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Seokjin sits on the floor with his back against the door, hugging his knees and burying his face in his arms.
Keep it together, Seokjin.
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
It started about two hours ago. Kookie was fed, bathed, warm, and snuggled into Seokjin’s broad shoulder as he walked around the nursery, bobbing his knees and singing a lullaby. The tiny fingers that always stroked over the fabric of Seokjin’s shirt had stilled, and his ears informed him that Kookie was only sucking on the pacifier held between his soft cheeks occasionally. When Seokjin passed the mirror, he saw that Kookie’s eyes were closed.
Without ceasing his singing, Seokjin made his way over to the crib. Nerves twisted in his stomach as he slowly, oh so slowly , shifted Kookie from his shoulder to his hands and lowered his baby onto the blankets. Kookie’s face scrunched, and Seokjin stopped breathing, begging in his mind, No, no, no, it’s okay! Just sleep!
When Kookie started whimpering, Seokjin practically bolted from the room, and by the time he was out, Kookie was wailing at full volume. Seokjin’s heartstrings tightened painfully in his chest, and the urge to comfort his baby itched deep beneath his skin. Biting his lip, he stared at his watch and counted the seconds until the allotted wait-time was over.
He nearly tripped over his own feet rushing back in to retrieve his baby from the crib. Once Seokjin started shushing him, rubbing his back, and kissing him all over, Kookie’s cries subsided to sniffles. Seokjin breathed a sigh of relief. Kookie’s silky hair brushed against his neck as the child rested his head on Seokjin’s shoulder. Eventually, Kookie was quiet, and Seokjin brought him back over to the crib with a heavy heart.
“Sorry, my love, I’m sorry,” Seokjin whispered, tucking Kookie in and retreating.
He forced himself out of the room as Kookie began crying again.
The process repeated for another hour. Seokjin had to stop himself from ripping out handfuls of his own hair by gripping the parenting book hard enough to wrinkle the pages. At this point, the book instructed, Seokjin was supposed to let Kookie cry until he tired himself out and fell asleep. Seokjin cursed between clenched teeth and dragged himself away from the door to Kookie’s nursery.
People kept telling him that Kookie should not be sleeping with him anymore, but Seokjin had waved them off. Kookie was his child, and those people could not understand their relationship. However, when Seokjin mentioned feeling tired in the morning after Kookie had been fussy during the night, the pediatrician encouraged him to let Kookie learn to self-soothe in his own room. Grudgingly, Seokjin had moved the crib into the previously neglected nursery.
He had to pile several pillows on top of his head to muffle the sound of Kookie’s crying, otherwise he probably would have run straight through the wall to reach his baby. Seokjin pressed his face into his mattress and tried to clear his mind.
It felt wrong.
Even though he could no longer hear Kookie’s wailing, the baby’s absence from his room felt like a hole in Seokjin’s chest. He was so used to Kookie’s soft presence that he had not realized how much he relied on it. Feelings of insecurity and emptiness seeped into the space Kookie usually filled, and Seokjin found himself suffocating underneath the pillows one second and frozen in front of Kookie’s door the next.
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
The desperate cries echoing through the wood behind him have not dissipated even after half an hour. Seokjin is worrying his lower lip again. If he can’t be strong for Kookie, neither of them will get a solid night of sleep anytime in the near future. At the same time, the draw he feels towards Kookie is tearing at his heart, and the sound of Kookie calling for him only salts the wound.
Just one more time, Seokjin compromises.
He’s on his feet before he can convince himself it is a bad idea. Kookie is kneeling with his tiny hands fisted around the bars of his crib, head drooping forward and tears dripping down his puffy cheeks. When he hears Seokjin enter, he stands up and reaches his arms out, bouncing and yelling even louder.
Seokjin nearly starts crying himself at the sight. He tries to get Kookie to lie down, but the baby twists around and sits up again. At a loss, Seokjin seriously considers having his own meltdown. Then an idea breaks through the fog of exhaustion and frustration clouding his brain.
Seokjin climbs into the crib and lies down, legs folded at an uncomfortable angle. Kookie immediately plasters himself onto Seokjin’s chest.
Seokjin’s heart swells so much that it threatens to burst. He wraps his arms around Kookie and presses kisses into his midnight black hair while Kookie quiets and nuzzles into Seokjin’s shirt. Taking a deep breath through his nose, Seokjin inhales Kookie’s sweet scent, and the emptiness is gone.
“Maybe we’ll try again another time,” Seokjin whispers.
Kookie raises his head to look at him with dark, shining eyes. Seokjin wipes Kookie’s tears with his thumb and smiles at the baby, who blinks sleepily back at him.
“Eomma,” Kookie says softly, reaching out to touch Seokjin’s face. Seokjin feels the wetness on his eyelashes as Kookie runs his delicate fingers over his eomma’s lips, nose, and cheeks. Turning his head slightly, Seokjin kisses Kookie’s hand.
Seokjin shifts into a more bearable position, and Kookie rests his head back on Seokjin’s chest and curls his fists into his shirt, eyes slipping closed. The two of them simply breathe for quite some time. The hole that had been in Seokjin’s chest is full. As he holds Kookie close, his whole being is overflowing with love and devotion so strong that he might have been afraid if it did not feel so right.
“I’m pretty sure,” Seokjin says under his breath to his sleeping child, “I need you just as much as you need me.”