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The bed became cold. Firefly’s eyes fluttered open to darkness and a murky shape that hovered above her.
“It’s still early, my love.” A tender hand pressed against Firefly’s cheek and caressed her. She nuzzled against the hand, thankful for the relief, “you’re still freezing. Get some more rest.”
Firefly murmured, “don’t go…”. She put her hand on top of Stelle’s hand, and felt Stelle shiver from the touch.
Stelle felt a pang of guilt at her heart, “I’m sorry I have work today.” She brought her face close to Firefly and kissed her forehead, then her nose and finally their lips met. Stelle’s lips were a flame against Firefly’s. Stelle would always give her what she needed. She warmed up the cold spots that lay within her heart, helped her grasp at life.
Stelle whispered, “I’ll be back soon, promise. If you start to feel worse or you need me, make sure to call.” Stelle took Firefly’s hand into hers and squeezed, “I’ll drop everything and come back.”
Firefly would usually tell Stelle not to worry so much about her or trouble herself, but for today she relented. “Okay, I love you,” She said. A sleepy smile formed on her face as she tried her best to memorize the grooves and feeling of Stelle’s hand.
“I love you too, and make sure to stay warm,” Stelle give her another quick kiss on the head and got up. She pilled up blankets and pillows on top of Firefly, making her feel safe and cared for. She felt comfortable again and could feel sleep begin to pull at her as the world around her started to fade.
Once again that morning Firefly’s eyes opened. Another awakening. She looked to her side, ‘where has Stelle gone?’ It took a minute of processing before she remembered Stelle had work today and a bit more to remember waking up before. The crisp air of the morning drifted across her face and she shivered, ‘it’s too cold.” Her body felt heavy and her mind was foggy. It was hard to focus on any singular thought and even harder to summon a reason to get out of bed. She stared at the faint starlight above her and hoped somehow that she’d get the energy to start the day.
On the night she moved into Stelle’s apartment; she offhandedly remarked that the ceiling reminded her of the hospital’s, white and sterile. The next day Stelle bought some glow in the dark star and planet stickers and stood on the bed to stick them on the ceiling, “their personal universe” as Stelle called it. Stelle was the one who attached them all due to her being a bit taller than Firefly, and Stelle would not let her jump on the bed to reach the ceiling, citing that she could fall and hurt herself. After all of the stickers were attached, they laid on the bed and admired the luminous stars while holding hands. It was then a thought came to Firefly, one that she wasn’t sure she should mention, but she did anyways.
“Um… will the stickers happen to cause any damages to the ceiling?”
Stelle was quiet for a moment. Then grinned sheepishly, “it feels more like home now.”
The apartment felt almost vacant before Firefly. Stelle trudged home from work just to sleep and eat some cheap frozen meals or leftovers. Since she moved into Stelle’s apartment it became full of life: well used soup cookbooks, all of Firefly’s favorite Robin songs on cd (and vinyl), a small garden that Firefly diligently took care of everyday, and even a cat they both adored. And a abundance of memories, both joyful and sad.
She was right, it did feel like home.
After laying around for a while, Firefly finally gained the inertia to get up. Her legs stretched out but were stopped by a soft barrier. She wriggled around and felt blankets wrapped around her, like a wrap of sorts.
“I can’t move.” Firefly giggled, “Stelle you went a little overboard.”
Finally after some struggle Firefly escaped out of the blankets and took a step out of bed. Too quick. Her legs started to wobble, static crept from the corners of her vision, and she felt her breathing quicken. The bedroom stretched out in front of her as if she was viewing it from a screen. She could feel herself everywhere, from the dust on the shelf to the fogged up windows. The dread started to sink in, it felt if Firefly took one more step she would fall through the cracks, her body would seep into the wood beneath her, into the foundation of the apartment, and through soil to the core of the star. On and on until she reached the fabric of existence. Her being would join with the universe and she would wake up from this beautiful dream. It will happen.
But not today.
Firefly fell back onto the bed, gasped for air she desperately needed; her voice trembled as she forced the words out.
“I’m home.”
“I’m here.”
“I’m alive.”
Over and over again, until she felt the bedroom come back to focus, until her body felt in tune with reality. She focused on her mind on the chant like a prayer with all her heart.
Entropy Loss Syndrome is its name. There was no cure for it so far. No matter how much Stelle and Firefly sought for it. It could only be delayed, so she dreamed for a cure for it happen one day. A way for her to live life at the same speed as others, to not feel like she was fading away.
‘I guess I’m still not back to normal, well, normal for me.’ Firefly’s stomach growled, reminding her that she slept in later than usual today, and her attack took even more time from the morning. She sat up, gingerly putting weight on one foot then the other, much slower this time. The warm blanket she wrapped around herself felt nice against the cold air of the room. Steady steps breathing in then out, it still made her a little dizzy, but she thought hopefully it would be better after eating.
Stelle’s apartment wasn’t very big, which was something Firefly was thankful for. Making it to the kitchen in this state would be hard but luckily it was just a door and couple of steps ahead, so she opened the door and stumbled into the kitchen. The familiar aroma of coffee was in the air and there was a pink note on the small table in front of her.
“Hope you feel better today. I left coffee for you again (sorry about the taste it might be a little burned now), and I left some breakfast for you in the fridge,” there was also some crudely drawn hearts and what appeared to be a picture of a cat. Firefly smiled as she read the letter, and appreciated how considerate Stelle was. The chill from the fridge made her shiver, and she grabbed a mason jar full of oatmeal that Stelle prepared for her. Also she made sure to grab the creamer for her coffee.
The sound of the coffee being poured into her cup always made her feel at peace, as the creamer slowly dissolved into the coffee and turned it into a milky hazel. She sat down on the couch with her coffee and oatmeal and covered her self with the blanket. Firefly sipped the coffee slowly and appreciated how cozy it made her feel. It’s not like she drank coffee for its stimulating effects, rather it mostly became a habit she enjoyed. In comparison, Stelle seemed to run on coffee; she felt like it was needed to get her going in the morning and deal with the little sleep she got when work was hectic. The oatmeal was creamy and sweet with all her favorite toppings: cinnamon, some cut up apples and nuts. Thankfully it was easy for her to eat, not too heavy and it made her feel healthier. As she enjoyed her meal, she felt something flump onto her lap.
“Hi there, Sam,” Firefly caressed his silver fur as the cat purred into her hand. “I’m guessing Stelle fed you already since you’re not being grumpy. That was nice of her don’t you think?” Sadly for some reason Sam wasn’t as friendly to Stelle, sometimes he would let her pat him or play with him but most other times he just ignored her and stayed close to Firefly.
“It’s because you spoil him too much,” Stelle pouted, frustrated that Sam wouldn’t settle down onto her own lap.
“I think you spoil him more though…” Firefly giggled, she remembered the times Stelle would bring home some new toy for Sam just for him to ignore her, or how she had to lecture Stelle about not giving him so many treats as he was starting to become more and more rotund over time.
“Then why doesn’t he let me cuddle with him?” Stelle looked dejected and hung her head.
Firefly smiled sadly and thought for a second, “how about you cuddle me so it’s like you’re cuddling him too.”
Stelle thought it was the most brilliant idea that was ever conceived, so she wrapped her arms around Firefly as Sam sat in her lap. Firefly leaned into the embrace enjoying the feeling of her lover.
“This was a great idea,” Stelle said.
Firefly hummed in agreement. She wished she would never be woken from this dream.
After Firefly finished her breakfast and coffee she sunk into the couch and appreciated how much eating helped her recover from earlier. Sun rays cut through the window and landed on her and Sam, it was her and Sam’s favorite place to sunbathe and warm up.
Her phone buzzed from the other room and she got up to retrieve it. Thankfully, walking was easier now and the sun was starting to warm the apartment. The phone displayed a text from Stelle checking in on how Firefly was doing, for a second Firefly thought about lying, that she felt fine this morning and didn't have her attack. It wasn’t easy to fight that urge, to not worry Stelle, Firefly didn’t feel worth it. However she promised Stelle that she wouldn’t hide her pain anymore.
“I had a bit of a attack, but I feel better now (thanks for the oatmeal it helped),” Firefly typed and sent a sticker of a chibi Firefly sighing.
After almost exactly a second, Stelle’s response arrived.
“I’ll come home early today.”
“Don’t worry I’m ahead on my work,” next to the text was a cute sticker of a bunny making a heart with its ears. Firefly sighed and felt guilt she’s been attempting to get used to. 'Though, it will be nice to see her soon,' she thought.
Firefly plopped back onto the couch and turned on the TV, and started streaming a show about baking. She enjoyed the show, though she didn’t learn much from it; it was calming to watch and it let her mind wander. The idle chatter from the show drifted around her, the blanket and Sam weighed comfortably on her, slowly lulling her to another slumber.
Firefly rarely dreamed, when she slept she felt the feeling of drifting off to sleep, and then darkness. When she would open up her eyes again it would be morning as if time passed in an instant, however, she always felt as if she was missing something. Other people would be comforted by kind dreams or terrified by nightmares. She wanted the ability to dream, both the comfort and the terror.
From her slumber she could feel something shifting the couch, and her body leaning onto something. Her eyes opened and she could see Stelle next to her.
“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Stelle whispered quietly.
“You did,” Firefly nuzzled her face into Stelle’s shoulder. “It’s okay, waking up to you is nice.” Firefly snaked her arm around Stelle’s waist, pulled her in as close as she could. She held on to Stelle and felt as if she never wanted to let go. Stelle smiled and put her arm around Firefly, “you feel warmer than this morning.” Firefly made a content hum, being held like this made her feel safe again.
Stelle stared at Firefly, studying her quietly. in a hushed tone Stelle said, “are you okay from earlier?”
“I was alrigh-” Firefly pulled her face from Stelle’s shoulder, “It was a little scary.” She looked away at the ground.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there.” Stelle caressed Firefly’s back, the way she often did when Firefly was feeling ill.
“I’m okay now,” she said settling back into Stelle’s embrace.
“Are you feeling hungry? I can make that soup you like.”
Firefly thought for a second then decided, “I’m hungry.”
“Okay, I’ll get started on it then.” Stelle attempted to get up from the couch but Firefly’s arms were wrapped around her waist.
“Umm, Firefly I can’t get up.”
Firefly pouted, “not yet… Just a little longer.”
“I thought you were hungry,” Stelle laughed.
“I am.” Firefly seemed to hold on even tighter, “this is just payback for this morning.”
Stelle ran through her memories of everything she did that morning to no avail.
“W-What did I do?” She looked at Firefly with a confused expression.
“Shh.” Firefly kissed Stelle softly and buried her face into Stelle’s chest. “Just a bit longer.”
“Please.”
Stelle held her close. As tightly as Firefly held her.
“Always.”