Work Text:
Charles
The darkness outside invites the darkness in me. It always has, it always will.
Mornings are fine, they’re typically good, great, wonderful, even.
Nights are harder. Sometimes borderline unbearable.
Some nights are fine. Not great, but fine. And that’s okay, I guess. I’ll take that over sobbing into my pillow at two in the morning.
It’s typically around six or seven PM when I find that my mood dips. I can feel it coming, usually. A heaviness on my shoulders. A weight on my heart. A deep, encroaching shadow that settles over every muscle. Even when I can feel it coming and I know it’s gonna be bad, it’s still awful.
Sometimes it comes on slowly, seeping into my body like a reverse tick bite.
But sometimes it just hits me. One minute, I’ll be chatting with friends, and then next minute, a horrible wave of depression stitches my lips shut with sharp, bloody wire.
It grows steadily tonight. Slowly, but steadily. Erik, the children, and I all sit down at around five PM to watch a movie, and throughout the course of it, my mood drops more and more, the shadow taking over me with an agonizing sluggishness.
We hit the finale of the movie. I scan the room, noting the happy faces and twinkling eyes. I grit my teeth. I can’t leave right now, we’re having a good time.
Well, THEY are. My depression tonight has been getting increasingly worse over the past hour, and I can tell it’s gonna be a tough night because the thoughts of…not wanting to be on this planet…are slowly filling my head to the brim. Every smile is now forced, and my laughs feel like knives in my throat. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, but I’m pretty convinced I have it. I’m almost certain, actually.
The finale is almost done. Thank God. I just want to go to sleep. I’m not even tired, I don’t know if I could even fall asleep right now, but when I’m like this, that’s the only thing that’ll stop it. Some nights are bad enough that no coping mechanism or deep breathing can pull me out it, only sleeping through the darkness to greet the sun can.
The movie fades out, the credits roll. The children nod their heads, some of them stretch their stiff muscles, and they start chatting about the movie.
I can’t leave too suddenly otherwise they’ll suspect something.
Five seconds. I’ll give them five seconds.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
I drag myself off the couch. “I’m going to bed everyone, thanks for a great time.”
Sean frowns. “Aw, but it’s only seven! We were gonna play games, right?”
I chuckle. Damn it, that sounded so fake. “Sorry, Sean. I don’t think I have the energy for it tonight. Good night, everyone.” I turn around and catch Erik’s eye. He’s squinting at me suspiciously.
Shit. I forgot that he knows me too well, that he knows I typically go to bed between ten and eleven. Damn it, he knows something’s up.
I give him a smile that I hope looks somewhat convincing and head upstairs.
When I shut the door, I change into my sleepwear and retreat to my desk to try to wind down with some journaling. The shadow grows and clutches me in its grip. My mind swarms with dark thoughts:
Life is terrible, life is awful, this is hopeless, completely, utterly, fucking HOPELESS. The world is ending. It’s falling apart, MY world is falling apart.
I slam my pencil against the desk, shoving my chair back. I bury my face in my hands, sucking in breath after breath after breath. It can’t be that bad, right? My depression isn’t that bad, I’m fine. I don’t need to talk about it with anyone, I’ll just vent about the same things. I just need to ignore it and it’ll go away. Tonight isn’t that bad. Right?
I don’t deserve to live.
Oh, shit. There it is. Tonight is that bad.
I don’t deserve to be on this planet. What if I were to do it? I’ve thought about it before.
I clutch at my head and dig my nails into my forehead. Stop it, stop it, they’re just intrusive thoughts, I don’t mean it. It’s just my brain going crazy.
You don’t deserve love and compassion. Everyone hates you. The world would be better if you weren’t in it.
I smack my head with my fists a few times. Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! It’s fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. They’re intrusive thoughts, that’s all they are…
I want to die.
I double over in my chair, letting out a single sob. But that tiny opening splits the dam in two, the crushing sadness overwhelms me, and I lapse into full-body sobs, shuddering in silence as the tears soak my cheeks. My chest heaves, but no sound comes out save the occasional small hiccup on an inhale.
I need to go to sleep, but the thoughts would just keep me up for hours and hours. It feels like I’m fading away, I’m fucking FADING AWAY. I need to go to sleep, it’s the only thing that’ll make me feel better.
This is SO STUPID. I have no reason to be sad, no reason to be this depressed, but I STILL AM. It’s just me and my broken fucking brain that is destroying me, and who knows, maybe this will never end, this will just go on forever and ever and ever and I’m doomed to be a depressed, anxious mess for all eternity, which means it’ll eventually end in me offing myself because what else am I gonna do if I’m just gonna be broken forever–
“Charles?”
I snap my head up.
Erik stands in the doorway, his face creased with concern.
I should say something, like ‘I’m fine’ or something stupid like that, but instead what comes out is a pitiful whine and I drop my head again, a small sob slipping out.
The door closes with a gentle click. Soft footsteps pad on the carpet. Erik crouches in front of me and puts a hand on my knee. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
I swallow back more sobs and force myself to answer. “Nothing happened! And that’s what’s so fucking terrible. It’s just me and my fucking brain and my shitty mental health making me feel really fucking depressed for no reason at all, and it feels like hell because I just want to have a night where I’m happy for once and my brain won’t even let me do THAT!” I sink my nails into my forehead again, and it HURTS, but maybe I can claw the sadness out.
“Hey, easy.” Erik pulls my hands away from my face. He holds them close to him. “Is that all it is? Just...feeling depressed?”
I nod, my bottom lip trembling. The tears are still flowing. “It-it feels like my world is falling apart at the seams. What if this is it? What if this is all there is to life? Just the up and down, up and down, constantly rising between the two extremes? What if this is all my brain’s good for?”
“Charles.” Erik lays a hand against my cheek. “Stop. These are your emotions talking, not you.”
I lean into his touch, my face crumpling with the effort of holding back tears.
“You can cry. It’s okay.”
“I have been.”
“If you need to cry more, it’s okay. I don’t mind.”
I sniff, wiping my face with my sleeves. “It’s just… No matter how many times this happens and I wake up the next morning feeling fine, it still feels the same. Like it’s never gonna get better. Like I’m doomed to feel this way forever.”
“Okay, well, what do you know to be true?”
“Um…” I swipe at another tear that falls. “That…that’s not true.”
“You’re gonna feel better, right? That’s how it always is.” He squeezes my hand lovingly. “And plus, it’s not always this bad. Right?”
“Yeah…”
“But when it is this bad…you know you always have me. However many times you need to vent or cry, I’m always here. It doesn’t matter if it’s the third time this week or the third time today. I will be here for you.”
I purse my lips. “Can I-can I have a hug?”
“Yeah, darling, of course.” Erik pulls me into a hug and holds me, his arms wrapped fully around me in a warm cocoon of support and love. “Mental health is hard. But struggling with it doesn’t make you weak, love. It just means that you need a bit more love, care, and rest, and there’s nothing wrong with that.” He rubs my back. “Okay?”
“‘Kay,” I mumble against his shoulder.
Erik keeps me in his embrace until I pull away.
I scrub at my face to get some of the feeling back.
“How are you feeling now?”
“A bit better.”
“Is there anything else I can do for you right now? Do you need anything?”
I shrug.
“How about…” Erik reveals a thin box from behind him, “a box of chocolates all to yourself?”
I smile, a real one that warms my face. “I can’t say no to that.” I take the box from him and unveil the chocolate. I observe the array of brown treats and select the one that catches my eye first: a smooth, circular truffle with a white squiggle on the top. I pop it into my mouth. Its delicate shell bursts open and a sweet, mousse spills onto my tongue, rich and creamy, with a hint of orange. A shiver of delight runs through my body as the chocolate melts. The taste lingers on my tongue for a bit after I swallow, and I look back up at Erik with an easy smile on my face.
“Did that make you feel better?”
I lean into his space and kiss him, a kiss that says thank you for being the most beautiful, caring, loving person in existence, I love you.
Erik accepts the kiss and lets it last for as long as I want, then we separate.
I rest my cheek on his shoulder. “Thank you.”
“Of course, love. Always.”