Work Text:
Cedar Waxwing I Ain't
Beverly Switzier and Howard T. Duck walked along the row of lit shops on a beautiful clear night in the middle of November. Except that Howard waddled instead of walked. And it WAS Cleveland. And some of the shops were dark and boarded up. This included a restaurant called "Joe Roma's Cajun Sushi" that had a sign proclaiming
Closed for remodeling
which someone had crossed out and underneath was handwritten
Closed for rebuilding. Coming soon: Joe Roma's BBQ Pancake House
The half-moon high in the sky gave off enough light on its own to make their breaths visible even when not near any lit buildings.
"These lights weren't here last week," Howard said as he observed multi-colored lights hanging from the roofline of some of the buildings that were still in business. "I wonder what's going on?"
[Beverly's song "It's starting to look a lot like everyone's power bill is about to go up" omitted to save energy]
"So, you see that a lot of people decorate for the Christmas holiday. Even if it isn't until next month," she added. Even at her age, she could remember a time when the season didn't even begin until early December.
Howard stopped in his webbed-shape tracks. "You mean that people are nice to each other this time of year because they can't afford to be like they normally are after all their money goes to buying and powering these lights and decorations, right?"
"Not just that, Howard. They have to pay for a lot of other things too. Gifts for each other, special food, and these things called Christmas cards that people send to others so they can read them and then throw them away."
[Howard's song "Why not just tell them in person or call?" omitted pending an injunction by Hallmark Inc]
[Lawyer's song "Objection" omitted pending a counter suit by AT & T against Hallmark]
Howard shook his head in disgust. "I was hoping against hope you didn't have lawyers on your planet too. I guess they're everywhere." They continued their walk…er, stroll. "So, for one month out of the year people are somewhat nice to each other. Heck of a system. After you get their trust, BAM! The following eleven months you can steal and generally violate everyone else until you start the cycle all over again. Great setup, Toots."
"It's not like that, Howard. People can be nice to each other all the time. It's just…well…we need Christmas to remind us."
Just then a car drove by. The driver yelled "Great job, Howard!" with a thumbs up thrust out the window as the car disappeared down the street.
"See?" she continued, "That was nice. Once people get over the idea of a duck coming from outer space, they can eventually accept that you helped save the planet," Beverly encouraged as she held his hand more tightly.
[Beverly's song "He may be a duck, but he's just people" omitted pending approval from the National Zoological Society]
"I guess it's easier to believe in me than Cleveland winning another national championship," Howard cracked. "I tell you - whoever came up with that costume of me for Halloween owes me royalties. Maybe I should sue."
"I thought you hated lawyers."
"Yeah, so? What, you never heard of a hypocrite before? And I'm STILL waiting for PETA to call for an endorsement."
"Don't hold your breath. But hey, at least you've got us set up for some bigger gigs come the first of the year. I think Cherry Bomb is really going to take off with you as manager." The two pulled up in front of a display window that had been decorated with a tree and gifts underneath. "You're my best gift, Ducky."
"Right back at you, Beverly. I certainly couldn't do a worse job at managing than Ginger." Switching his thoughts from Beverly's slimy old manager to something more immediate, Howard started thinking that maybe he was going to have to buy one of these Christmas gifts now. "What do people usually give each other at Christmas?"
"They say you should give someone something you'd like to have yourself."
[Howard and Beverly's duet "These are a few of my least favorite things" omitted for taking up entirely too much time with 23 verses]
Beverly laughed. "THAT certainly narrows it down. And here I was thinking about buying you a politician this year."
"Ask me again next year after that tour money starts rolling in and we cut our first album."
[Howard's song "Politicians don't come cheap" postponed until a suitable PAC can be formed]
A white van pulled up beside them, with the logo of 'The Cleveland Academy of Sciences' written on the side. "Howard!" Phil Blumburtt yelled from the driver's seat. "Thanks for letting me help with the band. I've got some great ideas how we can add a laser show and some electronic sound at our next big concert. The Academy is letting me work with Cherry Bomb on the side - wow, with science AND music I can be the next Thomas Dolby. I guess I'm not such a loser now that Howard is so huge they want me on the staff …"
"That's great, Philsey. Watch what you say about me getting huge," Howard said as he wiggled his posterior. "Where's Ronette?" he asked of the band's backup singer and girlfriend of Phil.
A hand crept up from the passenger seat and waved, followed by the head of Ronette showing an embarrassed grin. She liked hanging out with Phil but was still a little afraid of what some of her friends might say about being seen with the very odd scientist. Keeping a low profile while they were together was just a lot safer.
[Phil and Ronette duet "Science and music make strange bedfellows" omitted for stating the obvious]
"Whatever works for you two," Beverly called over after the number.
"Hey, what are you guys up to?" Phil asked.
"Just out for a walk. You know, they don't have Christmas on Howard's planet!" Beverly replied. "I thought I'd take him home and watch a Christmas movie so he can understand it better."
"How about 'Trading Places'?" Ronette asked.
"Nah, that's not really about Christmas. I thought maybe 'Miracle on 34th Street' or something. We'll see what's on TV."
"Good idea," Phil agreed. "Television is a great snapshot of what we are as a society."
"You mean a commercial every five minutes?" Howard asked. "Money, money, money."
"Oh, that's right - you don't have cable. With cable you don't have to watch commercials."
"Is the cable free?"
"Uh…no."
"Thought so. Beverly and I will just have to rough it. You two kids have fun. Bye Ronette!"
"Bye!" The van rolled off, leaving the two behind.
"Let's get back home, Ducky. I'll make us some special hot chocolate with a little kick to it."
"And I'll get the popcorn. I just LOVE corn."
[Howard's song "I can always tell when I eat corn" omitted by request of Plumbers Local 443]
…
The movie finished and Howard sat staring at the screen while Beverly muted the commercials. "I'm really sorry Howard, there must be a million movies about Christmas but that was the only one on. Still, 'A Christmas Carol' is a classic. Even if it is in black and white. At least it wasn't 'Santa Claus Conquers the Martians' playing." Howard continued to stare at the screen. "Did you like it?" she asked. After waiting a moment, she asked "Are you okay? What's wrong?"
Slowly, Howard managed to get out "I…never thought…Christmas was so…so…horrific. You made it sound so happy and wonderful."
"What are you talking about? Oh! Don't worry Howard, that was a just movie. There aren't really any ghosts during Christmas."
"Forget ghosts – remember, I fought against a Dark Overlord of the Universe and lived to tell about it. No, I'm talking about…about…" he stumbled as he buried his face in his hands. "What a horrible ending."
Beverly shook her head. "Horrible? Ebenezer Scrooge found out the true joy of Christmas and Tiny Tim was going to be okay. What's wrong with that?"
Howard looked up and directly at Beverly. "Didn't you see it? At the end? They were eating…they were…" he said, unable to finish without breaking into a giant shudder.
Realization dawned on the singer and she thought quickly. "No, no! I told you, it was a movie. Sure, people used to eat goose for Christmas a long time ago, but almost everyone stopped doing that before I was born. No, I don't think you could even buy it in the store even if you wanted."
[Howard's mournful ballad "How can you eat the co-star" omitted by petition from a coalition of the SPCA, Ajax Feather Pillow Company, Hanna Barbera and Beverly's Aunt Rhody]
"So you see, it wasn't real. Just like the world wasn't in black and white back then, either. At least I think it wasn't. I wasn't born then, but that's what my parent told me."
[Beverly's song "Black and white" omitted due to too many songs with the same title]
The song concluded, the chorus singers that had magically appeared just as quickly vanished, and Howard had just started to relax when there was a knock on the door. Beverly went to answer it since she was slightly closer and Howard was still having trouble finding the door in the clutter of the apartment. She opened the door and beheld Dr. Walter Jenning, the scientist at Dynatechnics that conducted the experiment that accidentally brought Howard to Earth from Duckworld. He also had brought along one of the aforementioned Dark Overlords as well while trying to return Howard; the scientist was taken over by the escaped Demon, released only when the Demon took another form.
"Hello Howard, Beverly. May I come in?" he asked as he shifted a box in his hand.
"That depends," Howard shouted from across the room. "Where are you from?"
"Dayton."
"Do you require human food?"
"No, I just had a burger on the way over," the scientist replied.
"Good enough. As long as you're not from the Nexus of Sominus and can still stomach Cleveland food, you're in."
"I didn't say it was a particularly GOOD burger," Jenning said as he entered the apartment and took off his coat.
[The trio's song "He is no demon no more" omitted pending full psychiatric examination and grammar check]
"What brings you by, Doc?" Howard asked.
"I just wanted you to hear something. When you destroyed the laser spectroscope, it sent the rest of the Demons back to their home. But something else happened. Just like the Dark Overlord sent something to take over my body, in the backwash of the explosion something from me got sent back to the Nexus."
"So what, now they have an astrophysicist running around the Nexus?" Howard asked. "They'll eat him alive."
"That's not what happened. I don't know exactly, but somehow…it defies explanation…my last thoughts took over the whole realm, entity by entity. Then, using my knowledge, they were able to develop a means to communicate with the lab at Dynatechnics. They sent a message."
"Probably pissed off," Howard concluded. "You weren't exactly happy when the demon was taking you over."
"No, I wasn't. My last thoughts before it took over were that I'd miss the holidays with my family. But I brought a recording of their message." Jenning opened the box he had and pulled out a tape recorder. He held it up and hit the 'Play' button. A voice not unlike Jenning's possessed voice spoke from the speaker:
Greetings from the Nexus of Sominus. We apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused your planet recently and in all sincerity we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
The recording then broke into song.
[Demonic chorus of "Happy holidays please don't kill us" omitted until sub harmonics that make you want to claw your face off have been removed or at least covered with a disco beat]
"So you see, it looks like they might want to be friendly after all," Jenning concluded.
"I'm a little suspect, and by that I don't mean I'm a short criminal," Howard grumbled. "I don't know that I buy it. From 'let's destroy your world' one day to 'let's do tea' the next is just a bit suspicious."
"Come on Howie – that's the spirit of Christmas, making new friends and connecting with old ones," Beverly said as she wrapped her arm around his.
"And it's not like they are asking to come visit for the holiday," Jenning added. "Think of it like – a Christmas card, I suppose. An interstellar Christmas Card."
"As long as they stay on their side of the galaxy or universe or wherever it is, I guess it's okay. Thanks for bringing that by, Doc," Howard said as he stood and held out his hand.
"My pleasure. Now if you'll excuse me, it's getting late and I've got a lecture to give tomorrow morning. Good night folks," he said as he shook Howard's hand. He still wondered in the back of his mind where Howard's wings evolved in his evolutionary history, but almost didn't notice it anymore.
The two bid Jenning goodbye and settled back. "Just to be clear, people don't eat geese now for Christmas," Howard said flatly.
"Mostly, no."
Howard sighed. "Good. I was prepared to have nightmares about that for a long time to come. But it was just a movie about old times, like when they show knights on horses and stuff or people without digital watches."
"Yeah."
"What do people eat at Christmas now?"
"Fruitcake. Everyone eats fruitcake." Beverly said with a little hesitation. She wasn't sure how he'd react to the concept of ham - better to take it easy. She was sure she could win him over with bacon later.
[Howard's song "I like fruit" omitted because fruit has nothing to do with fruitcake]
"Phew. So now we just have to kick back and wait for a little over a month for the next holiday to roll around."
"Oh, we've got one more holiday first. Thanksgiving comes up in a little over a week. I'll introduce you to my parents and we can have Thanksgiving dinner with them. You aren't going to go migrate away from or anything, are you?" Beverly suddenly asked. Ducks migrated, right? Or was that eagles?"
"This duck is staying RIGHT here," he said as he patted her leg. "Cedar Waxwing I ain't, baby. So, tell me doll - What do people eat for Thanksgiving?"
[Chorus song "Howard you don't want to know" omitted because it would be the only song left on the soundtrack]
The End