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“I love you.”
The words spilled forth from his lips, with such fondness and genuinity. Yuu wonders that if it were anyone else, if he carried anyone else’s heart, would it flutter? Would it skip a beat and pound at the promise and dedication?
It ached. Maybe because that was when Mika died, yes. But, that wasn’t all. Because how else should he reply to such a heartfelt confession? Yuu loved Mika, of course he did. But he also wasn’t…like that.
It ached, because Yuu knew that no matter how much he desperately wished for it, he could never love Mika the way he wanted him to. And, by every god that has ever existed under the sun, Yuu wished he could. To feel his heart beat against his chest, squeeze at the sight of such an affectionate gaze from a vampire that should not even be able to feel anymore.
And yet, Yuu was empty.
You know, he once learned that the color black wasn’t an actual color. If anything, it was the absence of such. And it was the same as the darkness. The absence of light creates shadows. While others might think he wouldn’t get stuck on such a stupid, silly, random thought…he found that it continuously spiraled within his mind.
Wasn’t everything the being or not being?
Like his nightmares. Would a dream be considered the absence of nightmares? Or nightmares the absence of sweet dreams? Does it have to be one or the other? Can it be both at the same time? Or both at different times?
He would be lying if he didn’t get a little obsessed with the idea.
Life is the absence of death. Death is the absence of life.
Starvation is the absence of food. Satisfaction the abundance.
Every idea always made sense…until one day, he was forced to walk to that wretched school he hated to attend (all because of dumb Guren) that he had his first paradox.
He watched as two people held each other, kissed, content with just looking into the other’s eyes. The typical things that lovers do. Or, people full of love, absent of disdain. He didn’t think much of it at first. It always starts like that. A small pesky little thing that gets a little too stuck in his brain.
Yuu has always been someone who knew what he wanted, and had the ambition to back it. But, for the first time, as his mind circled and circled around the idea, he found himself realizing that he lacked the desire for this particular thing.
Once, when he was with his squadmates, he offhandedly mentioned it to Yoichi. The brunette only smiled at him, rubbing his shoulder, and said that it was because they were young, and they didn’t need to have a romance or crush right now. Especially not in the middle of a war.
Yuu thinks Yoichi misunderstood him.
Yuu’s issue was not the lack of romance. Or the fact that he’s never had a crush. He understands how those things work, he does. But even then, as Yoichi spoke about it, he had this look on his face. A sort of longing, for something he desires in the future, maybe. It really was a beautiful thing to Yuu, to feel such a thing. Would he ever be able to make that face? Does he ever?
Everyone always seems so centered around this lovely, lovely idea. That love, romance, crushes, were all things that came naturally to them. They even have that phrase, that one he heard from a random history class. What was it? Oh, right.
“Tis Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Then, was Yuu forever stuck unloving? Was it really such an elating thing? They always equate love to the silliest things. To sprouting wings and taking flight. To having your eyes opened and truly seeing colors for the first time. To feel complete.
Was Yuu forever stuck incomplete, then? Did he want to be?
He’s never really felt any of that before. With descriptions like that, surely he’d know if he had. The closest thing he ever had was with Mikaela. But is that love?
Sure, he wouldn’t mind it if he kissed him. Hugged him. Held his hand sweetly and told Yuu he loved him. But…is that love? Would his heart even flutter? Is that not just affection?
But gods, he wished it would. He prayed, prayed although he never believed anyone would listen. But, on the off chance that someone would, he begged them to allow him to feel such a thing. For just a hint of remorse, just once in his life, to experience this abstract concept called love.
Yuu could feel it. This nagging feeling in his head. Especially whenever Mika, now his demon, manifests at his side. They sit closely pressed together. Many times, Yuu will reach down to interlace their fingers. Mika’s heart always stutters, cheeks flushing as he gently squeezes.
Yuu always smiles softly back at him, internally holding back the sheer heat he felt in his own chest at the touch. He could feel Mika’s emotions, because he had no reason to have walls up in his heart. Not if it’s Mika. And this…warmth. This fire. This desire.
Mika was getting restless, Yuu could tell. He would do that thing where he glances at Yuu, with such longing, whenever he thinks he’s not looking. He never broke that habit, it seems. Yuu noticed, of course he did. But he never did understand what Mika was longing for whenever blue eyes seeked him out. Never knew what to say, and what if when he speaks the wrong thing comes out? What does Mika want him to say?
Internally, Yuu thinks he knows what Mika wants from him. And, honestly, that’s what scared him the most. The words seemed stuck in the back of Mika’s throat, always waiting, stalking, for a chance to come out.
“I love you.”
His last words uttered, voice far too endeared and soft for Yuu to fully process until afterwards. They bounced around in Mika’s head. Fluttered in his chest. Buzzed like crackling electricity under his skin. Yuu knew. He could feel it too. But not quite as… intense as Mika. It was a strange sensation, one which he did not understand.
Yuu loves Mika. He does. He’s not lying, oh the stars know he’s not. But even so, he doesn’t think he loves like other people do. He doesn’t desperately want—or need really—the things others do.
But choices that he swore to himself he would never make again; they present themselves—force themselves into his already trembling hands. Yuu only did what he could. He chose familiarity. Would someone call that love? For him, love is a comforting thing. So how is he supposed to choose between two comforting things? How is he supposed to choose between the two people who saved him?
Yuu knows it was on purpose. Yuu knew he would be forced to face this choice once again. Whether by Guren himself, or the God which seems to find amusement in his precarious, painful being.
Yuuichirou believes this is his curse. Simply for the sin of his own existence.
It was even more glaringly obvious as they rummaged through memories of old. Memories sealed so deeply within his person, more deeply than Yuuichirou has ever dared to look.
In the end, his answer was quite simple.
Yuu was not allowed to love. For love itself was the very sin he committed. And, of course, they’d take that away from him. If you refuse to give the beast food, it will starve. That way, when you present it with food, it will listen to you.
And stars, Yuu will listen to them.
Yuu will stay, cling, clutch tightly onto the only thing which allows him to feel something.
But still, he wanted to say it. As much as he scolded himself and told himself he shouldn’t; what if it only hurts Mika more? But he still wanted to. The words that the blonde yearns to hear press against the insides of his lips, and with every breath, every part, they risk falling out.
Yuu doesn’t want to say it. He’s scared that if he does, it won’t be enough. That he won’t love Mika enough. Is there such a thing as enough? Is there such a thing as not enough? Sure, Yuu knows that no matter how many years pass, he would still wish to be at Mika’s side. To always choose him above everyone else.
But is that enough?
Instead, Yuu bites down on what has eventually become his bruised lip. He takes a deep breath, before smiling softly at Mika and speaking just as equally. Mika must have noticed by now. He always does. Like a gratuitous gardener checking every leaf on his roses to make sure they were fine. Finding better fertilizer and seeing what vitamins the flower needed so it would bloom as beautifully as he knew it could.
Mikaela loves him, after all.
Yuuichirou always focused on the colors of things. It became a thing he sort of became fixated on. Because through every black and white, there existed other colors. Love was always described with a passionate color. A bright, passionate red. Always so loud and eye-catching.
For Yuu, he doesn’t feel a… redness for Mika. In fact, he’s not quite sure what he feels about the color red. Though, he knows he likes looking at blue. A soft, fresh, blue. Which caresses and lifts and keeps him afloat.
He’s drowning. Everyone associates the deepest depths with a terrifying, mesmerizing blue. He’s drowning, yes. But the blue has never looked so enticing. So beautifully clear to him before. It fills his lungs, bleeds into his pores and makes him feel so blue.
Daunting. Electrifyingly invigorating.
Yuu was always known to be an “adrenaline junkie”. And Mika did make his heart pound, like they had just survived the impossible. Which, they had. But there seemed to be so many impossibles. The blue extended out further and further, into the deepest depths. And it made his heart race with just the endless possibilities.
Yet, it still didn’t do it the way Mika’s did. Mika’s was special. More tender. A pounding more akin to the soft rising and falling or your lover asleep next to you. Yuu didn’t hate the thought. He didn’t despise the idea of Mika calling him his lover.
But is it enough?
Can love really encapsulate all that Mika does to him? Does it encapsulate enough what Yuu does to Mika?
Love was always described as a freeing thing. As a thing which would give you wings and allow you to soar into the sky. But Yuu wasn’t looking at the sky. His eyes focus on the ocean which stares back at him so lovingly.
In actuality, Yuu felt like love was a constricting thing. If he said he loved Mika, whispered back those words he craved to hear, wouldn’t that be where it stopped? There was no higher thing than that. You’ve reached the top, that’s it.
Yuu doesn’t know what these feelings are. But they can’t just stop there. Is it worse if he doesn’t say it at all? Is it even possible to go further than the end?
Forever. Never ending. Infinite.
Is there a word for affection like that? Yuu would never stop needing Mika. It’s forever, never ending, and infinite. That’s all he wants from him. Are they, can they, be considered the same thing?
As Mika’s hand slides up his arm, Yuu finally blinks out of his stupor and gazes back into him. He can feel the pale hand twitch, and lithe fingertips smooth over his shoulder. And then back. And then gently begin to pull him in.
The gloved hand travels down, firmly pressing him into Mika’s shoulder. Then back up. Threading through soft dark locks and pushing Yuu’s nose down into the crook of Mika’s neck. He coos softly, voice carrying him downstream and away from everything that’s ever worried him.
“Yuu-chan, everything will be alright, okay? You’ll be okay. We…” He swallows, but continues as he feels Yuu press harder against him. “We’ll be alright. Just the two of us, together, we can do everything, right?”
Yuu’s eyes begin to water, and he nods. He buries himself into Mika’s neck, hands coming up to clutch onto his cloak. Clenching his eyes tight, heart fluttering, breath caught in his throat, he decides to say it. Because no matter if it is love, if it is enough, there is one thing he’s sure about. “Just the two of us. Always, at least. Forever, never ending, and infinite.”
Mika lets out a huff of a chuckle. His other arm wraps around Yuu, tightly squeezing him against himself, as if letting go would mean Yuu would spontaneously disappear. He whispers back. “Forever, never ending, and infinite. You’re never getting rid of me Yuu-chan, for as long as you live.”
Ah. Yes. This is all Yuu’s heart truly wants. This. The ability to be able to truly believe in those words. That someone cares enough that they’ll stay, no matter how long. No matter how much of a burden he’ll become in the future. Just stay.
Yuu pulls back, lifting a hand and wiping at his stuffy nose. A sniffle. “Of course you say as long as I live…cause you’re dead. Again.”
Mika furrows his brows, as if angry, but the grin spreading across his lips says otherwise. He fondly rolls his eyes. “I just let you snot and cry all over me, don’t give me sass.”
“I’ll give Mika sass if I want to,” Yuu huffs back. Although he leaned away, and looked back at their campfire, he keeps his side pressed tightly against Mika’s. He finds comfort in this. Mika doesn’t push him, yet Yuu chases anyway. If things can stay the way they are now, then it’s fine. Yuu doesn’t need any more.
He’s not quite there, not in the same place Mika is, but…
“Forever…” Mika unknowingly whispers out loud, staring down at the flickering flame before them. His arm squeezes Yuu closer, and a smile that seems more and more common graces his lips, accompanied by an equally popular flush on his cheeks.
Yes. This is enough. You once said my happiness was yours, didn’t you? It goes both ways, Mika. As long as you’re happy, so am I.
So I will only say it here. Within the deep recesses of my heart, where nothing and no one can taint it. Allow it to exist, and stay, in its purest form.
I love you, Mika.