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Sweat.
Sweat pasted down my bangs to my forehead, and my hands were shaky. I needed this, but it wasn’t good. It would only be temporary relief, but I’ve always felt comfort in pain…
I grasped it tighter. It was a boxcutter I used to help construct some of my models. I looked around the room. It was my room. I absentmindedly tried to help myself calm down using a method Alhaitham taught me. 5 things I can see. 4 I can touch. 3 I can hear. 2 I can smell. 1 I can taste. Then I ended with three slow breaths—and ended up thinking about Alhaitham. Oh, Alhaitham. What would he say if he caught me doing this again? I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t—DAMN IT, the method wasn’t helping.
“Kaveh?”
I froze, hearing Alhaitham’s gentle yet concerned voice. I could tell, his tones always sounded different depending on what he felt—wait, it’s Alhaitham. Alhaitham saw. He saw, he saw, he— “Al… Alhaitham?”
“Habibi, please put the boxcutter down.”
I looked down at it in my hands, and I could only soften my grip. Not let it go fully.
“Kaveh.”
His tone was a little more stern and firm. I watched in my perephieral vision as he walked over and pried the boxcutter away.
“Alhaitham, just one?…”
I pleaded, reaching out a shaky hand towards him. He threw it far away, and it slid out of the room, instead replacing it with the warm grasp of his own hands holding mine.
“Kaveh, no. It isn’t helping you… You may just feel that blade you're holding is your only friend in those moments, but you can come to me when you feel that. Pain may be comforting, but you don’t deserve it like you think you do.”
I started to cry, my body shaking right after hearing those words. Alhaitham gently brought me close, wrapping his arms around me and letting me cry into his chest.
“f.. fuck… Alhaitham…”
Alhaitham lifted me up with ease, placing me to lay on the bed with him.
Maybe this was better than being punished… Though I need to be for simply accepting pure goodwill. It isn’t right of me to take up Alhaitham’s time and let him offer me comfort and feel like I was of utmost importance to him.
“Shh… You need some rest. Your mind is troubled, and you aren’t thinking correctly. Just remember, whenever you feel like harming yourself, come to me instead.”
Though… I did feel safe. This was nice.
“You’re such an idiot sometimes.”
“Seriously, Alhaitham!?”