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We haven't really said anything tonight.
It's gotten pretty cold, so we're both in bed already. I'm kinda sitting on top of Shizuko, a little bit forward between her legs. Haven't been doing much other than text on my phone. But it's pretty late and no one's on, so really I'm just sitting around. Don't feel like watching anything.
Ophelia's on the bed too. I can tell without looking at this point, you can feel your legs dipping towards the crater she makes in the middle. The whole other half of the bed was hers until I started sleeping in it, Shizuko said. It made me feel bad, but then I remembered she's a dog. Kasumin is not losing to a dog.
Shizuko's reading, I think? Don't really know what, but I hear the pages flicking. Sometimes she puts the book down for a bit, and lifts her hand up to run fingers through my hair.
It's weird, though. The silence, I mean. We haven't spoken in about an hour. And, it feels like it should be awkward? I'd have probably thought it was three months ago, but now... it's, nice. We're just, doing our own thing together. It's kinda nice.
It's not really how I thought things would go.
For, well, everything. Not just tonight.
It's just, like... I had a plan when I came into high school, right? Quit the crap from elementary school, quit the worse crap from middle school. I'd had it with all that. New school, new Kasumin, new plan. I want a friend.
Just one to start. More would be great, duh, but one step at a time. Start it off simple, Kasumin! That's what I told myself. One good friend. An actual friend.
I don't think I remember how we met. Well I do, we sat next to each other the first class and it went from there, but I don't remember the first time I learned her name or whatever. It just kinda happened. I do remember one thing, though-- I remember deciding, "yeah, this one. This is the first try."
And that was a sore point for her, later on. She told me once, after it all, she went to me like-- "I don't see what you saw in me back then." That's what she said.
Shizuko is stupid. Man, I was so happy when I figured that out. I always thought she had it all together, this perfect girl with crazy grades and extracurriculars and everything, but nope! Dumb as bricks.
Helps when I get my report to know that.
But yeah, Shizuko never understood. I told her once cause she wouldn't leave me alone about it, I turned to her like, "I thought you were nice, Shizuko. There. Now can you please shut up?"
And all that did was make her stroppy. "Wahhh, there's so many nice people out there, Kasumi-san. Wahhhh, I don't see how that made me a desirable acquaintance. Wahhhhh--"
Idiot. I'd elbow her in the stomach right now if she wasn't over it. Rude too. Shizuko was always so rude to Shizuko.
So, tough to start. But whatever. I wanted to be friends, and I got it! Kasumi always succeeds at what she wants! Objective #1 down!
Well. Kinda.
Sometimes I think all we did was turn into, like... I dunno. Roles? Like roles in a play? There's probably a word for it. Shizuko would know, but I don't wanna bother her reading. But like, I'd come to her whining about Ai-senpai or Rinako or whatever, she'd give her little smiles and her headpats, or give out if she thought I'd gone too far. We'd have lunch together, I'd text her funny things if I found them, she'd give a polite reply back.
And that's all we ever were. It wasn't like I could... talk to her about stuff. Obviously I could, like school or Rinako or funny things I'd sent her, but... I dunno. Not much else. It was like we had a script. And we couldn't go out of it.
Not just her fault, though. It wasn't just her doing the script.
Man, it's hard to look back on. Sometimes I look at the way we talked and it's like, gah! Kasumin, you idiot! This is your Shizuko here! This is the Shizuko you're gonna... it's your Shizuko! What are you doing acting like that?!
Ugh...
...
You know, I'm still avoiding that word.
I don't know why. I'm not ashamed of her-- god, I could talk for hours about my Shizuko-- but, the word... I don't know. It's hard. I can sit here on her legs under a blanket no problem, so like, duh, I know what we are. But I can barely say it. To her or to me.
I can't even say what I am. I asked Shizuko later if she knows, and she said she's always known. Or at least for ages she knew, just didn't tell anyone.
Me? I still don't know.
Well, I know I like Shizuko. I really like Shizuko. But "girls"? "Guys"? Hell if I know.
Hell if I care at this point, really. Whatever liking Shizuko makes me, so be it.
Oh. She's stroking my hair again. Mm, that's nice... hahh...
I don't really remember, when it all switched for me. How I see Shizuko, I mean. She thinks it was the... uh. Thing-before-the-audition thing. But for me, not really. Cause honestly, everything I said that day surprised me. It was all true, every bit of it, and I'd say it all again if I had to, but... I dunno. I don't think I knew any of it. It was like my mouth was going ahead of my brain.
Probably cause I was pissed. I wouldn't let anyone speak about Shizuko like that. Shizuko least of all. She was my best friend.
Well, she still is, duh, but... you know. Little more now.
So I think I actually had the thought some time before. Maybe it was how she stuck around, first person I met who really stuck around. Maybe it was the acting. She brought me to a recital once, and I won't lie, it kinda got my heart going? But she's more than her acting, too. I always tell her that.
So maybe it was just because she was nice!
God, that would annoy her.
Sometimes though, I kinda think. I dunno, it's pretty stupid, but... I think we're kinda similar? But like, obviously we're not. She's smart, she's pretty, she can read books all day, but like. Beyond that. Nonono, underneath it. Cause I saw underneath it that day, when she was crying over all those fears and stuff she had, about liking old books and movies. And obviously, who cares? But at the same time, I kinda...
I kinda got it?
And I don't mean Shizuko should be scared, cause she shouldn't! But... I think I got so angry cause I got it. People not liking you. Wanting people to like you. She was doing it all wrong, she was being all naive and stupid hiding who she was... but it hurts. It hurts when people don't like you. And yeah, it hurts enough to change. If you're stupid.
...have I changed?
I guess I have. From day one in high school I told myself I'd change. Not because I was made to, but because I wanted to. I think. From day one, I told myself, no more ugly Kasukasu! Nothing but cute Kasumin from now!
But Kasukasu was never real. That was just... that was just people being awful. That's what Shizuko said. And yeah, they were awful, I get that now, but... I was pretty awkward. I was pretty ugly. I was pretty Kasukasu.
Maybe they didn't need to say it. I don't know.
It still kinda hurts, when people don't call me cute. I know I'm cute, duh, but... it still kinda hurts. It almost... it makes me scared. I wish it didn't. But if those Kasukasu comments came back... if those girls came back...
...
Shizuko helped with things a lot, though. After I helped her win the audition, she just kept getting closer to me. Stopped putting her book away when I showed up, gave me texts longer than 5 damn words, told me a bit about Hepburn-san. Hell, she even started joking around with me.
Mind you, I didn't get it. Really didn't get it. Something about cats and my grades? Not even making fun of me either, just like:
"Oh, what a cat-astrophic result! That teacher is so meow-sy to you! I hope you don't feel paw-ful right now!"
Yeah, no clue. I asked Rinako 'cause she knows about jokes and cats, and she didn't get it either. But oh well. Shizuko was so much happier.
It's really nice seeing her happy. She kinda jolts up, like her whole body goes "vwump!" like that. She lifts her chin up, widens her eyes, puts her hands together. And then she smiles.
Always with the hands for Shizuko. When it's the two of us, watching a movie of hers or whatever, she'll press her hands together and slowly push 'em in and out. Thumbs together, index fingers, right down to the pinkies and back. Up and down, like a wave. And if she's really relaxed, she'll rock a little too. Crossed legs, fingers waving, rocking back and forth. Smiling to herself.
She's so weird. Like it just blows me away. I've never met anyone as weird as her.
She's incredible.
Her hand is back. Oh, it's so good... maybe if I just put my head back a little, her hand would hit that really good sp--
Crap. I think she caught on. I heard her do a little snort.
She's got her fingers right on my forehead now, guiding me back down to her chest, and she's-- ohmygosh, she's using both her hands... aaah, all around my head, up and down like a massage... I feel like I could melt...
God, I just...
I'm so glad we met. Even thinking that makes me wanna crawl into a hole, but it's still true. I really am. Because when we're just together doing things like this, or when I see her do her little hand-rocking, or that badass look she had as the villain in her play...
Or all the things she's done for me. Does for me.
'Cause it's because of Shizuko that I finally got over those photos.
I thought I'd gotten rid of them. I thought after Kanata-senpai and the others found that album, I'd put them all in the trash. I don't know why I even had them anyway. But I guess I hadn't. And I thought it was bad when they found it, but, Shizuko...
I really cared about Shizuko. I knew even then, I knew she was special. So seeing her open that book... I got real bad. Like not even mad or whiny or Kasukasu or anything... just scared. I was so scared. I couldn't even say anything.
She told me later on that she got it immediately. She looked up from the album and I was stood there shaking, and she figured out everything right there and then. And she just put the book down, walked over to me, and-- hug.
"I'm sorry, Kasumi-san. I'm..." quick breath-- "You don't need to be so scared. The only reason you would be is if..." and then she sighed. "I'm so sorry. You were a lovely child."
I cried. It was the first time I felt I cried in, like, forever. Which is weird, cause I've cried before and since, but... it was the first time. It felt like the first time.
It was the first time she said she loved me, too.
Jerk. She did the exact same thing I did. There I was, crying and warbling about how she was wrong or whatever, and she just does a little smile and a lean-back, with my cheek in her hand: "But I love everything about you, Nakasu Kasumi."
Jerk! She knew what she was doing too! I saw that smirk on her face!
Agh, it pisses me off so much-- I'm gonna-- I'm gonna--!
There. I elbowed her in the ribs.
That'll show her. Stupid ribbon-head.
...
She didn't notice. I think she just thought I was tossing and turning.
Ugh, whatever. I'll tell her later.
And I said it back, by the way. Of course I did. Cause Kasumin does, y'know... I do too. So I said it. I told her again.
Though I more sniffled and sobbed it.
...y'know, if we had to have an anniversary, I guess it would be then? I think? At least I'd prefer it to be. We've talked about it before 'cause Shizuko's sappy like that, and she's got her own ideas, but... I don't know.
'Cause thing is, there was never really a point where we... y'know. Asked each other out. Weird, right?
Well, there kinda was. But I sure as hell didn't know it at the time.
SO. Bit after the photo thing, way after the audition thing. There was one night, completely normal night, where Shizuko asked me out for dinner. No reason, just a meal, her expense. Weird from her, but hey, sounds great! Dinner with Shizuko! The restaurant was normal, just an Italian one downtown, Emma-senpai recommends the Napoli pizza! Let's go!
And then she showed up.
Look. I was dressed cute, okay? Kasumin always dresses cute, and I was dressed cute. White sweater, yellow scarf, blue skirt. I looked great! But...
That dress. Shizuko had showed up in this, just, stunning red dress. I had never seen her wear anything like it. Shoulderless and flowing down to her knees, tight around her torso like a corset... and this blue scarf around her arms too, all see-through and glittering with sequins...
Okay. I underdressed. I KNOW. But didn't know she wanted to dress fancy! I was just like, great! Dinner with my friend! Let's dress like I was going to meet Yu-senpai or whatever! Why would I think anything different?! And she said I looked cute, and she said she meant it, and we were both left in without a problem! So it didn't matter in the end!
...god, I wanna punch myself thinking about it...
Man, though, she was gorgeous. Like I know they say "dressed to the nines", but Shizuko was dressed to the tens. I had that stupid romcom protagonist moment were they turn and it goes slow-mo and their mouth drops open and it plays the stupid sappy music.
Not like I'd know.
Not like I watch romcoms.
And if I have it's because Shizuko made me.
Anyway. Maybe I knew at that point. Cause man, I spent that whole date blushing HARD. Every time I looked at her it was like "prettyprettypretty" and I'd have to snap my head away. I spent the whole evening talking to the pizza. Shizuko doesn't look at faces much though (too shy), so I don't think she noticed?
I really hope she didn't notice.
So clothes and my damn sore neck aside, dinner was great! Tasted good, we talked for ages, the time flew. But at the end as she was going into her mom's car, she turned to me with a little smile and went: "Same time next week, Kasumi-san?"
Same time next...
Alright. She wants this to be a regular thing. That's okay, she insisted on paying again. I can do a repeat.
Next week rolls around, and I went and got a dress. (I don't crazy like dresses, but I wasn't gonna get shown up again.) But then it turned out I didn't even NEED it, 'cause she chose a burger joint. And I knew she wasn't stupid enough to wear a dress to a burger joint.
So I just went for the yellow shirt grey skirt combo. And she showed up in that long brown skirt and red top she likes. Great! Normal clothes! Normal meet-up! Completely normal dinner with two normal cute friends!
She kissed me.
I swear, everyone who hears this stupid story starts laughing at me here. What's their damn problem? It was a goodbye kiss! People do that all the time! Emma-senpai kisses us all goodbye, 'cause that's what they do where she's from! And that's not romantic! And what idiot picks a burger joint for a date, anyway?!
Shizuko, apparently. We were headed out, her mom's car was just around the corner. Quick kiss on the lips, "see you, Kasumi," off she went. I didn't think twice! Didn't even blush! "Oh she probably watched The Sound of Music again--" that's it!
So lip-kisses aren't goodbye-kisses. Cut me some slack! Kasumin doesn't know about Europe! I thought it was that big place below Russia!
God, though, what a dork. Confession, first date, first kiss. Shizuko had it allll planned out. And then the NEXT dinner, THIS time she was like "hey... would you like to stay over tonight?"
The laughter usually gets louder at this point. Get your mind out of the gutter! I'd stayed over before! And she didn't do anything! We didn't even share a bed!
Okay, there was no futon in her bedroom when I walked in. But I thought she just forgot! Shizuko's stupid like that sometimes! And I asked her where it was and she got it out just fine!
...
Okay, yeah.
That one is pretty bad.
Look, cut to the chase. Fifth or sixth date, Shizuko's holding my hand. (I thought she'd just re-watched Roman Holiday.) Blah blah blah, I forget what I said, she turns to me with a big smile and says: "I'm so happy we're dating."
...we're WHAT?!
That's what Shizuko wants our anniversary to be. The day I fell out of my chair like an idiot in a ramen restaurant.
I asked some of the other girls way later. Rinako deadpan asked me if my eyes and ears were working, Karin-senpai laughed so hard she fell onto the floor.
Alright, yeah. I missed some things. Don't give me a response like that, though! And besides, she should have used her words! Karin-senpai said it started with the hairclip-- the hairclip?! "That was flirting a blind person could spot from space"-- what do you MEAN?!
Use your damn words, Shizuko! I know you've got a lot of them! "Hey, Kasumi-san, would you like to go out?" Easy, isn't it?!
...
Okay. Yes. There is a word I've been avoiding this whole time.
Gahhhhh! Why can't everything just be other people's problem?! Kasumin is meant to be perfect! Why can't I just say it?!
I kinda... can, though.
Cause I'd mean it, if I said it. I really would. It's just... hard. It's hard.
But she didn't say anything, either! Once I realized she thought we were dating, I was so mad! I was like, why didn't you say?! Leading cute Kasumin on like that! And she said sorry, she'll work on it from now on, and...!
Well. She did.
We kinda, re-started dating. Cause I wasn't opposed to it. I always thought Shizuko was... pretty. And cool. And smart, and nice, and gentle, and...
...
Date again, kiss again. I know we'd done it before, but it felt like the first time for me. We hugged... no, cuddled on her bed over the sheets one night, and she got so relaxed she fell asleep in my arms. I don't... I don't think I can describe how it felt. It was almost like I was flying.
God, I hate that I said that...
But for Shizuko, it was all the same. It was all the thrills she'd been going through for weeks. The words were just another one on top.
Cause she was making a point of saying it more.
She'd get all blushy and fidgety saying it, and I was like, no, stop. I don't wanna make you uncomfortable. But at the same time... I really liked hearing it. Like, it almost made me dizzy, I got so happy hearing it. And she told me later, she really liked saying it, she feels a little dizzy saying it... and she was never uncomfortable, it was--
It was just hard.
But, she told me, it got easier.
...
Shizuku's still reading. Must be a good part of the book, she hasn't pet me in a bit. She's so pretty when she's like this... you can see the excitement in her eyes, too...
God, I just...
I don't care when our anniversary is. That's all on her. It's just a day to me, really. Today, tomorrow, Tuesday. I can tell her whenever.
And if telling her gets easier...
And if it's hard because it's true...
And if she could do that for me, and so much more too...
...urghhhhh.
"...Shizuku?" Kasumi began.
Surprised, Shizuku jumped a little. Taking her book and moving it out of view, she looked down between her legs at Kasumi. "Yes?"
Kasumi tried to return eye contact, before blushing profusely and turning towards Ophelia. "I..." she dropped her voice to a murmur... "I love you, Shizuku."
Shizuku blinked, blushed, and broke into a wide smile. "Oh--!" she beamed, pressing her hands together. "I love you too, Kasumi!" She lowered her head into Kasumi's neck, pulling her in and nuzzling her collarbone.
"Goodness," she laughed, "where did that come from?"