Work Text:
“Dazai, I need you to fill out the report for the case we just dealt with” Kunikida says as he walks in to see the aforementioned Dazai not doing his work as per usual.
“Chill out I’ll fill out the report in a bit, I need to do some stuff first”
“What stuff? Finding ways to kill yourself?”
“No. Just- my anniversary is coming up in like- 2 days and I have nothing planned?”
“What kind of anniversary are you talking abou-”
Kunikida looks over at Dazai’s computer screen to see ‘wedding anniversary ideas’ in a google search bar and the sticky notes app with various ideas written down. Many of the links in the search have been clicked.
“My 4th wedding anniversary is coming up, Kunikida and I’m severely lost”
“4th wedding anniversary... hang on- you’re MARRIED?! For- 4 YEARS?!”
“4 years on Friday”
Little did Kunikida know, Dazai is doing this on purpose. Infact, he’s had his anniversary planned for months, he just wanted to stir up some drama for the day. Dazai also may as well let the agency know about his relationship. However, the real drama hadn’t even begone just yet.
“I really pity whoever decided to marry you”
“That’s so mean, Kunikida”
“No seriously, who would willingly put up with you let alone let you plan an anniversary”
“Why are you so mean to me?”
“Who is your wife, anyway?”
“That is a good question”
“You’re not going to tell me?”
“Why don’t you guess? Use those detective skills of yours”
“Do I at least know the person?”
“Maybe?”
“Does anyone in the agency know?”
“I mean, there’s Ranpo- but that's a given. Fukuzawa knows because he’s the President and needs to know about those types of things. Yosano, Kenji and Kyouka figured it out, so they also know.”
“You didn’t think to tell your work partner about this?”
“I don’t know, I just thought it would be funny if I didn’t tell anyone”
“You didn’t even tell Atsushi?”
“Nope.”
“Didn’t tell me what?” Atsushi commented as he walked in and joined the conversation.
“Apparently. Dazai is married”
“Huh?! For how long?”
“Our 4th anniversary is on Friday”
“4 years?!”
“He’s also not telling me who he’s married to”
“But Kunikida, the guessing game is so much fun”
“I don’t want to play a ‘guessing game’, I just want you to tell me”
“Atsushi, do you want to join the game of guessing who I’m married to?”
“Y’know what? Sure, whatever”
“Okay! This has become a competition. The first person to guess correctly is the winner and I will do whatever they want me to do. You can ask as many questions as you like, just can't be about the physical appearance or name of my spouse.”
“This is not what I had in my schedule for today”
“Well, we know you’ve been married for basically 4 years. So, how long have you been together in general?”
“Great question, Atsushi! Anyway, we started dating about a year before we got married so 5 years”
“Hold on- how long have you know each other as a whole?”
“That was also a good question, Kunikida. And to answer we’ve known each other for over 7 years now.”
“I’m surprised anyone can put up with you for that long.”
“Stop being so mean to me. Kunikida”
“Then stop acting like an idiot all the time. Now, Atsushi I believe it’s your turn to ask a question”
“Um- okay. Do you have a husband or a wife?”
“I’m married to a man”
“Wait- you’re married to man?!”
“It’s pretty well known that I’m bi- are you too invested in your ideals to notice or something?”
“My apologise- but in my defense, you flirt with way too many women”
“I actively flirt with men, too”
“Seems like I need to be more observant, then” “Anyway, how would you describe your husband?”
“Well, he’s annoying and is very mean. However, he’s really good at taking care of me and I take care of him when he needs it.” “Anyways, Atsushi I believe it is your turn to ask a question”
“They’ve known each other for seven years, they help each other out when they need to, Dazai is married to a man, and he finds him annoying and mean” the weretiger mumbles to himself as he tries to come up with a question. “Hold on- there is a possibility that he could be the person and I’m pretty sure his husband is someone we know otherwise he wouldn’t have us play a guessing game-”
“...Atsushi?”
“Oh- yeah sorry- just trying to figure this all out and think of a question ha, ha.” Silence fell between the three men. Dazai, sitting there with a smug expression on his face while Kunikida and Atsushi sit there trying to figure this strange mystery out- thinking back to everything that their coworker has said to them or just yapped on about idly. Suddenly- it seems that he wasn’t just talking nonsense, and they should’ve been paying more attention. All the people that Dazai knows and sometimes talks about- there are few that he talked about with the same cadence with the way he’s talked about his husband so far-
“Hang on-”
“Yes, Atsushi?” the bandaged one asked, stifling a laugh.
“No way- Dazai-”
“You seemed to have found out something” still, trying not to burst out laughing
“You’re married to Port Mafia executive Chuuya Nakahara?!” and like that, Dazai bursts into laughter.
“Wait- WHAT?!” Kunikida responds after seeing Dazai’s reaction to Atsushi’s accusation.
“Um- surprise?”
“What the fuck?” is all Kunikida could say in response. In hindsight it does sort of make sense. Dazai is incapable of shutting up about certain people and the mafia executive was one of those people. Though, Kunikida just chalked it up to the fact that they knew each other in the past and were forced to work together while in the mafia.
“Anyway, well done, Atsushi. You win, what is your request”
“I’m going to have to get back to you on that”
“Alright, feel free to get back to me when you’ve figured something out”
“Okay, so I’m going to go help Kyouka with something. Good luck on figuring out your anniversary”
“Okay, bye then”
“Well done on solving this, Atsushi. See you later”
Just like that, the winner of the day's challenge was off leaving the original two in the office there alone.
“So, how on earth did the whole thing with you and Nakahara even begin?”
“We spent a lot of time together in the mafia and things just kinda happened. I can’t take credit for us getting together, though”
“Really? What makes you say that? Did Nakahara ask you out first?”
“Not really. I mean- I didn’t even realise my feelings until I talked with my friend, Odasaku about it all. He helped me realise how I felt. I didn’t even know that it was possible to like multiple genders”
“You’re telling me, that Chuuya Nakahara was your bisexual awakening?”
“I wouldn’t say he was. I definitely found a few men attractive before Chuuya. I just didn’t have the words to describe what I was feeling”
“Well, Dazai, I must get back to doing my work. I wish you well for your anniversary. Though, I do need you to your damn paperwork”
“Don’t worry, Kunikida I will do my paperwork. I’ve already got a plan for Friday. Thank you, though”
“You mean to tell me you already had a plan?!”
“...Maybe”
“...And you also planned for this whole ‘guessing game’?”
“...Mayhaps?”
“Goddammit, Dazai”