Chapter Text
“This is stupid,” Jason repeated.
It was a few days before Christmas in Gotham and the whole batfamily had gathered to celebrate the occasion, including Jason Todd who, despite not being in his father’s good graces got an invite anyway for reasons that don’t really need to be discussed right now.
--But probably involved Nightwing begging, threatening and bribing since he was the one most into the whole holiday thing. Jason came for nothing more than Alfred’s eggnog and the opportunity to annoy the Replacement and the Replacement’s Replacement.
“You said drinking game,” Barbara Gordon smirked raising her large glass of rum and eggnog, “And I said I never. Are you chicken Little Wing?”
“Don’t call me that,” Jason grumbled. The only one that got to call him that was Dick and that was only because Dick was impervious to death glares, death threats, and liked it when Jason gave him his own stupid nicknames, “I’m not afraid of a drinking game Oracle. I’m only worried you and all your delicate sensibilities will go into shock with the amount of things I’ve done. I mean I instantly lose don’t I?”
“Yeah, I agree, Jason is a loser,” Tim said deadpan.
“Zing,” Dick said. He was fighting for a bit of space between Tim and Damian on the couch. Damian was sprawled, his feet over Dick’s lap attempting to subtly kick Tim while the other was reaching around behind him trying to pinch Damian’s arm.
Jason threw a coaster at Tim’s head, which grazed Dick’s cheek instead.
“Ow. Jason!”
“You all realize I know all of your secrets and a lot of them come with pictures,” Oracle threatened.
The Robins went silent for a moment.
“This is stupid.” Jason repeated.
“I was really hoping to watch It’s a Wonderful Life.” Dick ventured.
“Fine we’ll play the stupid (girly) drinking game,” Jason grumbled.
Dick sighed, “I’m never going to see past the credits of that movie am I? Bruce was right.”
-
“This is stupid." Damian protested, "Why do Fatgirl and Cassandra get out of it?”
They all sat in a circle holding spiked eggnog, except for Damian of course.
“Why is Batbrat playing in the first place? This game’s about getting drunk, not getting sick on straight eggnog,” Jason pointed out.
“Cas and Steph pulled patrol with Bruce. And it’s about scandal, not drunkenness. Think of it as a trust exercise. Now does everyone know how to play?” Barbara demanded.
“When it’s your turn you say something that you’ve never done, if someone else has done it they have to take a drink,” Dick recited. It was obvious he’d had to play this game with Babs before. Whipped.
“Then you start Dick,” She grinned.
“Uh… okay… I never… shaved my legs as Robin,” he gave a vicious grin in Jason’s direction. Jason rolled his eyes taking a sip.
“Shut up, the red hair gave away the fact that I didn’t have black hair. Bruce forced me. Yet another emotionally scarring page from my life in this Manor.”
Tim snorted, “Girl.”
“My turn,” Jason glanced around the room, “I never had boobs.”
Babs rolled her eyes taking a sip and nearly spat it out when Tim took one as well.
“What?” Tim asked when all of them stared. Damian looked like his birthday had come early.
“I always knew you were a girl Drake,” Damian snickered.
Jason beamed at sweet, sweet Karma.
Tim looked a little panic realizing the fodder for blackmail he had potentially unleashed, “What? No! There was a Titan’s mission and a laser beam and we switched bodies and it was super awkward and I don’t want to talk about this!” Tim snapped crossing his arms.
“Who was it?” Dick asked curiously.
“I REALLY don’t want to talk about this!”
“Wonder Girl?”
“Shut up Dick!”
“The new Speedy?”
“Just leave it alone!”
“Oh God!” Dick looked at him with horror, “It wasn’t… was it Starfire?”
Tim buried his head in his hands.
“You were in my ex’s body? Wait, how old were you at the time?”
“Fourteen,” Tim said faintly.
The group paused thinking of the implications of this.
“She said to explore all I wanted before we switched back,” Tim said his voice going a little high pitched. “I didn’t undress for a week.”
The rest of the group burst into laughter.
“Shut up! It’s my turn!” Tim said trying to get the focus off himself, “I never KILLED anyone.”
“Pfft, lame,” Jason rolled his eyes.
“-Tt- agreed--Wait GRAYSON?!” Damian sprang from the couch pointing as Dick took a sip. Dick looked a bit ashamed. Jason rolled his eyes.
“Blockbuster doesn’t count,” He said stonily.
“He does to me!” Dick said looking down into his glass gloomily.
“No! Wait you need to explain this to me you hypocrite!!!” Damian shouted in front of Dick who was looking away.
“Calm your tits birdie," Jason said looking bored, "Golden Boy didn’t kill anyone."
Babs nodded, “A villain found out everything, his identity, where he lived, he did… awful things. He blew up the apartment Dick lived in killing most of the tenants. Dick was an emotional wreck, but he didn’t kill the bastard,” She hit Dick’s shoulder, “He stood by while Blockbuster was killed by the second Tarantula. Doesn’t count Dick, you were emotionally and mentally exhausted.”
“Oh, that doesn’t count,” Damian echoed rolling his eyes as if Dick were being a drama queen, “Why don’t you stand by and let me kill people. It would really make our team more efficient.”
“I should have saved him and it’s my fault that he’s—”
“All in favour that it doesn’t count and that Blockbuster was a scumbag who deserved death anyway so we can move the fuck on with this stupid game raise your hand,” Jason said. Everyone but Dick raised their hand.
“Good, settled.” Jason dumped some of his drink into Dick’s glass and then clicked them together. Dick still looked ashamed but, a little moved at the same time, “Kid, go. The faster I get to the bottom of my glass the faster this will end.”
Damian was glaring at Tim partially because he was usually glaring at Tim, but partially because he had brought up bad memories with Grayson and Grayson was bound to be clingier and more overprotective than usual now. Not to mention mopey. If sunny happy Grayson was annoying, depressed Grayson was unbearable.
“I’ve never had sex with Superboy.”
“I haven’t either you little freak!” Tim shouted going red, “We’re friends!!”
“More than friends from what I’ve seen,” Damian huffed, “Besides it wasn’t directed at you, it was directed at everyone.”
“I haven’t slept with him!” Tim repeated.
“Not even when you were a girl? Surely any barriers the two of you might have had would have fallen away.”
“I’ve never slept with him!!!”
“Oh! I see, I’m sorry you haven’t consummated your relationship yet. No wonder you’re so frustrated all the time.”
The younger birds lunged at each other.
“Okay, okay enough you two,” Dick said in exasperation trying to separate the two. Damian secretly smirked, his plan had worked perfectly. Grayson was too busy being a big brother to dwell on his past mistakes. It did backfire just a little when Grayson went into a speech about how even if Tim was dating Superboy it would be nothing to be ashamed of and they would make a good couple anyway and was Tim was sure there was no connection there? Because they'd really make a good couple.
They all sat back down after more violent denials from Drake. No one took a drink for that one.
“My turn!” Barbara said gleefully, “Let’s see… should I be gentle for the first time? I suppose since you boys have been playing so viciously I’ll give you one gimme. I’ve never been a Robin.”
Everyone took a drink.
“I’ve never been Batgirl,” Dick instantly countered.
“Cute Guy Wonder,” Barbara grinned.
“I’ve never had a threesome—sorry a sexual threesome with Arsenal and Starfire,” Jason smirked. Dick nearly choked, “Where’d you hear about that?”
“Let’s just say Roy has a big mouth when he has too many beers. He misses you by the way,” Jason winked. Dick took a sip his cheeks burning.
“You had sex with a boy and you never told me?!” Babs demanded hitting Dick’s shoulder. Apparently she didn’t care about the Starfire part more of the fact that there was gay Nightwing porn and she didn’t get to hear about it… in detail.
“I’m surprised she doesn’t have a video of it,” Jason muttered.
“I’m surprised Drake doesn’t have a video of it,” Damian responded.
“Shut up!” Tim attempted to launch himself at Damian again, but Dick blocked him.
“We were drunk,” He enunciated, “and it only happened once.”
“That is not how Roy tells it… in fond detail.”
“Shut up Jason!”
“Who was on the bottom… you were on the bottom right? Please say you were on the bott--”
“Shut up Babs!!”
“You owe me details!” She growled.
“I’ve never been dead!” Tim yelled before the oversharing could begin.
“Low blow Replacement,” Jason took a sip. He then glared over at Dick.
“What?”
“Your heart stopped you were legally dead. Drink.”
“Fine,” Dick shrugged taking a drink only too glad that they had moved away from his sexual exploits.
“I never smoked pot,” Damian said. It was an obvious shot at Jason, but it was everyone but Jason that took a drink.
“Grayson!”
Jason snorted at how pure Dick was in the kid’s eyes.
“Ain’t no party like a Teen Titan Party Damian,” Dick grinned tapping his glass with Tim’s.
“What about Todd?!” Damian demanded.
“I never smoked pot,” Jason said holding up a hand shaking his head, “Smoking was one thing, but if Bruce ever caught me with MJ? He’d rip me to shreds. When I came back I was more likely to smoke a dealer than his product anyway.”
“-Tt-”
“Right, here’s a good one,” Babs eyes gleamed with mischief, “I never wanted to marry Dick Grayson when I was a kid—that came later.”
“What a wasted—” Dick began.
“This game is stupid!” The other three Robins suddenly declared looking away.
“Question…? Wait what?”
Dick looked from one brother to the other.
“Oh fuck it, fine.” Jason took a sip and spread his arms aggressively, “What of it?”
“It’s not like… it’s not…” Tim tried but eventually gave up and took a sip. His face was bright red from all the embarrassment and all the alcohol in his system.
Damian was also bright red, “Out of context it’s… it needs context!” Damian cried finally taking a sip of his own.
Barbara chuckled evilly, “I knew at least one of you, but all three? It really IS Christmas!”
“Shut up! It’s not like you don’t get off on it you evil woman!!” Jason shouted.
“But, wait! You guys are my brothers!” Dick said dumbly trying to comprehend this.
The other Robins kindly didn’t point out that all of them were unrelated and only had brotherly affection for Dick and not each other, probably because that would have made the whole situation worse.
“Okay fine,” Jason sighed, “I will tell you why I wanted to marry Dickie-bird. I plan to drink a lot more eggnog and not remember any of this in the morning and if any of you mention it to me again I will eviscerate you.”