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It was very rare for Tsurugi to get a break from his work. He never complained about it. His work was very important, after all. And most of the time, he liked doing it. But it did get exhausting after a while.
So, when he did finally get some time off, he of course wanted to go visit his boyfriend first and foremost. At least it wasn't hard to do that. Sure, he was on an entirely different planet most of the time, but it didn't take all that long to get there.
With peace, came the ability for scientists and engineers to focus on improving things like space travel. And that meant it was even faster to get to places across the galaxy without doing any risky maneuvers in the process.
Tsurugi had informed his boyfriend of his impending arrival. He wasn't in the mood to do any surprise visiting. He wanted time to hang out and that meant planning ahead.
So, as Tsurugi arrived at the house, it didn't take long at all to get an answer. Spada opened the door and smiled at him.
"You made it. Come on in." He stepped back.
Tsurugi entered the house and took a small look around the area. It had been quite a few months since he had last been here. Had Spada changed anything since then?
"How long are you off?" Spada asked.
Tsurugi didn't respond immediately, still staring off in the distance. Spada repeated the question, this time catching his attention.
"Two days." Tsurugi replied, focusing his gaze on the other now. "We reached a slow time for once."
"That's good. Are you planning to just spend it here or go elsewhere as well?"
"I have yet to decide that much."
"Well, you're just in time for lunch. Come on, let's eat and you can tell me what you've been up to since last time." Spada said, already on the move to the dinning room.
Tsurugi followed after him. "We'll be here for hours if you want that."
"I'm not busy."
...
After lunch, they went out for a walk. Spada was pointing around, showing off the new developments that had come into the town since the last time Tsurugi had been around.
Tsurugi was aware of some of these projects, having been the one to approve of them, but he had yet to see them in person. It was thankfully going well.
They spent most of the afternoon out and about. Only as the sun began to set did they return to Spada's house. Spada vanished for a bit, saying he had something to quick go do. Something about sending a message to someone. The annoying part of being separated was working with so many different timezones now.
Tsurugi took a seat in the living room and waited for Spada to return. He looked around the room, not sure how to occupy himself. He had no idea how long it might take Spada.
When Spada returned, Tsurugi didn't seem to notice. He was once again just kind of off in his own world. His gaze was unfocused and he was just there.
Spada walked closer and spoke, making his voice a bit louder than he normally would. "Sorry. I'm back."
Tsurugi blinked, seeming to have been startled out of his head. He looked over at Spada.
"Can I ask what it was about?" Tsurugi asked.
"Just trying to confirm some dates with some of the others. Trying to collaborate on something." Spada replied.
"I see..."
"You okay? I didn't want to say anything right away but... you do look quite exhausted."
Tsurugi waved off the concern. "I'm fine."
"Come on. You have quite dark bags unde ryour eyes. And you weren't exactly the most alert during our outing. Or really at any point today." Spada wasn't convinced. He took a seat next to Tsurugi and looked him over more closely.
"I'm fine, Spada. Maybe a bit tired, but that's normal." Tsurugi deflected his concern once more.
"Tsurugi. This seems more than a bit tired. How much did you sleep last night?" Spada continued to pester him.
Tsurugi let out an annoyed sigh. The one thing he sometimed hated about Spada was how overly caring he could get. He wasn't able to get a lot past him. And he certainly didn't take no for an answer.
"Amore mio, please."
"I don't know. Okay? I don't keep track." Tsurugi replied, his words coming out a bit more snappy than he had intended.
Spada winced slightly at his tone. "What do you mean? How can you not know an estimate? You should know roughly when you went to bed and when you woke up."
Tsurugi let out a sigh, leaning back against the couch and closing his eyes. "I... haven't been sleeping well. I constantly wake up."
"Why?"
Tsurugi opened his eyes and glanced over at Spada. Spada had gotten even closer to him, seeming more concerned than before.
"My mind seems to just hate me."
"Tsurugi."
"I've been..." Tsurugi paused for a minute. "I don't really know... just, my mind has been replaying some darker things of the past whenever I try to sleep. It wakes me up a lot."
"So, you've been having a lot of nightmares?" Spada questioned.
Tsurugi shook his head. "Nightmares don't play in your mind when you're awake too. It's something else."
"Wait. You're getting these memories even when awake? And not because you're trying to remember it?"
"Pretty much."
"That doesn't sound very good."
"You're telling me." Tsurugi retorted.
"Sorry... I just, don't really know what to say to that."
"It's fine. I'm used to it. I've been dealing with this for years. Even before we met, this happened sometimes."
"What?" That statement only seemed to draw out more concern from Spada.
Tsurugi shrugged. "It's been this way for as long as I can remember. Always something bad to remember in my life. I've gotten pretty used to functioning while this is going on. Probably not the best method but..."
"Is this why you seemed to disconnected earlier?" Spada asked.
"Probably. My main method is to just kind of distance myself from everything. Kind of like watching myself in third person than actually being there."
"Tsurugi, that's just dissociating."
"And?"
"That's not a very good form of dissociation to be having."
"Well, I don't see what else I can do. These memories haunt me no matter how hard I try to fix it." Tsurugi got defensive.
He had been using this method for years. What did Spada know about it? It worked for him. Wasn't that all that mattered? It wasn't hurting him. What had it done to hurt him? This wasn't as bad as Spada was trying to make it out to be. It couldn't be.
"I'm sure we can figure out a healthier method than just numbing yourself like that." Spada said.
"I don't care. I'm fine."
"Tsurugi, you are anything but fine."
Tsurugi sighed and finally relented. "I just... don't like the thought of changing this. What if it gets worse before it gets better? I don't want it to get worse."
"That tends to be how healing from trauma goes. You seem aware of that much." Spada replied. "When I started to actually process my trauma, it definitely spiked but then it got a lot better. You're just going to have to handle that it will get worse."
"Now we're calling this trauma?"
"It is, isn't it? Now that I've thought a bit, it sounds like you're getting flashbacks because of trauma. Are these completely random or does something seem to happen and then they start up?"
Tsurugi thought for a while. Was there a correlation for when this happened? Was there something that could possibly spur this on?
"Do you get reminded of your trauma and then these happen?" Spada offered.
"I... yeah. Now that you say that... it does seem to happen when I do feel off from being reminded of the past." Tsurugi nodded.
"Then this is caused by trauma."
"But, why? Why does it haunt me?"
Spada shrugged. "I'm not a therapist. This is all just from personal experience. I can't tell you why it happens, just that it is happening."
"So... what legendary idea do you have to stop these issues then?" Tsurugi asked.
Spada pondered the question for a while. Tsurugi watched as he clearly thought over his options. He wasn't very confident that there was going to be an answer. What else was there to do about this?
"I mean... the only way to really stop it is to actually process it all and face it fully. Even then, I can't guarantee it won't still happen." Spada finally said. "But for now, maybe just having someone to be near might help. Bring you back to the present and out of the past."
"I don't know that I'm ready to try and process this all that heavily."
"We can take it slow. I'll do what I can to help you."
"Okay." Tsurugi agreed. Even he knew saying no wasn't going to get him anywhere.
Spada glanced at the time. "You want to call it an early night then? You need the rest."
Tsurugi hesitated.
"I'll be right by your side. It's okay. I'll chase away the bad dreams." Spada smiled at him.
Tsurugi cracked a smile. "Alright. I'm holding you to it then."
"Let's go."
They made their way to the bedroom. After taking the few minutes it took the get ready for bed, they laid down together.
Spada rolled onto his side and faced Tsurugi. He shifted to right beside him and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Tsurugi looked over and reciprocated the gesture before going back to staring at the ceiling.
"Goodnight." Spada said. "Love you."
Tsurugi blinked a few times, looking back over at Spada, as if just processing he had been spoken to again. Spada was going to repeat what he said, but Tsurugi spoke first.
"Love you too. Night."
They fell silent for a while. Spada moved in closer, wrapping an arm around Tsurugi's chest and laying his head right next to Tsurugi's.
"You don't normally say 'I love you' in anything but Italian. What gives anyway?" Tsurugi broke the silence.
"To snap you into reality."
Tsurugi glanced over at him. "What?"
"The shock of such a change drug you out of your head, didn't it?"
Tsurugi let out a small laugh. "You got me there."
"Now, stay in the present with me." Spada kissed his cheek again. "I want you here with me."
"I'll do my best." Tsurugi replied, placing a hand over the one Spada had resting on his chest.
"Sweet dreams." Spada said.
"I hope so..."
"I'll make sure they're nice dreams."
"You better or I'll be very mad."
Spada chuckled. "I understand. You can get me for it if it doesn't happen. Goodnight."
They fell back into silence. Tsurugi shifted his head to press it gently against Spada's. Spada cracked a smile.
At least this was something he knew how to do.