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Ichimatsu had never felt so vexed by a little orange bottle. It sat in the medicine cabinet as if it belonged there. Normally he wouldn’t have spared it a second thought. His parents were getting old after all, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for them to take prescription medication, but they wouldn’t go to such lengths to hide it. Ichimatsu almost hadn’t seen the bottle tucked behind a old bottle of antacids and gummy vitamins that he and his brothers hadn’t bothered to take since middle school.
Now, Ichimatsu hadn’t been snooping. He was searching for something to stop his growing headache when the bottle caught his eye.
“Curiosity killed the cat.” He could practically hear Osomatsu's teasing voice in his head.
He tried to push the bottle from his mind as he swallowed two aspirin and left the bathroom, but it was impossible. He hadn’t even gotten halfway down the hall before he turned and all but ran back to the bathroom. He pushed the rest of the cabinet's contents out the way and grabbed the bottle.
Vivactil
What the actual hell?
Ichimatsu hand tightened around the bottle. The name of the medication was not as nearly surprising as the name on the bottle.
Matsuno, Karamatsu was printed neatly on the label.
What was Shittymatsu playing at? Why did he have these damn pills? Was this some kind of joke?
He had a bad taste in his mouth, he told himself it was from dry swallowing the aspirin, but if you asked him why he quickly hid the bottle when he heard his brothers entering the house, he wouldn’t have had an answer.
“Karamatsu wasn’t depressed.” Ichimatsu thought to himself as he watched Karamatsu laugh at his own lame joke at dinner that night. If any of them were depressed it was Ichimatsu himself. Karamatsu was stupidly self confident he saw beauty in this shithole of a world, hell he couldn’t even remember the last time he had seen his brother sad. Sure he had plenty in his life to be sad about, but Karamatsu never seemed to let it bother him. Even after the five of them had ignored him when Chibita had kidnapped him, he returned home with that stupid smirk, the one he thought made him look cool and mysterious, and congratulated his brothers for calling Chibita’s obvious bluff and not getting tricked into giving him any money. In truth Ichimatsu hadn’t really noticed his absence, but who could blame him, with five brothers running around how could he keep track of which one was where.
“So Totty, since you’re a working man, are you going to treat your big bros to dinner?” Osomatsu asked.
Todomatsu finished the rest of his beer and smiled. “Nope.”
Despite the smile, Ichimatsu could practically feel the irritation radiating off him. He was after all the only one with a steady paycheck, Ichimatsu wasn’t sure where that money went because Todomatsu never seem to have more than a couple hundred yen a week, Jyushimatsu had suggested a secret offshore bank account, which wasn’t actually that hard to believe.
He wondered where Karamatsu got the money for those pills.
Ichimatsu froze mid bite. He told himself he wasn’t going to think about that anymore, that it wasn’t even worth thinking about, but it kept floating to the front of his mind.
Mom must be paying for them. Did that mean mom knows Karamatsu is...thinks he’s depressed? If she knew wouldn’t she have told them? If she thought Karamatsu was depressed wouldn’t she ask them to keep an eye on him so he wouldn’t be a danger to himself? She must know that Karamatsu was being ridiculous.
“Come on Karamatsu, cough up whatever you’ve got.” Choromatsu said as he collected money to attempt to pay their tab.
“Ah yes, of course my dear brother.” Ichimatsu rolled his eyes, but he saw Karamatsu pull out a few bills, enough to cover his meal and a bit extra, unlike Todomatsu who paid the waiter in exact change so none of his change would go towards his brothers’ meals. Karamatsu's meal didn't cost very much anyway, he never ate much.
Ichimatsu added some coins to Choromasu’s pile, which surprisingly enough, managed to cover the cost of their dinner for once.
It was late when they started on their way back home. Ichimatsu kept his hands in his sweatshirt pocket to keep away the chill.
“Is there something on your mind nii-san?” Jyushimatsu’s question startled him out of his thoughts.
They hung back from the rest of the group as they walked. Jyushimatsu had a grin on his face as per usual, but Ichimatsu could tell that he was concerned. That thought made him want to laugh. Jyushimatsu was concerned about him when Karamatsu had fucking antidepressants hiding their medicine cabinet. But Jyushimatsu didn’t know that. He’d be willing to bet none of the others knew that.
“You look bothered.” Jyushimatsu said when he didn’t respond.
Bothered? Did this bother him? “I’m fine.” He replied finally.
Jyushimatsu didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t push. He was a good brother like that. He wished Jyushimatsu had been the one to find that damn bottle. He would know what to do. But he doubted Jyushimatsu would know what Vivactil was, and if he was curious enough to ask Karamatsu about it he would most likely lie and tell Jyushimatsu it wasn’t anything big. He wouldn’t want to worry his little brother.
Ichimatsu stopped in his tracks. He was worried. He was worried about stupid Shittymatsu and that stupid Vivactil even though this whole situation could be bullshit, but he didn’t know for sure and he was worried.
“Nii-san?” Jyushimatsu asked.
“I thought I saw a cat.” He lied.
“Silly nii-san.” Jyushimatsu smiled at him.
As far as walks home go, this one was uneventful. They got home and took turns in the bathroom preparing for bed. When they were younger they used to cram as many of them in the bathroom as they could fit so they would all be ready when their bed time rolled around, but without a bed time, they could take some time to have a bit of privacy. Is this when Karamatsu took his pill or did he take it in the morning? Maybe both, Ichimatsu wasn’t sure how exactly it worked.
Karamatsu was already in bed when Ichimatsu finished brushing his teeth. He laid down beside him and even grunted in response when Karamatsu wished him a goodnight.
But he didn’t go to sleep. He tried, but he couldn't fall asleep. He could hear Jyushimatsu’s snoring and Osomatsu muttering nonsense. He was thinking about saying fuck it and going to watch some tv until he felt tired when he felt Karamatsu wiggle out of bed and tiptoe out of the room.
Before today if this had happened, Ichimatsu wouldn’t have cared, but things were different now. He waited, if Karamatsu had gone to the bathroom he would be back soon.
He wasn’t back soon. He had been gone for too long. Ichimatsu felt his chest tighten. If Karamatsu was sneaking around in the middle of the night it couldn’t mean anything good. He got out of bed and left the room, careful not to wake his brothers in his search for Karamatsu. He checked the bathroom first, but it was empty, as was the kitchen, and the lounge.
He wasn’t going to panic, at least that’s what he told himself, until he noticed Karamatsu’s jacket wasn’t on the coat rack where it should be.
He threw open the front door with the intention of searching the whole city until he found his stupid brother and stopped him from doing whatever he was about to do.
“I’m sorry brother, did I wake you?” Karamatsu sat on the doorstep looking more painful than ever with his pajamas and that ridiculous skill jacket on and a lit cigarette between his fingers.
“Couldn’t sleep.” Ichimatsu said, he sat beside Karamatsu and took the cigarette out of his hand, taking a long drag from it. The burn in his lungs was a good distraction from the anxiety that still wouldn’t leave him despite knowing that Karamatsu was very much alive.
“I understand, I myself have had to face the burden of a sleepless night.” Karamatsu said, with his typical dramatic flair.
“Is that a side effect of your medication?” Ichimatsu hadn’t meant to be quite so blunt, but they needed to talk about this, without the others, which was not an easy thing to accomplish during the daylight hours.
He saw Karamatsu’s smile falter. “I-I’m not sure what exactly you speak of-”
“Cut the crap Karamatsu.” he said, foregoing his usual nickname. “I found it in the cabinet earlier today.” Or maybe it was technically yesterday. Ichimatsu had no idea what time it was.
“Why were you going through my stuff?” Karamatsu accusted.
“We share that cabinet dumbass!” He snapped.
“It’s just- It’s not, Vivactil is-”
“I know what Vivactil is. He said before Karamatsu could stumble poorly through a lie.
“Oh.”
Silence hung in the air between them. Not even the wind made a sound. Ichimatsu found himself wishing he had grabbed his sweatshirt or at least some shoes, anything to keep away the cold. Karamatsu didn’t look at him, but instead took his cigarette back from Ichimatsu and finished it up.
“Why the fuck do you have a prescription for Vivactil?” He asked, if Karamatsu wasn’t going to talk then he would. He tried not to sound as angry as he felt, no not angry, betrayed, bothered, worried. A part of him was silently hoping that this was a joke, that Karamatsu would laugh at him for falling for his stupid prank, but there wasn’t any laughter.
“Because the Prozac wasn’t working.”
Ichimatsu felt his entire world shatter. Karamatsu sounded ashamed. Karamatsu who wore what he thought was cool, who talked and acted how he thought was cool, who was so completely unapologetically himself no matter how lame everyone else thought he was, was ashamed. He kept his head down and refused to look Ichimatsu in the eye. Instead he focused intensely on a loose thread on his pajama shirt.
“It wasn’t as bad as the Lexapro though, that was the worst,” he continued, he smiled to himself at some memory that only he had.
Ichimatsu’s frown deepened at this. This wasn’t something new. This was something he had been dealing with for a while and Ichimatsu hadn’t known, none of them had known.
“You’re not depressed.” Ichimatsu said, as if that would change things.
“Really? That’s great news. Wait until I tell my psychiatrist.” He replied sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.
Ichimatsu choked on his own spit. “You’re seeing a psychiatrist?” He asked as he coughed. How long had this been going on? How had no one noticed? Sure they all had a bit of a tendency to ignore Karamatsu but certainly not to this extent.
“Yeah, for about three years now.” He said far too casually for Ichimatsu’s liking.
“You’ve been depressed for three years and you didn’t tell us?”
“I’ve been depressed for more than three year. You guys didn’t notice before, why should I tell you I was getting treatment for an illness you didn’t even know I had?” Karamatsu sounded angry.
His words stung. How were they supposed to know? It’s not like Karamatsu was the posterchild for depression. He was a happy person. It’s not like he sat around and talked about death. It’s not like he cut himself.
Ichimatsu’s breath hitched, but he didn’t really know his brother did he? He kept something this major from him, from all of them, for this long. What else could he be hiding?
“Did you cut yourself, before you got help I mean?” He didn’t know why he needed to know the answer, but he did. He had to know if his brother had been hurting himself. He had to...he had to know if it was his fault.
Karamatsu’s brows furrowed. “Did you run out here because you thought I was going to hurt myself?”
Damn him, that wasn’t an answer. “What was I supposed to think?” He mumbled.
“You found out I was depressed and you’re first thought was ‘Karamatsu’s alone so he must be hurting himself’.” He didn’t sound angry with him, just frustrated. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you guys.” He said that more quietly, so much so that Ichimatsu wasn’t sure if he was meant to hear.
“I never really tried to cut myself.” Karamatsu said finally. “I tried to, not too far before graduation. I tried to use Dad’s razor, but I couldn’t figure out how to get the blades out. Then I tried to use a kitchen knife, but it was too dull, I had to press too hard to break the skin, it made me so afraid, I couldn't go through with it. I used to scratch my arms though. I would drag my nails back and forth until I drew blood. It never hurt that bad, but when the wounds were healing they would itch like crazy. Kind of ironic, don’t you think? It was like my body was telling me to do it again.” He chuckled, but it was a humorless laugh. He was crying now. Ichimatsu could see tears dripping onto his hands that were balled into fists in his lap.
“I hated having to wear my jacket when it was hot out.” He continued. “And I hated that I had to be so careful at the bath house because if one of you saw then you would know. So I cut my nails short, so I’d stop, but there were days I felt like I was going to go crazy if I couldn’t scratch. So now I mostly use candle wax. It only hurts for a second and it doesn’t leave a mark. It keeps the urge to scratch away. If it’s really bad I hold my finger over the flame for a bit, just for a second or two, not long enough to leave any lasting damage.” He held his hands out as proof.
Use, present tense. Karamatsu had been hurting himself for years and no one noticed. Karamatsu was still hurting himself and no one, not one out of the five of them, had noticed. They were terrible brothers.
“Brother, you’re crying.”
Ichimatsu brought his hand up to his cheek and was surprised to find that he was indeed crying. How long had that been going on?
“I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ve never had a chance to talk about this with any of you before, I guess it all kind of poured out. Forgive me?”
Ichimatsu’s heart was broken. Even now Karamatsu was more concerned about how his brother was feeling than how he must be feeling after saying all that.
“No one else knows?” He questioned.
“Well, Mom knows. She was the one who decided I was going to get help.” Karamatsu said.
“How did she find out?”
Karamatsu looked taken back. “It’s not a particularly pleasant story.”
“Nothing about this situation is pleasant.”
“That is very true.” Ichimatsu scooted closer to Karamatsu. He wasn’t good at comforting, but Karamatsu seemed to relax a bit.
“She found a note.” Karamatsu said after a bit. “It was a note I had written for you guys after I decided I would...”
He trailed off, but Ichimatsu could fill in the blank.
“I didn’t, obviously. I don’t remember why I didn’t. I think Jyushimatsu had a baseball game that weekend and I knew that if I didn’t go he’d be sad. It was something dumb like that.”
“There’s no dumb reason not to kill yourself.” The words came out of Ichimatsu’s mouth before he realized what he was saying.
Karamatsu smiled and laid his hand on his brother’s shoulder.
“When I decided that I wasn’t going to do it I shoved the note in my pocket and forgot about it. Mom found it when she was doing laundry. There were many tears, mostly on my part, and she agreed not to tell Dad or any of you if I got help, so I did.”
“I’m glad you did.” Ichimatsu didn’t want to think about a world where Karamatsu went through with his plan. “I was always so jealous of you. Even though some of the things you did were so lame, you always thought you were cool. I never thought I was anything but trash.” He admitted.
“Fake it till you make it, little bro.”
“Does that actually work?”
“Better than you’d think. Sure the bad days are still there but they’re mostly bearable. Complimenting yourself is a good habit to get into.” he said.
“Things are going to be different between us now, aren’t they?” Ichimatsu asked.
“They don’t have to be.” Karamatsu offered.
“They do.” Ichimatsu said. “If it’s a bad day, you’ll tell me, right? I’m shit at comforting, but we could spend time with Jyushimatsu or go bug Todomatsu at work. You don’t have to deal with it alone.”
Karamatsu didn’t respond, but Ichimatsu could hear him sniffling.
“And you should tell the others, eventually. They’d understand, hell they’d might even cut out all the teasing.”
“I don’t want them to worry.” Karamatsu said.
“You don’t need to worry about us. You need to take care of yourself.” Ichimatsu said, with a hint of irritation.
“I am!” Karamatsu exclaimed. “I don’t want them to treat me differently. I don’t want any of you to see me as a frail doll who’s going to break if you say the wrong thing. I don’t want you to get upset when I sneak off to smoke at night because you think I’m trying to hurt myself.”
Ichimatsu ducked his head in embarrassment.
“I’m depressed and I’m going to be depressed whether they tease me or not. I need this to not rearrange my entire life.” He said firmly.
“It won’t. If you don’t want it to, I won’t let it.”
“You can’t promise that.”
“I can try.”
Karamatsu laughed, a happy laugh this time. “You’re a good brother, Ichimatsu.”
Ichimatsu blushed. “Shut up.”
Karamatsu laughed again and things seemed to be less tense. They would get passed this.
“Let’s go back inside Karamatsu, I’m freezing my ass off.”
“Of course my dear brother, I’m overdue for my beauty rest, maintaining my good looks are not as easy as one might think.”
Ichimatsu rolled his eyes and shoved Karamatsu off him. “Shut up and get inside Shittymatsu.” He said, but there was no venom in his voice.
They made their way back to bed, fought briefly over their share of the blanket, and Ichimatsu hit him hard on the stomach when Karamatsu placed his cold feet on the small of his back to warm them up.
It was if things hadn’t changed.
But they had changed.
And that wasn’t a bad thing.