Work Text:
Shen Qingqiu did not-...
Shen Jiu did not have laugh lines. In fact, he didn't have any wrinkles on his face besides one solid crease in his forehead that made itself apparent whenever he furrowed his brow. Admittedly, Shen Yuan- Shen Qingqiu didn't realize it right away. In his defense, there was a lot of other stuff going on in his life at the time.
It started with something Shang Qinghua said. Of course it did. Why wouldn't it be his fault? Everything else was.
The two were sitting in their weekly meeting when it came up.
“-Bro, you should have seen his face when she said it, and then she slapped him!”
Shen Qingqiu threw his head back and laughed. He would rather die than say it, but Airplane could always be trusted to make him laugh. He had faith in the author for this at least. A natural talent for lightening the mood. Or maybe just a natural talent for not being taken seriously.
The An Ding peak lord chuckled along, but there was a pensive look on his face that didn't suit the empty headed man.
“This might be out of line, but… did you laugh a lot when you were alive? Like before all of this,” he clarified nervously, gesturing at nothing.
Shen Qingqiu froze for only a second. In that second, the freeze chilled the air around them.
“What kind of question is that?” he scoffed, back in motion and looking disapprovingly over his fan. “I'd say I laughed a fairly normal amount, though certainly not because of your shitty writing if that's what you're after.”
“Hey! That one actually stung a little… What's so different that I can make you laugh in person but not in writing?” The smaller man pouted into his teacup.
“Trust me, you're funnier as a friend than as an author. You weren't writing a comedy anyway.” He waved a dismissive hand.
The other peak lord immediately perked up.
“You admitted we're friends!!” He exclaimed, eyes lighting up with a brilliant grin.
Shen Qingqiu's gaze softened and his mouth quirked up on one side. “Well I see you've laughed plenty, even in a life like this,” he pointed out, tone turning gentle as he took in the way his fellow peak lord’s eyes crinkled in the corners.
Shang Qinghua's face turned red in response. He looked away before seemingly remembering himself. “Ah! That's exactly what I was talking about though! You- er, your body?- doesn't have a single crease on it! I know his cultivation was higher than mine, and you haven't been here as long as me, and Shen Jiu was really particular about his appearance, and I'm the reason the original goods had such a fucked up childhood but…” he trailed off as he realized the dangerous rant forming like a knife over his head. Reluctantly, and while side eyeing the way Shen Qingqiu clutched his fan tighter, he continued.
“Um, but it's kind of noticeable when you do laugh, I guess? That you're not used to it. Not to say it looks unnatural! It's just, y'know, the different life and aging we have to get used to, and I'm so sorry for bringing it up!” He squeaked in fright as his friend began to shake.
He ducked his head below his hands and waited for the other shoe to drop.
Fear slowly faded to concern the longer he went without an answer. Just as he opened his mouth to ask if he was okay, the other shot up out of his seat. His face seemed a shade paler, though it could have been his imagination.
“I think it's time for me to leave for today. Sorry, Airplane, I just-” The taller man cut himself off with a shake of his head. “I will be heading back to my peak for now. I’ll see you next week.”
And just like that, he was gone.
—--------
Shen Qingqiu worked very hard to avoid thinking about his past life. After all, it wouldn't do him any good to remember things that might as well be from a fictional world at this point.
Now that it had been so rudely brought to his attention though, it was hard to ignore the thoughts flooding in.
This body had been alive longer than Shen Yuan, yet there was no evidence to suggest it. Looking at his face, one did not see a life well lived. Just a blank canvas, perfect for someone else to come along and fill with another void.
He had just been coming to terms with the life he had when it was taken from him. Out of high school, out of college, thinking maybe getting older wasn't so bad after all. He already had lines on the edges of his eyes and around his mouth when he smiled. One night, he watched himself smile in the mirror and thought “someday, the evidence of my happiness will be the most prominent thing on my face.”
Now, he looked in the mirror and couldn’t stand it.
No matter how hard he searched, even after a few years in this body, it only showed a shadow of another man's memories.
Someday, he would outlive Shen Yuan. Outlive himself. What good would it do in this insane fantasy world to hold on to the 12 year old boy telling his sister what he would be when he grew up or the 18 year old deciding one major wasn't enough or the 22 year old holed up in his room reading the worst novel he could find? Unless one of the numerous deadly flora or fauna killed him prematurely, he was destined to spend more days as Shen Qingqiu than he did as Shen Yuan.
Staring at the empty flesh in the mirror, a frightening urge welled up in him to carve every scar he could remember back into this body holding him hostage. The scrape on his knee that never really went away because he picked the scab open too many times, the cuts on his fingers from learning to cook with his mother, the gash over his eyebrow that needed stitches yet he swore didn’t hurt, and the hundreds of other imperfections he took for granted that he may have already forgotten.
Maybe if he did something permanent he could pretend Shen Yuan wasn’t disappearing.
Maybe he’d disappear faster.
The harsh splintering of a door breaking snapped him out of his thoughts.
“Liu-shidi, really!” He reprimanded on instinct. His heart continued to race circles around a bad idea. Shoving it down as far as he could, he turned to greet the unfairly beautiful war god. Forget being a master of knowledge, the only thing this one was a master at was denial.
“You should remember to lock your door,” Liu Qingge stated, forgoing the need to announce his presence.
It was locked! Shen Qingqiu screamed internally, thrashing his little mental Liu-shidi around in his head.
Out loud, he sighed, electing to ignore the obvious for now.
“What brings Liu-shidi here at this hour? You don't often visit after dinner.”
When he wasn't away on a mission, the man was almost as meticulous with his schedule as Shen Qingqiu's original goods. On rare occasions, they saw each other before lunch, but between lunch and dinner usually worked best for both of them.
Perhaps his lovely shidi remembered that today was his day with Shang Qinghua and wanted to see him anyway. Truly, too considerate of him. Nobody should have that kind of power with looks and personality! This old man's heart couldn't take it!
Liu Qingge flushed, yet his stare remained firmly on Shen Qingqiu's face. Another point in his favor! He wasn't a coward like Airplane.
“I simply had a feeling you could use some company.”
Short and to the point. The directness made his heart pound.
Although.
Something about that seemed off.
As considerate as his shidi could be, his skills did not include this kind of intuition. Shen Qingqiu experienced far worse days since arriving in this world with no Bai Zhan peak lord in sight.
With that in mind, and assuming his awareness of his senior's schedule stayed true, he should also know that Shen Qingqiu's mood almost always improved after seeing Shang Qinghua. Not the other way around.
That left only one possibility.
“Shang Qinghua told you to come check on me.”
Shen Qingqiu would like to revoke the points he awarded earlier.
The war god's back straightened nigh imperceptibly.
After the smallest hesitation, he grunted a short affirmation.
Shen Qingqiu pinched the bridge of his nose and breathed a long breath in and back out.
“This one appreciates the sentiment, but really now, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I don't need to be babysat just because-” oh. Normally, he would keep going, justified in his affront. However, before his rant could even start, a flickering reminder burst through his defenses. The ghost of contempt in his own reflection and an overwhelming desire to cause irreparable damage. Not physically with the way his new body healed, but recovering mentally may have been much more difficult if not for his shidi's appearance.
Perhaps, this time, he could accept the concern shown for him as the gift it was.
Liu Qingge stepped closer, reaching out a hesitant hand, wanting nothing more than to ease the haunted look on his fellow peak lord's face.
“Are you okay?”
“No, I suppose not,” came the reply, shocking both of them.
The younger man tensed, clearly out of his depth, but forged ahead. Another admirable quality. It would be easier on his shixiong if he had less of those.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Always a fast learner, his sincerity quickly overtook any lingering awkward gruffness. His hand finally found its mark, entwined with the other man's, grip strong and reassuring. Just like everything else about him.
Shen Qingqiu was torn. On one hand, nothing sounded better than skipping the hard part so the comfort came quicker. Speaking his thoughts into existence made them real. Once someone else knew, shoving them down became that much harder.
On the other hand, his thoughts felt too big to keep to himself. Like everything would spiral bigger and bigger the longer it spent trapped with only itself to feed on.
He knew talking would help. He knew it.
It was so hard to stop pretending though.
Even with Shang Qinghua, he hid behind his fan and condescension.
As much as he loved Liu Qingge (like a martial brother should, of course), he wanted so badly to stay strong and in control in the scope of his piercing grey eyes.
Sure, sometimes he flustered and bumbled, but he made his shidi laugh and the accomplishment rang in his ears for hours every time. He wondered if Liu Qingge had laugh lines. He wondered how he could have missed them if he did.
He didn't know what he'd do if he made his shidi sad. Or if he let him see what happened when his mask broke on the ground.
Lifting his head once more, a patient and steady gaze met his. He couldn’t help but sigh again.
“How could I ever refuse such a resolute friend,” he murmured to himself, a small smile creeping back despite everything. “If Liu-shidi is certain, this one- that is- I would be very grateful to have your company and opinion. However, I’m afraid I’m not used to sharing like this, and I understand if the topic is too heavy for you. I won’t be upset if you decide to leave.”
It was a blatant lie, but neither pointed it out. Instead, Liu Qingge simply raised an eyebrow as if to ask What could be too heavy for the War God of Bai Zhan Peak? To which Shen Qingqiu should love to point out that this took a different kind of strength than brute force and toned forearms. Still, he felt a small guilt for suggesting his shidi could not handle this kind of burden just as well as the physical. He corrected anyone who assumed the man was all brainless, beautiful muscle, yet fell victim to such things himself in low moments like these.
In the silence, Liu Qingge gathered his thoughts enough to speak.
“I would not leave you. No matter how heavy the burden.” After another beat, he added, “nor how weak my shoulders.”
Shen Qingqiu barked a short surprised laugh. He moved to stifle the sound behind his sleeve but stopped just short. Instead, he smiled wider, shoulders easing as he squeezed his shidi’s hand.
Liu Qingge didn't quite smile, but he certainly seemed proud of himself. His eyes traced the shape of the laughter he drew. Without thinking, he murmured “you have such a lovely smile… I wish you wouldn't hide it from me so often.”
His eyes widened when the other man drooped, joy turning slightly bittersweet. Shen Qingqiu tried to cling to the softness of his compliment, but it just reminded him again of the problem at hand.
“Perhaps we should move somewhere more comfortable for this, Liu-shidi,” he suggested, already pulling him toward the small table where they often took tea together. Rather than across from each other, this time they sat side by side. Close enough to keep their points of contact yet still able to look each other in the eye.
Liu Qingge followed easily, intent on finding the heart of the issue as soon as possible. He didn't mean to rush, but he refused also to let the matter fester.
In the end, there may be nothing he could do to alleviate the problem. That would never stop him from trying. Shen Qingqiu deserved the best, and who could claim to be better than the war god of Bai Zhan peak? He could be anything he needed to be for the silly man beside him.
As it was, he knew the time for comfort hadn't arrived yet. First, his closest companion would need to open up in a way he knew existed far outside his comfort zone.
So he would be patient.
That was a skill he had every confidence in.
In the meantime, Shen Qingqiu was starting to get a little freaked out by the way Liu Qingge was staring at him.
He laughed to himself nervously. When that didn't prompt a response, he tried looking firmly elsewhere so he could gather his thoughts again.
He knew his shidi meant well. The open concern and confidence that he would get through this pulled at something in his heart. Still, the difficulty lay in pulling an explanation out of thin air.
Maybe he didn't have to. He excelled in interpreting the other peak lord's intentions after all. He worked hard to build that skill.
Liu-shidi wanted him to be direct. It's what he would do, and it's the fastest way forward.
However, he probably also wanted him to be comfortable.
The whole thing was uncomfortable.
If he had it his way, there would be so much meandering and talking around the subject that Liu Qingge would have to leave before they ever got near the issue.
That possibility needed to be tossed out the window before he seriously started considering it.
Start with a simple question.
That's all.
Something like-
“Shen Qingqiu, do you need help?” Hair tickled his skin when the taller of them leaned forward, head tilting in a way that obviously couldn’t be called cute. How rude to think something like that of a grown man. A warrior, no less.
“Most likely, yes.” He nodded emphatically, shaking those thoughts loose.
Liu Qingge reached across his lap to grab his other hand, both now firmly in his calloused grip. A harsh breath scraped his lungs.
“I do not know what's happened or why it made you feel like this, but I promise you this. I will not be your judge or executioner. I am here to listen.” Grey eyes burned into pale green. “You’re thinking too hard. I want to help, you need only to tell me how. Please.”
The plea sounded like an afterthought, yet it struck Shen Qingqiu more than anything else. Proud men like his shidi did not beg for anything. He should never have to. He deserved the world.
He could give him this.
“It started a long time ago now.” He sighed, fretting over how to begin. “I know you're aware I've been different since my qi deviation. I have no memory of this life before that moment.” No surprise yet, just a confirmation of what most had already expected. “Instead, I've got someone else's memories. Memories very different from the original. That's not important right now though,” he rushed on, waving an awkwardly dismissive hand still clasped in the others’.
Liu Qingge's face practically screamed when will that not be important?!? but he elected to ignore that for his own sanity.
“Most of the time it doesn't bother me. However, something Shang Qinghua said brought back some less than healthy thoughts regarding the change.” He kept it vague for now, unsure how far this sharing session would go.
The war god's expression darkened at the mention of his martial brothers' blame. Clearly he had some kind of retribution in mind and Shen Qingqiu could hardly be inclined to put a stop to it. Maybe tomorrow he would beg leniency since Airplane had so kindly sent their shidi to check in. At the moment, he relished the notion of revenge.
The scholar cleared his throat and continued. “As a cultivator, we don't age the way other people do. This body is already foreign to me, but you must have noticed how it doesn't quite fit. When I frown it looks like something I've done a thousand times, yet when I smile it looks like I've never been happy before. That is not who I am.”
Liu Qingge furrowed his brow in thought.
“I disagree.”
“Excuse me?” The shock knocked him so far out of his self deprecation that he almost slapped the other man.
“You are right that you are not that man. Anyone can see that.” Shen Qingqiu let himself relax a little at that, but continued eyeing him with suspicion. “You are wrong about everything else.”
He sighed and brought their joined hands to his forehead. “How so?”
“I already told you. I love when you smile.”
The Qing Jing peak lord gaped at him. His mouth opened and closed a few times on nothing.
“You can't just say that!” He screeched, glad to already be hiding behind both their hands. “What does that have to do with what I said?”
“You don’t remember being the old Shen Qingqiu. He did smile, and he looked nothing like you when he did. The malice, the fear, they are absent from your eyes.” Liu-shidi tugged his hand back, only to cup his face with it instead. “You frown for sadness and injustice, you smile because you can laugh and have found people you love. You are nothing like that man.”
Tears pricked the corners of his eyes. His traitorous lips pulled up into a wavering grin. Liu Qingge pressed their foreheads together.
“When he smiled, I felt nothing.”
“And, when I smile…?” Shen Qingqiu asked, voice hushed lest it get caught in hope or dread.
“I can think of only one reason I'd ever want you to stop.”
Shen Qingqiu moved without thinking. Any thoughts of denial had left the building ages ago when he let this moment carry on as long as it did.
He titled his head and, as gently as he could, pressed their mouths together. Liu Qingge stiffened for only a second before leaning into the kiss. Just as he started to really enjoy the soft drag of their lips against each other, his companion leaned away again.
A bright flush painted his whole face pink, eyes wide at his own actions. Liu Qingge grinned back at him.
He didn't have laugh lines either, but the way his face lit up more than made up for it. His hand still cupped his cheek, rubbing gentle circles into the flesh there.
“Oh. That was-”
“Un.”
Back to one syllable answers, Shidi! After all that??
The scholar sighed fondly. Moving closer, he leaned his weight against his side. It always surprised him how gentle and warm the war god could be. It would be nice getting used to it.
Those calloused hands traced from his face to his neck and ended on his waist to form a loose embrace.
In the peace of their quiet moment, he braced himself for his final confession. After a few steadying breaths, he nudged his shidi for attention.
“I'm afraid there's one more thing I need to share with you.”
Liu Qingge, unsurprised, bumped his head against the smaller man's like a cat seeking affection. It elicited a fleeting giggle, reminding him there was nowhere safer than the comfort of his arms.
He let the mood turn somber again in the growing silence. Finally, Shen Qingqiu continued.
“Earlier tonight, just before you arrived. I was going to- that is, I thought about… hurting myself,” he confessed as fast as he could without stumbling over words, both bodies tensing at the thought. Pulling away enough to see, he tried to gauge the reaction.
Liu Qingge's frown was as severe as he'd ever seen it, brow furrowed and jaw clenched. Seeing the growing panic on his own face, the war god closed his eyes for a brief, anxious moment. When he opened them again, the anger was gone, only concern and fear marring his features.
“Why?”
A simple question with no simple answer. But for him, the Qing Jing peak lord could try.
“I wanted them to be real. The memories I had,” he explained, eyes shut tight like it would help everything make sense. His voice began to crack. “There's nothing of them here. No scars to mark my progress or wrinkles to show my age. I don't want to forget.”
He buried himself in the blue and white robes before him to drown the way he shook. A sob he refused to voice rattled his chest.
The Bai Zhan peak lord rubbed a soothing hand up and down his back.
“That is not the way to go about this.” His voice stayed gentle despite how harsh the statement felt.
“I know that!” Shen Qingqiu swatted at him, voice wet but offended by the blunt statement. “I can't write them down, or I'll feel crazy! I don't know how else to keep these memories.”
“Even if you recreated the scars, you would be creating new memories over them, and I know that is not what you want. To taint the old memories with the feeling of a blade in your hand.”
“What do I do then?”
“Share your stories with me.” Like it was the easiest thing in the world. “It will not change the way I see you. You were crazy well before this.”
Two jokes in one night! This man was going to kill him with these mood swings.
They both chuckled, breathing a little easier already.
“Maybe I will,” he declared, pointing a threatening finger at his partner. “You better not regret this.”
“I would never,” Liu Qingge vowed, hand over heart.
Maybe it would be the easiest thing in the world.
God knows everything else in this world was needlessly fucking difficult.