and closing her mouth as if trying to get out something that’d been stuck in there long enough to grow mold, lodged in her throat and held together by the same moss she once thanked for preventing her from falling apart too. She’d tried to rip it out once before, killed it with vinegar, but its vestiges lingered, remnants, whispers, the acidic taste of the words burning her vocal chords, unwilling, pressured out of her, she didn’t want to, but it was too late, now she had to, this was the path she’d been thrust into. Her mouth trembled as she uttered the words. “Why does the thought of them disappearing one day hurt so much?”
She wasn’t sure who she was talking about anymore.
“No matter how much I try to ignore them. I’ve tried. I have.”
“Bell…”
“It’s not your fault, Eimi-chan. It’s me. It’s always been me.”
.
.
.
“So it’s… that painful, huh.” Eimi’s voice came out with a drawn out breath, deep and lethargic as if she had let go of her spirit along with it. “That really fucking sucks to hear.” But she was still right here. “...I don’t know if I can accept that.” Even if her eyes were devoid of light, they still faced forward. “So, I’ll give you a reason.” At her. “So that you never think to try again.” Words rising up like fireworks. “Until the only thing that crosses your mind is gratitude that you ever felt this way at all.” She leaned forward and grabbed her hands. “I’ll make you fall for me.”
A spark ignited, brought to life deep in her core. Fires rising. Uncontrollable. Unstoppable. From her chest to her arms to her legs to her neck to her throat to her mouth to her nose to her eyes to her ears to her head to her brain. Burning away the dead layer of skin lining her face, long past overdue. Eimi Azai was right there.
“...Heh. Feels like I just said something pretty cool. Didn’t I? I did, right? Aaaah… I must be a natural. Oh. Damn.” Eimi let go and brought both hands to her mouth. “Now I’m starting to feel embarrassed. It’s kind of unfair isn’t it? Haha… you’re unfair, Eimi, you rascal. They say beautiful people have problems too, I should tone it down before it’s too late.”
The way she muttered to herself as if other people couldn’t hear her was so… stupid. Bell couldn’t feel her face anymore.
I’ll make you fall for me. Idiot. If it was that easy…
“Eimi-chan… That kind of attitude is exactly what makes you so…”
Amazing.