Archive of Our Own ^beta

Missing you comes in waves, and tonight I'm drowning.

Kyungsoo sits hunched over his desk a book wide open, unlike his eyes. Two cold cups of coffee rest in his peripheral vision and somewhere deep in his mind he thinks about the exam tomorrow. He doesn't know if he should change the page or would his head fall heavy on top of it if his hand wasn't there to support it up. He stares at nothing instead. Kyungsoo guesses that it's three am yet he doesn't know for sure at all. He closes his eyes to blink, but they don't open anymore and Kyungsoo falls silently asleep, the desk lamp angrily shining on his pale skin.

Somewhere in between stepping out of the shower and almost slipping because he's that tired and entering the first class of the day Kyungsoo's mind has become numb. He can't see the colors properly anymore and all he wants is to close his eyes and hide under a big thick blanket because it's too cold. The world is just a big mess of mundane gray and tired sighs resonating in his ears like an orchestra of some sort. His brain is doing everything without thinking, walking to class and sitting down in his usual spot and then leaning back, struggling to keep his eyes open.

Only a few say anything in the whole room and Kyungsoo guesses it's because everyone else's feeling the same as he is. Absolutely and utterly like shit. It's only when the lecturer strides in a cup of coffee in one hand and a folder in other that Kyungsoo starts reacting to the surroundings. He grabs his notebook ready to start taking notes. He's going to have to read them again later when he actually can function.

Baekhyun's equally tired and the duo only stares in front of them at lunch hour, coffees and cup ramens sitting on their laps. Baekhyun's the first to groan and then starts devouring his food. Kyungsoo reacts to it by glancing at the other and sipping his coffee. "I'll become a stripper. I can't take this anymore", Kyungsoo decides, sounding completely serious and despite joking he actually considers it for a split second. Baekhyun nods vigorously. "Same", is all he can utter back amidst his slurping of noodles. It's quite amusing, how hungry the poor guy is.

"Yeah but it's not all bad. There's a hot new guy in my algebra class. A bad boy so I don't really want anything from him, but eye candy nevertheless", Baekhyun tells and Kyungsoo groans at his stupid ass friend. "Don't tell me more. You're dumb", he adds and Baekhyun has the energy to look offended for a maximum of one second before returning to his noodles. Kyungsoo has started eating his as well.

"You just haven't seen him. And oh boy do you have to see him", Baekhyun defends, not sounding enthusiastic at all, with the bored gaze and all. "No I don't, thank you very much. No boys until I get this semester done with and can actually sleep more than four hours per night", Kyungsoo decides but Baekhyun only scoffs. "You do know the difference of dating a boy and checking out a boy?"

"I don't do well with bad boys", Kyungsoo reminds the other and Baekhyun rolls his eyes. "Sorry, I forgot you have no self-control what-so-ever when it comes to leather jackets and ripped jeans", he says sarcastically and Kyungsoo shudders at the thought.

"And piercings. And tattoos. And all that shit", he continues and Baekhyun looks at Kyungsoo weirdly before reaching for more noodles, but finding none in the cup. "I really hope you don't bump into the guy", he jokes but Kyungsoo can only nod taking the situation very seriously.

He has a long list of crushes all the way from middle school when he first realized he was gay all the way to the present moment in college. And all of them were delinquents. With the exception of the nice boy living next door to him. He even dated a rebel once, the relationship was his first and therefore it was more of a test. Kyungsoo was pretty sure that the other didn't even like him that much, just found being in a relationship cool. He got nothing but cringe-worthy memories from it, and besides that, he hasn't really dated anyone. Mainly because he always liked the bad boys and he made sure to stay away from them, images of drugs and violence scaring him enough to do so.

When the duo realize that it's time to go to class, they go their separate ways. Baekhyun teases Kyungsoo about his weakness of shameless smirks and tattoos once more before disappearing and Kyungsoo wants to punch the other. He doesn't and instead rushes to class, drinking the last drops of coffee on the way, guessing he's going to need them.

It's Tuesday and Kyungsoo had just finished the last exam for a good while. He sighs out a breath of relief as he exits the lecture hall sending silent prayers to all the gods of every religion possible to let him pass every damn test. Black shines under his eyes and he's moving forward sheerly at the strength of caffeine. He can't wait to get home and bury himself in his bed for the rest of the day. The essay for biology slides through his mind, but disappears as soon as it had appeared. Kyungsoo decides to do it tomorrow.

The hallways are fairly quiet, nobody really spends time here because of the lack of furniture. It's nice and Kyungsoo hums silently, feeling refreshed already. He's about to step on a leg, but with a yelp he stumbles forward just enough to miss it. He turns around the corner to apologize but when he's met with a furious glare he's reminded of numerous other guys. Kyungsoo can't miss the tattoos on the guys arms and neck and he regrets ever going this way.

"Sorry", he says, voice cracking ever so slightly and he almost chokes on his spit. The guy only continues staring, not making it any easier.

"I'm gonna go", Kyungsoo says, sounding incredibly stupid and he rushes away. A string of curse words go through his brain like a bullet train and he's left wondering whether this was the guy Baekhyun was talking about.

"Hold up", Kyungsoo hears and he stops on his tracks, like the curse word train inside his mind. He turns around and he probably looks extremely flushed and idiotic. "How do you get to the rooftop?", the guy asks and Kyungsoo immediately starts racking his brain for the route.

"There's a door to the staircase next to the elevator in the main lobby", Kyungsoo then starts explaining. "I think that's the way", he adds, unsure and hopeful that he didn't just fuck the guy over.

"Thanks", the guy says and immediately stands up after stuffing a notebook inside his bag. He then starts walking the other way and Kyungsoo stares at his back, finding the guy illegally good looking.

Fucking hell Kyungsoo get your shit together. With that thought he whips around and wonders who the hell goes up to the roof at the end of March. Isn't it freezing?

"Baekhyun, I think I bumped into the guy you were talking about the other day", Kyungsoo tells and his friend immediately looks up from his phone expecting something, probably an amusing reaction. He's even smiling grimly at Kyungsoo's struggles.

"Well?", he inquires further and Kyungsoo looks up at the sky in defeat. "Fuck he's hot. I shit you not sounded like a teenage girl apologizing to him for almost stepping over his leg", he bursts out and Baekhyun laughs as if this was not the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to Kyungsoo. Well, there was that one time when his dad accidentally announced to his entire family that he 'loved penises instead of vaginas'. It was pretty horrifying.

"Don't laugh! This is going to be one of those memories I remember at random times and cringe so hard it hurts", Kyungsoo whines, hitting Baekhyun's shoulder and the other only laughs harder.

"I told you so!", the other finally gets to shout amidst his laughing. "So are you gonna have a crush on him now?", Baekhyun then asks, obviously teasing. "Hell no! I'm gonna keep far far away from him", Kyungsoo decides and Baekhyun only nods his head pretending to believe what he just heard.

"Sure you are. But the thing is that I just found out his name", Baekhyun just likes to watch the world burn, doesn't he? "Don't you fucking dare", Kyungsoo can barely say before the name leaves Baekhyun's lips and Kyungsoo groans loudly burying his head in his book. He tries so hard to forget it.

"Why does he have a fucking nickname? Did he know I think mysterious guys are hot?", Kyungsoo yells out and Baekhyun just adds fuel to the fire with his manic laughter and Kyungsoo's pretty sure people are glancing at the loud piece of shit curiously. Kai? What kind of a nickname is that? Kyungsoo's about to go jump off a bridge when Baekhyun nails his gaze over Kyungsoo's shoulder and then grins widely.

"What? What the fuck did you just see?", Kyungsoo asks, already guessing what it is. Or rather, who it is.

"I think he only gets hotter everyday", Baekhyun says and Kyungsoo decides to not look and instead hides his eyes behind the book again. "Ripped black jeans, military green parka, grey chucks, oh he's dyed his hair blonde!", Baekhyun lists into his ear, giggling between words and Kyungsoo almost starts crying. "He's looking our way, you know! Like everyone else around here to be honest", Baekhyun tells and Kyungsoo grabs him by the shoulders and pushes him down on the grass, covering his mouth in the process.

"I know your fucking tricks and you're not yelling shit in this situation", Kyungsoo hisses loudly and Baekhyun's laughing against his palm. This is serious god damn it! Kyungsoo, you can't crush on anyone right now! Kyungsoo then glances around only to confirm that they've indeed gathered much attention. He spots a blonde amidst them all and immediately focuses his gaze on the still laughing Baekhyun's eyes. The other stares teasingly back before looking sideways to search for what Kyungsoo guesses is Kai.

"Honestly I want to murder you", Kyungsoo tells as he drags the other up and drags him far, far away from the area. From Kai.

Kai recognizes the other guy from his algebra class, the guy had openly stared at his tattoos like he was a fucking art gallery. The other he recalled meeting the other day. The attraction towards Kai was obvious, it wasn't the first time he met a stumbling guy, voice cracking and face blushing at the sight of him. He was pretty proud of it, if he was very honest.

They're creating quite the scene with their loud shrieks of curse words. Kai can't properly tell what they're talking about but the other guy is laughing so hard Kai thinks he might die while the other's squeezing a book against his face in a very hurtful looking motion. The guy from his algebra meets his gaze and then he's mumbling something into the other's ear, still staring at Kai, to make it even more obvious that they're talking about him. That has Kai smirking at the smaller guy who's now pushing the other down on the grass and he looks pretty hot dominating someone like that. It has Kai glued on the ground and as the guy looks around, looking as flustered as the first time the met, Kai follows his gaze until it lands on him and then the guy's looking back at his pal who's still struggling under him. With that Kai starts walking away, thoughts of 'should I' dancing around his mind.

His phone rings in his back pocket just as he steps inside the school building, and he answers it with a serious 'what?'.

"Look, I know you don't like getting involved in my drama, but this one bitch just totally stole my cigarette pack and I need backup in beating him up because he might have friends", it's Sehun and Kai rolls his eyes.

"Why the fuck should I? Buy another pack and get over it", he answers with much lack of interest. "Because you're my best friend and therefore obliged to help me out. Now meet me near the usual convenience store at 8 pm", Sehun sasses him.

"Don't wait for me", Kai tells and hangs up on the other without another word. He has no intention on going there.

Kyungsoo's already forgotten about the scene yesterday, but when Minseok sends him an amused grin from the other side of the lecture hall, he groans and dismisses him with a shy hidden middle finger. It's when someone new steps through the door that does he break his gaze from Minseok and turn to the door.

It's Kai. Of course it's fucking Kai. And who the hell gave him the permission to wear v-neck today? Kyungsoo's already drooling as the other stops behind the rows of chairs and scans the room for a place to occupy. Kyungsoo glances to his left and tries to get the girl from a few chairs down to sit next to him, but the girl doesn't understand and someone has already broken their eye contact with their stupid ass v-neck wearing body. Kyungsoo's immediately looking the other way and he catches Minseok's curious gaze from few rows down where he's sitting with Luhan and as understandment dawns on him he's grinning and elbowing Luhan.

Great, now the news of him having a crush on Kai is gonna spread like god damn wildfire. What could possibly be worse?

As someone taps his shoulder he decides that the gods have abandoned him. "Is this seat taken?", a familiar voice asks as Kyungsoo turns around and struggles to look at Kai in the eyes.

"No?", he says not sounding sure at all and he can see from the smirk on Kai's face that he knows he's doing things to Kyungsoo. The latter really fucking wants to die. Without another word Kai takes the seat and Kyungsoo sends a glare the girl's way who's still as confused as ever.

Kyungsoo can't concentrate and literature classes that he usually enjoys very much since he likes writing turn into nervous trainwrecks. He's very much conscious of the tattooed arm just a few centimeters away from his own and he barely gets anything done that day. It's like Kai purposely leans a bit on the left when writing, inching closer to Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo escaping a little bit more to the left himself by the minutes. It's suffocating and he can't not take glances at the concentrated look on the other's face when he listens and he can't not study his tattoos like they're a subject he's really passionate in learning. Kai smells of cigarette smoke and aftershave. It drives Kyungsoo mad and his imaginations go mad at the thought of Kai doing these things Kyungsoo finds beautiful. Like destroying himself with cigarettes, carefully shaving in front of a mirror (preferably without a shirt), his blonde bed hair, watching as the other's roots get darker everyday and then finally bleaching his hair when the root growth starts showing too much.

Kai's sitting next to a couple at a table near the door at his usual cafè. He doesn't mean to overhear the words of endearment thrown around carelessly, but he does anyway. The 'babe's and 'I'll love you forever's annoy him to no end. People don't understand that words are god damn tsunamis and treat them like puddles, splashing them around like they don't even fucking matter. It's frustrating and he puts on some music and listens to angry songs through his headphones, reading through his notes even though all he wants is a good fuck and a pack of cigarettes.

Someone slides to sit opposite him and he looks up to see Joonmyun, with his styled up hair and carelessly thrown on leather jacket. He has his phone in his hand as he types something in quickly before grinning at Kai. Kai catches a glimpse of the broken screen as Joonmyun slides the phone in his pocket and leans forward to skim through the notes to catch what he's studying. Kai lands the headphones around his neck and pauses the music, looking expectantly at the other.

"I never can really understand how you have the patience to study", the other finally opens his mouth and Kai glares at the guy. "Not everyone was born with a golden spoon in their mouth, hyung", he spits out the final word and Joonmyun laughs, eyes twinkling and proud.

"You're right, I forgot about all the money I waste on your sorry ass."

"Cut to the point, what do you want?", Kai questions and Joonmyun purses his lips. "Can't I hang out with my friend?", he then asks acting innocently and leaning back as Kai scoffs. "What friend? Where?", he bites back and Joonmyun only grins and looks down at his lap.

"I need a favor", he sounds serious and Kai settles his pen down on the table and sips his coffee, black like his soul. "What kind?", he questions and Joonmyun chuckles.

"The kind you're a natural in. I want you to make my fiance fall head over heels for you", he then says and Kai furrows his eyebrows. "Since when were you engaged?", he asks, confused about the sudden information. Joonmyun wasn't the kind of guy to get settled. At least not yet.

"Ah, it doesn't matter. Dad got angry and said something about starting a family and a girl was introduced to me", he quickly explains and then turns to look at Kai.

"The thing is, dad won't let me stop the marriage, but it the girl wants to, well, then obviously he'd have to cut it off", Joonmyun continues and Kai guesses where this is going. "I am perfectly capable of ruining a relationship, I've done it all too many times. But I have money. And the girl really likes money."

"So I charm the girl and she decides to chase after me and I break her heart and she's sad while you're free?", Kai finds love in situations like this absolutely ridiculous. Actually, Kai always finds love ridiculous. You're so into another person that you forget about yourself and eventually when the other leaves you feel like you've lost everything and Kai's not about that at all.

"Exactly", Joonmyun smirks at Kai's sigh of agreement. "When and where?", he asks and Joonmyun grins happily. "Next Saturday at six pm. My parents are going to hold a dance in honor of us or something. Wear a suit and be on your A game", he informs and Kai smirks.

"I'm always on my A game, hyung", and with that, Joonmyun stands up, salutes and disappears through the door while pulling up his cigarette pack. Kai sits there trying to study for a few minutes before coming to the conclusion that he's just wasting time not able to focus. He packs his stuff and drinks the rest of his coffee before disappearing through the door.

Kyungsoo doesn't expect much from Jongdae's birthday party, but he should've already guessed it was going to be hectic. It was Jongdae as the star of the night after all. Kyungsoo couldn't understand Jongdae, even after two years of befriending him. The guy hangs around with the bad boys in his free time and judging from the amount of parties he attends, Kyungsoo guesses he doesn't study much. Yet still the guy aces literally everything. He's friends with shy people and then the other day he hangs out with the loudest group of the god damn college.

The house is packed with people of different backgrounds. There's a lot of girls clearly confident in their bodies with short dresses and there are those who are silently drinking something from a red cup in the background, wearing jeans and wondering why they even came. Kyungsoo spots a beer pong game and a crowd around it the first thing when he arrives. Searching for Jongdae, he spots the guy on the coffee table shouting out jokes to a small group of people laughing with him. Kyungsoo chuckles and rolls his eyes, before marching towards the man.

"Ay Kyungsoo! You made it from your small little study cave!", Jongdae shouts from the coffee table and jumps down. They meet halfway and Kyungsoo gives a Fall Out Boy CD to the boy as a present. He knows how much he likes the album from the numerous times he's heard it playing in his Spotify playlist.

"Kyungsoo! You fucking didn't!", the guy yells and he's hugged. "Happy birthday shithead", Kyungsoo announces and Jongdae laughs before turning to the rest of the party.

"Yo! Everyone this is my man Kyungsoo right there. He's the fifth of all of you pieces of shits who actually bought me a birthday present!", he yells and Kyungsoo laughs as multiple middle fingers are raised and Jongdae jogs to his laptop that's connected to the speakers, playing some random song Kyungsoo's never heard before. "Kyungsoo go get some beer and let's get this party started", Jongdae tells and Kyungsoo obeys, with an amused grin playing on his lips.

Kyungsoo arrives to the free beer table and grabs a can from the bowl of ice. There's clearly less people here, everyone being careful not to pour their treasured alcohol accidentally. He's just opened the can when a tan tattooed arm reaches for a can too in front of him and Kyungsoo chokes on the alcohol in surprise. Starting to cough violently he hears a faint chuckle from next to him and he takes quick steps to the side to avoid any kind of contact with the other.

"You okay?", Kai asks and Kyungsoo looks up at the guy, bewildered and unsure of what to do. Kai's wearing the same v-neck as earlier today, but his skinny jeans are light blue now. His hair isn't styled very much at all, but he still manages to look absolutely breathtaking. His muscular arms open the can with ease, they've done it a lot already and Kyungsoo's still covering his mouth even though he's already recovered the coughing fit.

"Yeah, just got surprised I guess", Kyungsoo stutters out and Kai looks at Kyungsoo shortly before looking away at Jongdae who's currently dancing wildly to 'Centuries'. "So you know Jongdae, huh?", the guy asks again and Kyungsoo feels like running the fuck away.

"We hang out", he answers and then thinks about saying something, but nothing comes out. He shouldn't be doing this. He's traversing in dangerous waters. "Yeah, he seems to get along with anyone and everyone", Kai says and leans on the kitchen counter, and Kyungsoo's heart skips a beat at the image. He quickly averts his eyes from the other's adam's apple bobbing when Kai drinks.

"It's a good trait", Kai adds after swallowing and Kyungsoo can only nod and stare intently at the carpet, feeling like he's suffocating. He feels Kai turn to look at him and the other shuffles closer. Kyungsoo takes a small step away and blinks a few times, before deciding to check if Baekhyun had already arrived.

"I'm gonna go look for my friend", Kyungsoo tells without looking at the other and is about to move, when Kai suddenly grabs his arm. Kai's touch burns a mark in his arm and he can't breathe. "Hold up", it's like the last time. Kyungsoo turns to look at the other and catches Kai grabbing a marker from the table. It's apparently been used to write 'BOOOOOOOZE' on a small piece of paper and Kai uncaps it with his teeth and scribbles something down on Kyungsoo's arm.

Kyungsoo's sure he's about to faint, the touch doing illegal things to him. As soon as he starts catching numbers in his arm he gets scared of what the fuck's going to happen to him. The tan skin against his pale one looks so fucking good and he can't keep his mind clear with the tattoos dancing in front of his eyes. He catches the sentence 'love is a waste of life' next to a star tattoo and he feels his stomach turning and twisting, as if butterflies had gotten free. Kyungsoo glares at the sentence knowing exactly how bad he's in this mess. Kai's finally done and he throws the marker back on the table.

"Name's Kai. Call me", and it's the beginning of an end. It's the beginning of something Kyungsoo should avoid at any cost. "Kyungsoo. My name that is", he tells instead and Kai lets go of his arm and everything becomes mundane, the vibrant colors gone and it's so fucking hard to breathe. "See you," a stupid smirk makes its way to Kai's face and something is not right.

"Kyungsoo."

Something is terribly wrong.

Kyungsoo silently walks away, heart heavy in his chest and he searches for Baekhyun, but can't seem to find him. He feels awful, his heart beating loud in his ears and he wants to cry and scream because he's fucking done it again. Nothing good comes out of people like Kai, yet here he is, desperately wanting to bury himself under a layer of blankets and numb his fear of what's to come with alcohol. Jongdae's having fun and he doesn't want to ruin it by telling him how he's going home so he just silently leaves, the beer still in his hands.

The walk home is cold and his phone buzzes a few times in his coat's pocket but he doesn't want to grab it because he's afraid he might write the number in his arm in there. And then he'd stare at it for too long. And then he'd text. And then he'd call. And then they would meet. It's all just downhill from here and he doesn't know where the fucking brakes are. He can't find a way to calm his heart. The sound of it drumming violently against his ribcage feels awful and he takes a sip of the beer, hoping to just disappear for a few months.

He's halfway through the door when he takes a deep breath and all he can think about is how good Kai looked and how nice his touch had felt. It had been so god damn nice and he leans against the living room wall in his small apartment. His shoes are left next to the door and he sheds his coat on the couch's backrest, the phone sliding out of the open pocket and Kyungsoo rushes to the fridge to drink his feelings away.

He grabs the sixpack of cheap beer and settles it on the kitchen counter, drinking the last drops of the one he grabbed from Jongdae's party. Kyungsoo fetches his journal from the desk in his bedroom and he puts on the dim kitchen light. He opens a page in the journal and stares at the blank space violently. It feels like it's glaring back with double the intensity and Kyungsoo grabs a pen and writes down three letters and then he regrets. He regrets grabbing the pen because he can't fucking erase the name anymore. So he crosses it over instead, again and again, furiously trying to cover it up but only leaving a mess behind. Then he writes it again and this time only stares at it, words flooding into his mind like a tidal wave.

His favorite poems and quotes all come up and he writes them all down, one by one, letter by letter. Kai's name burns his eyes and it feels like it's mocking him. Like he's willingly dancing on the sharp end of a knife. Thoughts are running marathons in his mind and he can't stop them anymore and words are laughing at him as they fill the page and then Kyungsoo slams the pen down, putting an end to the madness. He looks down at the page, disgusted as he realizes he'd just dedicated a page of his journal, his life, to Kai. He doesn't even fucking know the guy yet and he's so attracted to him he might puke.

And so he downs another can of beer and moves on to another.

Kyungsoo is in some deep shit. He realizes this when it's two am and he's just written four pages worth of bullshit about Kai and something has lodged itself in his throat. It settled there, finding itself a home, making it hard to breathe. The longer he thinks about the tattoos on Kai's body and the blonde hair and how nice it would to run finger through the maze of it, the more frustration blocks his heart from beating properly. Kyungsoo realizes he's in some deep shit when all he can think about is how Kai's lips would taste and how the latter treats him like a fucking joke.

Finally he allows himself to look at the string of numbers scribbled down into his arm and he stares at them for so long that by the time he's typing them into his phone he's memorized half of them. He's angrily typing a drunk message going somewhere along the lines of 'fuck you and your stupid fucking tattoos you fucking piece of shit', but he gets frustrated at the typos and hits the call button instead.

It takes three beeps before the call's answered and judging from the weird 'hello' Kai's drunk as well. Kyungsoo can't the find the words to say, so he ends up with the first thing that comes into his mind: "Want to hook up?"

"Wait, who's this?", Kai slurs out and Kyungsoo hears a car drive past in the background. So he takes a tentative step into Hell by answering Kai's question. "I'm Kyungsoo! The arm you wrote your number in?", Kyungsoo reminds, mind clouded with images of Kai. The other laughs a little at the other end of the call. "I write my number in literally every attractive human I come across, but sure, Kyungsoo, let's hook up", the guy tells and something in that sentence has Kyungsoo biting into his lip so hard it hurts. "When and where?", Kai then continues and Kyungsoo only stares forward, realizes what he's about to do and hangs up on the other.

He cries that night. He hates himself and drowns under sad songs that he pressed shuffle on his laptop. The three ugly letters stare back at him from his journal and the sad music hits home.

"I didn't see you at all at the party yesterday", Baekhyun tells and Kyungsoo thinks about telling him how much he regrets ever taking one glance at the guy. But then he doesn't. "Yeah, me neither. I tried to look for you at first but I couldn't find you so I left pretty early", Kyungsoo lies while still keeping his eyes on his book and Baekhyun only nods and leans backwards in the library's chair.

"It was a pretty good party. Jongdae is truly amazing", Baekhyun tells and Kyungsoo has a flashback to a tan male writing down his number. He glances at the faded numbers in his arm, he had tried washing it off after the stupid crying session. And now he's tired and embarrassed and very much aware of his surroundings in case Kai happens to appear. Kyungsoo the wishes the other had forgotten. Or at least won't mention it to him.

"Who's your number you desperately tried to wash off?", Baekhyun asks as if he had noticed Kyungsoo's short glance at the number. Baekhyun then grabs Kyungsoo's arm for closer inspection.

"Nobody's", Kyungsoo panics and pulls his arm back from Baekhyun and the other looks at Kyungsoo concerned. "You didn't have a one night stand yesterday did you?", Baekhyun then interrogates and Kyungsoo laughs because he almost did and he wants to pretend he can't remember any of it. "Baekhyun what the fuck? You know me, I wouldn't", he reassures and Baekhyun only scoffs. "You wouldn't, but the alcohol would", he reasons and Kyungsoo couldn't agree more. Because it definitely was the alcohol calling Kai last night. Not Kyungsoo.

"Anyway, I spotted this handsome guy there. We talked and I forgot his name and now I really hate myself because he's really nice", Baekhyun sighs and Kyungsoo almost scoffs and gives him the middle finger for his puny problems. "Iconic", Kyungsoo only comments and returns back to his book after glancing around for any sign of a certain danger approaching. Nothing. He loves it when things work out.

"You just joke around but I'll find him and seduce him with my amazing looks", Baekhyun flaunts and Kyungsoo glances at the open schoolbook in front of Baekhyun and it looks so left out and alone with Baekhyun talking so animatedly.

"Best of luck, but I need to hurry. I still have to finish an essay about cells or some shit like that", Kyungsoo decides and Baekhyun looks like a child that just had his lollipop stolen. It's funny. "Fuck you", is the only thing Baekhyun says before Kyungsoo's walking out of the library and wondering if he left something important in his locker. He doesn't remember, so he just assumes not and takes the shorter route out of campus to go back home.

"Kyungsoo, right?", it's Kai and Kyungsoo almost drops his bag on the floor at the sight of him. He's leaning against a wall near the entrance of the building and is screaming sex. His leather pants are way too tight and the blonde hair is pushed back and a clean dress shirt shows off his lean figure. The sleeves are rolled up to his elbows and the top two buttons are open and the world is spinning so fast Kyungsoo feels like he's going to fall.

The guy strides the small distance to Kyungsoo and grabs his arm to check the number that's written in it and Kyungsoo bites his tongue to not say a damn thing to this man and move on. Walk away is all he can think but nothing fucking happens.

It's like the entire world is squeezing his heart, the force hurtful.

"You said you wanted to hook up but the call ended. You ran out of battery or what?", Kai's teasing, Kyungsoo can see it in his smug face and suddenly he feels angry. Like he wants revenge even if Kai hadn't done anything yet. So instead of staring with wide eyes he chuckles, grabs the last bits of his confidence and moves with the sheer strength of adrenaline pumping through his veins. "Yeah, an unfortunate mishap", Kyungsoo answers and looks up into Kai's eyes, as if challenging and the other is clearly taken back by the reaction. But it doesn't last long before Kai's already recovered and fully accepting the challenge. He bends forward to whisper into Kyungsoo's ear.

"Want to check out my apartment. More precisely, my bed. I think you'd look good on top of it", Kai whispers boldly and this time Kyungsoo can't stop the blush and Kai's holding his arm, the touch making Kyungsoo oh so nervous. But more than anything is that excitement running through his body?

"I'd love to", Kyungsoo answers, his voice a bit shaky and then Kai straightens up and takes one last look at Kyungsoo's flushed face before pulling him along through the door. To Hell with essays and stupid cells. All Kyungsoo wants right now is to feel Kai's body under his fingertips and trace the tattoos with his tongue.

Kyungsoo doesn't think Kai was planning on going out since he was lacking the warmth of a jacket and instead they quickly walk to a run down car that resembles Kai in how scratched and shaggy it is. When Kyungsoo sits on the passenger seat he smells cigarette smoke and his shoe hits an alcohol bottle on the car's floor. Kai grins at Kyungsoo who's trying to position his feet so that he doesn't touch any litter and then they're driving off to somewhere. The ride is silent and Kyungsoo avoids looking like the nervous trainwreck he is.

Kai opens the door and pulls it open, his hand resting on the small of Kyungsoo's back. Kyungsoo glances at Kai's inviting face and walks inside taking in the surprisingly clean apartment. It's extremely small, there's only one room, an equally small kitchen and what he guesses is a bathroom. There's a bed under a big window and a TV sits in the corner of the room. Kyungsoo can hear Kai's keys hit a surface and he glances backwards to spot him taking off his shoes, the keys on a shelf next to the door. Kyungsoo gulps while Kai's not looking and decides that what the heck. After this what he expects to be amazing experience he can just tell Kai to never talk to him again and it'll all be over. He'll cut all ties and continue on with his life.

Kai finally looks up at Kyungsoo who's landed his bag near the wall. Kyungsoo's about to take his coat off, but Kai closes the distance and slides the coat off of Kyungsoo himself. It's like Heaven and Hell colliding, Kai's touch is. The guy's breath fans his neck and Kyungsoo can feel the hard chest against his softer one. He quietly lands his hands on the other's chest and it's like biting into the forbidden fruit. Kai gets as if couraged by the other's action and a sudden kiss is planted just under Kyungsoo's ear. Kyungsoo bites his lip and closes his eyes to resist the moan. He does clench the fabric covering Kai's chest and when Kai starts moving towards his mouth with the small butterfly like kisses he stops biting his lips and opens his mouth in anticipation. The Heaven lasts until the last kiss just in the corner of Kyungsoo's mouth and then Kai's suddenly attacking Kyungsoo's mouth, grabbing a plump lips between his teeth and sucking. The lips then collide together and a tongue slips past Kyungsoo defense (what defense?) and grants itself access inside Kyungsoo's mouth and all Hell breaks loose.

Kyungsoo can't hold in the moan anymore and he moans into the kiss, skin on fire as Kai slips a hand under his shirt, the other dangerously nearing his ass. Noses collide amidst the chaos and all Kyungsoo can do is pull Kai closer and closer until there's nothing but fabric in between them. Then Kai takes a small step forward, pushing Kyungsoo backwards more and more with every step until Kyungsoo's legs meet up with a bed and lock in their places to avoid falling on top of it.

Kai doesn't take any of it and pushes Kyungsoo on his back against the soft mattress and Kyungsoo springs up a little, feeling breathless and hot. They lose contact and all Kyungsoo can see is Kai's hot smirk as he starts unbuttoning his shirt. It's like Hell, watching them come undone, one by one, but all he can do is wait because he can't move.  

It's too much, but Kyungsoo gladly accepts it. "Come on", Kyungsoo suddenly whines as Kai's deliberately slowing down nearing the end. Kyungsoo can already catch glimpses of tattoos on his chest and Kai decides to stop the torture at the plead. The shirt is thrown away and Kyungsoo is utterly captivated by the shapes covering his chest and the tan skin that's slowly creeping up over to him. Kai lowers himself down on top of Kyungsoo, thigh against thigh and they kiss again but with Kai starting to play with the hem of Kyungsoo's white t-shirt, slowly pulling it upwards until Kyungsoo's pale skin is met up with cold air.

And the touches get needier and hotter by the seconds. Kyungsoo is like a time bomb waiting to blow and Kai won't stop teasing. Their bulges are brushing, but Kai doesn't seem to mind. It's driving Kyungsoo so mad that he decides to take matters into his own hands. Literally. Pushing Kai down next to him on the bed he climbs on top and settles between Kai's legs, tongue following the tattoos on the other's chest. A groan slips past Kai's lips and he keeps glancing downwards at Kyungsoo who's slowly travelsing downwards more and more into the Devil's territory. And tonight he will embrace said Devil.

 

I don't mean to be a bother, but there's an entire universe inside of you.

Kyungsoo wakes up to an alarm sounding from under a pillow next to him. He hears a groan and someone shuffles deeper under the covers and Kyungsoo shuts his eyes closed even more tightly refusing to face the regret. The alarm doesn't stop and finally the figure next to him curses out loud and reaches for his phone, shutting the alarm off. He feels the bed squeak as the other sits up, takes in the world and stretches himself with a moan. Kyungsoo doesn't even breathe, too afraid of having to face Kai. He curses the apartment being so small that he can't even do anything without the other seeing. 

"Get up, Kyungsoo. I know you're awake", Kai's voice sounds husky and deep and Kyungsoo doesn't move for another few seconds but then he grabs his pillow from under his head and pushes it against his face. Maybe he could suffocate himself? 

"Want coffee?", Kai asks casually as the bed springs and footsteps patter off in the direction of the kitchen. "Yes", Kyungsoo squeaks, forcing the memories of yesterday to disappear before he'd start crying. 

It was amazing. Utterly and completely beautiful. The way Kai's fingertips had danced against his skin, made him scream, Kyungsoo felt like he had reached Nirvana. Blush creeps up on Kyungsoo and he tightens the grip on the pillow more. 

"I only have bread, if you don't mind", Kai informs Kyungsoo from the kitchen and the latter hears the coffee machine come alive. "Not at all", Kyungsoo sounds conflicted and he can't  believe he's having breakfast with Kai after having amazing sex with him just last night. 

"I have to go borrow a suit for a dance today. It's 10 am, so if you have something to do soon, I'd suggest you get up", Kai tells and Kyungsoo finally removes the pillow from his face and sits up, hissing at the sore spots in his body. "Sorry about that. But you were begging and I get really excited about shit like that", Kai clearly heard the hiss and Kyungsoo blushes violently. He pretends to not think about how it would feel to have every morning like this. With Kai brewing coffee for him in nothing but his underwear.

"Just shut up and never talk about last night again", Kyungsoo gets the courage say and he grabs his boxers from the ground and tries to pull them on as discreetly as possible. After the intimate last night talking becomes a bit easier. "You didn't enjoy it? Because I very much did", Kai asks shamelessly again and Kyungsoo makes the mistake of turning to glare at Kai only to catch the man only in his boxers, spreading butter on toast grinning at Kyungsoo's flushed look. 

"It was good, now let's never talk again", Kyungsoo tells and reaches for his t-shirt, pulling it over his head. It smells of sweat and mistakes. "You could borrow mine, you know?", Kai suggests and Kyungsoo shakes his head violently.

"The sooner this is over the better", he tells and stands up to pull his jeans on. "So we're not going to be fuck buddies? Shame", Kai comments and walks back to Kyungsoo to give him a piece of bread, and bites into his own while scanning Kyungsoo from head to toes. 

"You still look good, impressive", Kai compliments and Kyungsoo bites into the bread aggressively and goes to open the other door, to indeed reveal a bathroom. He decides to pretend he didn't hear what the other just said. Kai chuckles and follows him to the doorway and watches as Kyungsoo leans in closer to the mirror to inspect the damage. There's purple and red batches all over his neck and he curses.  

"You don't happen to have any foundation to cover this mess up?", Kyungsoo asks, ignoring the small cut in his lower lip and the sweaty, messy hair. "I do, but it's too dark for you", Kai tells and Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and decides to leave it then.

"I'm not going anywhere today anyway", he mumbles to himself and exits the bathroom, ignoring the small brush against Kai's arm while walking past him. The coffee's ready and Kai pours a cup for him and settles it in Kyungsoo's hand. Kai then walks into the bathroom and proceeds to brush his teeth. Kyungsoo can't not stare at his boxer clad ass while he goes.

With amazing willpower Kyungsoo downs his coffee that's too strong for his liking in only a few gulps. He ignores the burning feeling in his throat and tells himself how bad he needs the caffeine. He finishes his bread, and pushes the thought of how Kai made this for him and stands up. He spots his bag where he left it and the coat lying right next to it. Glancing at Kai who's watching him while brushing his teeth in the doorway of the bathroom, he fetches his coat and throws it on. 

"I'll be going, don't even acknowledge me if you come across me", Kyungsoo demands and grabs his bag from the floor. "You don't want a ride back home?", Kai asks and Kyungsoo shakes his head roughly. "No thanks", he says and exits the apartment leaving Kai grinning. This was definitely the first time someone was so keen on leaving him after a one night stand. Usually they cling onto him as if wishing Kai had fallen in love with them or something. He rarely even brew them coffee, too annoyed at their stupid ways of trying to stay and then ending up kicking them out. 

Kyungsoo definitely wasn't like the others. 

Spitting out the remnants of the toothpaste, he finished up the cleaning and went to grab some clothes while sipping his coffee. 

"Hey Sehun, you still have that suit that's way too big for you right?", Kai asks through the phone as he sits on the seat of his car, a leather jacket covering a blue t-shirt. He's also wearing black skinnies and his gray chucks are clearly becoming too cold for this weather. He vows to buy winter shoes once the snow comes. 

"Yeah, why?", Sehun asks and judging from his voice he's clearly just woken up. "Joonmyun just needs a favor", Kai tells and Sehun scoffs.

"I'm telling you, he only ever uses you. When has he ever helped you?", Sehun asks and Kai laughs. "You know my apartment? He bought it for me"; Kai answers and takes a right turn. "Wow, amazing. If he's going to buy you an apartment, why not buy a decent one, that place is a shithole", Sehun complains and Kai rolls his eye while stopping at the red light. He lands his hands in his lap and watches the light intently.

"Shut the fuck up, at least I'm not living with my parents", he bites back and Sehun laughs. "They're never fucking home so I might as well live alone", Kai agrees but doesn't say anything back. 

"Anyway, I had a good fuck last night", Kai informs and Sehun groans. "Why are you telling me this?", he asks and Kai laughs while speeding up as the light turns green. "He hates me apparently. He didn't want anything more than to get out of there the moment he woke up", he continues and Sehun chuckles. "You have that effect on people", he jokes and Kai sighs at the stupid joke. "The thing is I don't, and you know that." 

"Yeah yeah big fucking deal, someone got embarrassed about an one night stand that he had while influenced by alcohol. Not the first time this has happened, you know", Sehun sighs and Kai hears the toilet flush. Motherfucker. "He wasn't drunk, and he was quite willing", Kai tells and Sehun yells out a "I don't know man, why don't you ask him yourself" because of frustration. 

"Anyway I'm halfway to your house. Get the suit ready", Kai informs and Sehun curses him and then hangs up.

Sehun doesn't look pleased to see his best friend at his house. The place is quiet and Sehun only flips him off after pointing at the suit hanging on the coat rack before going to his room once again. Kai doesn't stay for long, only grabs the suit and steals a cigarette from the pack on the coffee table. He lights it up outside and throws the suit in the backseat of his car and leans against the said vehicle. His mind wanders to how surprised he was when Kyungsoo had taken control. He nearly never bottomed and it was surprisingly nice to just lie back and let the other ride away. 

Kyungsoo was good. He'd repeat the night again if he could. 

His phone buzzes in his backpocket and Kai answers it after seeing it's Joonmyun. "You got a suit?", the male asks and Kai answers positively. "Good, because you have to be here in an hour", he tells and Kai furrows his eyebrows after sucking in some nicotine. "It's only one o'clock, why?", Kai asks but stomps on the cigarette after dropping it anyway. "Change of plans. Dad wants to have lunch with a few guests and us, so you need to appear here asap", Joonmyun tells and Kai groans. "I haven't showered or anything", Kai tells and Joonmyun curses before telling him to hurry while he holds them up. Kai speeds off back home. 

He arrives at the Kim mansion looking fresh and darkly handsome. His hair is pushed back once again and the suit fits well for it being a borrowed one. He leaves the cigarettes in his car, guessing the girl doesn't like cigarette smoking pieces of shits. A few of his tattoos are showing in his neck area but otherwise he looks like he hasn't made any bad decisions in his life. Not like tattoos are bad decisions. 

"Kai! You made it!", Joonmyun sounds way too friendly and there's a girl hanging from his arm. She looks proud and eyes Kai like she's very pleased at the sight. It's a good start. "Hyung, how are you?", he asks politely after hugging him as the girl lets go of his rich fiance. She smiles politely as Kai takes a look at her. "And who's this beauty?", he flirts shamelessly and Joonmyun acts like he doesn't notice. "She's my fiance! Lee Hyejin", Joonmyun lands a hand on the small of her back and she greets Kai. "This is Kim Jongin, but everyone just calls him Kai", Joonmyun explains and Kai smirks the way he knows girls like. "Pleasure to meet you!", Kai tells and lands a kiss on her hand. He knows rich and proud girls love when people kiss their feet. He even bows a little. "Pleasure is mine", the girl says back, voice velvety and rich and Kai glances at Joonmyun who's very happy with how things are going while letting go of her hand and straightening up. 

"Shall we go then?", Joonmyun's father asks as he appears with his wife from behind them, clearly talking to his own guests who all look important and gross in Kai's eyes. The man then takes a look at Kai, seemingly trying to recall where he had seen him, but can't pinpoint it as he never says anything. Kai had definitely looked way different when he woke up at the living room floor at this very mansion, Joonmyun's parents yelling at their son. He was only 16 when he and Joonmyun ran away from there for the 5th time. 

Joonmyun's parents walk past the trio, smiling warmly at the girl before they and their guests all sit down in a limousine. Kai's the last to enter the limousine and he watches as the driver shuts the door and then he's met up with casual conversations. Hyejin is smiling the whole ride and Kai purposefully steals glances at her, acting all lovestruck. It's how girls like her like it.

He purposefully situates himself across Hyejin at the restaurant and tries to spark up a conversation with her. She tries to keep her cool at first, but soon she starts flirting back shamelessly. "Your dress looks nice", Kai says boldly when Joonmyun acts like he's interested in what his father is talking about. The girl looks over at the rest of the table before complimenting Kai's appearance as well. 

"Such a shame Joonmyun saw you before I did", Kai continues, getting bolder by the minutes and glances at Joonmyun who's clearly very satisfied with Kai. Hyejin blushes but doesn't say anything. The lunch goes on like this and then they drive to the rented venue where the dance is supposed to be held. It's almost 6 pm and there are already guests there, and Joonmyun and Hyejin greet everyone with his parents leaving Kai in the background. He grabs the nearest drink containing alcohol and wills himself to not take more than this so that he doesn't screw anything up. He downs it and puts it back on the tray where he left it. The waiter looks shocked, but only smiles and moves on. 

Kai turns to stare at Hyejin, in case she turns to look at him, so that they would lock eyes. It indeed doesn't last long before she glances back at Kai and they share a moment of eye contact before she's introduced to a yet another person. 

Her skin is pale, but it only brings up another person. Kyungsoo's is even paler and Kai recalls counting the moles in his body. The contrast between the milky white and chocolate brown moles had looked nice and a number eight spirals in his mind while he continues staring openly at Hyejin. 

Her lips aren't nearly as plump either and he doesn't like the clean look on her. He likes blooming bruises and bite marks on skin, likes messy, sweaty hair and ablaze gazes. He likes fingers desperately clutching into his skin, nails leaving marks into his tan skin. He likes to destroy people like that. He'd like to try trashing Hyejin, but he knows he won't. They won't be doing nothing but heated kissing tonight and he wonders if Kyungsoo would answer if he'd call at 9 pm. 

He breaks out of his thoughts as Joonmyun and Hyejin start walking towards him. "Would you take care of her while I'm going to meet up a few really important persons. It's boring and she probably would rather dance or something", Joonmyun says and Hyejin turns around to face Joonmyun. "I told you I'd be fine with coming with you", she tries but Joonmyun only chuckles. "You'd probably just fall asleep, trust me, you'll have more fun with Kai", he tells and after kissing Hyejin's cheek, he glances at Kai with a sharp gaze. This is his moment. Joonmyun then walks away and follows his father into a separate room.  

"So, you want to dance?", Kai asks and after a moment of pondering, Hyejin nods and then grabs Kai's offered hand. They walk up to the dance floor that’s already quite filled. Kai lands his hand on the small of her back and lifts her other hand up while pulling her chest to chest. She looks away and when they start swaying, Kai continues staring at her face. "You're beautiful", Kai starts and the girl glances at Kai before looking over his shoulder. "Stop saying things like that", she mumbles, obviously enjoying it. "But you are", Kai continues, feeling quite gross hearing his own words. Hyejin turns to look at Kai in the eyes and for the first time keep her gaze steady. Kai feels sick at her look, love's so disgusting. 

"Thank you", she says, sincere and Kai wants to wipe that look off her face. Does nobody have any self-control? Who even wants to fall in love? Kai gets reminded of Kyungsoo's leaving back and he guesses at least someone doesn't. At least someone runs away. And odd enough he wants to chase him. Watch him crumble in front of him. Maybe it's the fetish of wanting to see people absolutely under his spell. 

They dance like that, eyes locked and kind-looking, before the live band changes the song and Kai is the one to break free. "Do you want something to drink?", he asks and Hyejin smiles while nodding. Kai leads the girl to one of the waiters and texts Joonmyun with a discreet 'around the corner near the men's bedroom' when Hyejin's not looking. After shoving his phone back in the inside of his suit jacket, he leads Hyejin further away from the people, dangerously nearing the door leading to the bathrooms. Hyejin looks confused for a second, but upon realizing what's happening, she blushes. "We shouldn't", Hyejin tells and Kai smirks. "But do you want to?", he asks and Hyejin looks up. "Yes", she tells and Kai glances at the door before looking back at Hyejin. "Just one time shouldn't hurt, should it?", Kai asks and Hyejin nods after a moment, and then they walk through the door and meet up with a hallway.  

The men's and women's bathrooms are side by side on the left and then the hallway curves to the right, like Kai knew. This isn't the first time he's attended a dance here. Joonmyun's parents like this venue. He leads Hyejin around the corner and glances at the door as he pushes her against the wall. Hyejin gulps and stares back at Kai nervously. Kai leans in closer until their breaths fan each other. To convince the girl once more he asks one more time: "Are you sure?", he asks and hears a faint "yes" from the girl. So he closes the distance and kisses the girl heatedly and passionately. He faintly hears the door open then, and makes sure Hyejin doesn't notice by pushing against her even more. Her hands rest on his shoulders to make it even more obvious and when Joonmyun's "what the fuck" sounds from next to him the girl shrieks and pushes Kai away. 

"I can't fucking believe this!", he yells, and Kai thinks he should become an actor. Joonmyun then backs away from the two to bring the scene to public eyes. "Joonmyun, this isn't what you think it is!", the girl yells the classic line, rushing after him and Kai watches as the two exit the bathrooms, the loud shouts now for everyone to witness. At this Kai slips past the crowd and exits the venue. He loosens his tie on the way to the bus stop. The next bus is to arrive in five minutes he knows and regrets not bringing his cigarettes with him. 

He arrives to his car a half an hour later and sits in the driver's seat to grab his cigarettes. He opens the window only slightly and starts smoking away, leaning back on his seat. They should be coming home in fifteen minutes, so he has about 5 minutes to disappear from here. After two minutes he starts the engine and drives off, leaving only a single cigarette butt as a mark that he ever was here. 

Kyungsoo hates having nothing to do. He's just finished the stupid essay and his homework already too. It leaves him lying around on his sofa, staring at a stupid TV show he has zero interest in. And at times like this Kai revolves in his head like the planets revolve the god damn Sun. His shameless smirks cloud his head like a gloomy day and it brings nothing more than frustration at how much he's attracted to the other. Kyungsoo swears the guy just walked out a of a dream of his. Too bad the other's going to destroy him. Kyungsoo won't allow it. He won't become broken because of a stupid man. He's not suicidal for fuck's sake. 

He thinks long and hard whether he should call Baekhyun to hang out but then he recalls him complaining about the mountain of schoolwork he has to do and so he decides to not bother him. Besides the other would've already called if he had time to hang out with Kyungsoo. Maybe he should call Jongdae instead? The guy knows how to cheer someone up. But Kyungsoo doesn't feel like running around Seoul after Jongdae who has constantly somewhere to go and something to do. 

Kyungsoo decides to leave the phone on the coffee table alone just to avoid himself from thinking about the number saved under 'Kai'. It doesn't really help since he thinks about the guy anyway. It's 8:30 pm when his phone finally rings and he jumps up to answer it. He looks at the number and throws his phone across the room in surprise. He's not going to fucking answer Kai's calls. He's going to forget about him and he's not going to fuck around with the guy anymore. So he shuts the TV off and escapes to his bedroom, hiding under his covers, playing some cheery music from his laptop. After thirty minutes of just lying there he decides to just go to sleep early and he shuts the music off and dreams of Kai. 

Kyungsoo doesn't answer even after the third try and Kai lands his phone on the kitchen counter and sighs. He's really running away huh? Frustration rumbles at the bottom of his stomach as he removes the suit pants and throws them into the laundry basket along with his other clothes. He bangs his head against the fridge door, before opening it only to see nothing but a few cans of beer he stole from Jongdae's party. He stares at them intently, but doesn't feel like drinking them, so instead he closes the door and thinks about going shopping for food. Determinedly Kai sets his alarm for 9 am instead and then goes to sleep hungry and disappointed. 

Sunday rolls around too soon and it's already 12 pm when Kyungsoo wakes up. The Sun shines bright from the window and Kyungsoo chuckles at how exhausted he had been. He gets up feeling refreshed and proud for not answering Kai's calls. As he walks out of his bedroom he discovers his phone on the floor, and he checks the screen for any cracks but finds none. He breathes out a sigh of relief before frying some eggs for breakfast. They were his last eggs and pastes a post-it note in his fridge: 'go grocery shopping' and eats the eggs while scrolling through his twitter feed.  

Baekhyun had tweeted about how much studying sucked regularly every two hours the whole day. Jongdae had posted a picture of him standing on top of his car at some highway with a few other guys posing in the background and he wondered what the hell had happened this time. Some other mutuals had also tweeted some funny random crap and he even retweeted some of it before landing the plate in the sink and going to change his clothes. He comes out with sweatpants and a black t-shirt and he's about to go brush his teeth when his doorbell rings. 

He wonders who the heck it is and goes to open it. The first thing he does when he sees blonde hair and tan skin topped with tattoos is curse out loud. But the other has already landed his foot between the door and the wall, stopping it from closing in his nose. Kai smirks and Kyungsoo frowns at his heart beating oh so very loudly in his ears. "Want to hang out?", Kai asks and invites himself inside. All Kyungsoo can do is sigh and close the door after him. "Not at all", he tells and runs a hand through his hair. "What do you want? I thought we agreed on never saying anything to each other again", Kyungsoo asks and Kai turns around to look at him after looking around his apartment. "You agreed, I never did", he clarifies and Kyungsoo groans before rubbing his face. The day had started so well. 

"I'm sure you have something better to do than torture me", Kyungsoo tries and Kai shrugs. "I don't. And I'd very much like to do you again", he tells and Kyungsoo blushes before rushing to the bathroom to brush his teeth. "How do you know where I live?", Kyungsoo asks, not recalling saying anything to Kai about that. "I asked Jongdae, the guy was very willing to spill", Kai tells and Kyungsoo frowns. "Remind me to kill that guy", he mumbles and starts brushing his teeth. When he notices Kai appear behind him from the mirror, he turns around to stop him from doing anything funny. 

"What if I told you I'd leave you alone if you let me take you on a date today. No foul play, just a basic date", Kai suggests as he leans a bit closer and Kyungsoo furrows his eyebrows, before turning to spit into the sink. "I'm pretty sure you don't do dates", he tells and starts brushing again. Kai laughs. "I don't. At all. Never. That's why you should take this offer", he tells and Kyungsoo has butterflies in his stomach again. He avoids looking into Kai's eyes and instead stays quiet until he's finished. After cleaning his toothbrush he steps out of the bathroom and Kai follows along. 

"Say, if I theoretically agreed, what would we do?", Kyungsoo asks, still avoiding the other's eyes and walking back to his bedroom to make his bed. It was a habit he had picked up from his mother. Every morning she would waltz into his room and whisper a good morning into his ear and make sure he'd get up. Then after he had dressed she'd peek into his room on her way to the kitchen to make a quick breakfast. If he hadn't made his bed, she wouldn't give him breakfast until he had. Kai has thought about his answer for a while now, Kyungsoo realizes as he's nearly done. He glances behind him to see the other gazing outside his bedroom window, thinking hard. "You haven't thought about that, have you?", Kyungsoo sighs and for whatever reason he's disappointed. 

"I'd take you to see my all-time favorite place in the whole wide world", Kai tells instead of acknowledging what Kyungsoo just said and the latter thinks he couldn't be more embarrassing with the blooming blush on his cheeks. The thought of going somewhere important to Kai is stupid and makes him unnecessarily nervous. He straightens the wrinkles in his sheets just to have that little more time before he turns around and probably accidentally slips out a yes and puts one of his legs into his future grave he'd dug for himself. Or maybe Kai was the one holding the shovel? 

Kyungsoo sighs and pushes the thoughts away. He turns around and sees Kai and he feels dizzy all of the sudden. It's frustrating how easily the guy lures Kyungsoo into his bait. "Okay then. I don't have anything better to do anyway", he tells, adding the second sentence as a nonchalant encouragement for himself. Kai smirks and reveals his hands from his pants' pockets, and walks back into the living room. Kyungsoo follows and he probably looks absolutely horrible, contrasting Kai's handsome self next to the other, but then again who the fuck cares. He kind of does. 

They exit Kyungsoo's apartment silent and the silence follows all the way to Kai's car and they drive off. Kai drives a little bit over the speed limit all the way to their destination but Kyungsoo doesn't really mind. They slow down only when they're entering a remote car park on top of a hill not in the busiest part of the city. Kyungsoo wonders whether they need to walk from here but when Kai drives past all the empty spaces all the way to the top floor he guesses that this is the place Kai so much likes. 

The third and also the top floor is almost empty, only one other car parked on the other side and Kai stops the engine and sits back in his car seat. Kyungsoo follows the others actions with his eyes and it's quiet for a long while before Kyungsoo looks in the direction where Kai's looking. The skyscrapers are like diamonds against the blue sky in the distance as they reflect the Sun's light and the cotton like clouds look edible with how fluffy and white they are. Kyungsoo thinks he's found a place where he can catch a glimpse of Heaven, where he can catch a glimpse of what angels see everyday. Kai's car frames the picture and Kyungsoo stares at the slowly traveling clouds as Kai suddenly sighs loudly. 

"I would go outside but it's too cold for that. Rooftops would be perfect if it wasn't so cold", Kai tells and Kyungsoo gets reminded of a certain tattooed male asking where he could get to the rooftop. Kyungsoo thinks he understands now. Maybe Kai's only seeking for Heaven? It's ironic since Kyungsoo finds both Heaven and Hell in Kai's eyes. There's an entirely new kind of beauty now when Kyungsoo turns to look at Kai who's hands rest on the bottom of the wheel. This kind of beauty isn't so bad. 

"You know, sometimes you surprise me", Kyungsoo tells and thinks he should replace the word 'sometimes' with 'always'. "I thought the only thing you care about is sex and cigarettes", Kyungsoo adds and turns to look back at the horizon. Kai laughs. "You don't really know anything about me, Kyungsoo", Kai reminds and Kyungsoo knows Kai is right and he likes to think that he knows so little that what he assumes Kai to be like turns out to be the complete opposite. 

"Have you ever gone skinny dipping in a random motel's swimming pool?", Kai asks and Kyungsoo shakes his head trying really hard not to imagine it. "Or cried into someone's shoulder while they're inking your arm at 4 am in a random person's bedroom?", Kai adds and Kyungsoo doesn't answer anything to that because obviously he hasn't. "It's been stupid and regretful sometimes but I mean at least I have memories", Kai tells and Kyungsoo turns to look at the other's arm, searching for a tattoo that looks like it could have been made by an amateur. Kai catches the other's stare and points out a 'fuck the world' in the middle of all the chaos. It sure looks rushed and ugly. "Don't comment on what it says. I was 14 and thought I was very punk. I would've gotten it removed already if it wasn't for the memory. 

Kyungsoo laughs instead and Kai grins. "Tell me more", Kyungsoo hears himself say and Kai looks outside his side's window as if avoiding looking at Kyungsoo. "I once jumped off a balcony. Thought I could make it without any major injuries, got my leg broken and regretted it for the next two months of my life", Kai tells and glances at Kyungsoo's face. "Unbelievable", Kyungsoo comments and Kai snorts. "But true." 

"I once messed up someone's upcoming marriage. Actually that happened yesterday", Kai says, staring in front of him at the horizon and Kyungsoo's smile wipes off as his heart drops. This is exactly what he means by Kai always surprising him. He gives Kyungsoo hope at first but then he crushes it right after. "The fiance is a good friend of mine and asked me to do it, but I still shattered a girl's heart and dreams yesterday", Kai continues and Kyungsoo doesn't want to hear anymore so he steps out of the car and climbs on top of the concrete ledge at the edge of the place. He sits down and feels an odd rush looking at his feet hanging so far up in the air. 

He hears the car's door open again and glances at Kai who leans on the ledge with his forearms. Kyungsoo then looks away, afraid that what happened to the girl will happen to him. It's almost certain it will happen yet he still just sits there. Yet he still stays around fishing for miracles. "Did I ruin our date now?", Kai asks after a moment of quiet and Kyungsoo doesn't know what to answer.  

"I should run away, shouldn't I?", Kyungsoo says truthfully and the wind blows against his numb fingers. Kai inhales and exhales and the diamonds sparkle in their eyes. "The thing is, I'm not sure if I want you to", Kai answers and Kyungsoo wants to cry because that's not the answer he needed, even if he wanted it. He needed a "you're right, let me drive you home and never speak to you again". He recognizes hope spreading into his brain and that's exactly what he doesn't need. 

Kai's phone rings and Kyungsoo tries hard to ignore the angry singing that echoes from the other's pocket. He doesn't recognize the song and it stops abruptly when Kai spews out a 'what' not sounding interested at all. Kyungsoo faintly hears a voice coming from the phone, but he has no idea what the other is saying. 

"What, right now?", Kai asks sounding confused and Kyungsoo waits for the 'I'll drive you home' to come but instead he hears Kai tell the other to wait. "Want to meet my friend?", Kai asks Kyungsoo instead and the other snaps his gaze to look at Kai in surprise. His heart swells and he doesn't want to acknowledge it. It sounds all too exciting to say no, even if Kyungsoo knows it's the wrong answer. "Sure", he answers and Kai grins returning back to the call. "We'll be there", Kai tells and Kyungsoo hears Kai laugh and he finds the sparkles in Kai's eyes more beautiful than the skyscrapers reflecting the Sun. 

"Alright see you in ten", Kai tells and hangs up before any other word is exchanged and atmosphere is light all of a sudden, Kyungsoo pushing the sadness away as he lands back on the ground. "Let's go. Joonmyun wants to celebrate", Kai tells and Kyungsoo wants to ask who Joonmyun is but instead stays quiet, not sure if he should. 

Kai's car comes to a stop in front of a small Korean barbeque restaurant, the friendly sizzling of the grills in each table welcoming them. A man with similar kind of style as to Kai, only that he's wearing a woollen coat instead of a leather jacket sits at one of the tables, lifting an alcohol bottle in the air at the sight of Kai. The coat looks expensive and as the man shouts out a 'I'm a free fucking man now' Kai laughs and rushes to sit opposite the guy on the floor. Kyungsoo shyly follows along and plops himself next to Kai who's already ordering more beer. Kyungsoo catches Joonmyun staring and then the other leans forward to lean his elbows against the table and scrutinizes Kyungsoo. 

"Who are you?", he asks and Kai glances between the two, obviously amused. The ahjumma who runs the business breaks Kyungsoo's and Joonmyun's eye contact by landing two more bottles in between them and compliments their looks. "I'm Kyungsoo", he finally tells and Joonmyun nods slowly. "And how do you know this piece of shit on your left?", Joonmyun interrogates and Kai sits back to watch the exchange of words. Kyungsoo sips from his beer bottle and glances at Kai thinking over his answer. 

"Well I mean, we fucked. And we were on a date? And I guess we're acquaintances or something?", Kyungsoo lets out guessing Joonmyun wants a straight answer. He's spent enough time observing people like this to know they liked bold people. Joonmyun stares at Kyungsoo for a few seconds while Kai's already laughing. Then Joonmyun turns to Kai laughing as well. "You went on a date? Kim Jongin took a guy on a date? Write this in the history books so that nobody forgets it", Joonmyun announces and Kyungsoo won't let the name 'Kim Jongin' just pass. He stores it in his brain, imprints it into his heart, labels it as important. He grins. "I like you", Joonmyun tells, pointing a finger at him, before sipping from his bottle again. 

"You seem like a great guy", Joonmyun adds and eyes Kai as he speaks.The guy's watching as the meat arrives and the tray is put on the table. And so the meat meets the hot grill and Kyungsoo listens to Joonmyun ramble on and on about what they've done together with Kai. He finds the occasional laughs and excited explanations from Kai so intriguing that he can't help but observe how the guy leans forward whenever he remembers something funny. The smile is genuine and diamonds sparkle in Kai's eyes  whenever he glances at Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo isn't sure whether it's just the light's reflection or if he's just imagining it but sometimes he wonders whether the shine only appears whenever Kai looks at Kyungsoo. 

Kyungsoo finds beauty like no other in a tan man embracing memories. 

He snaps out of his small little daydream as Joonmyun pours some just ordered soju into Kyungsoo's shot glass and then some into his own. He leaves Kai out and the other gives him the middle finger. Kyungsoo raises the glass to meet up with Joonmyun's. They clink them against one another and Joonmyun smirks at Kyungsoo. "For you", is the only thing he says and Kyungsoo finds it puzzling, meanwhile Kai looks down at his lap. They down the liquid and Kyungsoo closes his eyes at the stinging feeling in his throat. Joonmyun groans loudly and Kai sips his beer at the sight. 

Sometime after Kyungsoo opens his eyes after the burning feeling is over he drinks another one. And then another, almost getting used to the horrible taste. Joonmyun's quite clearly tipsy already with his constant blabbering and Kai downs his second shot, only to reach for the bottle once again. Kyungsoo isn't sure what he's trying to achieve here, maybe to numb the shouting in his mind? He doesn't want to hear how much his brain is telling him to stop, so he carries on. After five minutes, his bladder is about to burst, so he shuffles up and to the bathroom, leaving Kai and Joonmyun alone. 

Joonmyun watches Kyungsoo go and as soon as the door shuts he turns to Kai. "What are you trying to do exactly?", he asks Kai, genuinely curious. "You took him on a date! What the hell Jongin?", Joonmyun asks, the alcohol swinging along with his hand and Kai only leans back, not quite sure what to answer. "You know that you don't take your fuck buddies to god damn dates", the other continues and takes a sip. "I'm not sure", Kai mumbles as an answer and leans forward, not knowing what to tell Joonmyun. Kyungsoo's different, but everyone knows Kai doesn't commit. 

"Well, whatever you are trying to do here, you should stop", Joonmyun tells and glances back at the bathroom door while Kai looks at the other. "He looks at you like you put the stars in the fucking sky." It hits Kai hard in the stomach. It's like a right hook right against his intestines and he probably looks panicked as Joonmyun finishes his beer bottle, watching Kai. "But then again, ruining relationships has become a hobby to me. Who am I to say anything", Joonmyun adds and slaps some money on the table. "I'll return back to my penthouse and pass out drunk on the sofa. See you later", Joonmyun tells as he takes his leave. 

Kai exhales and stares at the money Joonmyun has left behind. Blinking, he then turns to Kyungsoo who's returning from the bathroom. Kai wets his lower lip as he stands up and shrugs on his leather jacket. Kyungsoo glances around as he reaches the other. "Where did Joonmyun go?", he asks and Kai grins instead. Kyungsoo can't find diamonds in his eyes anymore and he watches as Kai reaches for the other's coat. "I'll drive you home. Joonmyun got an urgent call and had to go", Kai lies as Kyungsoo grabs his coat and drapes it on himself. "Okay", is the only thing Kyungsoo says before they exit the restaurant. 

They arrive at Kyungsoo's apartment building's parking lot and it's only 7 pm. Kai's car comes to a stop and the engine goes silent. It's awkward as Kyungsoo turns to look at Kai. Obviously something happened, Kyungsoo doesn't doubt it. Kai's staring blankly forward, fingers clasping the wheel. The time ticks and Kyungsoo doesn't want to go yet, as horrifying as it sounds. He wants to swim in diamonds longer, wants to listen Kai like he hasn't heard him ever before. It's frustrating, the silence. 

"Should we go inside?", Kyungsoo asks and Kai blinks, as if woken up from a dream. He turns to look at Kyungsoo and grins. "Now you do want me around?", he asks but the usual quirkiness is void of the sentence and Kyungsoo barely scoffs, looking away. Everything feels wrong and he isn't sure which is more painful, him avoiding Kai or clinging onto him. "Did something happen?", Kyungsoo asks silently, not wanting to face Kai. He's unsure whether he should have asked the question, whether he was getting too personal and only pushing Kai away. All he got as an answer was silence and Kyungsoo already regretted it when suddenly Kai opened the car's door. "Let's go", he says and the door closes harshly. Kyungsoo exits the car as well and Kai drags him inside the building. 

His apartment was exactly the same as how he had left it. Why should it be any different, really? Kyungsoo hangs his coat from the coat rack and removes his shoes as he walks inside, turning on lights and welcoming Kai inside. He doesn't expect Kai to grab him when he's halfway to the kitchen and collide his lips against Kyungsoo's. It's a whirlwind of emotions that tumble inside Kyungsoo. His back meets up with a cold wall as Kai pushes him backwards and he can finally breathe as Kai's lips travel south, down to his neck, sucking on his skin. 

But the thing is, Kyungsoo doesn't want this. Kyungsoo doesn't want hot, tipsy sex. He doesn't want horny Kai jumping on him, whenever they're alone like he's allowed to do so. Like Kyungsoo didn't matter. He wanted Kai to sit down on his sofa and he wanted to slowly melt under the other's arm. He wanted to trace his fingers along the other's side, cold fingers against tan skin. He wanted to kiss the other's ear, slowly tease him. He didn't want this rushed mess of a relationship that was between them. He didn't want his feelings alone, he also wanted Kai's. He didn't want to only hear his own heart beating roughly against his ribcage. He wanted to hear Kai's as well. 

So instead of locking his arms around Kai's neck and screaming out 'Kim Jongin', he pushes the other away from him, feeling frustrated and angry and sad. Kai's out of breath and when he faces Kyungsoo in confusion and sees the hurt in Kyungsoo's face something crashes. Maybe it's Kyungsoo's heart? 

"You know fucking what?", Kyungsoo's eyes water with tears and Kai's eyebrows are furrowed, like the first time they saw each other. It makes Kyungsoo regret for not staying away, for not stopping himself. He regrets ever fucking taking one glance at this man. Then again, would he have been able to avoid a desire like Kai? He almost blames himself. 

"It sucks that out of seven billion smiles and seven billion laughs I had to fall for yours", Kyungsoo recognizes hurt in Kai's eyes and something in his throat almost makes him fucking hyperventilate. How does something as stupid as love hurt so much? He can't even see anymore from the tears and he buries his face in his hands, trying to protect himself from the other's gaze. It's stupid, Kyungsoo realizes as he slides down the wall. He's stupid. He knew it from day one that Kai would only bring heartbreak. He stops sobs from sounding and bites tightly into his lower lip to stop himself. It's quiet, if you don't count in the occasional whimpering from Kyungsoo. It's all his fault, he fucking knew better. 

Kai's furious and the words just sputter out even if he doesn't want to. Kyungsoo's tears are still running down but the sobbing has stopped and he's now looking up at Kai. "It's all fucking fun and games until someone falls in love", Kai yells, frustrated at himself, and is reminded of his father hitting his mother right in front of him. "Until you're so god damn in love that it doesn't even matter anymore how much you get hurt!", he continues and doesn't understand how someone can just stand there, getting hurt without trying to do anything about it. His head hurts and he can't believe he's crying. "Love is so god damn stupid, who wants to feel so involved in a person that you completely forget how much you're actually worth and worship some stupid ass fucktard who doesn't even fucking love you back. It's frustrating! Stop it!", he yells and collapses on the couch as his legs can't hold him up anymore. He sits there and stares at the floor. He can't stop the tears and the apartment settles in a tense silence. 

"Look, I'm sorry", Kai whispers into the silence and doesn't want to face Kyungsoo's who's sitting right opposite him, eyes red and hair a mess. "I'm so used to using people that I can't even remember what being on the hurting end means", he tells and Kyungsoo sniffs loudly. Kai was afraid of the heartbeat in his ears. Kai was afraid of wanting to make this all alright somehow. 

Kyungsoo stands up, Kai can hear it, and soon someone shuffles in front of him and his eyes stare at a stomach, tears still present. Kyungsoo pushes Kai against the backrest of the couch and settles on sitting on Kai's lap. Their eyes meet, both red and unsure. Kyungsoo slowly lower his lips against Kai's and instead of teeth clashing and biting and noses colliding their lips are soft and gentle and Kai doesn't expect to feel comfort. Kyungsoo's fingers resting on the back of Kai's neck feel like electricity, sparking him up to life.  

He finds his hands traveling to Kyungsoo's hips and find home there, pulling him closer and closer until Kyungsoo's figure feels like fire against him. Kai is the first to break free from the kiss, and instead of attacking some other part of Kyungsoo's gorgeous body he settles his face in the crook of Kyungsoo's neck and just stays there, Kyungsoo's fingers tracing the tattoos on Kai's neck and arms. When Kyungsoo leans in to kiss Kai's earlobe and then right behind his ear, Kai straightens up and settles his arms better around Kyungsoo, supporting him up as he stands up. Kyungsoo's legs link behind his back and the other's thighs feel like magic around him. Kai turns around and settles the other on his back on the couch again. Kyungsoo's eyes are wide open as Kai sends shivers down his spine with the kisses all over his body. Kai feels like Heaven, and he keeps his feet locked around the other's waist as soft moans run free from his mouth.  

Kyungsoo recalls being taught that 'you and me' isn't correct in English class. He's reminded of it when Kai's lips feel so sinfully good against his skin and Kyungsoo tastes cigarettes and other people. A spot in his neck blooms in a shade of purple and fingers travel over his pale body in pure ecstasy. His mind is clouded with pictures of Kai, his tattoos swirling around against his tan skin and as he looks up he's met up with the very picture of something he would define as perfect. He realizes a little too late that 'you and me' is more than a grammatical error. But he settles his fingers in Kai's hair anyway. 

It's 5 am and Kyungsoo can't sleep. Judging from the tossing and turning from Kai, he can't either. He closes his eyes desperately but all he gets is more words jumping up and down his brain. He sighs and turns around to face Kai's back.  

"My favorite flowers are daisies", he whispers and Kai freezes, before twisting his neck to look at Kyungsoo in the dark. Kyungsoo focuses his gaze in his fingers that he's clamped in front of his face. "They remind me of my mother. She loved daisies to the point she started resembling them. She was so pure and innocent, with a vibrant heart. She could talk to me about the nature for hours, but I never had the patience to listen, the child I was", he says now louder and Kai turns around completely, not saying a word. Kyungsoo doesn't know why he's doing this and he feels kinda stupid, but he judges from the breakdown Kai had earlier that he'd like to listen. 

"I murdered her", Kyungsoo whispers and Kai tenses up.  "I should've been the one to die but she protected me with her body, like the pure daisy she was", he explains and Kai's fingers reach Kyungsoo's. He starts playing with them and Kyungsoo finds it oddly comforting. The silence falls between them and then Kyungsoo thinks of something and looks up at Kai.  

"You know, I've always preferred rainfall over sunshine. Maybe that's why I'd always choose you over others", he tells and they end up kissing as the morning sun filters through the window.