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Day 1
After the trial, Kazuma had accompanied van Zieks back to the manor, and now he sat alone in the parlor. Van Zieks had gone upstairs with a bottle of wine to stew in his own thoughts, while Kazuma was left to brood over everything he’d said and done during the trial.
He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He put on a brave front in front of the others, but he had never felt as lonely as he did now.
Night would be even worse. He had a comfortable room at the manor where he had stayed before his memories returned, but his dreams would surely be filled with nightmares, both about the trial and of what he’d almost done before it. He’d see his own hands stained with blood, again and again.
A deep ache formed in his chest. More than anything else, he just wanted someone to hold him. Then he could tell himself everything was all right, even if it wasn’t.
Kazuma had always been inclined toward physical affection. Cultural norms aside, he loved hugging his friends and showing his care through touch. That was the sort of comfort he needed tonight. But again, he was alone. He couldn’t go to Ryunosuke or Susato tonight, not after the disappointment in their eyes when they looked at him during the trial. And a stranger would have no idea of what he was going through. No one would know what it felt like to prosecute a case for revenge, driven by grief and anger rather than justice, and learn he’d been trying to condemn an innocent man.
Well… one person might know what that felt like, actually.
He looked up toward the ceiling. Somewhere upstairs, the master of the estate was lost in his own troubles, with the knowledge that Genshin Asogi had not been the Professor and that his actions in that trial ten years ago had been misguided at best. He would understand, ironically enough.
And he probably felt just as miserable tonight.
Kazuma stood up and started for the stairs.
He found van Zieks in the master bedroom, partway through his third bottle of wine. The older prosecutor gave Kazuma a bleary, glassy-eyed stare. “Asogi?”
Seeing him in such a state strengthened Kazuma’s resolve. He stepped into the room. “We should sleep in the same bed tonight.”
“Surely you jest.”
“I’m dead serious.” He folded his arms. “I don’t want to be alone tonight, and I doubt you do either. It won’t mean anything. It’ll just be for the comfort of knowing another person is close.”
Van Zieks furrowed his brow. “I should think you have far better choices for company than a man you loathe. Why would you seek comfort from me of all people?”
“We’ve both wronged each other,” Kazuma said. “We’ve hurt each other. Comforting each other now… isn’t that a sort of atonement? Besides, we both need comfort tonight, so if we can give it to each other, it just makes sense.”
A moment passed in silence as van Zieks stared at him, and then he inclined his head in a nod. “If that is the atonement you wish of me, so be it.”
That night, they lay down together and wrapped their arms around another in a loose embrace. Kazuma pressed his face against van Zieks’s chest and pretended it was someone else holding him, someone who loved him. He suspected van Zieks was doing the same.
Nevertheless, for the moment it was enough to have anyone there at all.
Day 2
The following night, the thought of spending the night alone still made Kazuma’s stomach tighten with dread. Once he was ready to sleep, he tiptoed down the hall to the master bedroom.
Van Zieks said nothing, but he didn’t object when Kazuma once again curled up alongside him.
Day 5
He was caught, trapped, drowning in blood. He strained to reach the surface, stretching out his hand for someone to pull him up only to find that there was no one to save him—
Kazuma jolted awake with a sharp gasp. His heart was pounding, and his breath came in quick, erratic bursts. The nightmare remained vivid in his mind, and he shuddered in the darkness as he tried to banish it, but the ghastly images and deep chill refused to leave.
His arm brushed something warm alongside him, and he froze. Van Zieks stirred in his sleep with a soft sound. That was right, he wasn’t alone. He let out a shuddering breath and pressed against the other man’s broad back. The warmth soothed something in him, pushed back the lingering remnants of the nightmare.
“…’sogi?” Van Zieks’s voice was thick with sleep. “You all right?”
“I’m fine,” he whispered.
Nevertheless, van Zieks rolled over and touched his shoulder. Kazuma accepted his silent invitation and cuddled against his chest. The other man wrapped his arms around him, and even though it was him of all people, his embrace felt warm and safe.
Thank you.
Although he didn’t say the words out loud, his gratitude remained.
Day 10
“No! NO!”
Kazuma jerked awake to the sound of van Zieks screaming. The other man thrashed in the bed alongside him, fighting with unseen horrors. He cried out again, this time a low moan of despair.
“No… please…”
“Hey.” Kazuma nudged him. “Lord van Zieks, wake up.” He gave him a light shake. “Wake up!”
He jerked and cried out again. “Wha—Asogi?”
“You were having a nightmare.” Remembering how he’d comforted him the other night, Kazuma closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around Lord van Zieks from behind. “You’re all right now. It was just a nightmare.”
Although the other man stiffened at first, he slowly began to relax. He let out a long breath and melted into the embrace. “Thank you, Asogi.” His voice was hoarse. “I… thank you.”
“Don’t mention it. Just get some sleep.
Strangely enough, holding him soothed something inside Kazuma as well.
Day 15
Kazuma opened his eyes to the sight of van Zieks asleep alongside him, and his breath caught in his throat. This was the first time he had woken up before the other man, and he felt as though he’d been given a rare and precious treat. The face alongside his looked so much softer in the dim light of morning, with none of the tension and strain that made him look so unapproachable most of the time.
It brought to mind that photograph he’d found in Gregson’s office, of the young Barok smiling so sweetly before his life had fallen apart. Some traces of that young man still existed, it seemed, even if they could only be seen when he slept.
With an odd feeling in his chest, Kazuma brushed a stray hair out of van Zieks’s face and then closed his eyes to get a little more sleep.
Day 30
The mattress finally shifted as van Zieks got into bed, and Kazuma rolled over to face him. “Finally. I was starting to think you weren’t going to sleep tonight.”
“Pray forgive the discourtesy of reading before bed. Shall I run all my actions by you ahead of time in the future?”
Kazuma scowled at him. Everything didn’t have to be a fight. “I was just surprised since you’ve never done that before.”
Van Zieks shook his head. “You have hardly been here long enough to know my habits.”
“Fair point.” He paused. “Was the book any good?”
The other man almost—almost—smiled. “We’ll discuss it in the morning, Asogi.”
“Good. I’ll hold you to that.”
Day 43
It was long past when they would normally get up, yet van Zieks remained sound asleep in bed alongside Kazuma. Unusual, to say the least. Even on days when Kazuma woke up before van Zieks, it wasn’t long before the other man was stirring and going about his business. But today was a rare holiday for him, as Gina and Iris had joined forces with Kazuma to bully the prosecutor into taking a few days off before he worked himself to death.
Apparently he was enjoying that vacation more than he would ever admit.
Kazuma nudged him. “Hey, it’s after 9. Are you really going to keep sleeping?”
Van Zieks mumbled something incoherent and rolled over.
“You’re not going to spend your whole vacation asleep , are you?”
This time, his muffled response had some intelligible bits. “Go… way… ‘sogi…”
Kazuma stifled a laugh. “I never thought you’d be like this, sleepyhead. Just wait until I write to Ryunosuke and tell him!”
Van Zieks groaned and pulled the covers up over his head, and Kazuma had to cover his mouth to keep from laughing out loud.
Day 60
“…and the evidence is valid, so if they would stop fixating on the little details and actually pay attention to what I’m saying—”
“Asogi, you’ve been complaining about this for the past hour, yet I fail to see what you expect me to do about it.”
Kazuma grumbled under his breath as they got under the blankets together. “Well, you’re the only one who listens to me.”
“Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I am your mentor?”
“Share your wisdom with your lowly apprentice, then.”
Van Zieks snorted. “First, you need to reinvent your argument in a way that they will understand. You might considering approaching the case as you would if you were on the defense, to see what flaws you can find in your own argument.”
“Hmm… I’ll give it a try.” Kazuma rested his head against the other man’s shoulder and puffed out his cheeks. “Sure would be easier if they’d just see things my way, though.”
Van Zieks chuckled and turned off the lamp. “Good night, Asogi. Pleasant dreams.”
“Good night, Lord van Zieks.”
Day 105
“I think dinner went well.”
Kazuma settled against Barok’s side with a smile and pulled the blankets up around them. “And you were afraid it would be a disaster. I can’t believe you put off having dinner with Iris for this long. All that worrying was for nothing.”
“Yet now I will always fear that my enemies may target her.”
At the grave note in his voice, Kazuma glanced up at him and gave his arm a reassuring squeeze. “Don’t worry about that. I’ll make sure everyone thinks I’m the one who enjoys visiting 221B Baker Street and that I drag you with me because you’re my mentor.”
“Thank you,” Barok said softly.
He smiled. “Anytime.”
Day 112
“It’s not a bad book, I’ll admit, but it was rather predictable. Now that I’ve read the book you recommended, there’s some Japanese literature that you really ought to—wait, did you fall asleep already?!”
Day 115
“You look happy,” Kazuma said as he got ready to leave the office.
Indeed, the other man had a genuine smile on his face, such an open look of delight from him of all people that it was almost startling. He held a letter in one hand, and his smile had grown and grown ever since he started reading.
Kazuma nodded toward the letter. “Good news, I assume?”
Barok lifted his head. “Albert is coming for a visit.”
“Albert?” He frowned. “That’s… the defendant in that case right before I regained my memories, right?”
“Yes, that’s correct.”
“How do you know him again?”
“We were friends in university.” Barok gave the letter a fond smile. “I daresay I don’t deserve his continued friendship after how much I’ve changed since then, yet he seems willing to reach out again. When I was at my lowest point, his support meant so much to me.”
When he was in prison on Kazuma’s orders, in other words. Yes, he remembered now, a letter had arrived from Albert Harebrayne and was taken to Barok’s cell. At the time, he hadn’t taken much notice of it.
Something painful twisted inside Kazuma’s stomach. He felt strangely threatened by that letter, as if Harebrayne was coming to take something away from him. But that was absurd. Kazuma had a life outside Barok; he stayed in touch with Ryunosuke and Susato and had befriended Gina. There was no reason Barok shouldn’t have friends of his own.
All the same, he suddenly felt backed into a corner, and he didn’t like it. He needed to do something, to get out, to see people—he had spent all his nights with Barok for over three months now, and that wasn’t enough.
“By the way,” he said, as if he’d always meant to bring this up, “I’m going out tonight. I don’t expect to be back until morning, so don’t wait up for me.”
“Oh?” Barok looked startled. “Where are you going?”
Kazuma smirked. “I have a date.”
He didn’t, yet, but he was damn well going to get one.
#
The man Kazuma found was handsome enough in a serious sort of way, pleasant, and willing to take him out to dinner first, on a date covert enough to not draw attention while still being romantic enough to give him what he craved. Perfect.
When dinner was over, it was finally time to go back to his place for the night—
Kazuma frowned.
Right, he wouldn’t sleep alongside Barok tonight. He wouldn’t see his face in the morning, either. Instead, he would see this stranger’s face.
The thought of waking up to the sight of someone else’s face made him recoil. That wasn’t…
That wasn’t what he wanted.
“Something wrong?” his date asked.
He was probably a perfect gentleman, but at the moment, Kazuma couldn’t stand the sight of him. “I changed my mind. Sorry to cut this short, but I’m going home.”
“What? What did I do?”
“Nothing, I just changed my mind.”
“Got cold feet?”
“Sure, something like that.” Let him think whatever he wanted. It didn’t matter now. This was all wrong.
He didn’t want to go to bed with this man. He didn’t want to wake up to the sight of his face. There was only one man Kazuma wanted to fall asleep and wake up alongside—and he wanted to do it every day, for the rest of his life.
#
He burst into the manor, unwilling to risk wasting even a single second. His heart was racing, and blood roared in his ears. It was never supposed to turn out like this. It was supposed to just be meaningless comfort without anything more behind it. But those days were long gone, and he hadn’t even noticed it happening. Now he recognized that sick feeling from earlier in the day for what it was—jealousy.
He hurried into the corridor and headed toward the parlor where he expected he’d find Barok, just as the parlor door opened and Barok rushed out.
His alarmed expression eased when he saw him. “Kazuma, you startled me. I thought you were going to be out all night long.”
“I changed my mind.” Kazuma swallowed hard. Now that he was here, he felt on edge and anxious, more nervous than he wanted to admit. He’d rather face armed assailants than the coming conversation. “Can we talk?”
“Certainly.” Barok placed one hand on his shoulder and guided him into the parlor, where he sat down in the armchair by the fire and looked up at him. Worry filled his gaze. “Did something happen?”
“I…” Was he actually going to do this?
“Kazuma? What is it? What is troubling you?”
He drew a shuddering breath. He could do this. He just needed to stay calm and composed. That way, if Barok rejected him, he could play it all off as a joke or something that didn’t matter much. Calm and composed. Calm and composed.
Calm. And. Composed.
Kazuma dropped to his knees in front of Barok’s chair. “Tell me what I need to do to have a chance with you!”
“Wha—”
“You’re the only one I want. I realized it while I was out. I want to fall asleep by your side every night and wake up to the sight of your face every morning! I want to spend the rest of my life with you!”
Barok stared at him. “K-Kazuma, I…”
“Please, Barok.” So much for staying calm and composed, but he couldn’t keep the desperation from his voice when he needed Barok so badly. He reached out and clasped Barok’s hands. “Please, just tell me what I need to do, and I’ll do it.”
The other man squeezed his hands in return. “In that case… tell me why you want this.”
“Because…” Kazuma averted his gaze and lowered his voice. “I think I’m… falling in love with you.” More like had fallen. Fallen so hard in love that he could never recover.
Barok drew him up toward him, so close that his breath caught in his throat. His gaze met Kazuma’s, and he leaned in close.
Their lips brushed in a soft, fleeting kiss.
“I’ve desired such a future for a long time now,” Barok whispered. “I thought you would never return my love.”
“What about Harebrayne?”
Barok furrowed his brow. “Albert? What about him?”
Oh. They were only friends, weren’t they? Kazuma laughed, half hysterical, and wrapped his arms around Barok. “Never mind.”
He was going to sleep well tonight.
Day 118
Barok settled down alongside him and leaned in for a kiss. His lips were soft and warm, the kiss comforting and thrilling at the same time. Kazuma gazed into his eyes for a moment and then kissed him again. They exchanged several soft, quick kisses before he snuggled against the other man’s side with a smile on his face.
Such a familiar routine. He wouldn’t trade it away for anything.
He could almost imagine it—decades from now, two old men settling down in bed together as they had for so many years, exchanging a soft kiss as they relaxed in each other’s arms, still in love after so much time…
“That’s quite a smile,” Barok said. “What are you thinking about?”
“Just imagining what our future might hold.”
“Oh? Care to tell me about it?”
Kazuma smiled and rested his head on the other man’s chest. “I’ll do better than that. I’ll make sure we get to see it for ourselves.”