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Suffocating.
They were always so suffocating.
He doesn't speak unless spoken to.
For as far back as Ivan can remember, his parents loomed over him like vultures. They watched his every move with cameras all over the house. He wasn't allowed to speak unless spoken to, he wasn't allowed to have friends unless they were a part of the rich-family circle, and he wasn't allowed to pursue any hobby that interested him unless it would be beneficial to the family or simply be a part of the family's line of business.
He despised it, but of course, he couldn't do a damn thing. He was taught etiquette, and he was taught how to behave. His parents put him in piano in his primary years to learn discipline, they said. It was the most fun he had doing anything in his life by himself, and once they realized how much Ivan enjoyed music, they took him out of lessons. They didn't want their son becoming a musician playing and begging on the streets, now did they?
Ivan's life was dull. His memories before first grade are all dull as can be. So black and bleak as can be.
He knows his brain doesn't work like the kids around him. He doesn't understand how they communicate with each other so flawlessly. He studies interactions between his classmates to try and understand... and he thinks he gets it, but... it's still totally lost on him.
He doesn't speak unless spoken to.
He pretends.
He pretends he understands what they mean. He pretends his brain is normal like those around him.
His parents vehemently deny anything is wrong with their child. His doctor told them that he's autistic. He never saw that doctor again. He lived with that word for a while and thought about it now and then. He didn't know what it meant and had no means to learn it.
He tried finding books in his parents' library, but they barred him off from it pretty quickly. They wanted him to be smart, but not enough to outsmart them. They wanted him to behave. He was still able to read really well at his age. He was reading two grades above his level before even hitting first grade. He was called a smarty-pants by his peers, whatever that meant.
He had no friends, obviously.
He doesn't speak unless spoken to.
Ivan started the first grade with nothing in his head. He felt empty, dull, and blank. He didn't know what he was supposed to do or where he was supposed to go. He didn't know what was expected of him; he was only six years old. His teachers at his new grade school were concerned for him. They questioned his parents on why he was so quiet.
They didn't answer, but Ivan knew.
He doesn't speak unless spoken to.
He didn't have friends, obviously.
No one wanted to talk to him.
Because he doesn't speak unless spoken to.
"Hello! I'm Till! What's your name?" The boy with the brightest smile said, holding his hand out to Ivan. He didn't know he was supposed to take it.
Ivan opened his mouth to respond but-
Do I speak when spoken to... with other kids too? Or only adults..?
"I-Ivan."
He drops his head down, hoping that was the right thing to do. He wrung his hands together in his lap, suddenly buzzing with too much of something in his system. There were too many sensations.
"It's nice to meet you, Ivan! Can I sit with you? I brought colors so that we can draw!"
Ivan nodded. He noticed a bandage on Till's cheek. He noticed bandaids all over his legs. He saw something wrapped around his wrist. It looked like a glove, but more uncomfortable.
Ivan wanted to ask what it was. Ivan wanted to know if the boy was hurt. Ivan wanted to help.
But he doesn't speak unless spoken to.
So he sits and he lets the boy talk his ears off. He doesn't mind it. He's very interesting and Ivan likes to hear all of the creative things Till likes to come up with.
He still doesn't talk a lot. The only person able to get more than a few words out of him is Till. The teachers have noticed, and they smile warmly at the sight.
Ivan wants to return Till's smile, but he doesn't know how. When Till asks why he doesn't smile, he says exactly that.
"I'll show you!" Is what Till responds with. And suddenly, Till's hands were on his face; they tugged the corners of his mouth up, and he tried to mimic the motion. Till laughed at him. Ivan felt bad, and it must've shown on his face because Till reassured him that he simply liked Ivan a lot. Till liked that he wasn't like all the other kids.
Ivan didn't know what that meant, but he went with it. He liked Till. He liked that Till didn't laugh at him for being weird or quiet.
Till stuck around him. Wherever Ivan went, Till followed. And soon enough, wherever Till went, Ivan followed him, too.
They were on the playground during recess, and Ivan was sitting against a tree, watching Till pick flowers. He was tying the flowers together in a string, and Ivan thought it was weird. He tied the string together in a circle and smiled happily, seemingly done with what he was doing.
He walked back over to Ivan and crouched down in front of him.
"I made you a flower crown! I'll make a matching one for me, so that we can both be kings! But you get yours first, because I like you so much!"
Till placed the crown of flowers on Ivan's head and beamed at him.
Suddenly, the world wasn't as dull and empty as Ivan originally thought. There was color, and that color was teal. The beautiful teal of Till's eyes.
He followed Till, and Till followed him all the way to middle school. They were always together, never to be separated. When one was absent, the other was quiet and alone, but they were back to normal the next day. Till constantly made gifts for Ivan out of paper. When they started switching classes and having schedules, Till would leave paper stars in Ivan's locker whenever possible. Ivan kept every single one. He had a jar at home that stayed tucked in one of his drawers with all of the paper stars Till left him. When he didn't have a class with Till, he was back to his quiet lonesome self.
People around him were getting meaner. They liked to throw papers at him. They'd laugh at him and call him names. They would try and pick fights with him. They called him a rich snobby kid. Till would fight back for him whenever he could, but Ivan just tugged on his sleeve and shook his head. He doesn't like seeing Till with more bandages, especially if they were caused by protecting Ivan.
Till still got in fights for him anyway.
They still picked on Ivan. They picked on him more when Till kept fighting for him. They called him gay. He didn't know what that meant until Till told him.
"It just means you, as a boy, like boys. Like how boys like girls. Don't listen to them; they just don't understand what best friends are."
Ivan stared at him with pinched brows, confused.
"But I like you. You're a boy, so I am gay, aren't I?"
Till flushed all the way down his neck, sputtering for a minute before responding.
"N-No! I mean like... A boy who is gay would want to marry another man like how a man marries a woman and starts a family... We're just best friends."
That's when Ivan knew he was gay. Or... maybe he wasn't. He just liked Till. He always wanted to marry Till. Ever since he knew what marriage was. Ever since teal became his favorite color.
But I want to marry you, Till.
Was left unsaid.
At the start of seventh grade, Till made friends with two girls. Their names were Mizi and Sua. Ivan... knew Sua already. This came as a revelation to Mizi and Till, who had no idea that their respective best friends were already mutual.
Ivan knew Sua from family events over the years. They were forced in close proximity a lot due to their age. Their families were both rich and familiar with each other. They never really talked to each other, but Ivan respected Sua, as she was older.
In fact, it was with Sua when he learned what marriage was. His parents wanted Ivan to marry Sua when they were older, and vice versa for Sua's parents with Ivan.
He didn't like the idea one bit, he could see Sua more as a sister than anything else.
Things were awkward at first with Ivan and Sua, but Ivan seemed to get along with Mizi quite well. She was bright like Till. Ivan found the familiarity soothing. She seemed to like Ivan too, and was patient with him. He appreciated it to no end.
They met Hyuna, Hyun-woo, and Luka not too long after Mizi and Sua. They were a loud bunch, and Luka seemed like he was being dragged around by the twins. The twins were loud and fun. They were also patient with Ivan, and they taught him how to have fun.
Being with his... friends ... was easy. He didn't think having friends would be easy, but here he was. October of seventh grade and he had six friends, one of which he wanted to marry.
He got used to it. He would enjoy being at school more than he would at home. He felt it was easier to breathe at school than it was at home. It was easier to figure out who he was at school than it was at home. He had friends who could help him find who he was at school.
He was sitting with them around their usual table at lunch, and he simply took in his friends interacting with each other. One of them cracked a joke, and Ivan simply couldn't help it. He was able to identify another emotion: joy. He was so overcome with it that he smiled, he laughed. He laughed for the first time in his life. He laughed to tears. When he picked his head back up and saw his friends staring at him in awe, he felt himself go hot. Was that embarrassment? He looked at Till, and oh he was in love with the way Till looked at him in that moment. He wished Till would look at him like that forever.
But Till wasn't there when he got home.
None of his friends were there when he got home. It was worse knowing he had no way to communicate with them outside of school either, seeing as he didn't have a phone. His parents wouldn't let him have one.
His parents didn't know about his friends. They couldn't know. They'd take him out of that school immediately, and he knew that. They'd deem them all distractions to his education.
Unfortunately, they found out anyway.
There was a parent-teacher conference day a few weeks before Christmas. Normally, his parents didn't go to these events, because they knew his son was doing well in school. However, one of Ivan's teachers apparently begged his parents to come this time, and they relented on the pretense that they were worried his son was hiding something.
How right they were.
Ivan made the mistake of not telling his friends about his parents. He made the mistake of not telling them that he wasn't supposed to be friends with any of them. Sua knew. She knew his parents. He knew hers. Neither of them were supposed to be there. Not even Till knew.
He made the mistake of not speaking unless he was spoken to.
When his parents took him to the conference that afternoon, he sat quietly. He didn't speak unless spoken to.
When he saw Till with Mizi and Sua, he looked away, hoping they didn't notice him. He could see Till turn to him in the corner of his eye. He saw his face light up. He saw Sua notice him and grabbed Till before he could walk over. Ivan thanked Sua a million times over in his head. She knew what would happen.
But Till has always been stubborn. He didn't listen to Sua. She seemed to panic a little bit, but she couldn't grab him again, because Mizi was now questioning her.
Ivan was panicking as Till jogged over, calling his name. Ivan didn't look at him. Ivan couldn't look at him. He couldn't speak unless spoken to. He couldn't speak unless spoken to. He couldn't speak unless-
"Ivan? Who is he?"
Before Ivan could answer, Till answered for him. Ivan bit his tongue.
"I'm Till, his best friend! It's nice to meet you both!"
The silence was deafening. Ivan never found silence loud. He never understood the phrase "the silence was so loud" until that very moment.
He could feel his parents' eyes bore into the back of his head. He cursed the teacher that begged them to come.
"What's wrong, Ivan? Why aren't you looking at me?"
Ivan's throat felt like it was clogged with cotton. Till sounded so sad. Ivan wanted to scream. Ivan wanted to look at his favorite color. Ivan wanted to cry. Ivan wanted to cry.
"Ivan. You never answered my question. You will speak when you are spoken to. Who is this boy?"
Ivan felt fear.
"N-No one, father. Ignore him."
It hurt. The words hurt. It felt like he was choking on glass. Molten glass. Fiberglass.
The silence from Till hurt his ears.
"Oh. Okay."
Ivan didn't know what that sounded like. He couldn't tell how Till was feeling when he said that. He's been studying Till for years, breaking apart every word and dissecting every expression. He couldn't hear what Till was feeling.
But he couldn't look. He couldn't speak unless spoken to.
And since he wasn't looking, he didn't see the deathly glare Till was giving his father. He couldn't hear what Till was feeling, because he had never heard Till with thinly veiled rage before. Till wasn't mad at him, but he didn't know that.
He didn't know that because he didn't look. He didn't speak unless he was spoken to.
And Till knew that now.
His father wasn't happy with him. His father... raised his hand to Ivan. It hurt a lot. Ivan didn't know what was happening but all he knew was that it hurt. He usually wasn't too affected by pain, but his father made it hurt.
He wasn't allowed to go to school for a few days. His parents said they were figuring out what to do with him.
Ivan was scared. He was scared they would take him away from his friends. From his happiness. From Till.
They didn't, though. His saving grace was Sua. She managed to bribe her own parents into talking to Ivan's.
In the end, they sent him abroad to France for a month. It was hell. He doesn't remember all the details, mostly because he blocked them out of his head. He hates it. He was so lonely. He cried for the first time on the plane, and then he cried every night as he went to sleep.
He could barely understand anyone, and had to communicate in English, which he was taught along with Korean as he grew up. In the school he was at during this month, he was ostracized even worse than before. This time however, he didn't have anyone to lean on. He was alone. He had no one. He had no phone. He had to mail letters to his parents updating them.
It was all torture.
Ivan wondered if drowning was painful.
Ivan wondered how long he would have to continue staying silent unless spoken to.
He returned to Korea two days before his thirteenth birthday. His first day back at school was on his birthday. His parents forced him to swear he wouldn't talk to Till anymore. Ivan lied through his teeth. It was easier to lie this time.
When Ivan stepped onto school grounds, he was suddenly overrun with fear.
What if his friends hated him? What if they wanted nothing to do with him anymore because he left them without a word? Did Sua know? Did she tell them? Or did she lie and tell them that Ivan didn't want to be friends anymore? Surely she wouldn't, right?
Ivan was trembling. He bit his tongue and pressed forward. He walked to the table that his friends sit at in the morning. He saw them all sitting there, talking amongst themselves.
Till had his head down, Mizi had her hand rubbing circles into his back.
Till knows today is Ivan's birthday.
Ivan speed walks until he's standing right behind Till. He feels wetness in his eyes again, and he can't be bothered to stop himself from crying. Till was in front of him again, his Till.
He noticed his friends had stopped talking and were all looking at him, waiting for him to do something.
Ivan felt it again, he felt joy. He was happy to see his friends again.
Till must've noticed how quiet it had gotten, because he raised his head up and looked around. He saw where all his friends were looking and he whipped his head around and...
And oh.
Ivan forgot how beautiful teal was. He forgot how beautiful Till was. How could he forget Till's beautiful face?
He saw tears well up in Till's eyes and he started to panic slightly, but it was quickly shot down when Till launched out of his spot and tripped over himself. He hopped up again with some laughter from their friends and he jumped on Ivan.
Suddenly, Ivan was falling. Not in love, no no, he had already done that many times over by this point.
He was... actually falling. Till knocked him down with the force of his hug.
Ivan laughed again. He held Till tight and cried with Till. Mizi and Hyuna got up and pulled them both upright, only to jump on him, too.
He told them everything.
He told them about his parents.
He told them that he was not allowed to speak unless spoken to.
He told them about the torture he experienced in France.
He apologized for hiding it.
His friends hugged him again.
Sua had explained as much as she could during his absence, which brought Ivan some peace of mind. She had definitely earned her title as Noona in his mind and his heart.
Ivan was back at home. Even if that home was at school.
Ivan got two phones on his fourteenth birthday. He got one from his parents, and he got one as a collective gift from his friends. He got the phone from his friends first, and they had told him they all pitched in to get it for him, since they were tired of not being able to communicate with him and felt horrible for leaving him out of so many things simply because he couldn't talk to them outside of school.
Sua instructed him on how to hide this 'burner' phone. She told him how to use it, how to turn off his location, how to turn off tracking, and all of the fun things that would save him from getting caught.
When he got home, his mother handed him a brand new phone, already set up with many, many, restrictions and parental controls. They said it was only to be used to communicate with them. Ivan thanked them and went to his room and pulled out his burner phone.
They all taught him how to use various different social media sites, they taught him about the wonders of Google, they educated him on what they found funny. They sent him funny videos, and he learned a lot of things.
He looked up what autism was.
It was still bothering him, after all. It's been years, and he was still never given an answer. He had heard the term in passing here and there, but he still could never get an actual explanation.
He went through several websites and forums and learned a lot of things. He learned why his brain worked the way it did.
That doctor said he was autistic, and his parents said no, there was nothing wrong with him. But Ivan knew something was. Did they just want to believe his son was picture perfect?
He called Till immediately.
He spoke without being spoken to. Till allowed him. Till always allowed him.
"Till. Do you know what autism is?"
"...Kinda? Some of the special ed kids at our school are autistic, I think. Why?"
"A long time ago, my parents took me to a doctor. He said I was autistic, and my parents denied it. I've lived with that word ever since then, but never got an answer as to what it was. I always knew something was wrong with the way I did things and that I wasn't normal. Everyone around me seemed to know, too, with how I was treated."
"Right. I know that, too. But I always found it easier to talk to you than anyone else. People thought I was weird for how I did things, too."
"...I looked up what it meant. That doctor was right. I am autistic. It feels..."
"Nice, doesn't it? Having a name for a feeling you've had your whole life? I figured out I might be the same, but I also found something else, too. I might not be just autistic, but also ADHD."
"ADHD?"
"Another type of disorder that falls under the same category as autism. I'll explain it in better detail tomorrow, and you can tell me all about what you found, too!"
Ivan smiled. Till made him smile even when no one could see him. He didn't have to fake it, he didn't want to.
"Thank you, Till. Sleep well."
"You too, Ivan."
They talked about it every chance they could for days. They were looking up sources, going to the school library, and bouncing thoughts off of each other.
Ivan liked knowing that even with a label to the way his brain works, Till was still there, Till was still with him, and he would never be alone. Not as long as Till is here.
When they entered high school, Ivan knew what masking was. He realized that he masked differently than other autistic people might. Instead of masking and pretending to his friends and in social situations, he only masked as the same obedient boy he was raised to be to his parents. He pretended to be something he was not to his parents, while being himself and enjoying life with his friends at school.
When they entered high school, dating became a lot more... important? He only wanted to date Till, so he didn't notice or care too much. He knew people started dating in middle school, but again, he didn't care and only wanted to date Till.
However, he realized that Till didn't want to date him. Of course, he would never force him to. He would never make Till do anything he didn't want to do.
But now he's going back to the conversation they had a few years ago, about when Ivan was bullied and called gay.
Till was not like Ivan. Till was straight . It hit Ivan like a truck when Till had pulled him aside and confessed that he liked Mizi.
Till liked Mizi.
Till... liked Mizi. He liked her how Ivan liked him.
Ivan swallowed down whatever he was feeling.
Suddenly, he wasn't just masking to his parents.
He started masking to Till. Something that he's never done before, something he's never had to do. Till has always known the true authentic him. Till helped build who Ivan was. Till taught him how to be.
And Till's heart belongs to someone else.
Ivan won't lie that he started to pull back after learning this. He distanced himself. Till noticed, of course. Till notices everything about Ivan. And when Till noticed this specifically, Ivan realized that not having Till at all would hurt more than watch him be happy with another.
So he bit his tongue.
He bit his tongue and he didn't speak unless spoken to.
When Mizi and Sua came out as lesbians (he had to look that up) and dating, he watched Till. He watched Till's face.
He saw the exact moment Till put his own mask on.
He knew Till would be experiencing the exact same thing Ivan was experiencing.
He would comfort and hold Till through it all, even if he was choking on glass when he was alone.
He listened to all of Till's songs, he helped him with the lyrics where it was needed, and he swallowed the glass.
He listened to Till. Like he always did. Like he did when they were in first grade.
When Ivan began sneaking out at sixteen, he would find Till in his own broken home, and he would hold him at night.
He came to realize that it usually wasn't about Mizi, when he cried. It was far worse. He held Till tighter, avoiding the bruises that littered his body.
"Cheer up, Till. I'm here."
He still has that jar of paper stars sitting at the back of his drawer. It's still not full yet, maybe one day he'll ask Till to finish filling it up.