Chapter Text
There was a suffocated cry, sobbing and a mess of screams and something shattering. Sayori continued her anxious pacing around the room, which had been going on since earlier in the evening. This was the night Natsuki would leave her abusive father – for University and then maybe forever. At first it had seemed like a good idea to tell him only on the last day, all packed up and good to go. “He’s been okay lately”, the pink haired promised, resisting help “I can deal with him by myself.” But she had disappeared for hours. When she called, there was suffocated crying, sobbing and a mess of screams and something shattering.
“S-Sayo... I'm locked in my room and can’t… get out.”
“Right… Ho-hold on, Suki… I’ll be right there, I promise”
Sayori heard a loud guttural sound from somewhere and hung up the phone with shaking hands. She had no idea how she was going to drive in that state, she could barely see the keys on her phone as she called the police to Natsuki's house, she couldn't make out her own voice giving directions. But she would get there, and they would leave this behind once and for all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was 10 days ago , Sayori thought, turning off the yellowish light in the bathroom of the small dorm they now shared in University. That night, the pink-haired girl had gone for a run earlier in the evening and had given no sign of where she was going or when she would be back. But when in the dormitory, she usually locked herself in the bathroom, seeming to always assume Sayori was asleep, immune to her suffering, to the way she punished herself quietly. And Sayori did force herself to sleep for a couple nights, thinking that maybe she just needed time and space after everything she had been through. But many days had now passed since that night. Natsuki's eyes were often bloodshot and when lethargy hit her, she would purposely push herself out of sleep, like it was a dangerous thing. And this started happening after she slept almost continuously for the first few days, never seeming to be really awake. It just completely switched.
And Sayori knew she couldn't save her. She spent most of high school learning that, tending to emotional and sometimes physical bruises and holding back screams for justice when she saw the girl she loved return to the place she called home, feeling her heart ache every time Natsuki went back to believing that things at home were getting better, only to have them get even worse. She could never save her, but she could offer help. Natsuki had once called her “my personal anchor” and never had Sayori felt stronger, even though her help was so quiet, so soft. So she had attempted to offer help in one of the nights and it had gone something like this...
“Suki?” She called out from the doorway that separated the bedroom from the bathroom. Sleep deprivation made the girl with the now more faded pink hair alarmed by whispers and sudden arrivals. She usually became restless after the sun went down, the agony growing in her until she couldn't stand to be still any longer. And so began the anxious checking of windows and doors, of her things still packed in few boxes, the trail of thoughts and worry, the stupid worry about her father, who had given her nothing but a cut on her eyebrow, for which she had needed stitches, and a stabbing pain and fear that would perhaps last her lifetime. “ It happened just now, just a few days ago , that’s why it still hurts so much” , she thought to herself, looking at her face in the mirror, oblivious to everything. So it didn't help much to call softly, as she still turned quickly from her spot by the mirror, her eyes blinking rapidly.
“W-What? Did I wake you up? D-Do you need anything?”
“No, I just came to check on you. It’s a little cold here…”
“I’m alright. Just couldn’t go back to sleep, but… you really should.”
“Hey… Don’t shut me out like this” Sayori approached the smaller girl and held her cold hands, slowly intertwining her fingers. Natsuki's gaze lingered on the gesture, looking lost, half asleep “I-It’s been more a week already, Suki…”
Natsuki looked alarmed, suspicious. She looked at Sayori's face, trying to catch the hint of an exaggeration or a joke at the wrong time, and then down at their hands again. More than a week since that and it still felt awful, she was still a mess of a person. Maybe even worse. And if leaving home wasn't her salvation from the torment, she thought, what would be? What if she was just like her father, pushing Sayori further and further away with the violence inside her until she too had to run? Until she had to run away from her. So Natsuki shut down completely in her thoughts and Sayori saw it happen on her face. Her expression wavered until it stopped in irritation and confusion.
“Just… leave me alone!” She raged like a hurt bear and took a step back, letting go of the hands that were holding hers. It was sudden, but Sayori didn’t step back. So she came back softer, feeling tears welling up in her eyes “I just can’t, Sayo. I just know I’ll have nightmares. I can't go there again. ”
Unlike everything she had ever known, Sayori's expression didn't suddenly change. Her patience didn't run out unexpectedly and the small room wasn't filled with shouting. Somehow, her eyes became softer.
“It does sound so scary, Cupcake” She brought back their high school nickname, reminding Natsuki of who she still was “But you look exhausted… That won’t help you defend yourself, right? Still, we tried your way for the past nights, can we please try my way once? We really don’t have to do it again if you have nightmares or if it makes you feel unsafe. Just… Let me reach out to you. Like I used to do in school, remember?” Sayori held out her hand again. “Please?”
‘Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you've been ruined’, Natsuki had once read somewhere, and this was exactly how it felt to have that hand held out to her. That soft voice, bright eyes. But then again, Sayori was always kind, always went the extra mile without making it sound tiring, like rotten work. There was no doubt in what her eyes said because it had always been there for her, that same tenderness, the same open door.
But that night, her imaginary punishment wasn't over yet. She still had to come to terms with the twitching thing inside her to trust that opening her arms wouldn't leave her completely vulnerable. To protect herself now was to punish herself, it was all she could bear. So she pushed Sayori's hand away gently and smiled, as a heavy tear fell involuntarily from her left eye.
“I need time,” She whispered, a stab in her chest as she watched Sayori tuck her hands back into her pajama pockets “But I heard you. Swear I did.”
The coral-haired girl wrestled a little with herself and her own demons, which would start a trial at any sign of rejection. She fought bravely, standing there in the bathroom doorway, her cold hands in the pockets of her pajamas, wanting more than anything to take Natsuki in her arms and make her feel at peace, to somehow grant her that sweet peace, easily and completely. But it didn't work that way, she knew it quite well. So she took a short breath and prepared to go back to bed. And above all, her feelings hadn't changed.
“I-I believe you. Whenever you’re ready… I’m by your side, Suki.”
Natsuki slammed the door as soon as Sayori left because it was all she knew, and the familiar sound broke her heart into a million pieces and made her cry, comforted by the icy tiles of the bathroom. Still, she didn't allow herself to sleep, obsessively going through the entire conversation, proving that she didn't deserve the softness of the bed next to Sayori for all her irredeemable cruelty. But somehow, Sayori's kindness had been left there and infected her thoughts, denying them one by one. The voice in her mind had been replaced by Sayori's and her voice wasn't mean at all. She was saying, instead: “why are you punishing yourself if it was never your fault?” and “I'm sorry you don't believe being comforted is being safe”. Time was given to those voices then while, in the room, Sayori waited and hoped, crying herself to sleep.
That night, minutes after Sayori turned off the light in the bathroom and prepared her bed to lay down, trying to trust that Natsuki was safe somewhere, outside, she heard the door being opened in urgency. And the pink-haired was there, sweaty and panting, her hair sticking to her face, her cheeks red. She tried to smile, but her breathing made it hard.
“H-Hi. Hi. I think… I think I’m ready.” She said the words Sayori had been waiting to hear all these days, resting her hands on her trembling knees. The coral haired girl came closer to her, both enchanted and terrified by whatever was happening “I just… might freak out later. But right now I f-feel… ready.” Sayori rested her hands on her knees so that she was level with Natsuki and their eyes met, face to face. Natsuki flashed a little smile. “What’s the first step to your way, boss?”
She wanted to say “really?” just to confirm that she wasn't imagining it or understanding what she wanted to understand, but right then it seemed so true that she didn't want to risk it. Her heart hammered in her chest at the ridiculous-for-the-moment realization that Natsuki looked adorable with her hair stuck to her face, as adorable as she usually looked in PE class when Sayori watched her run.
“Alright… the first step today is… Mm. Showering.” She muttered, trying to get over herself and her high school crush.
“Right.” Natsuki adjusted her posture, stretching her arms upwards, and Sayori did the same “Will you come with me? Like… Not shower with me, of course, you’re already in your pajamas” She blushed, looking at her feet before continuing. “But hmm… Wait for me there and stuff. And talk to me. I don’t wanna pull away just yet.”
“Of course, Suki. I mean I… Would. Come with you, even if I’m already dressed! I…” Sayori scratched her nose, something she sometimes did when she was nervous, and Natsuki giggled a little “Not like, in a weird way or anything, just… If you needed me, of course… But I assume it’s not the case, today. Which is totally fine. Anyway, I will talk to you from the outside, yes.”
The two laughed awkwardly at their own feet before Sayori threw an arm over the smaller girl's shoulders, guiding her into the bathroom before she gave up on anything she was trying to do then. And she almost did, in fact, as she stood in the shower and looked down at her weak, bruised body, almost feeling the euphoria of the run leaking down the drain. Sayori talked about some new students arriving at the dormitories in anticipation of classes starting in a week, and when the cabin door opened, it was only brittle, forever hurting Natsuki again, wrapped in a towel. Sayori was leaning against the cold bathroom wall, sitting on the floor, and looked up at her.
“You are so beautiful…” She whispered, unable to help herself.
“The damn stitches left a scar” The pink-haired girl shrugged, and even more when Sayori came towards her holding a small pink towel to dry her hair.
“You are so beautiful” She said again, same tone, more tenderness. Somehow, there was no limit to how much affection Sayori could pour into the world, into her world . She dried the wispy hair a little with the towel and then brushed it, making a sad expression every time it fell out in clumps, though she tried not to let Natsuki see. She probably wasn't eating properly and surely wasn't sleeping, but that night she had opened the door, and it was more than enough. When they left the room, Natsuki in pink pajamas, Sayori went forward excitedly, opening one of her last moving boxes, a small one. From it, she took out a rose gold electric coffee maker and cracked a smile.
“I’m finally putting this thing to use! I'm going to make us the creamiest, warmest hot chocolate tonight.”
“Hey… Dude, you seriously don’t have to.”
The smaller girl tried to argue back, leaning against the wall outside the bathroom. Sayori paid no attention to her, fitting the capsules she needed in, putting the cups they had brought in the machine and getting some water in the bathroom. As the coffee maker began to heat up, making noises, she turned to find Natsuki watching her.
“It’s a step on my way, sorry. Mandatory .” She smiled warmly, and offered her hand again. A flash of fear almost made her pull her hand back, but she bravely, bravely stood her ground. Natsuki had proved to her that time really was capable of bringing things back, of changing things.
So this time, Natsuki didn't run away. She reached for the outstretched hand.
“I’m really fucking scared…” Natsuki whispered when she got closer, taking the courage of looking into Sayori’s ocean eyes. They were fearful, but soft. “But it does not make a difference, really. If I’m awake and torturing myself by remembering and being paranoid or sleeping and being tortured by nightmares… At least this is less lonely.” She seemed to take a moment to think, looking down, and then approached suddenly, causing Sayori's breath to catch in her chest “I do remember, Sayo. It kills me to think you might think I don’t, I do . You were my personal anchor all through high school. I never lost anything by letting you in, you are not… the person who hurt me. I just don’t know how to go back to being whatever I was before that. To whatever we had. But, please, just know that… this is me trying.”
Sayori felt some kind pf shiver run up her spine, but from the inside: a multitude of moths flapping their wings. Natsuki remembered, then! Their messy, unnamed situation at school, in which they knew they had some kind of feeling for each other but never acted on it apart from occasionally kissing in a “playful, friendly way”, especially since Natsuki almost always ran away in fear. She remembered how, one day, they had promised that things would be different when their parents home was left behind, when they were together in college. And things were different indeed, everywhere; just not in the way they had hoped them to be. But still, Sayori had waited patiently to hear that it was true, that there was hope for her dreams. The machine made a soft pop, waking her up to the present, where Natsuki was standing right in front of her. She moved quickly out of her trance, holding Natsuki’s face, but nothing about what she was thinking of came out of her mouth.
“Right!” She said, instead, a bubbly tone “Go to my bed, I’ll go get these for us.”
Suspicious, Natsuki climbed into Sayori's bed, feeling her fear crawl up her stomach like a tiny spider, terrified of suddenly falling asleep and being teleported back to that house. There had been so many days of accumulated sleep that she felt her eyes begin to close on the slightest contact with any soft surface. Now it was even harder, fresh out of the shower and wearing something comfortable, smelling hot chocolate and Sayori.
Meanwhile, the girl with the coral pink hair came towards her, clearly making an effort not to spill the content of the two cups, which would be very much in character for her, and put them on the bedside table. She then climbed into bed, covering their legs with her soft blanket, and finally handed Natsuki her cup of the creamiest, warmest hot chocolate.
“Careful not to burn your tongue, okay?” She intertwined their legs and took a sip from her cup. Natsuki imitated the action and warmth invaded her all over and it was hard to take in at first, hard to accept it. Her body had been molded after cold tiles and cold leftovers. With Sayori, it was just warm everywhere and to her sensitive heart, it felt like it was burning. But she still tried.
“Are you gonna say anything?” The pink haired said in a low voice, finishing her drink quickly in just a few sips. It was the warmest, most delicious thing. Sayori took a deep breath, looking at her cup like she was trying to spot something on it.
“I know you’re trying your hardest, Cupcake. This is… rough. It's not even that it was rough that night, it's that it's been rough ever since we met. Since... forever.” She took another breath, then put her cup on the bedside table, picking up Natsuki's to put there too. When she came back, she was facing the smaller one, looking into her eyes. They were emptier than a second ago, her scar as a reminder of why. “But I said I'd wait for you and I... I really meant it. I wasn't sure you remembered, but still… I’m by your side, in any way I can be. Because I adore you, Suki. I always have, always will.”
Natsuki blinked slowly twice, looking at Sayori. Sleep deprivation was starting to make her thoughts jump over each other, getting confused, and the euphoria somehow mingled with melancholy. Not knowing what to say, she let her head fall on Sayori's shoulder and let herself feel adored, as she had heard she was.
“Ugh, I can’t believe you thought I forgot, idiot” She chuckled softly, inhaling Sayori's scent into her lungs, into her whole body. That was the final challenge, then. The sum of all parts of sweetness and warmth. Could Natsuki bear not to be lonely? “It was our dream… I know… I’d never… forget.”
“Tell me more when you get at least 12 hours of sleep, Cupcake” Sayori whispered, turning off her nightlight and adjusting their bodies on the bed so that they were lying down, Natsuki's body almost entirely tangled up in hers. She was so, so malleable there, so soft, almost falling. Sayori ran a gentle hand through the strands of her hair, hoping that sweet dreams would reach her. “Goodnight?”
“D-Did we lock the door?” Natsuki opened her eyes, her body alert and tense again against Sayori’s hands. She tried to get back up to check, but Sayori held her back, reaching for the keys on the bedside table, making a gentle jingle.
“See, I'm well conditioned to put them here every time I lock the door. I've had to develop special Pavlovian conditioning abilities because of my ADHD so you can rely on that.”
Natsuki started to laugh a little, her body relaxing again, drunk on sleep. She laughed and laughed more than she thought possible, and of course she was laughing with Sayori, her best friend who had come with her to college so that they could finally figure out how to be together in the way their hearts had been asking for. And it would probably start that way.
And Natsuki did have nightmares. How could she not? That was all she thought about for the past few days, her heart, mind and soul were bruised everywhere. But when she woke up, she was inside Sayori's grip and it quickly grounded her, the sweet smell and soft breathing reminding her of where she was and the steps it took until she finally fell asleep, safe. Her lover was sleeping soundly, soft and pure. They were safe inside the University dorm, miles and days away from the home she grew up in, to which she would never return. And Sayori was right there, like an angel, like a crowbar. Nothing bad would happen.
Natsuki fell back asleep, no dreams this time.