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“Would omegaverse count as oviposition?”
Madara slowly turned his head to stare at his partner. Tobirama was panting slightly, like he’d just run up the stairs at full speed to frantically burst through their bedroom door to ask that. Which, actually, is exactly what happened.
“You better be glad I wasn’t on voice chat,” Madara said, closing his laptop and placing it on the nightstand.
“I saw you active in tiktok and tumblr, you weren’t doing anything important.”
Madara rolled his eyes. “Rude, whatever. Please walk me back however many hundred steps it took you to arrive at that question.” He moved slightly to make room for Tobirama on the bed, but the other man just started pacing.
“The anatomy in omegaverse fics makes no sense,” he began.
“I told you to stop trying to make sense of sex tropes. They’re not exactly made to be logical.”
“Then how am I supposed to write about them!” Tobirama hissed, turning to glare at Madara who simply put his hands up in surrender. “So, I like the newer views of all omegas having vaginas and all alphas having penisis. A/B/O dynamics seem to so heavily focus on breeding, so it makes sense. But then what genitalia do betas have? Are they intersex or do they just default to the parts associated with their primary sex?”
“I guess I’d assume defaulting to their primary sex?” Madara guessed. Why was he engaging with this?
“Then why wouldn’t omegas and alphas also default to their primary sex? If genitals are determined by secondary sex, then wouldn’t primary sex be obsolete? It also means one’s designation would be known at birth. There would be no ‘presenting’ as your secondary sex.” He was gesticulating wildly now, red eyes gleaming. Madara almost hated that he thought Tobirama’s passion was hot in this moment.
“But then that brings us back to the issue of female alpha’s not having dicks to inseminate, and male omegas not having a vagina to get inseminated.”
Where was he going with this?
“Traditionally, female alpha’s aren’t really addressed because people care less about female ships-“
“RIP.”
“-and male omegas get impregnated through their ass so, what, their womb is connected to their anal canal? Because that makes sense. But-“
“Heh, butt.”
“But,” Tobirama grit out, glaring daggers again, “if you give birth through the same hole as you excrete waste matter, that’s a cloaca.”
“What.” Madara couldn’t believe this is where Tobirama’s diatribe led them, or that he could completely follow what his boyfriend was ranting about.
“Male omegas have cloacas. They shit and give birth through the same hole. Like a bird. So they should lay eggs, hence the oviposition.”
Madara put his head in his hands.
“That’s not quite oviposition, babe.” This was the man he was in love with. One of the smartest men he’s ever met was an idiot. And Izuna liked to say Tobirama and Hashirama had nothing in common.
“Yeah I know, I’m just mad there’s not a good way to explain the anatomy.” Said idiot sighed and threw himself on the bed beside Madara. “If this were realistic, each combination of primary and secondary genders would all be biologically different. Or there wouldn’t be any biological differences between secondary genders and it would just be behavioral differences. Or, I don’t know, they change genders based on environmental conditions like clownfish. The gender structure in general doesn’t make sense.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s because it’s an amalgamation of like 12 different tropes jumbled together. Smut writers usually don’t care about ‘making sense’ beyond ‘can these limbs contort this way?’”
“It’s not only that, but so many fics also just reinvent traditional gender norms. All omegas are nurturers, all alphas are protectors. It’s bioessentialism but make it horny.”
“I think a lot of the original fics before the Supernatural fandom got ahold of it were for straight ships, babe.” Madara smirked seeing Tobirama scrunch his nose.
Tobirama just groaned and buried his head in the pillow. Madara pet him on the head and grabbed his laptop again. He was positive this was not the last he heard of this and that he would soon be beta-reading whatever deranged omegaverse fic his boyfriend decided to cook up.