Chapter Text
When Will Byers realised, it felt like a thousand stabs into the gut. He felt like he was 13 years old again when he realised he was in love with his best friend. Only worse. Not because he just realised he had to die to save everyone he loves. But because he should have realised sooner. He should have realised the truth that was dangling in front of his face.
When Will Byers realised he knew it would be for the better. When he realised sat in a meeting that felt like for the millionth time, he knew it would be for the better. But it seemed everyone else was in denial. It seemed like no one would let themselves believe that if they wanted to live, then he, Will Byers, would have to die first. And so what? It’s not like Will is anything special. He doesn't have superpowers. He hasn't killed interdimensional monsters with his bare hands. He hasn't done anything important in his life other than be an inconvenience to others. He was the reason why the upside down first started to merge into Hawkins. If it wasn't for him, so many people would still be living. But he could change that. He could be the reason why so many people lived.
On a random Tuesday, sat on a battered up couch in Hopper's “new and improved” cabin, with his sister on one side of him and the boy who he is in love with on his other. He doesn't know how he always ends up in the middle of them. In their relationship, in their lives. But, he supposes, he put himself there, by falling in love with his best friend in the first place. Will Byers realised what had to be done, he finally realised the truth he should have realised years ago. It started with Will. it will end with Will. It's not the first time Nancy has brought up the diary, the diary she found while exploring the upside down. When she found out that the upside down is stuck in 1983. November 6th 1983. The day Will went missing. The day the gate opened. He has heard this a hundred times. The first time felt the worse. He felt nauseous. He left early and threw up outside the cabin. Of course Mike had to come outside. Of course Mike had to comfort him when he found Will, propped up on the wooden wall, tears slipping down his cheeks and his throat burning. And of course Will Byers fell a bit more in love with the boy. When Nancy started retelling the tale of the godforsaken diary, he should have felt the same feelings, which he did, as soon as the words “November 6th” came out her stained lips, it felt like his gut did a full 360 and righted itself again. The same feeling happens everytime Nancy or someone mentions the upside down being stuck in November 6th 1983. Only this time, he feels something else click into place. It felt like a jigsaw puzzle finally falling into place.
He finally knew what had to be done. He finally knew how to defeat Henry and all that came with him. It was him. It was Will Byers who would have to go down to close all the gates that have left massive gaping holes in Hawkins. Overwhelmed, was the only way to put a name to all his emotions he was feeling in that moment, squished between El and Mike, with Mike's knee touching his and the contact being too much to ignore. It was at that moment, whilst Nancy continued to pace and talk, as Mike's knee continued to engrave itself into Will's skin, as Els head hit his shoulder softly as she started to drift to sleep. It was in that moment that Will Byers realised what he would have to do. Something he has thought about committing thousands of times before. Something he has evident scars on his arms from. Something he knows will be for the better.
—
Will Byers lays fully wide awake, the moon's light spills in through the crack in the curtains, lighting up the framed pictures of Mike on El’s drawers. Will Byers stares at the way Mike smiles, and smiles along with him. Will Byers lays fully wide awake, on the blow up mattress on the floor of El’s room. He can hear her soft snores from behind him. He lays wide awake. Reminiscing on the realisation he has only realised mere hours ago.
He needs to die to save everyone else. He tries to tell himself no one will miss him. But he knows that's not true. He thinks of his mom and Jonathan. How it would affect them after they find out, after they possibly find him, dead. How it affected them when they thought he was dead, he doesn't know how they would react when it's for real this time. He doesn't want to be an inconvenience in their lives, one that would be ever-present if one of them were to find him that way. Dead. from his own hands. He wouldn't want his mom or Jonathan to blame themselves for his death. His mom was the best mom he could have ever asked for, she would climb mountains just to make sure Will was safe. And Jonathan was the best brother, he was always there for him and promised that nothing will ever change that. The two of them were the only family he needed. The thought of leaving them, forever. Was almost enough to convince him not to go through with his plan. He would debate with himself whether or not he is making the right choice, leaving his most favourite people in the world until it's his time to go. But he needs to do this. If not, his most favourite people will die. And he will do everything in his power to make sure that does not happen. Even if it's killing himself.
He doesn't want anyone to blame themselves for his death. He knows it will affect the party, but it's for the better. As Will Byers lays in the blow up mattress on his sister's floor,the floor he will only be sleeping on for a few more days if his plan goes as planned. It's then, as he lays on the floor, staring at the framed picture of Mike, smiling and looking like a teenager his age should, that Will Byers concludes that he should write everyone a goodbye. Explaining that it's no one's fault, that it's for their own good. That its for the better. He will write the whole party individual letters. Lucas, Dustin, Eleven, Max and Mike. he knows writing Mikes will be the hardest. He already knows what the words would say. Even thinking about it makes his eyes sting. He will write his mom and Jonathan letters as well. Maybe even hopper. He's been acting more and more as a father figure to Will lately, ever since him and his mom have gotten together. He thinks if he actually opened up to Hopper, he might even feel like a proper father to him.
Will Byers falls into a fitful sleep thinking about if he will feel at peace when he finally goes.
—
The next day it sinks in. Will Byers is going to be dead soon. He hopes he will be free from all his worries and fears. He hopes it wouldn't hurt. And most of all, he hopes he’s right. He hopes once he's dead, the gates can be fully closed. He has finally realised why Henry didn't kill him in the first place, back in 1983, back in 1984. It's because he needed him. He needed him alive for his plan to work. To reshape the world. He just hopes that once he is gone, then Henry and the upside down will be too.
Early on, once the party was back together, well mostly, Max was and still is in a comatose state. They realised that to close the gates and get rid of the upside down completely, all connections had to be broken. And Will was one of the main connections Henry has to the outside world. But it seemed the party all decided to completely deflect on reality. Will Byers has to die for the upside down to be fully gone. For them to be safe. So Will has to take matters into his own hands. It's not like it's the first time Will has thought about killing himself. His arms are evidence to that. His life since 1983 has only started to continuously decrease drastically. Thanks to Henry deciding to choose Will as his spy. Even before that, he has felt like an outsider his whole life. Always being bullied by Troy, hes always been known as the “fag of Hawkins” even by his dad. Growing up with his mom and dad always fighting, witnessing the abuse. Being at the end of the hand to the abuse, Has and always will be a big cause to his trauma, aside from the upside down. He hopes that once he's gone, everything his father has ever done to him will be left behind in this life and he will be put to peace from it all.
As Will Byers takes a walk around the remains of Hawkins, for possibly the last time. Passing the arcade, what's last of Benny's diner, Hawkins high. It all feels too much. Feels too real, what he's going to do feels too real. It is when he passes the old playground, just past Hawkins middle. That's when it feels like his heart fully stopped. The playground. Where he met mike. “It was the best thing i ever done” the blurry and severed memory from 1984 replays in Will’s mind. Then the more recent memory replays, making the soft spark that flared in his chest thinking about how Mike cared so much, died down immediately. “I feel like my life started that day we found you in the woods”. Hearing Mike say that aloud, hurt more than Will would ever admit. His life started the day he went missing. The day he found El. the day Will's life ended. And his started. It shouldn't hurt as bad as it did. She is his girlfriend for god sakes! He hopes once he is gone, the hurt, the pain, the ever-present jealousy for his own sister, will finally be gone. He will finally be gone.
Tears prick his eyes as he walks past the playground. Will decides that he can't take passing the swing set, not now. Maybe never. He turns on his feet, going the way he came. He pushes himself to walk. Feeling like he could just wrap his arms around his legs and just give up.
Walking back towards Hopper's cabin felt like a blur, and before he knew it, he was passing Hawkins high again. Will has come up with the conclusion that he has the worst luck. As in passing. He spots Dustin walking out of the doors. The hellfire shirt he seems to never take off, his hair grown out to his shoulders. He's been doing better than he was after Eddie died. Will never met him before his death, but from what he heard, he seemed great. Dustin always would say that Eddie would have loved Will. Will sometimes wishes he did meet him. When he found out about Mike joining another party after promising not to, it did hurt. A lot. But that just shows how selfish Will is. Mikes allowed cool new friends to play DND outside of the party. But it still hurts.
As soon as Will saw Dustin, his mind went onto autopilot and he immediately started to glance around for, a bush maybe? That he could jump into. Or maybe a cliff, he could just jump off of and end it all now. Anything to avoid the interaction, he doesn't know why he feels like this, especially with Dustin. But, He realsies, he feels guilty, guilty about what he's going to do, how he knows it will affect everyone around him. But it's for the better. And he hopes they will know that too. It seems as if his whole mind and body has been working in autopilot for years now. He hasn't felt anything other than pain and hurt to the point when he just blocks it out since the feeling has become second nature.
As soon as Dustin makes eye contact with Will he knows there is nowhere to run or hide. The way his smile immediately widens and brightens, making Will feel more guilty. He smiles the best he can, trying to make it as real as he can. Dustin comes charging over, his normal ‘Dustin energy’ immediately radiating over him. Making Wills smile widen, for what felt like forever since he has smiled like that to another human being.
“William! My man! My guy!” Dustin exclaims as he immediately pulls Will into his arms, crushing him with his chest. “What are you doing here? Here to help out there? We always need any help we can get” Dustin smiles widens, the signature Dustin smile that feels contagious, even when Will feels like he's contagious.
“I-I well—” Will stutters, his guilt returns, he didn't even consider going in to help the people who desperately need help. Thinking about it, Will might be one of them. But he supposes, he’s saving everyone in Hawkins by killing himself. “I was just wandering around…but if you need the help…?”
Dustin smiles widens impossibly as his curls bounce with his little jumps he does as he excitedly says “great! We always need help here. Anything you wanna do or anything you particularly really don't?” Dustin rambles as he pulls Will inside, and Will can’t help the smile that widens on his face; he feels like he hasn't seen Dustin in ages, or even spoken to him in ages. He feels like he needs this. Needs to feel something other than the pain and hurt that seems to be his whole being now.
“Just anywhere I can help,” Will tries to say just as enthusiastically as Dustin did, but it seems like he didn’t try hard enough, because Dustin gives him a sceptical look.
“You were just wandering around?...” Dustin says, raising a questioning eyebrow, making Will feel like all his secrets and desires are on the tip of his tongue, wanting to spill. But he keeps them locked away. Dustin doesn't deserve to hear all of Will's distress, doesn't want to put the pressure of it all on him. It's too much for himself, he doesn't want Dustin's pity or reassurance. He also doesn't want Dustin to worry. After everything with Eddie, Will's problems are the least of his worries he should hear.
“Yeah– i guess i just needed to clear my head.” Will says, even though there was no head clearing on his ‘wander’ and only head blurring.
“Clear your head?” Dustin says sceptically as they walk through the doors of Hawkins high, the scepticallism in Dustin's voice makes Will worry that he was being too obvious about his feelings and everything going on. “Are you sure you’ve been feeling okay–” it seemed like fate. As soon as they walk into the gym of Hawkins high, the atmosphere immediately changes, the silence of their walk through the car park, immediately was shattered by the loud voices echoing throughout the gym. Will could not have been happier to hear the loud shouts of teenagers. Then as Dustin was about to finish his sentence, his words made Will's worries grow and he could even feel sweat drip from his head. Dustin was cut off by a loud, booming voice echoing the loudest over everyone else's voices, causing the whole gym to suddenly go silent. The voice being no other than Steve Harrington. Dustin's head immediately snaps in the direction where Steve was now waltzing over to the two of them, all hair and confidence. Dustin's demeanour completely changed once he saw Steve, but Will could tell he was still worried. He takes a worried look at Will, then his head goes back towards Steve, to Will it looks like a big cluster of curls flying around Dustin's head.
Will lets himself take a clearing sigh of relief once Steve approaches the two of them. He tries to put on the best “everything is fine and definitely not wrong with me!” look. But even Steve made him feel guilty as he approached. He never really communicated with the guy, but he seems like a big part of Dustin's life. It makes him feel like a bad friend, the immense guilt that washes over him as he sees Dustin with Steve, thinking how he has never seen him around the older boy.
As Steve stops in front of the two, hands on his hips, looking at Dustin like a mother would. He takes a glance over at Will, a head tilt in acknowledgment. That's all Will thought the greeting would be since he's never actually bonded with the guy. But then after scolding Dustin over something that Will didn't even hear. Steve's head turns towards him and before he knows it he's come back to reality and Steve is speaking.
“Mini Byers.” he says rather awkwardly as he places a soft punch to the shoulder, probably going for nonchalant but being far, far away from it. Will glances down at his shoulder then back up at Steve and gives his eyebrow a lift in response to the weird interaction. “How's it going? Don't think I've seen you out of the cabin since the last meeting.”
Will raises both eyebrows as the interaction gets even weirder, somehow. He glances over at Dustin but he seems to be distracted by talking to a random girl with orange hair, possibly the same age as Steve. She has such a bright smile and blue eyes that hold nothing but cheerfulness. How is it fair that he feels absolutely nothing and so much at the same time and then there's her who is older than him and looks like she could make Henry break a smile if she only just looked at him. When he pulls his gaze away from the care-free girl and looks at Steve, he realises he hasn't answered him, and it would look extremely suspicious if he didn't even reply to the older boy.
“Yeah! –yeah. Everything's good. Fine. great even.” he rambles, not knowing what he's saying, or why. He smiles awkwardly just to push his point over the edge and falls off the cliff into the pool of ‘you are so obvious about how sad you are’. He cringes at himself whilst Steve's eyebrows both raise.
“Uh– that's–that's great? Or is it..?” Steve babbles as he tries to find the right words. As soon as Steve starts the next sentence, Will is quick to shut him down, probably too quickly and too loudly for it to be considered ‘normal human being behaviour’.
“Yes! Everything is great.” Will exclaims. Throwing himself off the cliff along with his words into the pool of ‘obviousness’. Steve just nods and looks at him sceptically. It seems that everyone is looking at him like that lately. It feels like there is big bold letters scrolled across his forehead saying “im going to kill myself soon!”. He hopes not. He didn't actually look in the mirror at all once he awoke in the early afternoon. He probably looks like a wreck. He imagines he has obvious dark circles under his eyes and imagines he looks thinner. He can't actually remember when he last ate…last night? wasn’t it something his mom made? Meatloaf? lasagna? He doesn't feel hungry. So it must have been last night. He must have just forgotten like most things that occur in his life lately.
“O-kay.” Steve says awkwardly as Will cringes at himself once again. This is why he hasn't left the cabin. Human interaction was not on his list of things to occur on his ‘wander’. Steve gives Will an awkward head nod and turns back to Dustin, where he is now looking between the two of them with a confused look twisted on his face. The ginger haired girl that looked like the world didn't stand a chance against her, was now gone. Will wishes he could be as care-free as her, craves it, even. He would rather that than not feel anything at all, or maybe he feels all too much at the same time.
The awkward silence that follows is deafening. It Settles like dust around them, one small movement will bring it up in the air once again. The awkward silence settles in Will's bones, digging itself into his skin, until he can feel it moving under his skin. Maybe Will doesn't feel anything at all. Maybe he feels everything twice fold. Feels too much. Maybe he’s too sensitive. Just like his father used to say. Like the bullies used to say. He hopes when he’s finally gone he won't be anymore, he hopes he will be free from everything he feels.
He can feel the thickness of the silence, it makes Will’s shift in place, shifting his weight from one foot to the other on the shining wooden floor of Hawkins high gym. Looking around, there are tables piled high with donated clothes. There’s people sitting in chairs who have been affected by the fall of Hawkins. It's only been 3 months since Henry ripped through the earth. And it seems there are still people struggling. Maybe he's one of them. He won't be struggling soon though, or so he tells himself. He doesn't know what will happen to him once he is dead. He wonders if god or whoever is up there screwing up Will’s life will screw with him even more and make him haunt someone like Mike. That would be hell. He would rather go to hell than have to witness Mike grow up, long to be there with him. He doesn't think he’ll be able to forgive himself if he had to witness how much his death will affect people, which he knows it will. He knows people care for him. The guilt of causing the pain and suffering will eat him alive until he takes his last breath. He just hopes that they will understand that it's for the better. He hopes the words he will write out for everyone will take some of that pain he will cause away.
For once he wants to be the hero, longs for it. He doesn't want to be the one needing saving once again. Will Byers has always been the one who needed saving, he has never been the one doing the saving. And hopefully, his death will prevent anyone from needing saving again from Henry or the upside down, and for once, he will be the one who saved them all. He doesn't know when Henry will strike again. He has been in hiding for the past 3 months, it could be anytime now that he decides to strike again, but hopefully Will gets there first. He will get there first. He just hopes that Henry hasn't been reading his mind lately, hoping he doesn't know his plan. Or worse, he hopes El hasn't been evading his mind, that would be worse. She would probably tell Hopper, who will tell his mom, who will go crazy and stop him from going near anything sharp for months. The thought, surprisingly, is warm, thinking about how much his mom will do just to make sure he's safe. It's his turn now to make sure she, and everyone he loves and cares about is safe.
Will must have gotten lost in his head once again, because he comes back to reality when Dustin's palm is flashing in front of his face. He blinks quickly and takes a step back, the flailing of limbs all of the sudden surprising him. Dustin looks at Will worryingly, his eyebrows creasing as he frowns from in front of him. The expression adds more guilt to the already high pile in his stomach. Will smiles sheepishly, as best as he can. As he looks at Dustin, he averts his gaze from Dustin's worrisome one and darts his eyes around the loud gym.
He looks back at Dustin and says, trying to change the subject, hoping Dustin will let it go. “So…what is needing assistance?” he asks, trying his best to put on a work-ready smile, even though, in that moment he would rather be curled up in his bed, giving up on life and everything that comes with it, Than dealing with real human interaction.
Dustin's worry disappears in a flash. Something he has always done since a child, go from one subject to another without another thought. Dustin smiles his signature Dustin smile and starts pulling Will more into the gym. He realsies then, that Steve must have wandered off whilst he was lost in his mind moments ago, since he is now nowhere to be seen. “Well my friend. I have the perfect job for you,” Dustin says cheerfully, pulling Will by the sleeve, weaving them both through the tables and people. “You know how to make PB and J sandwiches right?”
—
That is how Will Byers ends up standing behind a table smearing jam and peanut butter onto bread. It's not a job he would have chosen particularly, but he's not complaining. Actually, he finds it rather calming. He's standing behind the table on his own, just smearing the jam and peanut butter on the bread. It lets his mind take a break and focus on something. He hasn't been able to actually focus on something outside of painting, so he finds making the sandwiches rather peaceful. Surprisingly, doing the smallest bit to help others around him feels good. It fills his heart with something he hasn't felt in a long time, when someone comes up and takes one of the sandwich he made, sends him a polite smile and says thank you, it makes his heart swell with pride knowing he's actually helping someone who needs it, just by smearing some cheap store-bought spreads on some bread. He hopes, when he finally saves everyone, when he finally does something useful with his life, even if it is ending it, he will be able to stay and float in that feeling.
Will gets startled out of his thoughts where he ended up floating off into space once again. He’s realised, lately he's been more easily frightened, always jumping at the smallest touch or loud noises. It must be his body's way of knowing that it's going to die soon. Preparing itself. Maybe it doesn't know when it will happen. Maybe Will doesn't know when it will happen either. Maybe any contact made scares him because his mind and body knows there's a potential threat just waiting to happen. And it’s himself.
The voice makes Wills heart beat faster, booming in his ears. “You will not believe what happened today–” Will turns around and the girl who just walked in, with a jar of peanut butter in one hand and jam in the other, stopped in her tracks. He recognizes her as one of Steve's friends, robin? Like the bird? He has noticed her at the meetings regularly, he wonders how she got herself involved with everything. He feels sorry for her, she only looks a few years older than him. She doesn't need all of this happening to her as she plans for her future. “Oh– sorry you’re not Vickie– she's the one who normally- usually helps along with me– not saying I don't want you here! The more the merrier! I’m Glad you’re here to help.” Robin rambled, the action reminded Will of Mike all too well. The way the both of them when they rambled look like the words are just tumbling out without being processed.
Will smiles without realising, maybe it is because Mike always somehow managed to creep into his head and make it clearer somehow. Always managed to make him smile. “No-no it's fine. Glad to be of service.” Will says, trying to smile up at robin, it's a lot harder when the person he’s smiling at isn't the person who can only make him these days, and that person couldn't care less about Will. the thought makes the warm and fuzzy feeling vanish, replaced with, dread maybe? He’s not sure about his feelings anymore, especially when it came to Mike. he feels all sorts of emotions when it came to Michael Wheeler. Some he wished he didn’t.
Robin smiled, coming over and standing aside Will, placing the jars down with a slam, which, unsurprisingly, made Will startle. He fears Robin notices, but other than a sideways glance, she doesn't mention it. Which makes Will's nerve settle momentarily. “So you will never guess what Steve the “hair” Harrington did today,” Robin states loudly, out of the blue. Wills head snaps to her direction, where she is fumbling with the jars of spreads. It seems the words are just tumbling right out of her mouth. Will didn’t expect Robin to tell him what she was going to tell this apparent “Vickie” but it seems that she is, as the words continue to fall right off her tongue like she didn't even think about what they were. Will wishes he could be care-free like that. Wishes he didn't have to think about every word that comes out of his mouth. “He is such a doofus. Even in the apocalypse he is a doofus. Sometimes I fear that he will be stupid enough to get himself killed. I mean, he literally dived into a supernatural dimension and bit off a bat's head. He nearly died that day. I was so scared he had rabies as well.”
Robin continued to blab about rabies and how afraid she is of the possibility of dying because of it. Will listens and smiles and laughs when Robin says something about Steve being a “doofus” or “douche bag”. Before Will knows it, it’s been 2 hours since he arrived and he doesn't think he’s laughed this much in years. It was when the conversation took an unexpected turn, that time started to slow again. “–She sounded like Mrs Piggy– you know from the Muppets? I used to think she was actually good because I had a huge and I mean massive crush on her. –”
Will’s fingers that were wrapped around the butter-knife spreading peanut butter on some bread stilled. Were his knuckles turning white? He could feel the knife slip in his grip. Robin was still talking but he couldn't hear the words, everything was blurry and muffled. Did he hear her right? Maybe she meant Mr piggy. There's no way there's someone who is like him in smalltown Hawkins. There is no way. There is no actual way. It's not possible. Robin must have stopped talking, but Will didn't notice through all the static playing inside his head.
“I used to think she was actually good because I had a huge and I mean massive crush on her.”
Will feels like his head might fall off from all of the thoughts spinning around it, all of the pressure he now feels, pulling at him. He didn't realise that he dropped the knife until he heard the clatter. The loud, booming metal against wood. The sound brings him back from his thoughts. Was he having a panic attack? He doesn't think so. He’s had one before, not like this, not about this. He now realises that his breathing has gotten heavy, since when has the air gotten so thick? Or maybe it was his lungs collapsing? Maybe everything is collapsing around him, the world, himself, his sanity. God why is he having a panic attack over this? It shouldn't be too surprising that there is someone like him around hawkins. Maybe it's because Robin is so much more care-free and happy. The polar opposite of himself.
When had he migrated to the wooden floor? It's cool to the touch. He closes his eyes and tries to focus on the coldness rather than the air that won’t enter his lungs. Why can't he breathe? Maybe he's actually dying right now. At this moment. Next to the boxes and boxes of strawberry jam and peanut butter. Maybe the universe finally decided to do him a favour and end his suffering now. He just wished the universe would have picked a better time of day, and maybe not in a high school gymnasium. maybe the universe decided to spite him one last time before it let him have his last breath.
His vision is blurry, he can't hear anything over the beating of his own heart in his ears. Why is he actually having a panic attack over this? He can feel his knees pressed up against his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around them. How did he end up in this position? He can't remember bringing his knees to his chest, or wrapping his arms around himself. But, he supposes, he can't remember the last time he ate anything, so his memory is nothing to go off of.
The lights get brighter then darker, then there's a blurry head in front of him all blond bobs and blue eyes, too close for comfort. Then there's flailing hands on his shoulders and a voice that is all too loud for his ears right now, but it's the only thing he can hear.
“Oh god– oh god–” Robin, so he guesses? He can't really make out any of her features and her voice is rather muffled to his ears, so he can't be sure. “Will just– breath. I know that's horrible advice, but I promise you, once you get into the rhythm, it will go back to being second nature.” yep, Will concludes. Definitely robin, if the rambling is anything to go off of. It's rather comforting really, maybe it's her voice, or maybe it's because he finally has someone who relates to the things he's gone through, or maybe, and most possibly. It's because the action reminds him of a certain black haired boy with the darkest of chocolate eyes Will has ever seen, he had lost himself in them dark abysses more times than he would like to admit.
“Will I just need you to breathe with me okay?” Robin's soft voice says, causing his eyes to open again, when had he shut them? He couldn't remember. Her features have become more clear, making her look more like herself. Will's breathing is still jagged and rough and way too fast, so is his heart rate. He just needs to calm down. “I’ve been through this okay? I know it feels impossible to do, but please, just follow my breathing and it’ll get easier.”
Robin breathes slowly, Will watches her lips and tries to resemble her slow and calm breathing, but he only comes out fast and hoarse.
It feels like time starts to move impossible fast after that. Before he knows it, he's breathing normally again, sweat is dripping down his face and his throat and eyes sting. He breathes heavily, trying to catch his breath. Robin is now sitting with her back against one of the piles of boxes of jars, her knees also pulled up to her chest. Will squeezes his eyes shut and opens them again. He sees little stars play in his vision as he looks at the wall in front of him. He can't believe he just had a panic attack, over a lesbian. It shouldn’t have been so surprising to meet someone who is like him, but maybe it was. He never has met anyone like him before, even in California. He would have expected to have met someone like him in California, and he probably would have handled it better than he had now. It's possible that Robin might have been one of the reasons for the panic attack. But now, as he thinks about it, he has been carrying a lot of baggage lately, with his new realisation that he needs to literally die so everyone doesn't. The realisation that he needs to kill himself before Henry beats him to it.
He turns his head towards where Robin is sitting beside him. Now feeling sheepish and embarrassed about the scene he just caused. “I-I'm sorry– about that.” he whispers, his voice comes out raspy, causing him to cough and for the taste of metal to be evident in his mouth. Robin's head slowly turns towards his, her breathing is a lot heavier than it was before, but she manages to pull her lips into a genuine smile.
“Mini Byers. Trust me. I have dealt with worse panic attacks than that, there's nothing to apologise for” she says, looking at him with a genuine look in her eyes, and Will realises, he probably relates to her in more ways than one. “Was it something I said that set it off or…?”
Will took a deep breath and nodded. He can trust her. And he wants her to trust him, for the time-being until he’s gone. “You said– you said ‘you had a massive crush on her,” Will says, meeting Robin's eyes, and for a moment fear overtook her expression, until her eyes met Wills and it immediately died away. “And– I don't know…I have just never met anyone like me before. I thought there was no one in Hawkins who– I thought I was the only one…”
Robin smiles again, and huffs out a half laugh. “Sorry to take the spotlight away from you Byers, but you’re not the only one.” her statement makes a smile break across his face, a real, genuine smile.
Will leans his head against one of the boxes, looking up at the roof of the gym. He takes a deep breath, glad to be able to get oxygen into his lungs once again. He's glad he’s not the only one, glad he doesn't have to hide his real self away from at least one person.
“You will never believe how Steve found out,” robin pipes up randomly, her head coming into view, a smile pulling at her lips that turns into a full on grin. “He had a crush on me whilst we worked at scoops and he confessed when we were both high off of some Russian sedatives, you should have seen his face when he finally realised what point I was getting to.” Robin rambled once again, making Will break out into another genuine smile. And, Will Byers finally realises he’s not alone, in this horrible world. “He literally said “but Tammy Thompson's a girl” that's when I realised he was a total doofus–”