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I was rather reluctant with this situation but it wasn’t beyond anything out of the normality of me and Richard’s dynamic, it’s just that given the recent events of me pouring my heart out to him and crying countless tears I simply find it quite interesting. It’s not like I was against it, I mean, Richard had suggested- or rather joked about this before but I could never find the right words to respond to him. Despite having known him for years I still found myself dumb-founded on how to deal with him and his “jokes”.
I’m not quite sure on how it came to be but after he had told me the dramatic yet interesting tale of the young Octavia Manorland, we settled in for the night in my room. I had expected him to take up one of the free rooms we cleaned out earlier but after calling it a night he wordlessly followed me into the room and gotten in bed like it was routine. It panged my heart to experience this slice of domesticity with him; it reminded me of the possibility of him sharing this with Deborah, his ex-fiancé. Earlier in the evening I had gotten so worked up just thinking of a future where he was married to someone other than me and here I was, beginning to shake again at the thought.
Richard, the ever-so-kind and considerate man he was, lifted the covers and patted the spot next to him. He looked at me with that gentle smile and gracious charm. It did soothe me but at the same time my breath hitched as I tried my best to hold back my emotions.
A mix of guilt and happiness filled my body. To have this beautiful man with perfect features and the kindest soul offer me comfort once again had me wanting to jump for joy but at the same time I was reluctant to accept when I don’t see myself worthy yet of being by his side, at least not his partner in life whatever that may be. The conversation we had prior to Octavia’s villainous upbringing once again popped up in my mind.
“Seigi, lie down.”
I must’ve had a grave expression on my face for Richard’s face to look sullen, his voice was gentle but he was clearly upset. Unsurprisingly, I climbed in bed, following his voice like a siren’s call. But unlike a siren, I would willingly answer to his callings. Jump into freezing waters to be there for him.
Once my head hit the pillow, I could feel all the stress I’ve been fostering rise up. It was like the thin ice I’ve been walking on was just about to crack and the final nail or step before I fell into the water was Richard for better or worse. I was staring at the ceiling but when I felt the pair of eyes looking at me apprehensively from beside me, I tried my best to ignore them. But eventually I couldn’t deal with the gaze of those two clear blue eyes. With a sigh, I turned onto my side to face him directly, our faces once again only a few inches apart for the second time this night.
Although the room was only partially lit by the moonlight streaming in through the window, I could perfectly see the worry lines on his face tighten and the crow’s feet right next to his long lashes. He was worried once again but all I could focus on was his face and how beautiful he was.
A hand found itself cupping my cheek and his brows furrowed as he slowly traced over my eyebags with his thumb, soothing my eyes. I leaned my head into his palm, soaking up the attention he was giving me.
It was nice, too nice. What we had now was perfect, things were perfect the way they were now but I can’t help but ask for more. I wouldn’t ever voice it, I mean, I tried when I had asked Richard how he would react if I were to ever ask him out romantically but he made his stance on the matter clear in his own Richard-like way. He had entertained the possibility by making another one of his jokes but it didn’t fully answer my question, instead dancing around labels and not settling with one... which is fine! But the possibility of him leaving my life and marrying Deborah left me paralyzed with fear, I couldn’t bear to live without Richard, and I love him, I love him so much that it hurt.
This ache in my heart yearned for a definite answer, a confirmation that he would stay by my side the way that I would never leave him given the opportunity. I understand that I’m being selfish for asking for more when our relationship is amazing the way it is now. I know Richard loves me, that much is obvious but uncertainty plagued my mind, it filled my head and lungs, choking me up. Our love as beautiful as it is brought so so so much pain with it.
Tears once again began to pour from my eyes as I broke down. Richard held my face with both hands now, silently holding me together as he moved closer and brought me into his embrace all the while I clung onto him like a lifeline, afraid that if I let go for even a split second he would escape and not come back. Maybe it was the pent-up stress from having to deal with Vince, the disorientation from constant travelling, the fact that Ms. Octavia was about to arrive in Sri Lanka, or my feelings for Richard but everything seemed to be crashing down on me and my only response was to let it all out.
Richard pulled back to observe my face and, in his eyes, I saw tears forming. I apologized for my unsightly appearance and for causing him distress but he simply said it was quite alright, smiling as he rubbed circles onto my back with one hand and ran the other through my hair. I so desperately wanted to repay the love he has given me in earnest and earn the title of his partner in life. I didn’t care whether it was as a boyfriend, husband, or even a kept-man. Thinking about that last one made me chuckle, catching Richard’s attention.
“Feeling better?”
I nodded my head and brought the hand that was in my hair to my lips, kissing each knuckle and his palm. Each kiss was a promise to Richard, a vow of devotion. His being was so intricately intertwined with mine that I don’t think I could ever grow tired of thinking about him, admiring him, caring for him, loving him. This reminded me a lot of the promise I made to his mother, Catherine.
It was unnecessary to speak out what the kisses meant, Richard could easily pick apart and read me like a book at any given moment.
Despite the label or lack thereof I find it in my nature to love Richard. Maybe this was why he decided to spend the night with me? To console me and be there for me? Circling back and obsessing over a label won’t do me any good, and it’ll be something I’ll have to learn to accept, but I’ll at least have him right now and as long as I am permitted.