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Kane was staring down at the floor while Abby patched up his broken hands, the holes in his wrists and he couldn't help but shake a little, feel like somehow he had messed absolutely everything up.
He couldn't get Bellamy's face out of his head, how he was shaken back from ALIE's chip hold into reality and found himself choking the poor boy to death.
He had been terrified of himself and let go of him immideately but he had seen the bruises he made on his neck, they were heavy and dark, seemed swollen too. Bellamy had scrumbled away from him immideately, pressed his body against the wall near them and he saw him struggling to catch his breath as he held onto his side, somewhere under his heart.
Kane was so confused, so...out of it that he just couldn't comprehand what was happening, let alone try to help out but he wanted to...he knew that he had done something very wrong and it wasn't the first time he hurt Bellamy but it was one of the most recent ones.
The other was letting Octavia beat him so badly that his face was still cracking up with the bruises and wounds she had done to him.
He looked horrible. Kane kept seeing him there, pressed against the wall struggling to catch his breath before Clarke came over and kneeled before him, took his wrists in her hands and whispered something softly.
"Hey-" Abby said, she knew what he was thinking about "He'll be okay." she promised as she cleaned the hole on his right hand with some sanitizer and used fresh bandages to wrap them up.
They were nasty and she probably worried about infection. She might've mentioned it and he might've registered it somewhere at the back of his head but again, little made sense to him now.
The only thought he had was "I hurt Bellamy. I hurt the kid. I hurt Bellamy." like a siren going in his head.
"How do you know?" he asked and raised an eyebrow "You said he wouldn't let you check on him."
"Clarke will. They'll both get some rest now and I'm sure she'll make him tell her what hurts and even if he's stubborn and refuses to show her what's wrong, we'll be on our way home tomorrow, so I'll get my chance to press him against the wall and make him tell me everything that's wrong." Kane shook his head as he stared at his bandaged wrists.
"He's stubbornly stupid. He won't do it even if he was bleeding out. I told you that Monty and I found him walking in the woods with a gaping wound in his leg, not caring for anything except getting to Clarke." he reminded her quietly and Abby gave him a curt nod, looking serious and very much enwrapped in her work. She didn't say anything though and Kane felt like his heart was sinking, so he reached out and gripped her hand with his weak one.
"Abby...I did wrong by this kid. I...was so mean to him, I didn't understand why he chose to side with Pike and now...now I hurt him."
"That's not your fault, Kane." she tried to reason with him as she softly squeezed his hand back. "He did all that, not you."
"No...we all did it. You and I too-" she furrowed her eyebrows at that, probably not appreciating that she was being involved in that as well but he meant it "We should've seen Pike coming. We tossed the chancellor's pin around like it was a toy until people got tired and Charles spoke to them in a way we couldn't. He spoke to Bellamy."
"No, he told Bellamy what he wanted to hear-that what happened in Mount Weather was his fault." Abby said simply "That boy carries the world on his shoulders same as Clarke but he also blames himself for everything. You told him that none of this was his fault, Pike said it was. His brain also repeated the same mantra over and over again and he just listened to what seemed logical at the time."
"But we bear bear the responsibility for it too. We should've been smarter." Kane went on as he watched her tie up the bandage "I should've listened to what he was saying more, instead I ignored him. Then he went with Pike and after...after he was doing everything he could to tell Pike that he was wrong. He argued with him, that much I found out later on from people who were there during the meetings and Monty as well. He wasn't just blindly following him, he just wanted to keep the delinquents safe because he knew it was his job to do it." Kane groaned when she tightened the bandage and made his wrist hurt.
He didn't care, it wasn't worse than what he had done to Bellamy-in fact, when he saw the kid pressed against the wall like that, so scared and hurt, he could tell that there was more than one thing going on there-there was pain and a lot of it, some was visible like the scars his sister left or the bruises Kane did but some...some where hidden deep in, wrapped around his big self-sacrificial heart that he thought nobody cared about.
"Hey-" Abby squeezed his elbow this time so as not to cause him more pain "I'll talk to Clarke later, I promise and if he's not okay, I'll make sure he gets checked out, how about that?" she smiled a little at him and he tried to do the same but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "You weren't yourself, so none of this is your fault." she reminded him but he had to disagree.
"He wasn't either...before-" he meant all of it, how he had blamed him and told him he was wrong, how he said he couldn't be trusted in the cave and then let Octavia hurt him "But when I was in that situation he didn't do anything to hurt me, he didn't call me bad names...on the contrary, he let me hurt him, he would've let me kill him, Abby..." his choked on his tears and she saw how painful this was for him, so she put her hand on his neck and pushed him to her chest, wrapping him softly in her arms and whispering to him that everything would be okay.
But it wouldn't be, Kane knew. Not until he got to talk to Bellamy, not until he was sure he'll be okay.
And at the same time he couldn't really face him.
He was a coward.
A few hours later Bellamy and Clarke finally got to one of the million smaller rooms that Polis' tower provided after talking endlessly to the grounders and deciding they'll leave tomorrow and let the negotiations for the future to be discussed in a summit next week, then they made sure the rest of their people were okay and would be safe in the adjacent rooms next to theirs.
They've decided Abby would treat the wounded while Bellamy and Clarke carried the negotiations, after which they'll all take a few hours rest before they could drive home. Drive was a bit of a stretch really-they only had the rover and that one big Mount Weather truck that would fit everyone left in Polis with some difficulty-there just wasn't enough room, so Clarke had asked Indra to please find them two horses so that she and Bellamy could ride home safely.
He wasn't a big horse fan but he couldn't really complain right now.
The truth was that he felt awful. He couldn't breathe properly, his throat, no...his whole neck felt swollen. It was similar to the way he was after Murphy tried to hang him after which he had trouble talking but somehow now it felt...worse, maybe because he already had one serious injury on his neck before, he had no idea but he had trouble pulling air in and he couldn't talk well even though he forced himself.
Then there was the ribs on his side-again they had been bruised before when Octavia hit him in the cave, she had been so furious that when he finally fell, she kept punching and kicking him until they took her off.
He had felt something was off there but it was more painful now. The sky people and grounders who fought them in the room had batons and sticks same as the rest of them-they hit him several times there and so did Kane before he finally pushed him down against the floor.
He knew he should've been more scared after everything that happened, more shaken or even in shock-after all, he almost died but the truth was that he felt nothing. When Kane was squeezing his throat and he felt like he was going to pass out and give into the darkness completely, he wasn't afraid but rather calm.
Of course he couldn't blame the old man for nothing-he wasn't himself and if it wasn't him it'd be someone else, so he was glad that at least it was a familiar face even if they hadn't had the best relationship in the past few months after the whole Pike fiasco. He had disappointed him, he had disappointed everyone, including Clarke.
She looked awful when they got to the room, she had her own bruises and cuts on her chest that Abby patched up after taking care of everyone else. By then, he was already sitting on the surprisingly soft bed, reaching for his ribs from under his jacket.
He hadn't heard her walk in but he felt her touch on his arm.
"Mom really wanted to check on you." she said simply as she stood before him and he looked up at her briefly.
God, he loved how real she was when it was just the two of them-all masks gone, just them bare and honest to each other, understanding everything they had to say with just a word.
He shook his head and bowed it down, letting her fingers slip from his chin. He didn't want her to know how much he hurt, so he put his hand away from his ribs but he knew she must've seen it.
"How bad is it?" she asked instead and picked his head up again-he wasn't sure what she meant, the bruises his sister made that were still so visible and...painful too, he felt like they were infected. This morning when he washed his face with some cold water, he poped one of the cracks and saw pus on his fingers but he just washed himself well and went on.
Was it that or the bruises Kane left on his neck?
Or maybe it was everything that was irreversably broken in him after what he had done, after the way he had lost himself?
He knew why he didn't care when Kane pushed him down, when he tried to squeeze the life out of him-he just didn't think it was a life worth living, not anymore.
Clarke kneeled down and took his right hand that was still wrapped up in a gauze. He had forgotten about it even if that hurt too-the way he had busted his knuckles against one of the barrels outside of Niylah's place when he had been so angry at himself.
She wanted to check on him then too, said he probably broke something and if not at least he definitely cracked it-his knuckles were swollen, bleeding, painful, his wrist and elbow hurt that night but he hadn't had the time to think of it.
Now it was as if his whole body was finally reminding him of everything that had gone wrong but he had to remember that he couldn't whine, that he never did and that pain was part of everything and most of all that he deserved it.
He closed his eyes and saw a field of killed grounders that he and the others walked through, then felt his pain enhance by the second and almost smiled because it was exactly what he wanted.
"You deserve it." he told himself and when he opened his eyes Clarke looked at him with a mix of worry and confusion.
"You can't really talk, can you?" she asked him when she looked into his eyes but he pulled his head away and stared down at his feet instead. "Bellamy, you have to let me check you out." she tried but he shook his head again and lay back down, tugging her hand and suggesting they got some rest instead-he knew they had a few hours before they had to leave for Arkadia and that gave him some sort of peace that he didn't know he could really feel anymore.
Not after everything that has happened.
Surprisingly, she didn't fight him, she kicked off her boots at the same time he did his and they lay on the bed, facing each other. He shrugged off his jacket because they didn't have a blanket and threw it over her but she refused to be the only one getting warm and came closer, putting some of it over him too.
He lay on his bad side on purpose, he wanted to feel his ribs protest, he wanted to make it even harder for his lungs to be able to pull air in. His face hurt too because his bruises and cracks pressed against the hard pillow but he didn't care.
It was surprisng how easily they both fell asleep they must've been absolutely exhausted.
Still, he was restless even in that, he never could sleep without waking up at least twice ever since his mom gave birth to Octavia, he'd always check if she was warm enough at night because he had to wrap her in his arms and give her all his blankets and provide as much warmth as he could, so it was natural that it happened now too.
The second time he woke up it was with a shake, he coughed and found Clarke wrapped around him, her arms holding him close and her head buried in his chest.
He couldn't breathe well, it was if he was suffociating and his ribs burned, his whole side did.
"You deserve it." he just told himself again and hugged her back-she was shaking a little, the room wasn't that warm and they had no blanket. He put his jacket over her arms entirely and left himself in just the old tan t-shirt he had on, not caring if he was cold, he couldn't feel much anyway.
He also felt a little hot, like he was burning, so he knew he didn't need it.
Next time he woke up, she was shoving her cold feet between his legs, trying to find warmth and he coughed again, this time more than before and he gasped, trying to catch his breath but he didn't care...he couldn't begin to worry about himself, instead he just pulled her closer. She felt so good against him, so warm and kind and just...Clarke.
He wasn't stupid, he knew nothing would ever happen between them but he liked having her there, it made his heart go a little faster, though he'd never admit it. Plus, it could've been his bruised ribs or the general problem he had with breathing now that was causing all this.
Yeah, it must've been that, he told himself.
"You deserve it." sounded like a loud mantra in his head once more before he passed out again.
He knew it was close to dawn, he saw the way the light in the room changed from darker to ligher blue and he thought he had to force himself to wake up soon.
Still, it must've been at least another half an hour before he finally did and it was from her moving in his arms, she was having some sort of nightmare, mumbling something under her nose that he wasn't sure he was able to understand fully but that it sounded like "No, no, take me instead, kill me instead." which made him clench his jaw because he never wanted her to hurt like this.
He couldn't fall asleep after that, so instead he just hugged her tightly and kept her close, shushing her by rubbing his hands over her back. She held him so tightly, he really had trouble breathing and he couldn't understand why.
"It's the ribs." he told himself. "They're just bruised, that's it." but it felt wrong in a way that he couldn't exactly pinpoint but wasn't afraid of either. He coughed a few more times and knew he had to get up unless he wanted to wake her up but he still looked down at her and when he found her now calm and back to breathing evenly without any sort of interruption, he smiled.
He stroked her back several more times in order to warm her up, then leaned over and kissed the top of her head.
It was the most of what he could allow himself right now. It was also more than he had ever dreamed of.
Then he coughed again, this time harder and he tried to get away from her but was surprised when her grip tightened on him and she pulled him back. At first he thought she was still asleep but when he realized someone was watching him he almost gasped-she was wide awake and she seemed pissed off while he panicked that she had felt him kissing her head.
"Clarke-" he tried to say but coughed again and tried to get away from her yet again. It seemed he had either grown weaker and even more exhausted or she was much stronger because he couldn't do it.
"Shh, don't fight me!" she argued and snuck her hand under his shirt, pressing against his good side which also had some bruises but not at all in the same manner as the bad one that was against the bed. He gripped her wrist and put it away as much as he didn't want to.
He told himself it was because he didn't want her to find out about his injuries not because he was going to lose his mind to feel her hands on his body.
"I'm fine." he argued and managed to sit up, groaning as he did but pushing forward on his legs and standing up, walking to the window. Even that small action exhausted him and he had to lean on the wall and press his hand against his bad side.
God, why was it so hard to breathe?
Must've been his swollen neck, the windpipes being all sore and having trouble pulling air in but at the same time it hurt there, on his side where his ribs were. He pressed his hand against them and winced.
Clarke, of course wasted no time to jump off the bed and come to stand behind him.
"Bellamy-"
"I said I'm fine!" he raised his voice or at least as much as he could now with most of it gone but he turned back to her and he must've given her a deadly look because she stopped dead in her place and at first stared at him with worry until it switched to anger. "I'll go saddle the horses and get them ready to leave." he insisted and with a lot of effort he sat back on one of the chairs and pulled his boots close so he could get them on.
He wanted to scream when he bent forward, it just hurt so badly, it almost went black before his eyes.
Meanwhile Clarke hasn't moved from her place at all.
"You're hurt." she said simply.
"It's nothing, just some bruised ribs." he mumbled under his nose.
"You can barely stand, you're not riding a horse." she came closer, standing before him. He felt pressed against the wall and wanted to find his way out but god, he had such a hard time actually tying his boots. "And you're letting my mom check on you."
"No." he cut her off while his side literally screamed.
"You deserve it."
"Then you'll let me-" she began again taking another step forward.
He was forced to shove his other foot into his boot without tying it before he stood up abruptly and almost lost his balance but he somehow forced himself to stand still as he looked at her.
He must've appeared horrible because her eyes widened when she saw his face.
"No." he said again and tried to pass her by. She grabbed his elbow this time and stood in his way.
"Don't be stupid, this can be serious. Considering the pain you seem to be in, this isn't just a simple bruise. It can get worse, you may puncture a lung or just make it even harder to breathe." he rolled his eyes. It pissed her off even more. "It's no joke, Bellamy, you could die."
"Good." he said his thoughts out loud and tried to pass her by again but she blocked his way once more.
"What do you mean 'Good'? Have you lost your mind?" she raised her voice now, he realized how much he didn't like it because his head was also pounding. Her hand fell from his elbow to his bandaged hand which also throbbed.
"Bellamy, who even did this? Was it Kane yesterday, did he hit you there?"
"It doesn't matter." he said quietly as much as his voice would let him right now.
It hurt to talk, hurt to breathe.
"I'm fine. I'll go saddle the horses and wait for you downstairs." he finally managed to push through and though she called his name, he ignored her and stormed off not even knowing exactly where he was going until he found the stairs that lead lower from the floor they were on.
At first he thought he heard her following him but then he realized the pounding in his head had increased and with every step he took, his ribs protested more and more especially now that he was going down and not up.
He stopped when he found the stables after asking one of the grounders by the gate. He also noticed Abby, Kane and Indra talking with the old man throwing guilty looks his way but he just turned his back to them and found the horses they needed.
He wasn't a big fan of riding, he preferred the rover so much more than this but he had gotten used to Helious, the horse Lincoln brought in camp and after Octavia let him ride him more than once, he had grown to well...at least not hate it.
In the three months that he was trying to manage everything without Clarke, he often got to the place they would tie Helious at night. Arkadia had no stables because they only owned two horses but he liked being out there in the open with them. He'd brush Helious and fix the blankets thrown on him that they used as a saddle or just hand him apples, carrots anything he could find that he wouldn't eat himself. Then he'd sit down and talk to him a little or drink some of Jasper's moonshine without letting himself go too far, he just wanted to take the edge off.
Then he'd go back to his room. He never thought someone knew about it until Lincoln asked him once. Bellamy had gotten worried, he mumbled something, blushed and left, but later on asked him not to tell Octavia about it.
He wasn't sure why he cared if anyone knew or not, he just didn't want them to consider him weak or to know he drank.
Now he laughed when he remembered it-none of it mattered. Lincoln was gone, Octavia hated him and didn't consider him his brother, his people were afraid to look at him, even the delinquents. The only person who didn't run from him like the plague and still talked to him as she did before was Clarke.
He wanted to laugh. God, he was so pathetic.
He brushed the horses a little, then carefully saddled them up-they were a boy and a girl, brown. The grounder who pointed at them said their names too but Bellamy forgot them, mentioned they were siblings-they had the same white patch over their nuzzles the way Bellamy and Octavia had the same black hair their mom owned except his was curly and hers was straight just like Aurora's.
"They're beautiful, aren't they?" he heard a voice from behind him and it almost made him jump. He looked sideways and saw Kane stepping in the barn. He stifled a groan and turned back to fixing his horse and getting everything he and Clarke needed on.
He didn't say anything back but he heard Kane step in.
"Are you and Clarke riding them?" he asked, still tiptoeing around the subject.
Bellamy stopped his repetitive motions and bowed his head down, trying to figure out what to do. He didn't want Kane around now, he had no idea how to talk to him after everything and he knew the man probably felt guilty about yesterday but Bellamy honestly couldn't care less.
He would've seen him die back in Arkadia when Pike sentenced him and he wouldn't have done nothing to stop it. If it wasn't for the delinquents to help him out, he wouldn't be standing there. It'd be partly his fault. Just like Lincoln. Or fully even...he didn't know.
"I thought you didn't talk to the enemy?" Bellamy finally managed, every word out of his mouth took such an effort that he felt like he was stabbing himself with a knife.
"Bellamy-" Kane's voice broke a little and that wasn't what he wanted to do but here he was again hurting the people that were trying to help him out or at least talk to him the way he had done with Clarke earlier.
He was a monster.
He didn't turn around and just went on fixing the blankets over the horse, throwing an extra one for Clarke and leaving himself more exposed to the gallops and the jumping during riding.
"Why are you here, Kane?" he finally asked, too tired to play any more games. He turned around briefly and when the old man saw the bruises he had made, his eyes widened and his mouth hung a little. Bellamy felt vulnerable so he turned back to the horse.
"I just...wanted to-"
"It's fine. We're even now. I almost got you killed too, remember?" he said, forcing his voice to rise. "You can go now." he added when Kane stood there behind him for a minute, not saying anything.
"Bellamy, I hurt you, I was thinking you'd let Abby check you-" he groaned and now looked back at him angrily again.
"I said I'm fine, Kane." he coughed when he tried to yell and had to hide his face in his elbow. For a moment he stumbled but he caught on one of the beams in the barn, leaning in on it for dear life as he kept coughing for a minute or so without being able to stop.
"Bellamy!" Kane came closer and tried to touch him but Bellamy shrugged him off and gave him a deadly look.
"Go, Kane." he said simply "There's nothing you can do here." Bellamy told him and pushed back until he felt the horse behind him.
He had an urge to put his hand under his shirt and feel his ribs but he just didn't want to appear weak.
"I want to help." Kane said simply but Bellamy just laughed at his face.
"You could've done it yesterday if you've finished the job." he said quietly, not sure that the old man even heard him but it seemed he must've because when he let his words sink in, his face schooled into a serious but angry expression and it almost reminded Bellamy of when his mom used to fight with him about spoiling Octavia too much with things like chocolate, toys or books he bought on the black market.
Kane took a step forward and looked him in the eyes, making him feel small for a moment, like a child.
"I hope you didn't meant that but I understand that right now we can't really talk the way that is needed for you to get such stupid thoughts out of your head, so I'll leave it for when we're back to camp." Bellamy held his gaze and smiled mockingly at him, raising his hand to salute him.
"Yes, chancellor." Kane's eyebrows furrowed. He seemed disappointed, the way Clarke was when they first met after he had participated in the grounder army massacre.
She couldn't believe him.
He couldn't believe himself.
Kane looked at him for a bit longer before he finally turned around and left. He hated him.
"Good." Bellamy thought for the tenth time today "You deserve it."
It was decided that Bellamy and Clarke will ride the horses first, then Monty, Miller and some of the delinquents will follow with the rover after which came Kane, Abby and the rest of their people in the big truck. Octavia was staying behind with Indra.
She only briefly looked at him as if with disgust before finally nodding off and turning her back to him, following her mentor inside the Polis tower.
His heart hurt more than any of his ribs could at that but he understood.
There was no one who needed him alive anymore, he thought as he rode off next to Clarke-he had managed to ruin everything but perhaps it had to be like that, it was the right way.
The more they rode, the worse he felt.
He started coughing all the time, his ribs felt like they were moving and trying to find their own way into his body, he had a really tough time breathing and opened his mouth to let some of the air in.
Clarke started throwing looks his way and trying to talk to him but he just pushed forward and rode harder even though he felt horrible.
Every muscle in his side started burning, the pain shot up to his lungs and his heart felt like it was going to burst, on top of that his hand wasn't strong enough to hold the rains and he cursed thinking he must've broken both that and his ribs or at the very least severely bruised everything.
But he refused to acknowledge that something was wrong.
It didn't matter. He didn't matter.
"Bellamy!" Clarke called him out but he shook his head and pushed the horse to ride faster, they were getting into the woods now and it was more dangerous here because he knew there were animals that could hurt them like bears or wolves.
He didn't really care. Yes, the pain was awful and he felt his body start bending forward a little.
He shoved his left hand under his jacket to press against his ribs because somehow that helped or so he thought but he pushed on and on-it was weird but he felt both like he was going to pass out because he couldn't push almost any air in but also...free, lighter.
"Maybe it was time, he thought, time I went on. Kane didn't finish the job yesterday but perhaps I could do it today."
He must've pushed the horse so far away and deeper into the woods that he couldn't hear Clarke's voice calling him anymore. That, or his ears were just ringing too loudly.
Suddenly, he was forced to stop when something stood in his way and he pulled the reins so hard, the horse neighed loudly and raised his front legs. Bellamy almost fell then but he managed to squeeze his legs around him and force him to stand back down and stop, command him to listen even though he hated hurting him in a way.
He felt his body swing and he bowed forward, holding his ribs and squeezing the saddle with his right hand while trying to make out what had stopped them.
When he pushed the darkness away he saw something like a wolf but not exactly...it was big and grey but not as frigthening as the other wolves he's seen before. There was something in his eyes, they were dark but soft, kind even. It looked like a mix of a dog and a wolf as it had whiter patches of skin and brown patches with a black circle around his left eye that went into his ear. Otherwise his face and body were wolf-like aside from his ears that were floppy and his nose but his outlook was ...just different.
It appeared startled to find Bellamy there and barked quietly when he looked at him on the horse.
Bellamy wasn't sure why but he decided he'll get off and tell the dog it was fine, then shooshed it to be on its way before the others caught up and maybe hurt him.
He slipped off the saddle and when he tried to stand, he couldn't-he hadn't realized how weak he'd gotten. He stumbled on his feet and fell on the ground, holding his side and gasping for breath.
When he tried to make his legs move, he couldn't and when he opened his eyes, he stared up at the sky that was surrounded by the tall trees of the forest making a beautiful painting for him.
He thought he didn't deserve that either but he couldn't deny himself that one last thing. He felt a tear roll down his eyes as he realized he had messed so many things up and would maybe never have the time to fix them now that he was dying but maybe it was for the better.
Then suddenly his beautiful sight was interrupted by the dog leaning over him. It had funny floppy ears untypical for a wolf and breathed heavily in his face. It liked him, as if to check if he was alive, then looked up and barked, calling for help.
"Go away, Bellamy tried to say but nothing came out. Everything hurt. He tried to raise his hand and he briefly touched the dog's side. That earned him another lick and he almost wanted to smile-oh, if you knew how bad I was, boy, you wouldn't be trying to help me. "Go away...get away from me-" he tried to say again "All I do is hurt people." he whispered and he felt more tears slip down his face.
He let his head fall on the side and closed his eyes, feeling himself getting more and more lost in the darkness.
He couldn't breathe, it felt like he was choking on himself but at the same time he wanted to cough yet he didn't have the strength to. His last thought was how beautiful Clarke looked this morning in his arms and how pretty the sky and the forest appeared just a moment before.
He had been lucky, he thought-he got a good last day.
He woke up to the feeling of someone pressing something cold against his chest. He didn't like it and it made him move a little.
It was all black, he was still in the dark and he couldn't figure out what was going on or where he was-he felt a soft surface under his back, then a blanket maybe thrown over him and when he tried to say something he felt that he couldn't because...there was something stopping him.
"Hey, don't move!" he heard a voice...Clarke, say to him as she squeezed his shoulder. He groaned, though and tried to make his eyes open.
"Is he waking up?" someone else who at first he couldn't pinpoint but then realized sounded like Kane, only...further away said out loud, maybe in another part of the room.
"I think so but we can't be sure, he moved a lot last night too because he was in pain." now that was Abby and he suddenly realized what he was feeling earlier-it was her stethoscope pressed against his chest.
He moaned and twisted his head, trying to shake off the heaviness he felt. When he moved harder, though, his ribs protested and he coughed. His eyes finally snapped opened and he blinked several times, trying to make sense of things.
"Hey, hey, take it easy!" Abby pushed him against the bed and he moaned, not liking her touch. "Clarke!" he didn't know why she called her daughter but then he felt her hand on his cheeks, cupping them softly and her leaning over.
"Bellamy, it's okay, you're fine." she told him and he coughed again but he felt like he couldn't hear it. He realized why when his eyes fell on the oxygen mask strapped to his face-so that's what was preventing him from talking. He tried to reach out and take it off but Clarke was faster-she grabbed his wrist and put it down.
"No, you need this, you can barely breathe without it right now." she said and he looked around confused, scared even and she must've seen it because she continued, trying to explain "You're in medbay." his eyes widened in surprise "Yes, we got back home. You passed on the way in the middle of the forest, you've got five badly bruised ribs, one of them is broken but thankfully there's no eternal bleeding. That in combination with your bruised throat made it hard for you to breathe, so you developed pneumonia because you left the injuries untreated." there was anger when she said that last part and he looked down in shame.
"You'll be fine, though-" Abby intervened as well and Clarke let go of his face. He tried to move up a little and they helped him but he was already in a half-sitting position. He looked down on himself and saw the bandages covering his torso. Then he turned right and saw his hand and knuckles were wrapped up tightly too and there was an IV coming out from a vein up on the inside of his elbow. He gasped and looked up at them.
"Antibiotics, you'll need them to fight this off." she added "And your knuckles were broken, there's a hairline fracture on your wrist too." she cleared her throat a little and looked at Clarke before she added "I must let you know this is a very serious injury. You could've died if we hadn't found you on time. The broken ribs could've pierced your lungs or any of your other organs and you could've been lost by the time we came home." Bellamy smiled a little and looked down.
"Oh, if you knew I already was lost long before I passed out, doctor." he thought.
"It's not funny!" another voice shook him and made him look left where Kane was standing close to his feet next to Clarke. He seemed exhausted but really pissed off.
Had they all been here while he was out? Why did the old man care so much?
Maybe it's because he loves you-his mom's voice echoed in his head and he shook it off trying to make her go away.
"This was very serious and I don't know what's gotten into your head with that talk about dying and deserving everything that's happening to you but it stops now." Kane went on and gave Clarke a sign to please give him a moment so he'd come closer. "We won't let it happen, do you hear me? I don't care what you think you've done wrong it's not true and I'll personally spent every day I have left on this earth reminding you of this." Bellamy's eyes watered and he let his head fall back on the pillow.
He was tired, god, so tired and his side was still so much on fire.
It hurt to breathe but he tried to take his mask off and talk to Kane. He stopped him by grabbing his wrist like Clarke ealier and gently putting it down.
"No, you don't need to talk, you just have to listen. I know that I made mistakes. You only sided with Pike because he told you exactly what you needed to hear and then I blamed you for things that weren't, couldn't be your fault at all. You're not the enemy, you never were, you were trying to help us all and we couldn't see it." Bellamy shook his head, none of this was true but Kane wouldn't have it.
He coughed again and the pain got so much sharper once more that his hand shot to his side.
"Kane-" Abby warned "He needs rest."
"I know." the old man promised with a small nod that he wouldn't take too much time, then looked him in the eyes again. "I just wanted you to know I'm sorry-for hurting you the other day but also for not listening to you when you tried to talk to me, for disappointing you and everyone in this camp when we lost the elections, for not trusting you when you were trying to save us, for not stopping your sister when she was beating the shit out of you" his own voice broke a little before he finally added "I just am really sorry, kid." Bellamy closed his eyes, he felt embarrassed because he knew he didn't deserve that apology but he had no way of saying it right now.
He didn't believe Kane's words-there was nothing to be sorry for but he also knew there was no point in arguing right now.
He squeezed his eyes and reached out to Kane's hand. When the old man figured out what he wanted, he moved and Bellamy squeezed it hard, looking up at him again, trying to say that he was grateful and he understood, that he forgave him for not being himself when he tried to choke him because he hadn't been himself for months either.
Kane smiled and leaned forward giving him a light hug that felt like being in his mom's embrace again. It was so good it almost made him cry.
Kane stroke his head pulled away smiling at him.
"Good. Now we'll leave you guys to rest. We'll talk more when you're better." he said and Abby briefly touched his shoulder.
"Try not to move. I know the pain's bad but we're trying to find a herb that can ease some of it a little. Take deep breaths, as deep as you can and get some sleep. We'll bring you guys some food in a bit." she promised and Clarke smiled at her, whispering a quiet 'Thank you' before they both left and closed the door behind them.
Bellamy thought that he heard something else too but he was so tired, he just passed out on the pillow again, too tired to keep his head up.
Clarke came by and sat next to him, holding his hand in both of hers. She took a moment to just look at him and he thought he saw her eyes water which he hated. He used his free bandaged hand to move up and pull the mask away quickly.
"You are...pissed...off, princess." he said with a lot of effort before she pushed the mask back on and gave him a scolding look.
"You bet that I am." he smiled a little and let his head fall to the pillow again where he felt a little bit better but the truth was that when he took the mask off even for a brief time, he found it hard to breathe.
He felt her hand on his head, stroking it, her fingers digging into his curls and rubbing against his scalp in a soothing manner. Then she slipped them lower and cupped his cheek again, softly stroking him.
She knew he hurt so she was trying to make him feel better. He felt good having her there despite the fact that his whole side was on fire, he couldn't make his lungs expand fully, his heart was beating fast and his head was throbbing too.
Clarke talked, she told him all about how they found him pased out in the middle of the forrest path with his horse standing by waiting for him to patiently get back up, not understanding what was off. How worried she had been and how she screamed for her mom to get there. The rest of the delinquents quickly running by too, helping her in any way they could but mostly just freaking out and asking if he was alive.
"Then there was someone else there-" she said and he peaked up, turning his head to her confused. Clarke smiled and he got surprised when she turned around and looked at the corner by the door. "Hey, come here, boy. Come say hi to him." Bellamy forced his head to move up again and almost gasped when he saw the wolf dog from earlier come by and move up on his feet in order to lick Clarke's fingers. She rubbed his head and he breathed heavily as he stared between her and Bellamy.
He smiled, his eyes watered-it hadn't been a dream, the dog was really there when he passed out and not just that but they brought him home with them?
"He wouldn't leave your side." Clarke explained "When I first found you, he was crying and licking your face, trying to move your head. I think he knew you couldn't breathe and was trying to do anything he could to keep you alive." Bellamy reached out and the dog licked his fingers too "When we got you in the rover, he followed us and jumped in. I didn't hesitate, I knew you needed him." Bellamy smiled and squeezed her hand in gratitude.
"Now you just have to name him. I'm sure you'll come up with some stupid mythological idea that we'll all get to regret but-" she shrugged and he loved her so much in that moment, his heart burst with joy and warmth for her.
He tugged her hand and made her lay down next to him, then gave the dog a pat on the bed and he climbed on his other side. Like that, together, they all fell asleep and when he woke up a few hours later, he found Clarke still resting with her head over his heart and the dog curled up like a ball next to him.
He smiled and pulled his mask off, reaching out to rub the dog's head. He looked up and licked his fingers in greeting once more.
"Welcome home, Ares." Bellamy said and closed his eyes again, letting his mask fall back on his face and the dog moved up to lick his cheek after which he nuzzled into the space between his arm and chest.
Everything still hurt, everything was still broken and he would need months to figure out how to even begin fixing it, everything was still so much more than he deserved but for now...for now he just let himself rest and feel warm and good with the girl that made his heart beat on one side and his newly found best friend on the other.
After all, he couldn't ask for a better company.