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The warmth of your room welcomes you as on many other occasions. You feel the tiredness finally setting in after finishing your last duty in the ministry. Being a sibling of sin is not really a difficult job, but having to spend most of your time away from Copia makes it almost unbearable. You wish you could spend more time with him like you used to when he was Papa, but both of you know that that is over now.
You focus on getting rid of your clothes in an attempt to not think about the drastic change that has happened in the last few months. Imperator’s death, Copia's new promotion and his farewell to the stage. Everything happened in just the blink of an eye and you know that it hasn’t been easy for Copia.
The memory of that night comes to your mind and you feel the bitter sensation of sadness invade you. That wasn’t the first time you saw Copia cry, but it was the first time you saw him break down and sob like a child. It wasn't a tantrum like Mr Psaltarian claimed; it was the reaction of Copia's inner child losing not only what he had fought so hard for, but his mother. The only person who had been there for him long before you.
That night you held him tightly as you felt his tears slide down your skin. You wished you could protect him from everything, but all you could do was hold him and allow him to silence his sobs against your chest.
You feel the beginning of tears wanting to bathe your cheeks again, but you don't allow it. Copia will arrive at any moment and you don't want him to think you're sad. With that thought in mind, you continue with your routine to end the day and wait patiently for him.
One of Copia’s shirts and your underwear make up your pajamas for that night and, while you brush your teeth, you see small stains of black paint on the sink. That draws a soft smile on your lips as you remember Copia's expression of excitement when he was asked to attend a photo shoot for a magazine, offering the opportunity to use his papal paint once again.
You hear the door open and your heart beats with excitement knowing that Copia has finally returned. You can't help but go out to meet him as if it's been days since you saw him.
"You're back!" you say as a greeting. Copia smiles the moment he sees you. He has a slightly tired expression, but it seems like he had a good time at the photo shoot. It’s no secret to anyone how much he likes to talk non-stop about a myriad of things.
“If I had known you’d be waiting for me dressed like that, I would have done anything to come back sooner,” he replies, accompanying his words with one of his silly laughs that you love so much. You barely have time to think about the heat rising in your cheeks when Copia closes the distance between you and gives you a kiss on the lips. The warmth of his body against yours, along with the scent of his perfume and his own skin, makes you think about how much you missed him.
“Wait, you’re going to get paint all over my face!” you complain between giggles, but you can’t help but kiss him again one last time. Seeing him smile and hearing his laughter makes you so happy.
“Okay, I’ll take it off. Can you help me?” he asks, starting to get rid of his red jacket. The “fuck you” sign on the inside makes you roll your eyes and smile. Copia is a grown man, but he can be very childish without even trying.
“I’ll get the wet wipes,” you reply, going to the bathroom to get everything you need. When you come back you find Copia sitting on the large sofa next to the bed you share with him. His feet, clad in rat-patterned socks, move restlessly on the carpet. He still has his pants and black shirt on, but at least he has taken off his gloves. It still takes a little bit of effort to act normal every time you see his bare hands.
“Okay, now stay still,” you order him, setting the micellar water and wet wipes on the nightstand. Copia leans back against the couch, silently inviting you to take your place on his lap.
As you wipe away the paint on his face, you can’t help but look at the gray hairs on Copia’s temples, but also at one extra detail.
“Are you going to grow your sideburns again?” you ask, trying not to get distracted by Copia’s hands resting on your thighs. Copia opens his eyes, the mismatched color of his gaze fixes on you.
“Yeah, I think so. I thought about growing my mustache again, but I don’t know…” he answers thoughtfully. The thought alone excites you more than you could possibly express.
“You definitely should…” you encourage him, running the wet wipe over his cheeks and revealing the constellation of freckles adorning his skin. The way you love those little details on him is hard to explain. “I love your freckles so much…” you whisper softly. The look of surprise on Copia’s face makes you wonder if you’ve never told him that.
“My… my freckles? I still have them?” he asks in disbelief. You can’t help but chuckle.
“Of course, haven’t you seen yourself in a mirror?” you ask and, although it was a rhetorical question, not receiving an answer from Copia disconcerts you almost instantly. Something is wrong. “Copia?” you insist, but he just avoids your gaze.
“I… I don’t know, I’ve been avoiding looking in the mirror as much as possible since a very long time…” he murmurs in a muffled voice. You don’t understand anything, every word makes no sense to you. When you see his sad expression, you can’t help but take his face in your hands.
“My love, why would you do something like that?” you ask, caressing his face with all the love in the world. Copia looks into your eyes, but seeing him try to hold back his tears breaks your heart.
“I don’t want to see what I did…” he answers and the first couple of tears slide down his cheeks. “I was so obsessed… I was so obsessed with looking like him…” His voice breaks with each word and you can feel your heart contract more and more. You know perfectly well who he’s talking about. “I thought that if I looked like him, he would finally accept me, but he never did… And now I can’t even see her when I look in the mirror…” he sobs and you don’t wait a single moment to hug him to your chest.
No one had wanted to say it out loud when it was still a mystery, but everyone knew. The similarity between Imperator and Copia’s features was overwhelmingly incredible; so much so that no one was really surprised when they found out she was his mother. However, that similarity was almost completely lost after Copia’s surgery. After that, they were just like two complete strangers working together…
“I don’t want to look like this anymore… I don’t want to look like him…” Copia repeats over and over; his body shaking against yours with each sob. His arms holds you tightly and you can almost feel the pain in his words. “I want to look like my mom again… I want to see her again… I want her back… I want her back…”
You would give anything to be able to avoid his pain, but you know you can’t. All you can do is hug Copia to your chest again when he leans against you on the couch and holds to you as if you were the only thing keeping him connected to reality; that reality where he’s once again aware of everything he has lost and what will never return.
“It’s okay… It’s okay, Copia… I’m here with you…” you whisper against his hair, caressing it in an attempt to calm him down, but it’s all in vain. He needs to let it go.
Eventually his sobs subside, giving way to deep, measured breathing that lets you know Copia has fallen asleep on your chest. You wonder if you should wake him up so you can both go to bed, but you don’t. You don’t want to let him go, even if it only has to be for a moment. You stroke Copia’s hair one last time and before being dragged by exhaustion into a deep sleep, you silently promise to do everything you can to heal Copia’s heart.