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This was meant to be the beginning of their new life together. This should have been their new age. It’s torture to think how things are supposed to be, how one action was enough to shatter everything between them. Their entire future, ruined, all because of one girl.
Louis refuses to even look at him now, that spark in his eyes when he gazed at him has faded to clouded misery. The keen passion that made him seem so alive when in his presence is nothing more than heavy despair which he drags around like a leadened weight.
It fills Armand with a huge sense of loss and loneliness. He’s almost certain that he’d feel less alone if Louis had just left him altogether, rather than have him drift along by his side like a lost soul. Even when he chooses to speak to him, there’s a numbness in his voice which at times is accompanied by an undertone of pity; pity that’s directed at Armand for reasons he’d rather not dwell on. Sometimes he wishes Louis would feel anger towards him or even resentment, something which might have him screaming at him and storming out with a slam of the door. At least then he’d know Louis feels something for him that isn’t that dreaded pity.
It’s only been a year or so since the night Louis turned sour. Armand can’t find it in himself to regret doing what he did but he does regret that it turned his newly found companion away from him. They’ve already changed accommodation a couple of times now and moved away from France to Belgium. Armand had hoped that perhaps a change in scenery would do Louis some good, yet he remains the same passive being as before, following him around for various outings when he tires of the same four walls they reside in.
On this night in particular, Armand steps into the parlour of their hotel room and finds Louis standing before the balcony doors, watching as the first drops of rain softly hit the glass. There’s something about him that seems almost peaceful, in the way he watches the world outside become blurred by the rain; Armand finds himself feeling regretful for having to break that tranquillity which comes so rarely to Louis now.
He watches him from the doorway for a short while, making the most of this momentary peace. Then Armand steps further into the room, letting his quiet footsteps alert Louis to his presence.
“I’m going out to hunt, if you’d like to join me?”
Louis doesn’t so much as turn his head to look at him, his back to him still with his gaze held firmly to the windows. At first, Armand isn’t certain whether he’s even heard him, if he’s too lost in his thoughts to register the real world around him, but then he sees Louis glance down through the reflection and let out a small sigh.
“I think I’ll remain here if you don’t mind.” Louis’ voice is quiet, nearly imperceptible beneath the rain as it falls heavier against the windows.
Armand’s heart sinks. He knew there was always a chance his offer would be rejected but had allowed himself an ounce of hope that maybe tonight would be different. Despite Louis’ dismissal, Armand tries another approach, hoping against all odds that perhaps Louis might change his mind.
“I didn’t notice you leave these rooms last night. Did you go out to hunt at all?” He keeps his tone light and curious, as opposed to revealing the concern that really lies underneath.
Louis stays facing the balcony doors but looks at Armand through the reflection. “I did.” His eyes are hard, though with a trace of tiredness.
It’s clear he’s lying, Armand knows well enough that the thought to go out likely never even crossed his mind. Yet Louis’ expression tells him he’s not willing to put up an argument over it, so Armand chooses not to acknowledge the lie. Instead, he stares back at him and clasps his hands behind his back, not sure what else to do with them.
“All the same, you should still come out to feed tonight. It won’t do you any good to miss a hunt.”
“Why, what difference will one night make?” Louis finally turns to face him properly. “I’m perfectly alright, Armand. Your concern is noted yet misplaced, there really is no reason for you to worry. Though you are more than welcome to go out alone, don’t feel the need to hold back on my account.”
Without another word, Louis moves over to the nearby divan and settles, not even sparing another glance at Armand. Although he appears to be done with the conversation, Armand isn’t satisfied and follows him, only to stop in front of him with a frown.
“Am I wrong to worry? Am I to be expected to simply stand by idly while I watch you give yourself over to hunger? This punishment you deal yourself serves no purpose other than to cause yourself further misery. You’re caught in an endless cycle of pain and despair, and the only thing preventing you from clawing your way out is yourself.”
Armand briefly wonders to himself if he’s being too harsh, but that thought is quickly banished when he recalls how this isn’t the first time Louis’ given him cause for concern. It’s become something of a bad habit over the past year, something that Armand has been holding off confronting him over for long enough now. It angers him, that aggravation fueled by both his love for Louis and his fear of losing him in one way or another. It leaves him feeling unwanted helplessness at his uncertainty with how to get through to him.
His gaze is met as Louis tilts his head up to look at him. “And here I was, under the impression that my pain and despair was alluring to you. You waited for someone such as myself, as I recall. Has the reality of that finally come bearing down on you, is the illusion finally shattered? Was there some sort of misunderstanding when I told you what a mistake you’d be making, by allowing yourself to get close to me?” Louis pauses and glances off to the side. Although his words are cutting, there’s no real ferocity in his voice; instead, he sounds more exhausted and worst of all, there’s that dreaded pity underlying his words. “I’m sorry, Armand. I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you expected of me.”
The sound of the rain beating down against the windows is the only thing to fill the silence. Armand stares at Louis, momentarily stunned by what he’s said. He blinks at him, then his thoughts return to him.
“You think yourself lost. You see yourself wandering around in circles in a darkened abyss, alone and with no way out. I’ll tell you something now, Louis, you’re not trapped anywhere and you’re certainly not alone. I’m right here, you’re just choosing not to see me and all you have to do is turn around and you’ll see the way out of your so-called prison cell. You’re more than capable of helping yourself, if only you make the right decisions.”
Louis continues to look away, refusing to meet his gaze. His expression is solemn and a few cracks start to appear in his composure, briefly exposing the true extent of his hurt along with something that looks like longing. The cracks are sealed over almost as quickly as they appeared however, and Louis’ expression switches to a look of numbness.
For a moment, Armand wonders if he’ll speak again or if the discussion is well and truly over. Then Louis turns back to look at him, his face seemingly void of emotion, and studies him closely before responding.
“You want things to go back to the way they were, before you. . .” He trails off and a flicker of pain flashes across his eyes for a split second, before continuing in a steady voice. “What we have, it’s built on ruins of what was and what could have been. You tell me who’s at fault.”
They watch each other in uncomfortable silence, neither one of them going to move or speak. A piece of Armand’s heart breaks away and crumbles at Louis’ cold words. The fact that they were spoken with little to no feeling, is almost worse than if he’d spat them out in resentment. Armand swallows down any counter argument he may have, telling himself that Louis is suffering due to his actions and is hurting immensely because of it. Louis feels both nothing and everything all at once and evidently needs more time to come to terms with it all. It’s only been a year after all.
Suddenly, Louis looks off to the side once more and rises to his feet. Armand keeps his eyes on him, following his every movement while remaining rooted to the floor.
“I’m tired,” Louis says in a quiet, somewhat dazed voice, still not looking at Armand, “I think I will retire to bed for the remainder of the night.” He walks to the bedroom without another word, leaving Armand in the parlour as he watches him leave.
Armand’s eyes stay fixed to the bedroom door as it shuts him out. He doesn’t move, barely even blinks as he stares blankly ahead. His chest feels hollow and that all too familiar sense of loneliness wraps around him like a blanket, squeezing him tightly until it feels as though he might suffocate.
It seems that a matter of minutes go by as he stands there, though it feels like hours, and eventually he manages to shake the smothering feeling from around himself. He blinks a few times, as if just waking from a dream, then turns and walks over to the room’s entrance. He grabs his coat as he passes, pulling it on as he leaves the room and deciding to lock the door behind him at the last second.
Armand moves through the hallways and down the stairs like some kind of ghost; he reaches the entrance to the hotel and walks out into the rain without a second thought. The chilling droplets that shower down on him bring him a sense of relief, a welcome distraction from the sharp sting of rejection from his meant-to-be lover.
The rain may be cold but the hotel room is colder, and for now, Armand is more than grateful to relish in its icy embrace.