Chapter Text
Chris stands in the middle of an airport runway, some intern doing his makeup while he reads over his lines.
Season 3. Another chance from the higher-ups. One that came along waaay sooner than his contract details, but whatever. Chris is going to make sure that things don’t majorly suck this time around.
The cameraman clears his throat, signaling that it’s time to start recording. Chris shoves the script into the intern’s arms, waving them off.
He brushes off dust that isn’t there and clears his throat, preparing to get back into character. Chris is ready for this.
“3…”
New environments.
“2…”
New challenges.
“1…”
Best of all, some new faces too!
“Aaand action!”
Chris perks up, using his ‘host voice’ to speak to the camera…
“Season 3 of Total Drama, folks! The world is gonna be mine. Sea to shining sea,” he declares, throwing his hands up in the air.
A bus pulls up and Chris looks over in its direction. “Sadly, I’m forced to share my world with a three-ring traveling teen freak show.” Chris crosses his arms behind his back as the bus comes to a halt beside him, turning back to face the camera.
“They’ll be competing all around the globe for another million dollars! So…let’s meet our players.”
The doors of the bus open, as people start filing out. Chris lists them off one by one as they walk past the frame, some waving.
“Courtney. Duncan. Heather. Gwen. Leshawna.”
Heather stops in her tracks, making Gwen bump into her. It’s clear by her smile that this was fully intentional. Gwen groans, rubbing her head. “Are there reserved seats? i.e. can I have one NOT behind Heather’s pony hair ponytail?”
Offended, Heather turns to face Gwen, immediately defending herself. “Um, my extensions are human hair!” Duncan appears behind the two of them, smirking. “You learn something new every day.” He and Gwen share a laugh, meanwhile Heather stomps off and Courtney glares at the two, pulling Duncan away.
Chris is already starting to lose hope in this season…
“Right, moving on. Ahem…Lindsay, Owen, DJ, aaand Harold!” he pauses, confused when he sees DJ carry Owen off the bus. “He’s afraid of flying,” DJ clears up. Oh yeah…Chris totally forgot about that. Oh well. He shrugs, shooing the two away.
Harold steps off the bus, already spewing facts no one asked to hear. “Aerophobia, the fear of flying. As opposed to aeronauseaphobia, the fear of air sickness.”
Noah steps off the bus behind Harold, surely breaking a personal record for first eye roll of the season. “Keep up the fascinating facts and I’m going to be aero-nauseous all over you,” Noah snarks.
Jesus Christ, Chris has forgotten how annoying teenagers are. He feigns a smile, continuing.
“Aaand returning favorites, Noah, Cody, and—“ he’s cut off by a grating voice.
“Yo, yo, yo! This year’s winner is in the house! Er- bus- I mean…runwayyy. Where’s the plane, eh?” God, Chris can’t wait for the others to vote this kid off.
“I know, right?” another voice chimes in. Chris looks to see who’s next, and it’s…oh…her.
“Let’s fly!” Izzy shouts, jumping onto Ezekiel’s shoulders. “Watch out. Oomph!” Ezekiel makes a sound as the two connect with the ground. Chris runs a hand down his face before the camera pans back to him. “Yup!” he pipes up cheerfully, “Izzy’s back!”
“Also returning this season…Tyler.” Chris announces as Tyler falls off the last bus stair, face planting. “And,” Chris continues, ignoring the boy, “returning this season is co-host of Total Drama Aftermath, Bridgette!” she also falls off the last stair of the bus, collapsing onto the pile of bodies that has now accumulated.
“Oh Chris, you forgot to introduce me,” the homeschooled boy croaks out form the bottom of the pile. Chris sighs, “And Ezekiel.” Turning his attention from the teens on the floor, Chris looks to the other contestants.
“And now to mix things up and keep it all fresh,” he begins excitedly, holding two fingers up, “two new competitors!” Chris smiles at the confusion and shock on some of the teens’ faces.
“He’s a straight-A student with a diplomat for a dad, and an amazing ability to charm the pants off most species. A-le-jandro~!” Chris explains as the new contestant steps off the bus.
“Perhaps I can be of some assistance?” Alejandro offers, bending down to help Bridgette and Izzy up off the ground. Both girls swoon, Bridgette stuttering out that she has a boyfriend. Chris rolls his eyes.
Alejandro smiles awkwardly, turning his attention to the other two on the floor. “And amigos, please, allow me,” he says, helping up Tyler and Ezekiel. The former stutters too, claiming that he only likes girls.
All too eager to stop that line of conversation from going anywhere, Chris announces the second mystery contestant. “And she’s a sugar-addicted superfan. With *sixteen* Total Drama blogs…Sierra!” Chris can barely finish his introduction before the purple-haired girl comes barreling off the bus, squealing.
“OHMYGOSH I LOVE YOU GUYS! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE AND-“ she devolves into a series of shrieks accompanied by hyperventilating as she tries to keep herself breathing. “Anybody got a paper bag I can breathe into?”
She quickly abandons her question, gasping as she lays eyes on Cody. She runs over to him.
“Oh my GOSH, Cody! I’ve dreamt of this moment…only you weren’t wearing a shirt,” the superfan giggles.
Thankfully, Sierra is stopped from saying anything else creepy when the loud shriek of metal scraping against the runway pulls everyone’s attention to the approaching vehicle. Chef can be seen in the cockpit of what appears to be a…very dilapidated airbus with Chris’s image printed on the side.
“What the-“ Duncan looks on in disgust, meanwhile others seem terrified or confused. “Excuse me,” Courtney begins, “but I’d like to express some concern about the safety of our plane…”
Chris’s eye twitches. “Relax, it’s perfectly safe!” he chirps as a panel falls off the side. “Er- now boarding!”
Of all the looks being thrown Chris’s way or at the plane, none beat the way Owen’s face twists in horror as he shrieks, flailing his arms about. “No! No way! I’m not going to ride in that! Call the United Nations! Call a cab! Call my mom!” As Owen rants, Chris silently grabs a frying pan from out of nowhere and slowly approaches him. “No, I’m not doing it! I’m out! This is unethic—“
BANG!
Owen is now quiet, problem solved. Chris spins the frying pan in his hand. “Anybody else got a problem with it?” he scowls. A murmur of no’s and compliments fly Chris’s way. He smiles, tossing the frying pan behind him.
“Now boarding on a voyage to a million big ones!” He turns to face the camera, pointing directly at it. “We’re saving you a first class seat for all the action! Right here…on Total! Drama! World Tour~!”