Chapter Text
Tyler has never cut his wrists, it always seemed too final. When he was younger he had taken a blade to his stomach though. He had cut long horizontal lines across his stomach. But he still had never cut his actual wrists. Instead he did this thing, where he would hold the blade vertically to the very middle of his wrist. He never pressed down or pulled up, he would just...hold it. He liked having that control, he got to decide, 'no not today'. He sometimes would hold it there for hours, sometimes his mind would completely shut off, sometimes his mind would be screaming to do it, sometimes his mind would sit there and weigh the pros and cons, but he had never pushed down, not yet. This...tradition, so to speak, was becoming a more and more frequent occasion. Which was starting to alarm Tyler as they were on tour and you cant spend two hours in the bathroom without someone getting extremely suspicious. He just feels like he /needs/ to do it. He cant make himself move on to his next task till hes done it. But, to keep himself inconspicuous he waits until nighttime. Where he can sit crisscross on the floor with his back against the sink counter and just stare at the veins in his wrist, drag his eyes along them as they snake up his arm and dissappear under his shirt sleeve, this is where his mind is its quietest, its also where his mind can be its loudest. He holds the same blade he's had since he was 15. Today is different though, he has not been as satisfied with just holding it, he lightly presses down. Not enough to break skin. Just enought to know that it could. He feels like static. The tour bus lurches suddenly cause Tyler to shove the blade deep into the flesh of his wrist. His heart stops and his face flushes. He panics and yanks the blade away from his wrist, he watches the blood run out for a few seconds before getting off the ground and rushing to grab the first aid kit, he attempts to run cold water over the cut but its stings too much and his knees grow weak. He tightly wraps his arm in thick gauze and tapes it securely, he has no idea if he will need stitches. It was pretty deep but his mind is shutting down in panic and he cant breathe. He cleans up everything the best he can with his shaky hands and leaves the restroom. The dim lights of the bus guide his way to the bunks. He stops when he sees blood drip on the ground he looks at his wrist and sees he has bled through the gauze. Hes gonna need stitches. He starts to panic what will everyone think. They are gonna think he wanted to die.
'If i kill myself, i wont have to deal with this.' He thinks to himself, he stops pacing for a split second and considers it. No. Not today. His blood is still dripping down his hand. He goes to the bunks and hesitates before opening Joshs curtain.
"Josh?" Tyler shakes him.
"mmmm Tyler?" Josh turns toward the pale boy.
"Josh, i fucked up. We need to go to the hospital." Tyler says, the panic he feels is starting to clog up his throat.
"What? Tyler, whats going on? Are you okay?" Josh asks alarmed. He slids out of the bunks when Tyler shakes his head no, Tyler doesnt stop though.
"nononononononononono..." Tyler is afraid. He's so stupid. Why did he do this.
Josh runs to the front of the bus, presumably to request they head to the nearest hospital, but tyler is too busy staring at the pool of blood thats accumulated at his feet and he thinks he's gonna pass out. What if he can't play piano anymore. What if he knicked a nerve and can't play ukulele or any instrument, what if this ruins everything him and Josh have built. What if Jenna leaves. Or worse...what will he do if Josh leaves.
Josh comes back quickly pulling Tyler to the front of the bus and they sit together on a couch.
"Oh, Tyler..." Josh whispers as he sees his wrist, the gauze completely soaked and puts Tylers limp hand on his thigh, he uses his hands to apply pressure to the cut.
"Please dont be mad at me, it was an accident, this wasnt what I had planned, Josh. Dont leave, please?" Tyler quietly begs, he has tears running down his cheeks.
"Tyler, you should have woke me up, i would have helped..." Josh is quiet and as calm as he looks his mind feels like its literally screaming.
"nononononononono, this wasn't intentional, it was an accident, i wasn't trying to kill myself, Josh. I know I'm fucked up and I'd be lying if i said i hadn't thought about it before, but this wasn't my plan." Tyler is rocking back and forth, he feels tired. He leans against Josh and rests his head on his shoulder.
"hey hey hey hey, Tyler. We are almost there, hang on." Josh starts to panic but doesn't want to remove pressure. He can see the light leaving Tylers eyes, not that there was ever much there anyway.