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Words of affection eluded Zelkov. It was frustrating, to finally have someone he loved but not be able to express it properly. Kagetsu knew that Zelkov loved him, there was no miscommunication on their feelings. But it felt unequal, for Kagetsu to say he loved Zelkov over and over when Zelkov could, at best, mutter a “thanks”. Kagetsu insisted it was okay, but Zelkov disliked this part of himself. He wanted to change, irrespective of if Kagetsu needed that change to feel adequately loved.
Zelkov journaled these thoughts, among others, as was his nighttime routine. It was easier to put words to the page than to say them out loud, and was a pivotal part of his day. Without organizing his thoughts and worries and project ideas they’d swirl into a destructive spiral.
Without thinking much of it, he used the next page to do a little exercise.
I love Kagetsu.
I love Kagetsu so much it hurts.
Zelkov stared at the page. Even written down, the words embarrassed him, but it was much easier than saying it aloud.
I love Kagetsu.
I hope I convey how much I love Kagetsu.
I want to do more things to show Kagetsu I love him.
Zelkov closed the journal. That was enough for today, though he was optimistic (for once) that he had found a productive new pursuit.
*
I love Kagetsu.
I was utterly charmed today when we ate onigiri together, and we fed each other from our hands. When grains of rice stuck to Kagetsu, my instinct was to kiss them off, but that felt too forward so I instead flicked them off. That was perhaps not the most romantic of gestures.
I love how excited Kagetsu is about even simple pleasures. A good meal, a nice chat, or a blue sky is all it takes for him to be satisfied with the day. That simplicity might be what made me fall in love. I think my own mental state would benefit from that enthusiasm, that joie de vivre, but I as yet cannot emulate it.
*
I once read a psychology book detailing how people give and receive affection. Kagetsu, obviously, is receptive to all natures of love, but I think my spectrum is more limited. Whatever he says to me, for example, does not much affect my mood. I do not feel the stirrings of affection when Kagetsu touches me unless it is of a sexual nature - holding hands feels good, I suppose, but Kagetsu enjoys it far more than I do. And when Kagetsu tries to do things for me out of the goodness of his heart, I often just get irritated he has deprived me of a chore or task I was looking forward to. Kagetsu still, no matter how often I explain it to him, cannot fathom that I love doing the dishes - but I do. It’s the third best part of cooking duty, after organizing the ingredients for efficient movement and plating the meal.
By contrast, I can do just about anything and Kagetsu enjoys it. It’s rather unfair to Kagetsu, and I feel sympathy for him being stuck with someone like me. I asked him candidly what he would like me to do, and he said, and I quote “do not worry yourself, I just like spending time with you”. I do not think he realized just how much that made my heart race. And then he gave me his stupid smile and I was nearing death.
Within Kagetsu’s supportive words, there was a hint. Spending time with Kagetsu is meaningful to him. That is an easy thing to do - no words must be said, I have only to adjust my schedule for more bonding.
*
Kagetsu noticed right away, and commented on how different I have been as of late. I, never being one to keep secrets, stated I had begun this project of journaling ideas as to how to be a better lover. I could not, unfortunately, say the words I love you, nor could I tell him that was the end goal of this project, but my point came across.
I did not think I was doing something charming, or even praiseworthy, but Kagetsu was so touched by it that he cried. Kagetsu is perplexing, but that mystery is part of what I love.
I love Kagetsu. I hope to be able to speak it out loud soon.
*
I pushed Kagetsu away again. I refused him entry into my bedroom as it caught me off guard. I only realize now, in writing this, he really needed me. I should have noticed right away he was not his usual cheerful self. I am unsure what precisely caused it, but I suppose we all have stress accumulating from our battles.
My duty as a better lover begins with going back to him, I know, but I hesitate. I’m unsure if I will provide sufficient aid to his plight. I am also very uneasy dealing with him when he is not in his usual good spirits.
Not that I plan to not go. I refuse to leave him when he needs me, even if I cannot do a particularly good job of comforting him.
*
Zelkov knocked on Kagetsu’s door, pleased that Kagetsu answered it, and didn’t have any semblance of anger on his face. He likely did feel some, but to a level Zelkov could not detect - he was well-aware he often misread signals, and that awareness didn’t necessarily improve his abilities.
“Hello.” Zelkov started.
“Hello. Would you like to come in?” Kagetsu stepped away and Zelkov made himself at home on the bed. Most nights they spent together were in Kagetsu’s room, simply on account of it being less cluttered, so Zelkov was quite comfortable in this space. In fact, any time Zelkov could manage verbal or physical intimacy, it was in this room, which gave it a permanent association with pleasant times being with Kagetsu.
“I apologize for closing the door on you, I was simply startled and had thought our contact for the day had finished. What ails you?” Zelkov said.
“Nothing in particular.” Kagetsu said. “I was just feeling overwhelmed and missed you.” He got onto the bed, sitting next to Zelkov. He put his head on Zelkov’s shoulder. Zelkov flinched and backed away. Realizing his error, and lamenting the way Kagetsu’s face fell, he settled back into the position.
“Thank you very much.” Kagetsu said. “You have a nice shoulder.”
“You’re welcome.” Zelkov said, and they sat in silence. Just being there was easy. It sounded so simple, but it was progress in their relationship - Zelkov was unused to simply being, simply sharing space with another person and having no goal or agenda behind it.
“Remember a few days ago you told me of a project you were doing?” Kagetsu said. He broke away from Zelkov and went to his desk. “The one with the letters?” He said as he shuffled around. He took out a piece of paper. “I thought it was so sweet, so I did it too! Can you show me yours if I show you mine?” He asked, winking playfully at his innuendo.
Zelkov took the pages, ignoring Kagetsu’s slightly seductive ploy. He was in the mood for a more tender intimacy tonight, but he was certain Kagetsu would not be disappointed in that. Kagetsu was never disappointed in Zelkov, which Zelkov was gradually learning to accept.
“I may show you my letters. I was planning to, in fact. They state things that are harder to say out loud.”
Kagetsu sat looking over Zelkov’s shoulder, as if he wasn’t the one to write these words. Zelkov began.
*
I love Zelkov very much. I was most honored when he said he was doing a project of thinking of better ways to be a good lover to me. I think he is already a perfect lover! My most favorite thing is when he lays down in bed with me, even though I know he likes his own bed best. I also like that he is learning to cook for me, and he is so good at cooking! He makes onigiri even better than those in my homeland!
I do think I know what has been bothering Zelkov - he has not said “I love you”. Truly, I do not see why this matters. They are difficult words for some to say! It comes easily to me, but so do all words. Zelkov is more thoughtful in his words and gestures, and that is good too. It means to get the fabled I love you is a much more worthy challenge. When he does say it, I will know I have done what few others can. That makes it very precious to me, and makes me understand why Zelkov may not want to say it when our love is new.
Since Zelkov is working so hard to be a better lover to me, I too will work hard. I shall dedicate myself to being someone worthy of Zelkov’s “I love you”, and will work tirelessly in ensuring that, when he does say it, I have earned it.
P.S. If you are reading this Zelkov…
I love you! I love you! I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! And I do not care if you do not say it back because I’ll love you anyway!!!
*
Zelkov smiled a little as he read and reread the letter.
“May I keep it?” Zelkov asked.
“Of course! It is for you.”
“While the mood strikes me…” Zelkov turned to face Kagetsu. Kagetsu waited patiently for him to continue with that sincere smile that always made Zelkov feel like he was going to have a heart attack. “I appreciate the letter. And I appreciate you for writing it.”
Kagetsu lunged to give Zelkov a big, choking hug. “You are most welcome!”
“Might I stay the night here?” Zelkov asked. He was very rarely the one to initiate an invitation, let alone intrude upon Kagetsu’s space, but that, too, was a small tell to the positive turns their love was taking.
“Always, Zelkov!” Kagetsu shouted, and he took Zelkov down to lie with him on the bed.
I love you was still probably too hard, but Zelkov would show Kagetsu his journal entries. He’d make a special love letter specifically for Kagetsu, too, and say I love you in that. Then sometime in the near future, the words would come naturally to Zelkov, and he could finally say aloud what he felt in his heart for so long.