Work Text:
Gunil shouldn’t be awake in the middle of the night, much less checking his phone but somehow he’d left it on the vibrate setting under his pillow and was now suffering the consequences. It had been a KakaoTalk notification:
Kim Jungsu 김정수
03:14 i love you hyung
Gunil didn’t know how to reply, his heart swelled a little reading it. Jungsu never usually spoke so freely, and while Jungsu was so full of love for everyone he always made sure it was their dongsaengs that felt it. Gunil didn’t need to know of everyone’s appreciation for him, he just needed to be dependable and he just needed to be there. Gunil knew Jungsu well enough to know this wasn’t just a throwaway remark, maybe if the message had come in the middle of the day, when the sunshine and Jungsu were just as bright as each other he could take it a little less seriously. However, it was 3 am, one of the darkest hours which meant Jungsu was having his deepest thoughts. The ones that he would usually share with no one else. Gunil replied like he would even if it was the middle of the day:
Goo Gunil 구건일
03:27 ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ oh, i love you too ❤️
Except it wasn’t really funny to him, he did love Jungsu. Unconditionally really and if Jungsu was having these thoughts, Gunil was going to go to him. Gunil, as quietly as he could, took his blanket off and got up from his sofa bed. Sleeping in the living room for the comfort of his younger members was the least he could do. Jungsu technically shared a room with Jiseok, but for the longest time, Jiseok had been sneaking into Hyeongjun’s and Jooyeon’s room to cuddle with Jooyeon every night. Gunil was not in the business of defining their relationship, as long as they got along, Jiseok would come to him if it started to affect the team’s dynamic. Gunil knew he could go to Jungsu and have a conversation with him, not worrying about waking up any of their younger brothers. He didn’t bother to pick up a shirt on his way, if anything Jungsu’s room would be warmer than the living room considering that’s where the heaters were.
It wouldn’t be the first time Gunil has comforted Jungsu like this, they did it often. Sneaking around to find physical affection with each other. Gunil joked so often, whenever he was asked really, whenever he could bring it up appropriately that he would date Jungsu of all the members. On nights like this when he was going to inevitably cuddle Jungsu for a while, he wasn’t sure how real their relationship was. He was more than Jungsu’s hyung, he had to be. He would do anything to support Jungsu, in a way he wouldn’t for the others.
Gunil did give a gentle knock on the ajar door before entering, more to warn Jungsu than anything else. He wasn’t nervous, he was just here to comfort Jungsu - nothing else.
“Su, are you okay?” Gunil whispered, if Jungsu had fallen asleep in the 3 minutes since he’d left Gunil on read then he wouldn’t dare disturb him.
“Hyung, ” Jungsu's voice was quiet and croaky, Gunil just knew he’d been crying, “‘What, uh, are you doing here?” With a small hiccup, Jungsu just confirmed to Gunil that he’d been crying.
“Here for you, you don’t normally text at 3 am, Susu. Can I turn on the lamp so I can see you?” Gunil kept his voice soft and quiet. Instead of providing a verbal answer, Jungsu turned on the lamp himself. Gunil was then looking right at him, his hair fluffed up from lying down, his cheeks all squishy but wet, but most importantly his eyes were glossy and shiny, full of tears still despite the soaked cheeks. Jungsu was still his beautiful sparkly self, his pretty grin trying to peek through the emotional facade.
“Oh Su, baby. I’m going to sit down next to you, okay?” Gunil knows he shouldn’t be asking so many questions, he knows he shouldn’t be subjecting Jungsu to making so many decisions but Gunil was too caring, too hesitant to do anything without asking Jungsu first.
“Hug me, please? Please, hyung?” Jungsu was still hiccuping, still trying to level his breathing from all the tears he had let loose. Gunil wanted to stop that, he wouldn’t leave Jungsu until his breathing was level. Who was Gunil to deny Jungsu’s request to hug him?
Gunil, with very little grace, stood between Jungsu’s open legs and put his arms around Jungsu’s neck, looking down at him with such softness. Jungsu returned the gesture, tightly wrapping his arms around Gunil’s bare waist, pressing his face into Gunil’s soft stomach.
It couldn’t have even been 30 seconds until Gunil felt the moisture against his stomach and the slight sting of the tears on his sensitive skin. Gunil would let him cry, for a little while more at least, he knew Jungsu enough to know he must need this. Jungsu was happy to shed sentimental tears at concerts or events, but tears like this from his most vulnerable emotions were rare. Gunil wanted to fix it, but first, he would just let Jungsu feel, he was there to keep him safe.
Gunil moved his hand up, the spiky strands on the back of Jungsu’s head tickling his fingers. He didn’t mind, he stroked the back of Jungsu’s head anyway. Hoping it was reassuring, that he could be what Jungsu needed right now. Gunil rocked Jungsu from side to side slightly as well, lifting one foot and then the other. Anything to soothe him, anything to make Jungsu’s tears stop.
Finally, when his feet were going numb from the cold worn-out carpet and his knees wanted to buckle from standing up for so long with Jungsu’s weight against him, his stomach all of a sudden went cold. Jungsu was looking at him, his eyes bright red, his cheeks matte from the number of tears that had dried on them, but he still never lost that sparkle that he had. The one that made Jungsu.
“Are you ready to talk about it, Su?” Gunil whispered, and he continued to stroke Jungsu’s hair. He knew the value Jungsu placed on physical affection and he wouldn’t break that not until Jungsu asked him to.
“Maybe, I just want to be close to you, that’s why I text you. Gunil.” Gunil felt the emphasis put on his name, the fact that Jungsu chose him. He didn't just want someone. Jungsu had wanted Gunil to come to him, nobody else. It made Gunil feel fuzzy and warm, he was most certainly in love with Jungsu. It hurt him that there wasn’t anything they could do about it, not for another month when they finally reached their 3rd anniversary. Yes, Gunil was secure in his feelings, he knew what he felt was real and all-encompassing but he couldn’t be as brazen as Hyeongjun and Seungmin to break the rules. He was the leader, he was dependable, and he had to be the example, even if none of his younger brothers followed it.
Suddenly Jungsu was tugging him down by his elbows to the bed, pushing and pulling him into a more horizontal position. It was fine, he would stay until Jungsu finally fell back asleep. Gunil let Jungsu get comfortable first and that ended up being with Jungsu making himself the small one, curled partially into a ball to fit him into the space between Gunil’s knees and shoulders, even though he was the tallest on the team. Jungsu’s head was buried into Gunil’s neck, his breath tickling Gunil’s neck. In and out, in and out, it was settled, still a little shaky and deep from emotion, but even though he wasn’t the one seeking reassurance he took the comfort from Jungsu’s calming breathing.
“I’m glad you forgot to put a shirt on hyung, I like hearing your heartbeat.” Finally, Gunil could feel Jungsu’s lips twist up into a smile against his neck. Gunil smiled in return, his eyes crinkling up and his cheeks growing big. Gunil tilted his head down to kiss Jungsu’s head, short, sweet, sincere.
“Oh Jungsu, my sweet boy. I wish I knew what was going on in your head, your pretty, lovely thoughtful head,” Gunil knew he was going to talk at Jungsu for a while now, but that was how he loved, he loved and he had to tell everyone, he had to tell them everything, “I wasn’t joking, I do love you. I love you so much my Jungsu. You’re so hard on yourself and you always keep everything to yourself, you can share with me you know. I don’t think anything less of you for feeling emotions you know. Let me lighten your burden please Jungsu, you love me so much, let me love you back? You’ve worked so hard and I know you’re exhausted, just let yourself feel Jungsu. It’s okay to feel and if you want me here I’ll be here to help you feel.”
Gunil paused, he was always guilty of talking too much. Teased mercilessly by Jooyeon and Jiseok for it at concerts when his ment took 20 minutes. He needed to fill the space, fill the room with his emotions. If he didn’t put them out into the open he felt like he would implode, that was his way of coping. He knew Jungsu was the opposite though, maybe Jungsu wouldn’t say anything but Gunil was going to talk anyway, and let Jungsu know he was here.
“Hyung, I just love you okay? I really, just, love you. It hurts ‘cause we can’t do anything about it.” Sobs started to rack Jungsu’s voice again.
“It’s only another month Su, one more month until that stupid dating ban lifts. I’m sorry you’re hurt over it,” Gunil sighed, he gently pulled Jungsu's head up to his, “I know, it hurts me too but soon okay, soon my baby. I wish I could just say no to the rules, but I have to be the example.”
“I know, you’re so admirable for sticking to the rules. Not that it mattered, the younger ones are all in love and we’re just making ourselves miserable.” Jungsu blinked at him, tears still falling, he wasn’t crying anymore but he was still just so sad. Gunil was the cause, but he wanted Gunil to be the solution.
“I’ve let them know my feelings on their defiance, I’ve fought with Jooyeon about it so many times. Hyeongjun and Seungmin just ignore me at this point. Jiseok, I know he feels guilty as well, but he just can’t help it. He's trying so hard to love himself and part of that is loving Jooyeon. I know how he feels, but the arguments and the ignorance are why I have to stick to my principles Su. If I don’t, it was all for nothing, I hurt their feelings for nothing. Now I know I’m hurting yours as well, I feel lost. I don’t know what to do to fix it.” Gunil finally stopped talking, there was a lack of words on his tongue.
“Oh you talk so much but you’re so dense sometimes Nil, ” Jungsu laughed loudly, with total disregard for the hour of night. He was right, sometimes Gunil spent so long speaking and trying to just get all of the words out that he skipped right around the point, “Here's how you fix it.”
Jungsu’s face was getting closer and closer, Gunil knew what was coming, he’d wanted it for an age. So he took the initiative and just closed the gap for him. Their lips were finally touching, it wasn’t the miraculous sensation people described but it felt soft and safe. It was that simple, their lips touched for a few seconds and then Jungsu pulled back, his face beaming.
“It’s that easy, just kiss me please, and hold me. At least for now. I’m not going to ask for anything more from you, not for another month. That’s all my Gunil, do that for me.”
“I can do that, I can let myself do that. I love you, Su, another month and I can really love you.” Gunil confesses, that he’s wanted and wanted and he finally has Jungsu in his hands.
“Kiss me properly now.”
Gunil didn’t waste any time, he cupped his hands around Jungsu's neck, trying to grab at the short hairs on the back of Jungsu’s head, desperately trying to bring all of him closer, he wanted all of their skin to be in contact. He craved Jungsu’s physical warmth. Even though he was desperate and starved they were still so gentle, there was no need to rush. Jungsu pressed their lips together this time, open-mouthed making sure all of his soft lips came into contact with Gunil’s. It felt passionate, despite the appearance of being soft. Jungsu’s tongue brushed slightly against his lips, but not to make it deeper, just to get a taste, it made Gunil smile against him. Gunil felt content and relaxed like he was floating among the stars. Jungsu was celestial after all, it made sense.
The blush on Jungsu’s cheeks was almost scarlet, so Gunil kissed his cheeks, both of them in turn, stopping at the tip of his nose on his way from left to right. Jungsu’s arms wrapped tight around his chest stroking his back, one finger at a time. It tickled Gunil to have his bare skin stroked like that, he couldn’t mind though. He wanted to be even closer to Jungsu though, he wasn’t sure how he could be though so he threw his leg around Jungsu’s waist and pulled himself forward. Jungsu blinked at him one eye at a time and butted his head into Gunil’s shoulder like a cat when they wanted attention.
“I physically cannot be any closer to you, baby.” Gunil sighed, he knew that’s what Jungsu wanted as well. Well yes, he could be closer to Jungsu, but they still had a month to wait before he’d free himself to that, there was still time. He had a feeling there would be no rush for them.
Jungsu didn’t even say anything, just made a noise of displeasure with a puff of air out of his nose. It should be adorable, it really shouldn’t but it was. Gunil really couldn’t get them to be any closer, the gap between them must be smaller than an atom. Gunil was warm, toying with the longer parts of Jungsu’s hair while Jungsu ran his fingers from Gunil’s jaw to as far down as he could reach. They both pressed kisses to each other wherever their mouths could reach, with no tension or pressure for anything more. Gunil just allowed himself to enjoy Jungsu’s company, he didn’t need to work hard every single second, sometimes there just had to be time to stop and enjoy being carefree.
They stayed like that, gentle kisses and whispers about nothing really, when the sun eventually started rising and the sky went orange Jungsu finally dozed back off to sleep, Gunil stroking his nose until he heard Jungsu’s quiet little snore.
“I love you Jungsu,” Gunil muttered into Jungsu’s hair before closing his own eyes.